Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's werid the expectations I have and how hard academia generally is, I've been missing out on the depth of awareness and masculine leadership by providing depth of awareness. It's odd that my fundamental mistake is not facing my fears strongly enough, yet my fears are based on high standards so I exhaust myself more soonish.

[ValiantSalvatore]

The issue with all of this coincidental stuff is simply this, the more conscious I become the more the universe, god etc. Tests me if this is truely what you'd want, and this has been so painful that I quitted the best habits and rituals etc. There is a lot of fear in me, and right now just quitting coffee entirely besides tea and fundamentally. Just to analyze improve and stick to routines, and listen to the higher yearning of discipline. Which would either include doing online programming python courses, with less gaming or the books. The issue is I love to test my depth of awareness when I play a game after I meditate etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Ideally I do 30 minutes and 30 minutes and then some coding work etc. The irony of my intuition of the lower desires is not as painful as the higher ones.

I most likely do it differently though. 

Edited September 29, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

The fundamental issue I never had, yet I created due to beign quiet and gaslit by extroverts about this, why are you so quiet etc. As I never talked about my goals and actions and I always did more etc. Which is odd but it is what it is. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

There are many & multiple points that are good and positive about work etc. My main issue is the consistency in higher & deeper yearnings...

[ValiantSalvatore]

56 min meditation: What can I deepen what was essential here?

• Most essential thing was that anger and fear are less prevalent in my body, yet they are keeping my entire physiology alert at times, when I get subtle fears and anger or even adrenalin/excitement w/e. I notice this is a distraction to the pure essence of concentration that makes all of this a procedual ebb&flow. 
• There is more auto in me without me doing anything than before, yet I am not back at the level of depth were I felt like the spirit of god was like an aura around my hands, or very high concentration simply said with subtle warm of spirit
• Shamanic drums are very good to deal with emotions and emotional stuff

I can mostly deepen the session by length of 4 minutes, the anger and fear are the biggest obstacle to overcoming that last tiny hinderance for a very solid meditation. I felt also the deep sadness of the past years briefly. 

Gratitude Journal:

I am grateful for feeling less negative
I am grateful for the opportunity to work at the company and become a very good engineer that can work on world class projects
I am grateful for beign able to get in touch with my masculine depth and challenge through meditation and spirit
I am grateful to meet less toxic people and people who are full of hatred and call others loosers etc
I am grateful and thankful to have meet the new friend and gym buddy he is one of the best friends I have meet in the recent years
I am grateful for letting go of materalist culture while feeling the deep karmic imprints of it and not denying it
I am thankful for noticing deeper yearnings and the true masculine discipline, and that I am not a looser who chases material success, yet has a deep craving for the pleasure & fun of the material world at times, yet does not chase it. 
I am grateful to be less attached to things like video games, cannabis, friends and socializing as well as inner negativity
I am grateful for successes be it in video games, at work or at the university and again for my mother beign there for me when I need her

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

The level of anger I feel I wonder what insight Shinzen had when he finally realized what anger was and it was this warm wave of w/e. Right now this is the ideal practice still as it helps me with daily things and at times Leo "bad mouthes" the stuff to much and praises it somewhere for something else, so it's somewhat an issue at times. Yet I was since I joined the company thinking about their values and how important it is to be solutions oriented I often think about finding problems, yet not root solution solving. In that sense, it already feels very different. Leo's style of contemplation also again was the a way to go very deep into contemplative states. Yet everything works for me. Like in this holism book about food, when you can "usually" eat everything your one of the hardest to train, and just doing this is to existential this is better for psychdelic trips / retreats and meditation retreats all in a more unified way trained. 

Uhm, yeah I am looking to get back into that paradigm, yet if I don't have success somewhere I sabotage myself I noticed. I had a lot of progress in my meditation practice, yet was not able to share that in my work my deepest gift, as the region was there, yet it did not give me the same level of opportunity as here, now that I am here the energy of this has to be rebuilt. Like everything I do now, I quitted entirely video games for hours, YouTube or watching Twitch.Tv (due to gaming news and it beign live), I just read books and studied, yet I had such issues with the hypersensetivity that I just solved after like 3-6 years of meditation and some breakthroughs on retreats, to "dekarmatize" my nervous system entirely. I have loads and loads of work to do with this, this is why I don't do breathing exercises to deep and I go on a rampage most likely and rape and pillage a village, I just have so many subtle anger knots, that are beign "decontracted" with the new technique. It's like when I studied and read a lot it's obvious that either a more heavy cognitive technique or a body oriented technique is better. Yet when you do and want to do everything in balance this is better. Anyhow. I won my "stupid" two little games. I am so happy to have my elo back, I had such strong cravings to be a pro all of this uprising stuff and the world of no "racism" etc. (even though yeah when you consider how toxic ppl are etc.) still the pro enviroment did not seem anything like that, yet it took a while for e-sports and still is to be seen as something more "masculine" & normal. It's still one of the weirdest fields, yet everything I am interested in I could've tested with that money etc. about performance etc. I can't do it physically anymore for example my family had hopes (subtely) for me to become a soccer pro, yet I never ever trained to reach my potential I felt burnt-out subtely as a teen, and I would've needed someone to push me and somehow promise me a bigger external reward to also care about this, as I did everything internally till I lacked tools to deal with it internally. 

I was pretty good, yet I never played in a high leauge we played in the second highest leauge or 3 of our age group or even first idk, we were pretty good, yet my mother was not the kind of person who took pride in taking me to the best soccer team for practice etc. I went there also because of friends, so I dunno it was always my decision somehow. Anyhow, I was definitely better at soccer than basketball, yet I got bullied so I did not care as much, as I had a lot of flow feminine force I presume and gift as a kid as I had so many girls around me, so obviously that only grows with praise&love etc. It's odd, yet yeah that is as far as I can recall, basically all of this racist bullshit started when I was 6, and people can fool me with stupidity I can't believe how dumb people are at times. That shocks me, and for how dumb they think I am because I am respecting some level of boundary especially in sports, brutal domination is one of the best antidotes to childishness and playful behaviour for all, they just succumb, and I mean real absolute god-like dominance not dominance & playing around. It's odd. Obviously in the workforce it's a bit similar, that is why keeping it professional is important but anyhow I am out for now. I am very tired. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I re-listened to the audibook integral transformation by Wilber and what was fascinating to me is how he and Leo intuit the samething about advaita and buddhism that they lack love that is so heavily emphasised by christian mystics and a lot of that very deep empathy is missing in todays culture, as it's to compassion focused or just very distant. Also what was fascinating is that the identification shifts and I was legit on the way to beign stage indigo/universal or w/e the scientific term was for this on cook-greuters paper as I started to identify with the higher subtle of love/joy etc. These are sort of imo the experience you have ad turqouise/construct aware -> indigo/beyond construct aware. 

Also that emptiness is sort of a lame interpretation even as an idea instead of infinity, as you can already see the christian background of love and empathy I wondered, by far also christian nations or judeo-christian nations are the least racist etc. When I contemplate how toxic China, Turkey or other countries are and this is sort of the positive remanent of our unknown mystics. That was certainly fascinated, also how shadow elements appear less in higher developed structure-stages from individuals at these stages, they are less prone to evoke them and accquire them, while they are not free of them, as well as people who even do smth. as basic as journaling have a better toolset to spot and handle shadow elements. For example the one with beign an expert and power and control at blue/red right now I notice is a huge regional emotional shadow I inherited as this is how "good power" was dealt with at very early stages of the beginnings of civilizations.... the irony of what I think about at the gym.... 

Yeah, I did not finish it entirely as I listend in 1x and was very tired. So yeah right now I am just chilling and enjoying my saturday gym today was very good in terms of meeting up and socializing a bit, and getting away especially in the early mornings from the gym sonication of loud blaring hip-hop music (trance would be good as it's more stage 3 inclined). The level of materalism sold within this as a "pure desire" can evoke some very competitive drives, I don't need at the morning. 

(Stage 3 higher development masculine & feminine)

-> This was also interesting as it entailed the reality that higher stage men embody masculine and feminine aspects more and higher staged women also, also how wave 1 feminism was wrong about we are all equal and denied the biological differences and that wave 2 feminists admitted these differences, hence why there is the high acknowledgement of differences, yet now we have this stage 3 living without talking about it partially, some girls are very open to it and you have an extrem dark masculine shadow and to some extend dark feminine shadow collectively about material power at a purple/red and blue/orange level and some green stuff also. 

I bet there is more to write about this already took a lot of time to write, and to even read and connect all of the dots, many are arrogantly envious about things here and these are all shadows. I don't know if Wilber as the new integral life has already a topic on this psychdelics and shadow work, yet "keeping up-to-date" with the newest innovations in the psycho-spiritual sphere has become one of the most interesting things to me. 

Also the level of falseness of perspective of many spiritual people here is crass, many are materalist sex seekers, while others are living out there karma. Some people who are very liked by mods etc. Don't deserve it in my eyes, as they don't see the pain of the subtle extrem levels of materalism, especially shared with a partner etc. There is no love, only lust imo, so I will dismiss such people also in my personal life, they even lack compassion etc. They just evoke the notion of good without truely beign that intutive good so many humans love, that stems from a deep creative place of love, that is why you're fake to me, and it's triggering old patterns of my mother, and it's painful to deal with people who unconsciously traumatize you for your own gain, as they are money hungry power hungry weak dogs. That is the truth, weak dogs that hunt for the smallest piece of advantage, as long as these people don't admitt his fear I don't trust it. Anyhow this is more a reflection as I could also be like this, yet I never behaved and or thought like a weak dog, as I have to deal with the shadows mostly of beign the big dog, naive and likeable, gullible, trustable, faithful, loyal, strong etc. -> stupid, (rarely clumsy), forgetful, not caring etc. Some of this stuff more. Uhm yeah, more Wilber and Love -> Infinity etc. I see Leo's bias as to what works, yet the guy also is a maniac when it comes to work. I lost a lot of ambition if I channel it spiritually to such an extrem I will become like him which I don't want to and I am sure of this. A more subtler maturing is more painful, yet I could benefit more. Mostly I am here for spiritual work, shadow work and game, relationship advice, in case it works out with this girl I might do the course the advice here is so low and adopted for survival, I could puke and I get slightly triggered by the copy-cating of it. It's odd ohhh also!!!

This idea caused me massive exellence in my life Wilber mentioning that aggression and hostility are different in it's essence -> anger is to move forward I had this inner behavioural ... adoption for quiet some time and it brought me massive exellence and the recent hostility is mostly due to the inadequat feeling of inner weakness that is abused and vulnerabillity that can be abused and the fear of it. Anyhow this is it I would analyze more, as this is new to me I was mostly non-caring yet it was mostly these type of social dominating type 8's who are very dumb in seeking god, they seek outside but it's inside. Anyhow it's a different matter some of these get it way way more intutively as they don't deny the creative drive of -> love -> surrender etc. 

Also the distinction between eros and agape that eros in the drive towards a great whole and including more of the whole which can have a phobos -> and hence turn pathological and agape including the smaller the involution drive towards the wholness of integrating the lower, which can lead to thantatos (death drive) in it's pathological form due to to much deconstruction instead of inclusion IIRC, and if my interpretation of the last part is correct. 

This 41:19 sounds extremely whole to me and I feel more whole, but yeah I dunno when I game to this music I ironically loose. It's to trippy . 

Edited September 30, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

1h: Meditation

• Got int touch with the drive of exellence deep exellence based on adrenaline and joy at the end of the meditation sessions the last couple of minutes, also deep in touch with exctasy/excitement -> yet more the impatience of adrenaline
• Felt that anger,fear and sadness are emotions I have not been as deeply in touch with as it was to much in the recent years and there is a new opening to explore this as it's very deep and existential feels like either oneness or infinity deep down
• Felt the drive for projects and the very deep love & passion for life, where I feel confusion about it, as I was interested in mixing different aspects and how much time it takes to become world class is painful at times etc.
• Thoughts about the girl and online-dating and how important it is to be more social

--------
Meditation wise -> expansion & contraction paradgim and improvement of masculine essence, I felt this the strongest, especially the contraction drive of the masculine core -> tiny insight into the energetic issue of freedom and blaming men with toxic and hostile girls which my mother was at times and is collectively -> different insights into this now (a red squirrel just hoped right through my view.... good times.... reminds me of London universe said briefly hello to me  thank you deepak) -> the paralization of fear can be immense.

I am grateful for my new friend circle and that we can be open and masculine to each other even if it's not at a level where I was at.
I am grateful for nature and the workout this morning that I feel more mature in terms of self-caring
I am grateful for every stress free moment where I have peace and quietness without the latent adrenalin and excitement chasing drives
I am grateful to not meet toxic Elon and Republican power hungry nazis who abuse fear consistently for their own power 
I am grateful that I can move out of Germany opportunity wise
I am grateful to feel that I am out of a rut, and not working with toxic psychologist where I already feel depressed as they make everything about blue/orange masculine & feminine crunch instead of holistically integrating it, it's lacking only IFS has this awareness imo and a 3-2-1 process is very holistic/gestalt therapy possibly

I am grateful to see desire is not neediness and to not be around people who gaslite you about needines and desire, when you authentically yearn for something, for their own power abuse. 
I am also grateful to not interact with the members on this forum, as I don't think they are sane and I never saw myself truely a part of this forum and also with skeptical smarty pants, I am grateful to not interact with them 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I woke up pretty early, saw a politics video about the rich dad and poor dad guy that he is a trump voter, and capitalist and calls biden a communist. I dunno now I'd like to hear more liberal takes on this, especially socialist capitalist takes. Otherwise I am streaming a bit and chill. I asked myself this morning what is the highest yearning and it was simply self-care into some work and preperation into work and university etc. Otherwise looking forward to meeting the girl on tuesday. I can see ahead pretty well, should be pretty good etc. I hope she is highly open beign that young etc. Let's see I definitely might change a few things, about values relatively soon, I don't vibe with truth, I just burn-out. Honesty etc. is better for me than truth anyhow. Right now it's all about finding balance doing good work and beign chill and enjoying my life. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I definitely would like to be a public persona on some level in the gaming/coding/a.i scene, and just be a cool guy that enjoys a rich social life and is consciouness oriented, with psychdelics and science, even if my science is not the greatest etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Thinking about tripping, as it's the last day where I can afford it without ruining any organisational thing, and having two days of to the gym and also the work I already did parts of it. It's more of an issue as this tripping is just useless in the sense I originally wanted to use it, so I dunno it's more of an entertainment thing, and admitting procrastination etc. Otherwise I do get insights about my life. I dunno if I will do it I feel like not doing it today. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

The only thing I am considering is tripping, streaming and playing baldurs gate 3 fully so I am mostly done with it etc.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I might trip as it's one of the last days where I can and I sort of inquire what to do with my free time and do it properly, as I am also meeting the girl, and only have to do organisational things I can also do, yet it's mostly just the work of tomorrow/today I am postponing, so yeah that is that. In that sense I do more research like I did with game and do it slowly and analyze stuff, the frustration with this is often weird. I know you can make a goal process better, yet you dedicate like 10-12h then to this, and I simply just can't do this. 

I dunno maybe I just chill drink coffee and order food and trip next week, and just stream more casually today. I just really got a bit into the tech of stuff, and the level of frustration etc. Is real. Meditating 1h and just beign chill is better then endless tripping, I don't get much value out of it, also the current more chill gym routine will make me look quite manly, the belly will be an issue though. This is mostly it. I stopped doing excellent work etc. even in video games as the community is so hostile, the more you crave to do more the more toxic and insecure the people become. That is why I like anonymity and sort of balanced exellence where you do a lot of self-care like sleeping, right food etc. As there are plently of limits even now. For me the biggest issue is other leaders who are similar to me for example in video games I just become dejected as I don't want their approval, yet they give it to me, they are keeping god sort of in check, as they have never been as deep, and I can tell and just sort of chill and we loose, as I wait for their "god" so to speak to shine through skill etc. Uhm... yeah, so right now I just drink coffee and chill and I meditate later etc. I do more of the normal consciouness stuff, when I meditate I get stresful at times as I remember every importan thing that I have to take care of etc. I just also start to be more orderly and listen to deeper yearnings etc. 

I am quiet happy for the gym thing, I workout more chill and I make progress I do feel it, it's very slow, yet I am pretty sure if I keep this up I can bench 120kg at the end of the year with 8 reps, so I can do 140kg max might 150 kg. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I'll be meeting the girl on Tuesday, I have very good vibes about this like good girl turned bad type of vibes like she could trigger me sexually, yet does not for example to get polarity going etc. Genereally highly attracted to 4w3's like the chinese girl, yet I swear.... as a human biological cell type of creation whatever you can possibly research, the smell of her legit turned me off, if she would've smelled nicer, I would've been more aggressive in pursuing her in the real terms of aggressive moving forward. I am streaming now for 2h and staying up late, overall I notice some patterns and analyzing and writting down these patterns and not beign to insecure of the analysis is what has been hampering my growth for years, also the bullet pointed list and generally the pain it can take to make a serious internal and behaviour analysis, while behaviour change is still one of the hardest things to do. 

So yeah, I am just glad I write down patterns and analyze patterns more. For example just here, the pattern of angry and beign totally lost in a video game I had at least idk 5-7 matches that are won, where I loose because of subtle hunger and anger and the concentration loss, for smth. free, as they can't imagine how much energy it even costs a big body to play a game. Like I noticed this usually I snack, yet this is not enough, with work it's similar I get very aggressive when I am hungry, as I am moving forward etc. Although it's not as bla bla. What I am saying is this, I can continue to play the game when I play a different mode to get of the anger in me of loosing free games with idiots and weak gen-z type of ppl who just blame and watch porn all day, I am not entirely different, yet I've built so much internal and external strength, it's the same type of toxicity that triggers me here subtle arrogance and the idea of winning fair etc. Just right now I wish I can keep this up and write these patterns down. It's similar with coding when I yearn to be world class etc. I loose patience with others as they don't help me think for me, as I am just doing etc. and I don't know like sometimes there are players that are very intelligent also mostly who also studied smth. very serious like I played against a biology major today, and I thought in retrospect, it was impossible to win against this guy if I am not playing in my peak, which was possible, yet I was playing smth. I picked because I was angry at my teams picks and they did well, and sort of this subtle circle of bullying, is where this you deserve this & that attitude at one point beginns. I am a bit unsure as I did not have that rich of a social life in the more normal sense, I hope the girl helps me with some fundamental changes just by having a girlfriend etc./going out with the girl. So, I become a bit more social, yet to create for example in tech and learn all the tech skills, I leave the university till now for this and the company stuff, and set this as projects my own projects have not been that great, I originally still would've wanted to be a video game pro, yet as the LP course did not entail smth. like this I choose coding, somewhere deep down I knew the mathematics etc. needed for this I don't have it at that level, and it's odd coming to terms with this and how even these people denied this, and are unaware of it. Because they did not see me as intellgent enough, even if my IQ is high etc. My entire nervous system shuts down when people don't treat me with high positive non-judgement, I loose all hype & motivation etc. This is their bitterness of the liberal type etc. It's odd, yet right now I just focus again & I hope I can finally be more affluent etc. Let's see the meditation session later what that will entail, I notice the more I care about integral stuff, and the higher the more I can deal better with the lower, when I focus so much of the mechanics of things yet I become paralyzed as I already know it even mentally, it's just the expectations of subtelties of others that I feel, when I played with my friends, they went crazy like legit crazy, when I did the stuff in the game they did not comprehend, as I legit came from a place of god and deep flow they don't have that much access to and this energy then sort of shared between people who could make smth. happen, it's odd to describe this, I also would like to hear the mastery book from ralston on LSD, right now I just notice the more ken wilber I hear the more I am on my purpose. I put so much effort into this etc. He is also an INFJ from a military family (apparently), yet right now I am just glad I found something I can resonate with, Leo is very very practical I don't get that much joy out of this, as I would yearn to penetrate the world harder, and I have some stuff there. Right now the biggest obstacle is not living in America, let alone the world and this place and time is not built for me, Germany there is not better place where I could've been born. It's odd, I still don't like it I only find joy in the internet at work etc. I noticed also why Germans like work so much generally speaking, as it's their main vocal point of socialization, if you're not working in some b.s stuff. Yeah anyhow, right now this is missing, but maybe there is space where I just return to stuff, Leo was a partial distraction for my ways of learning, I am very very intutive in contrast to this logical brain of his, and I just learn very differently it's like learning by essence and not by some type of deduction and questioning processes, that is the masculine refinement I get burned-out on when I do it to much, some of it is fine, yet for me it's all balance, balance, balance, balance, even if it's my weakness in the audiobook failing forward, they turned a weakness into one of his strengths etc. Because it was simply trainable and not that difficult IDRecall, what excatly the skill was, yet right now -> this is totally fine..... 

Due to this city lacking a strong social life many incentives are just not there it's a miner/bergbau city, the term "Malore" stems from here, which is like hard endless fking work without any end in sight in a deep tunnel etc. Anyhow, right now I will do this all privately. Mostly all goal-setting is privately this is just the meditation & spiritual and character/person journal. -> Depth etc.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I did not trip, all of these are remanents from having the value of spontaneity & playfulness as I noticed beign playful can be quickly toxic, and focused more on spontaneity. Right now I just chill.  See how the change of values affects me I vibe better with honesty than truth and consciouness, truth is such a ridden like gut feeling type of vibe of power it's annoying I don't vibe well with it and I am more of a control type of person etc. In this stage red mania I see in gym & video games at times, also just online-communication is super super aggressive and hostile, not even that aggresive, just more hostile and bitter. Etc. I dunno I am drinking tea and legit just chill. 

That currently is my psychdelic again  

Edited October 1, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Cleaning my entire appartement today, I looked into the stuff what they require, I hope it will be doable & that I only interact with the forum in this journal etc. I saw what happens to my appartement when I neglect it etc. and generally speaking it's just better when I am more chill the purpose to wake up, I feel like I am close to it somewhere, I hope this new lectures etc. Will help me to make the shift very deeply internally, I don't find as much inner drive, and I don't exactly know why it only has been that way when I did a 5 minute mantra before bed, now that I sort of went away from the LP and focused more on the depth part. I can tell the only way for me to wake up early is -> very very clean appartement, stretching and going into the contractions of the masculine and not to much caffeine. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Going to meet the girl without going to the barber, I realized how important it is for me to have stuff very clean, when I wake up and do research for self-care, especially so I will just do that today. Also psychdelics currently are either a healthy form of self-care, psychotherapy on my own, consciouness exploration, or legit entertainment, when I am just really stressed = self-care and can't afford an expensive vacation etc. Or my friends are not up for stuff etc. I just realized this, again yet I did not take enough action how good it feels to wake up in a clean home, I just do a lot more work and I've been neglecting this. etc...

[ValiantSalvatore]

Did not really do what I wanted to do today, as tomorrow is a holiday and nobody in my group wrote smth. so I dunno. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Unsure what will happen with the girl, right now I am just pretty chill