Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

I also underestimate how much the unconsciouness of others pulls me down mostly and how severe the materalistic paradigm is, this motivator is also the nr.1 reason why I burned out, I knew there was a strong drive for this so I did not deny, it still just physical injury is also just even this more procedual journal shows me a lot of what happiness is, I briefly watched it and I definitely would appreciate a bit more nature generallyl speaking such as my own garden etc. For enjoyment etc. As well as balcony etc. 

Also all spiritual pursuits are heavily tied to me with making a higher income. So I am very different than others in that sense, I get more of an inclination to go after material things. Yet I am less attached to them. as I have a deeper connection to life, yet I could be more enmeshed in the process of it. Meaning I heavily engage in the traps of it etc. Anyhow, right now it's more the issue of skill training and efficiency with a spiritual practice. That is an issue, and the immense emotionality that I have when this happens. 30 minute practice for example = I just continue pursit + heightend awareness, 50+ minute practice deep conicidences and more growth. It's like god wants me to have riches in all areas. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Let's see if I wake up early though and do go work in contrast to studying as a motivator, that is better definitely.... endleslly also No tripping. 

Really depends if the girls writes back, yet all in all it's currently to weird. While people chase pleasure and vacations I am looking for a place to settle and upgrade my entire life. It's odd, yet some just work & do the grindstone purpose. While having a spiritually infused life is better, even if my practice is totally whack currently. 

I did so much experience gathering in advance, I could just move to a better city, living in Manhatten or near the strip in Vegas would just be super good etc. 

Edited September 25, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Just moving is inevitable, I don't have that much of a yearning anymore to conquer each city, and I think Canada might be a bit to snobish subtely. Especially in larger cities, for me currently it's very evident. That moving is a prerequisite, even within the company, if they hire me etc. I would move to DD to simply do game or even Berlin. One of these + Hamburg is the best city and Frankfurt please no 

Edited September 25, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

No spiritual practice today, girl thought I meant next week, I checked all apps an fundamentally what 99.9% of these girls want is this instagram food, fuck and chill animal lifestyle or a higher level of beign degenerate if you'd like to say so, it's not more of normal casual meeting, that is the normal casual eating in a sense, so I dunno. I have to market them more status signaling stuff for it to work, and I'd personally think especially since this year I will not enjoy it as much anymore if I am that succesful as I was more fishing for the few rare fish inside the pond, so I dunno. 

Girl wants to meet next week I write it twice, as I can trip tomrrow then, it will not be a deep trip, just fundamentally some trip. I dunno I do it for fun mostly, to entertain myself. As a lot of ambition was shattered, and I don't quiet now what fixes this and LSD gives plenty of insights, especially the 1-2 weeks afterwards, just my work ethic is not very high. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Awake pretty early I am already drinking coffee fully knowing it is not that good, I briefly checked the dating app, I would say the current rampant level of materalism hidden in stage purple entertainment culture is one of the worst stomach knots I can possibly feel. It's like society is fundamentally planning you to enslave yourself to materalism. There barely is any passion etc. Displayed I also did not date any of those girls, yet even with an lifestyle upgrade there are so many status signaling things that are important to her, besides confidence and security. That is also the weirdest thing, I don't really know what to do as many crave the material world to an extreme, it's absurd. It's like when I contemplate the book I've read that the submissivness and slavery now pays off, and I don't really enjoy this mindset of grinding and enslaving myself to the next big dopamine hit. Barely girls are about the journey nowadays, you'd be shunned most likely in girl circles. All I can say is the profile authentic did attract more authentic girls who are not like this. I deleted all apps still I barely check to only see the boasting with a bad profile does not have any positive effect, and I barely enjoy optimizing it anymore as it's just purchases that increase my perception of status. I never had on average such a bad gut feeling about girls, I have subtle hopes that the gym and just all of the smaller efforts will pay it's dividents, yet it's unenjoyable how unholistic beauty is appreciated and it's mostly the girls I face via work etc. That seem more normal than on apps. The girls on apps are like rude delivery service guys on average and the few ones who make you feel good you're thankful for them. Anyhow....this paradigm gave me a feeling of slight depression in my stomach and young guys are incentivized to chase this. It's an extrem and subtle gap between richer and poorer and all of these gradations. I don't enjoy the value of leadership anymore, when I meet stage orange logical girls who have 0 social skills. They just turn girly unconscious and get ahead, but have 0 social skills and claim this is intuition which is partially correct. I dunno it's odd. I don't enjoy it and when you point out mistakes they get mad, even if they are wrong as they don't have a connection to guys world. It's quiet evident at work. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

The fundamental issue is when girls are security seeking creatures and the seek it in status, money and fame. It's like the most ungrateful feeling you can have when a girl likes you for this, as you know deep down it will turn toxic, even just beign dated for the potential of this will make it toxic. It's not even a subtelty like having a great life, if it's about money, status and fame it will turn toxic. I really really like to date a girl who is not like this, on a fundamental level. I feel like this girl right now is like this. I had some bad thoughts about this "train wrack" story and the typical guy fun that is beign evoked, I also lost a lot of intellectual drive, as they acted very toxic and the mechanistic worldview kids, are one of the most digusting and racist people on the entire planet, just shut up seriously, it's like many of them have an extrem form of autism and can't engage authentically with the world, I believe I have seen people with autism and better social skills than this paradigm. 

Right now I don't find it easy, as many materal things have been amplified and complimented by my enviroment and these achievements are still the most celebrated so the social incentive which is a strong one for me is not that much there. The support in the process is also difficult and the feedback, and since my exercise things have been fucked and it's very exhausting I dialed down the level of effort. I believe also caring about my own level of beauty more will attract more girls who are like this. Just right now, I had a very bad moment when I woke up and I thought welll fuck where do I meet girls many younger guys hide within their family and they don't dare shit. Doing game is very exhausting and would not fit to much, and developing my hobbies to get girls and sell this on apps, fundamentally has been destroyed to a large part. I dunno really what to do as my social circle is even worse off with girls, besides one guy who has a girlfriend. But I don't think that will help me in this case. Many girls are also insecure and take more uglier girls as friends to keep the stage red princess alive and yes beign a princess is pure stage red drive, you can feel it on a gut level, obviously there is nuance, but rarely there is. It's okay mostly and I'd enjoy it, yet it's heavy when girls can't take on more prettier girls as their girlfriends, due to negative emotions and they are just not positive and supportive enough. It's a deep sign of insecurity. Sometimes it just is that way also, imagine I would only hang-out with guys who have less status & money than me, so I look better etc. That is also a deep sign of insecurity I have never been like this. 

I also don't enjoy it that german work culture gives little praise in the sense of supporting ones effort, they just see themselves as slaves which is an issue. It's dumb, very dumb or when you work yourself near a burn-out people give praise etc. Maybe I am amplifiying it a bit, yet yeah I dunno I would feel better putting out more passionate work. Right now all of this gaming etc. If I work on all of these issues I dunno what will happen I just work on one of them currently and that is the spiritual connection to life it balances everything my emotions bla bla, like what do I do? Exercise, healthy relationships, adaptogenes, breath work, shadow work, psychotherapy? etc. etc. Then again, the easiest things for this are exercise and healthy friendships. I hope a younger girlfriend will help me also a bit with ambitions, as a teenager I had very deep cravings of building a beautiful life together with a significant other and day dreamed about this often, this sort of softness and sweetness is still there, and I crave this it's in a sense more the family guy, yet deep down it's more the professional that seeks to enjoy a deep life journey and purpose shared. Just this masculine emptiness of a life deeply shared, I would do well to speak to David Deida or smth. like this about the current paradigm, yet the guy does not really help the current paradigm at all. I dunno it's odd all I can say is. It's very healthy to distract myself at times from this rampant materalism, like most of my old friends only saw this subtely as their "belonging core"... like imagine... you're entire physiological core drive to belong depends on material wealth and not the depth of connection you've made, and yes they stick to this, yet the more succesful I have been in any small way, the more people become attracted to the inert sense of power I've build and confidence it's weird. Very weird. Anyway I might get some clarity of this meditation session. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

40 min practice: 

Multiude of things I've noticed & felt:

• It took me 30 minutes to get in touch with my life purpose
• Early morning meditations are special
• Very deep drive in touch again with the healthy aspects of stage orange and progress, especially and improvement instead of decadence
• Clarity around life purpose and life purpose drives
• Deep touch with masculine core, I thought about how things have turning more into a spiritual than physical challenge and how I am letting go of the physical
• The solution to materialism is self-love & love
• Got in touch with my inner child

I am grateful for early morning smell

I am grateful for young and sexy girls who have their dark feminity in check liking me

I am grateful for every spiritually inclined human that is not toxic

I am grateful to be in touch with deep masculinity even briefly and find more guidance (mahdi)

I am grateful to feel less hatred to arabic and turkish brothers, they are oddly oddly kind to me it's more an issue of vanity & arrogance that drives seperation

I am grateful for just finding more love and purpose inside of me, and not outside of me 
---

Cutting the practice short, due to feeling heavy inner child cravings of play in the morning especially. The more I would get into this craving I know some of the changes neccessary to enjoy this simply more. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

All good better than expected ironically, I do have some issues with the girl at work, as she is triggering type 5'ish fears of incompetencies, and many of these types do expert work etc. All in all it's still good, she has some issues and can't follow my train of thought this is an issue generally speaking with pragmatig women, yet she is not the same as my psychologist, she could feel the connection at least etc.

I might trip, I ordered some stuff. I might overlook some things, yet it's quiet evident that the group I am in now is all due to past lazyness etc. and not doing, we're close to some level of power abuse. Yet, it's not quiet there. Uhm, yeah also the c.s lectures for some stuff start late a.f so I dunno what will be happening there. I still have 3 weeks of vacation if I checked things correctly then. My main concern is orderliness, and how racist it is and how much pain this has caused me, as when I enact this they will react at one point racistly, I am usually very interested to keep things very very clean, besides my desk maybe. Yet right now it's odd. All I can say is the following. 

Academia is fked and the few individuals that you meet that make it great, keep them forever as long as you can. Same goes for any friendship, I dunno when I see this. I might trip soonish and play video games without an intention just small tripping and soon tripping with other friends, there are some deep existential problems, yet they are mostly solved spiritualy. Especially, early morning meditations..... to keep growing like this is priceless, I am also stopping all dating apps, till I made the next strategical update. 

I generally enjoy also working a lot when I have some social space etc. Just right now, it's odd. Hope I trip soonish, gym is going to be aweful the next couple of weeks, but okay. Fundamental issues for me are guilt as inner child wounding and just going about practicalities and beign rewarded as a man for this. 

I'll report the trip somewhat etc. I am just glad stuff is going a bit more smoothly. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also sexually, the irony is the two other girls are way way way more attuned to me sexually! It's odd so odd, as they legit have empathy and not this "Ausländer I am not racist but I am biased" type of thing. The irony of how this plays itself out in video games, ah yes the skin... funny organ.... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I thought when I took this on 300mcg LSD and I was fooling around legit, is I wish I could die so peacfully to this melody of nature. To see the absolute perfection of the zeitgeist and just perfection itself as a man. There was also a deep griefing and thankfulness for me mother and connection to divinity and going about my life with divinity, as to make it perfect every moment of it. 

I am doing so many mistakes, even that all of that making corrections etc. Has been a deepening of my masculine, yet I believe I was to eager and impatient. Patience is the weirdest virute for me. All in all I lack self-care and I am doing at one level a deep masculine constraint of austerity, by keeping my appartement and myself very clean, instead of accumulating garbadge. I believe I can learn a lot like a lot more from Deida & Wilber.

Less stuff is getting to me, yet there will be the 3-2-1 shadow work stuff and just being more in the purpose of now is extremely important. Consciouness still even to gain skill etc. Is one of the weirdest qualities ever. I love it, yet fuck it hurts. 

I never realized that I do all this to get depth, yet how intense this yearning and balance is. Love is just healing. 

Edited September 27, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I never also noticed how important is constant learning as a masculine quality, people shame each other so much about this. The depth of learning, also to notice that if my meditation practice plateaus it coincides with giving my masculine gift and ravishing a girl, I certainly was not giving myself 100%. As depth is simply scary also, I certainly stopped giving my biggest gift to the world, in this disco ball bullshit at times. Connecting to my heart I hope I can very very deeply do these trips, when I have an even better place near nature etc. and just expand on depth of consciouness and awareness.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I believe also that I am simply not giving my deepest gift like every second of reality is a test deep down at one level, it's like I forgot what actualy refinement is and how hard it is and I grow more masculine as I focus everything on physical strength. The pain of feeling fully etc. I had to much fear to seeing this is emotional depth and mastery beign developed also sticking to my word, doing my best and refine the life called me, also to give others freedom is something that I deeply yearned, yet was not reciprocated as much, due to me gaining more depth? And loosing it at the sametime, it's very odd. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I also never noticed that what I was doing my best at a stage 3 man, was to give from my deepest feminine gift which is love & flow etc. To give divine feminity etc. I never realized that all of this depth/ self-drama at times, is just pure feminity given as a superior man as gift. 

It's a bit shocking I am holding back my gift, by not doing the proper correction and analysis anymore, I did well initially, I do have to personally realize, that academia for me is a feminine gift of life mostly, not an achievement deep down, as I somehow learned it that way mostly. The day to day existence of going about things for me is mostly the sharing of my deep masculine gift and unwavering presence, I was just so high naturally on flow. I'd still stay that as a man I do have a bit more access to the feminine gift of radiance etc. It's the issue of extrem strength in balance and concentration to balance these intense highs. I keep listening to the audibook... it makes me feel saner again about my life, and I definitely need a hair cut and I really could stop hiding my feminine gift of radiance by taking self-care, just on average if I feel my heart etc. My life feels so feminine, yet I stablize it with consciouness it's so odd to describe the extrem flip in polarities. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I dunno what personally the issue is at times with giving more masculine depth. I am going to clean my entire appartement, after this game and meditation session deep down I feel like I've been wasting my life and I don't know what gift to give. I'd like to stop drinking coffee and yearn for a much simple existence with depth.... I have definitely plateaued since a longtime in meditation and hence I have a lot of problems. I will also do a shadow work session after the meditation session.... and clean the appartement. I might also meditate more.... and hold a deep prayer in that sense.... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I think even in a video game, tbh I dunno if I am going to clean my room, simply due to yearning for deeper consciouness... I have never noticed that all of this pain is growing, I keep having thoughts that I am a looser etc. Really only lofi-music calms me down to play normally and creatively. I just know deeply  Also following my deepest yearnings have been difficult since I can actively recall anything, simply due to me beign me... deep down having this fear of inadequacy irregardless of what people tell me etc. Can only be overcome with deep spiritual unification with good step by step, I don't know if it will be perfect in anyway. Yet if I would really listen to my highest yearnign I would accept my feminine nature more, it feels like good fucking shit, and this is most likely why I curse so much, I never had an extremely strong masculine essence. I still have a strong masculine essence, yet it's only deepend through spiritual depth increase and work, I just was a tiny bit baffled when I realized that my inabillity to accomplish and ravish the world and girls is missing due to my spiritual practice, and also following my deepest yearnings instead of lesser ones. Deep down very very deep down I am afraid of A.I, I am afraid of beign an inventor of beign creative, a genius etc. All of these god felt moments in fullness like divinity I don't experience them as much anymore in the masculine essence. There are other more sensetive topics for example the relationship to my father and feedback and I have been denying a deep surrender of masculine essence in the face of my father or any father figure as deep surrender into the infinity of feminine radiance as a call or yearning to escape from the psychopathy of emptiness. The release of freedom seeking masculine essence.... it's very good for me to type and read this, considering to take your own life and finding peace in the thought of death as I could not fully give my gift yet, and nothing is stopping me besides to go for the deeper & higher yearnings I could make an eon long list of what I am afraid, yet it most definitely is simply the drama pain & gossip of others. Social ostrazation etc. I generally already feel left out partially. I really wish I would have a deeper connection to my mother or mother nature if my mother is dead I will cry most likely and depressed for some time, it really really hurts me to have not have had something akin to a family I can look forward to, like christmas etc. Everything is tied to pleasure, accomplishment, video games and america. It really hurts me to not say daddy I am home and any kind of normal child type of experiences, there is a deep wound of this and it hurts to admit and let go of all this subtle resentments and just pain. At times I just wish I could cuddle with a girl to get security and comfort and generally really yearn for the deep warmth of a hugh or anything like this it really hurts me to have this really strong seperate family and to just go out and do my mission. 

For sure there is a deep presence there, yet ultimately I'd wish I could create what I yearn for deeply like a house, a pool, a dog and a wife with a cat maybe in nature and do consciouness work with 1-2 kids, yet these things all never really unfolded even on an intutive level, I don't see where when and how, if I would follow my deepest yearnings it all would say either consciouness depth or america and consciouness depth. I dunno Í miss making my old friends laugh and spending time with them with all the cringe and weird things we did, yet I dunno....

This is by far the most beautiful piece of nature I have heard in a while, I might meditate on it I don't know I have so many positive patterns in my existence when I hear these beautiful sounds. I certainly gain depth... I keep listening to the audiobook. I just really have to accept my deepest yearnings and throw away the coffee machine, take nootropics as I can't control coffee, tea is okay, but coffee.... I just don't work.... I just don't feel the pain as deeply anymore to gain depth for improvement. It's a huge quick fix, I adopted due to the death of my grandma, and a lot of a lot and I mean a lot of pepermint tea and mineral water, my entire body feels so alive and vital drinking mineral water, I would die without it at one point. This gives me a deep vitality unmatched by any other beverage, especially carbonated beverages. I just have to accept my sort more feminine side and the more masculine intellectual drive for knowledge... right now... Just thank anyone for reading this and not hating me, I seriously whish I could give others the depth of the perception and I know I have not even begun my journey, as I am in deep fear of very deep and beautiful consciounes as I fear the social connections, and my neediness in that. I don't know how to work this out, as I take things personal, have been gaslit about this to not take it personal, then take it in good faith etc. even then afterwards I felt so empty, that I right now just accept and move on and give my best to increase the depth of friendships.... yet right now... how much energy I poured into this... how loving my company is overall even the university to before... I just feel in the wordly vanity sense so emasculated due to my history and the current zeitgeist and there is nothing I can do and over masculated at the sametime. I really miss good scifi, but now.... I hope I do all the things I said today. To follow through with my word as my deepest yearning is something I definitely could practice more and apologize for the mistake and practice it more and be more loving and opening, opening especially girls etc. and deepening my masculine giving from both masculine and feminine. 

I sometimes wonder what it feels like to be a father for children and I wish I could cry for them I don't know why I say that, yet deep down I just wish they can accept and embrace the deep painful aspects in life, and continue to do well. I just really wish I could hug something or cuddlle.... I miss the pouring of a cat... I just really love cats for this sound... I like dogs also, yet the enjoyable feeling when a cat pours is so unique and warming like a hug.... I really miss this and how these animals brought me more depth and luck into my life... Anyhow this is it for now... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I feel asleep somehow, after I drank all of the coffee I have here, I will not buy any coffee anymore and stick to tee and more chill stuff. I am also very horny, yet I'll listen to Deida again. I feel good sleeping so long after the trip. Had 0 dreams also just pure rest.

Waking up to this also.

Edited September 28, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Did 15 minutes, for now I just notice drinking any coffee, not having access to my fear and anger, fear and anger are two of the most distrupting emotions in my life. I stopped analyzing properly also and beign in my body due to this, as I fear this, yet right now all I can say is staying calm and patient while beign in deep conscious awareness is by biggeest challenge. This is also all more a masculine challenge of seeking freedom and I have never realized this, that I do this for myself also more. That is new to me.

I am grateful I can overcome fear and that I can smell nature
I am grateful for my mother helping me out when I feel like shit and paralyzed by the toxicity of humanity that has happend generally, all the racism, making fun of family etc. all this type of stuff
I am grateful I am more aware of fear and can lean more into it day by day
I am grateful for David Deida and his wisdom from the way of superior men and that I can share my feminine gift even though life wants me to give more from the masculine currently
I am grateful for the new company beign chill and that I am slowly finding the masculine strength of analysis again
I am grateful for beign more positive generally speaking

The biggest thing that is bothering me is the paralyzing fear now of analyzing things, as people told me I am to stuck in my head, yet without this my survival will not be good, the issue was coffee and now I am even somehow over it, I believe mainly due to psychdelics and stopping cannabis. I am not taking care of the pain of proper depth etc. I am in denial about this,  I am becoming more aware. Anyhow.... the spiritual people I meet somehow fked things up for me on this forum personally, I will not engage anymore with them. Talking to them is like talking to the toxic part of me etc. Anyhow, I could simply engage in the masculine act of discipline and listen to the higher and deeper yearning and let go of 

[ValiantSalvatore]

the idea I can't provide masculine depth and direction

Edited September 28, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

The irony of the level of awareness is insane. How much men trust masculine depth and they feel it like accuracy it's so odd to describe.... I really gave up on myself and I dunno I wish I had different pointer of words to describe what I am feeling as to make progress to overcome it. I personally am of the opinion growth is endless if it comes to depth of perception. I am just surprised by how I long I've been telling me mistakes are progress, and I am not learning from them by analyzing them as people told me I am to stuck in my head, they don't get it, you can't live from feminine flow depth the whole time, it does not work. Especially with a masculine essence, bla bla short cut shut up. 

You can give both as a stage 3 men, yet you're fooling yourself if you only think you can come from flow instead of deep presence. Deep presence is more important simply. 

I get triggered by masculine improvement also as it involves more pain, emptiness, depression, nihilism, abondonment feelings and sadness then feminine stuff, where there is more envy, drama etc. 

Edited September 28, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I do 15 minutes of meditation and drink pepermint tea and suddenly I am calm and winning the irony... the 15 minutes also felt like agony. The depth I am gaining also from my mistakes is just large, I overlooked this as the real audiobook is not as good as the one spoken from Deida.