Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

Depth of Awareness I find is very deeply robbed by the unconsciouness of computer games. I find it odd to witness this, also competitivness robs one of the depth of awareness present. Same for processing information and generating solutions, of course stuff can be dramatic, yet stuff just flows a bit more automatically and others make these associations to and claim and call it memory or whatever, it's dependt some like when I see Sadghuru or Deepak Chopra seem to come from a more conscious conception of memory and not this rational standard of reguritating pain. Of course it can be painful, especially if you remember a lot. Anyhow, I am wondering where to put my spirit in, I would like to work in America it's the software engineering country Nr.1 besides most likely India and China and I would not want to live in these places, besides maybe China. 

India I have never been to, and the negative side of it and the amount of brutal deception and not subtle is very toxic. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I just dunno what to do I could eventually get my hands directly on some software architecture things, yet that will take a few bouts of depth of meditation to work and gain these skills, I am just unsure what to do in the meantime, I thought about ordering some food or eating out with friends, yet at times it's boring when I am not working on a project. 
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My current career personal project is more finding back to spiritual depth, and being more chill about life. The morning workouts are very good, I don't also go for gains that hard. 

This is interesting:
 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I dunno at times, I'd like to move to a place where there are more developers, the developers that I've meet all have similar interest and could be interested in psychdelics.... 

Yeah, right now I am so bored fundamentally, I thought about writting this weird dealer who added me on WhatsApp to get some cannabis, yet I did not do it. I might play some baldurs gate and stream a bit, yet that is all that I am going to do, for self-entertainment, right now I sort of feel the issue of how much depth of awareness has gotten lost, and it's like the universe sends me the payback of the undeveloped future in the present. It's odd, as usually I would've encoded these patterns. 

I wrote to a muslim guy living in egypt, he told me his business plans for the country which I thought was interesting, yet it's often just some conquerer/warrior story, it's interesting mostly by the idea. I think he noticed also, yet I feel a bit burned listening to a lot of suffering ever since my friends father died and my grandma, it was a bit to much like it really tore me apart the level of pain and numbness at the sametime. I just don't really know what to do with my free time, as a lot of ambition is lost even in gaming, the level of stress leadership errects in my nervous system, I can't handle it as much anymore. It's to much "thoughness" and not enough self-efficiency not autonomey, yet just self-efficiency so autonomie happens more automatically in a holistic fashion that is sort of emerging as a general trend. But, so far. I dunno I'd rather cuddle on the couch with a girl and play xbox or smth, and just chill atm. I am just not very much in the mood to create, and I dunno what my gift to the world is anymore as I lost a lot of physical capabillity, and it's an issue when I meet black people etc. Due to an extrem level of health marketing, and it's a bit of an annoyance, yet they are generally more supportive and loving when someone is injured, "they" and/but/yet; again I dunno simply as to spirituality I can comfortably do a 53 min practice for like months now? 

It's odd bringing back effortlessness while many are just lusting/passionately and or with hate (especially in e-sports), when I saw the philipinesse now USA playing chess player Weslo So talking about how he visualized a lot and played a whole tournament and had this spacious wolf vision vibe, I was just convinced that creativity can win, yet it's a subtle thread, and it creates a lot of peace, rest  and creation. 

I hope the software world will do more good than the material warfare world, I watched almost all of it now. LSD will arrive on Monday, I could work on smaller scale A.I projects with the coding books, and upload parts of them. Uhm.... yeah right now it's just also I would've loved going for food. My life has become so weird, as I am ahead of the curve by a lot, and most people are vastly asleep and I also fuck up, it's odd. 

There is a new field emerging I am not mentioning and if you paid attention, I already mentioned it, but right now I would care to life more like Lex, and just have an extremely abundant and rich social life, with hobbies and psychedelic interest and some serious money and access to girls and parties for fun. I dunno. As due to the injury I can't do stuff that I deemed more fun and make seriously a lot of friends, and the gaming community I don't have that much friends anymore as some are just very toxic like 95% of the community I'd say is toxic and maintainin any of it I dunno. Also there is no real game out right now the game I was playing to enjoy beauty more. A guy triggered me with his stupidity generally all games I've played today either my or the others stupdity triggered me due to the power abuse spectrum of I don't know, but you have to know non-engineers. 

It's like, the more deeply you can emobdy a zen -> alien (?) -> god alien zen vibe I dunno. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Girl also suggested Sunday and TADA SHE IS TURKISH RANDOM?????????????????????

 

3 turkish girl now I am dating, I also finally understood the kurdish and marxist vibe, and the dark feminity aspect of it

Edited September 23, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Self-Help bullshit is also ANNOYING HOLY CRAP JUST BULLET POINT EVERYTHING AND SHUT UP I DUNNO 
 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Back from my little post hiatus, I will hopefully settle all of the stuff today regarding my uni account etc. The LSD stuff will arrive also, and I have some work to-do as we meet up tomorrow, and I have to dive into the technologies of stuff LLM's, it's odd beign consistently ahead of the curve and not, so to speak. Many who would downtalk such stuff have never even done it. 

It's cool to make sci-fi a reality also. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

What my biggest insights recently are sort of is the issue of sexual energy and creation, the more sexual energy I generally have the more I go after creation, yet when I am consciously to some level engage in sex, even when I am not a very good energetic practicinor, I get some very good level of deconstructive construction in that sense, notion and biases of sex. Also a sense of self-love, yet that is also found in the austerity of sexual activity, all in all the internet culture and the excessive quality of porn that exists, I mean to be frank I have seen everything on the planet, and some stuff I do not want to see twice, and the level of porn that you can get for free. Like you can be a bit more specific, yet that is just a bit to much imo. 

What I don't find easy is simply this, to have a deep life purpose and spiritual connection when so much flesh and money is made easy nowadays, the gap between rich & poor is also only increasing as many also don't take chances within the tech industry, as this is the most growing sector, there will be new machinery to replace humans now for eons, and knowledge will be the primary source of wealth in a field. Knowledge and art, and science. Otherwise I dunno I just find it odd. 

Right now it's just also insane how many girls crave materalistic pleasure to be beautiful while it's mostly from inside, that is why artsy girls generally have this strong vibe of inner radiance in contrast to material chasing merit whippers . I don't know what to exactly point to, yeah there is some emptiness very deep when I don't chase it consciously etc. If I do my work decently well I will have fantastic connections with an already fantastic company. What bothers me a bit here, is how on average weak men are here when it comes to practicing sex as a highly conscious thing and not ejaculate and stuff like this more it feels more like sex chasing and not becoming a social god so to speak, who could have a positive influence to society, it's at times to goal directed, to meet needs that are not that high generally speaking. Just very basic and bothering, especially how people enjoy it let alone a deep meditation and or yoga practice makes sex most likely another issue as it's so enjoyable you can make it a practice for awakening. 

Uhm otherwise, I hope soon the switch comes the biggest setbacks are the social sphere feedback and how much this sort of outstrips (=?=?) myself, so I feel I can conquer everything etc. Having very good social connections in the tech field is the best thing that can happen for me. Till now it's okay.

There is a deep part of me that yearns for beauty and nature. I dunno with all the technological advancement which city in the U.S could be first to implement it will it be Vegas? San Fransico? New York? I'd definitely would like to live in a city with more tech people. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also more attractive girls, this city is not so good to much liberal degeneracy and poltical seperation, there is no unifcation of some level of moderate perceptions with more fair chances and earnest interests etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's also a huge motivator for a good high in artistic interest. I never noticed how strong... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Feelings of inadequacy are also still a huge obstacle at times, I just would enjoy it to be in an office in America with more high spirited people, people here are very animalstic not as materalistic, it's a subtle difference. To go into the mall for pizza or to work all year for your vacation etc. It's odd. I do think I would enjoy non-northerners work culture more. Like in Italy, Spain etc. I am just a bit afraid of the nationalism etc. That can happen etc, and if I get enough money it does not matter as I can do retreats in nature etc. To recharge this is missing the most for projects. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Living in America is still a dream coming true and truer for me. Also in a bigger city, the rural areas are trickyer, as they will have this german animalistic vibe. It really depends. 

Edited September 25, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

True. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

For me it's quiet evident what I'd like to do, I don't think German culture is as good at times, it's very energy draining as it's to introverted. 

Yeah they also delivered my stuff, I dunno the German 6'ish culture makes it very unenjoyable as many are predictable individuals just looking for predictions and glee, it's not as fun. I don't enjoy the subtle level of glee and I would do better in sweden, as I feel the country loves beauty more and has a deeper culture level. I dunno same for norway I dunno finns are weird still, yet I will move countries 100%. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also sixes tend to be one of the biggest assholes by people and the 5'ish stuff in the background just make it very fear based in the background, Germans are legit very paranoid. I don't think I could ever live in Baveria, I would move to Switzerland or BaWü. etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

In contrast 6's can be one of the most intensing loving people, as they pay a lot of attention, then again I would do better in a more freedom oriented country than order for example. I have to fill out some stuff and soon call the Prüfungsamt and then see what will happen I do need my account to get access for lectures etc. I hope they will allow me this etc. A lot of girls seemingly have been sick working there, I wonder at times if this is an issue due to men having a weaker purpose nowadays, and beign less connected to god, and the "healty/toxic" men converting back to stage blue to redeem their sins. 

The issue is connecting to spirit at blue without turning dogmatic, and refering to these people as this is like 90% of the globe still and they still get alont to some extend, speaking to people who have faith, they still trust and accept me more as long as they are not racist about biology. Which is just generally speaking very interesting to me. 

I sort of miss also this coming home of provision thing that I never saw with my parents, yet you see on TV, I also might do better living in New York etc. Than any other city I dunno. Right now it's odd contemplating how to become, so yeah that masculine edge is missing a bit, yet will be back with some exercising etc. It's quiet evident that my life purpose is not existing in Germany, I feel better living in other countries etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Difference in administration level oh man I wish I would live in a 500-760k city and be rich, and just know ppl. All good 0 worries had 0 worries the whole time, the OG parts of high-green context acceptance bound within rules super high, less pressure better performance, yet high yellow is what you'd want. Anyway and anyhow

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also with meditation and shadow work sort of the dark feminine meritocracy drive in orange in me, I don't know how to label that, due to the percetion of these drives, they are both seen as more feminine among men. Like status = masculine, merit = feminine mostly. I don't know if it's exactly that, yet if you engage with these drives and you see girls in nearby, they will see status and achievement as the bigger masculine depth, than merit. Merit would be = beauty, strength mostly and a mixture of what is a tiny bit more whole already, it's like men seeing girls with status, and you see just a more "holistic expression" of masculine has the core is more feminine of the person and vice-versa with people who have excellence and merit drives more than status and achievement. So yeah that is an observation so far. 

I can't trip today due to work, yet tomorrow after the meeting, so I am looking forward to that. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Right now, I wonder I don't have the same drive for stuff, I definitely would do better moving to an even more conscious area on all spiral levels more conscious orange & green especially. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am super happy for my trip tomorrow post-work etc. Right now I just really like to connect back to consciouness, and move to a place where technology and nature are more in harmony, and where I can find more software engineers, especially non-toxic ones. That I see on the net to often who're just to independent minded, you can't do it alone no matter, what you mostly you walk the path alone, that is the fine difference.