Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

I also found this guy a while ago. Also at times nature is consciouness the universe is greeting me I negated so many positive messages at times.... due to lack of faith, in a strong sixish country which is a positive aspect of the six, it's very very odd. To have faith & be in faith without any ideas, just the pure experience of faith. 

This is way more calming for my nervous system also even on an overload of coffee. 

Edited September 20, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also to feed my positive bias, as this IQ survival shit is annoying as hell. 

https://www.spring.org.uk/2023/02/musical-i.php#:~:text=A preference for instrumental music,tend to have higher IQs.

I can't listen to any vocals besidse in hip-hop music & generally I've listend to less and less vocal music, and generally never listend for vocals and analyzing texts, I've always only liked the purity of sound and rhythm. Anyway, look I meditate for 1h, and I find some bullshit, also with the current level of science I trust it less and less if it's not validated by some stuff, it's also not the holy grail of society, it's like the job market baiting with stress in a sense or positive stress. 

I also posted the music stuff from huberman so I dunno. 

https://www.spring.org.uk/2022/10/mhigh-iq-c.php

Scientific materalism how I feel good by of myself??? GRADING SCORE SCORE SCORE fantastic. Stage orange exellence drive..... I dunno. 

Ah there is techno also mysteriously. Scoring the highest I dunno. What this says, I don't really trust a lot of studies anymore. 

https://sites.psu.edu/siowfa15/2015/09/16/can-music-determine-intelligence/

Edited September 20, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I dunno depending on how cogntively demanding something is absolute silence is a must, I dunno also the bullying in music school without the empathy and just this rightousness motivation was not good. So yeah there is definitely some shadow there but idc. Humanity is very odd and when the racist scientific materalists finally admit their flaws, they just beg for social darwinism in a sense of another and domination and dark masculine traits. I dunno. IDC tomorrow is gym time I meet to many high iq people to say I am dumb it's the average shaming folk that is an annoyance etc. 

Also if you can't listen to the subtelties in advanced techno etc. you're pretty basic... yet if you like edm.. like .... at one point it's super super basic... 
 

Like this I can't listen to it since ages, like eons never ever. It was always my jokster of a music type to make fun of, to connect to others I never comprehended it, but I can enjoy most likely all generes etc. I dunno.  Odd anyway.... like I said 1h meditation and yeahh... all types of connections. Good ones, bothering ones etc. 
 

[ValiantSalvatore]

https://www.spring.org.uk/2022/09/preference-h-c.php

Then again.... so much shifted to techno... & rave.... it's a new culture in a sense.... I enjoy some classical rock and some good heavy metal like korn & slipknot, but yeah I dunno. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

https://integrallife.com/sentio-ergo-sum-the-emotional-line-of-development/?utm_source=Integral+Life+Newsletter&utm_campaign=190ee98752-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2023_09_20_08_07&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_-190ee98752-[LIST_EMAIL_ID]&goal=0_de2cfb3770-190ee98752-50544053&mc_cid=190ee98752 

Thought about this just read and talked for 1h to my mother. Again this online-gaming culture was so childishly toxic I deleted a guy who I helped in a game, yet people who call me stupid are like instant deleted. I helped him directly via pm, not some group thingy it's weird how dumb you can also be is incredible. It just shows how much this single-mother parenting goes in a sense, many have no ambition in life whatsoever to do smth. big when they are brought up like this, as they are ultra sensetive to harmony and manipulate like toxic little girls. It's the biggest childishness and immaturity, especially when you did not have some level of "thoughing up" from other males just to show you oh damn this is how people are here if you seriously are interested in doing stuff, but anyway.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I dunno why I should ruin my fun on purpose with toxic kids, it's still odd to realize the immaturity of online culture. Especially, when I do one little consciounes practice how fast this goes and how heavy I am tested sort of. 

I am more interested how working within the company will be I dunno if I ever be truly happy, due to my vision original being more scientific in nature, yet due to the heavy orange discourse of it and not having enough green science. At minimum I started to dislike it. Especially then putting in the hard work & also considering the life purpose. I don't feel like I've been at a place where I can consciously enjoy life. 

The emotional testing of others and how somehow the conservative side of me appears and the guilt tripping of this intellectual stuff. I dunno I enjoy the vibe of the company very much in my head it's still very different. 

I don't vibe well with toxicity when I am alone a lot of the times, it does not even mean I need people, yet this tribal online toxicity is just unfun.

It's the nastiest form of immaturity I've witnessed since I was bullied at basketball as I had more charisma, charm and skill and toxic people are envious of likeable and socially skilled people. They put them down for their own state and to get into their own little toxic relationship. 

I dunno it's odd currently. I'll talk to the therapist to do the whole course again from Leo is just not really the move. I even did the other course where it was a bit more about this stuff and. I dunno what type of entertainment. I would enjoy originally I journaled by hand to digest all of these emotions as I felt like some Germans are cold and utterly dumb Nazis. 

Anyway, I'll listen so some David Deida purpose is currently not really there. Due to the injury I found a lot of purpose in lifting & coding & reading also education. Yet like all answers are found for this mostly in contemplation and meditation sitting down thinking for hours I would get and did get to similar conclusions and training plans. Reality is some level of coaching is missing, that I yearned to do, yet to bring in spirit into my work.... was the biggest gift to me.... like Allah or w/e. 

I don't care as much anymore. I'll talk to the psychotherapist at best, yet if I pay for cheap practical burn-out advice. Just no. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Went to the gym and did some life purpose oriented stuff, that was not corrupted by this materalistic pleasure seeking and I had this so deeply, also that there are multiple parts with multiple purposes in this IFS concept, yet all of this is not as advanced as Deida and I am lookg and as I did more work.
Also a lot of naysayers about the spiritual stuff are deeply stuck in stage orange it's very pleasent to meet spiritual people at stage orange or achiever. I listend to the Dr. Tian Podcast and did his meditation. 

The deeper my spiritual purpose the more in alignment I am with my work and relationships, as this was for me about finances I got so side-tracked into another part of purpose of mine, that I can't even properly life anymore it's weird. 
 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am grateful for getting back into my spiritual purpose of life and see that as a priority
I am thankful for the audiobook the way of suprior man
I am thankful that I made new friends
I am thankful that I can meet the needs of my self
I am thankful I connected to my purpose more deeply today and was more on schedule

Also embracing dark masculine desire in a healthy way is the current crux, of a lot of stuff. I feel that part has been restrained heavily with a single-mother household and only "women" as status figures it's not good. 

Listening to the way of suprerior man etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also the point of financial freedom is all spiritual to me, I find deep strength in spiritual depth when I can meditate for this and it's like I would scream I love money, as I deeply feel it, what to do about this?

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's funny how they often recommend 10 minutes, I currently don't vibe with the weekly goal thing etc. I could also engage in sexual activity less in terms of masturbation when I really crave living from my deepest gift, that is why I wished to have a partner, I do feel there are some things especially the goal and commitment part from the masculine thing, as I did this so much in the recent years, I sort of burned out this part, and there is a deep sprititual yearning for a deeper realization so I can go back into that depth, and also not take swines with me, I don't like some men who act all connected, yet are way more disconnected than they realize. These people really need nature or smth. 

A bit hyped about my psychdelic trip and doing the work progression thingy within the company and doing some reading. Also inspiring to have a new friend that also would like to work in life in america. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Done with the audiobook was a very good refresher about what it means to be masculine and to not deny the dark masculine desire and trust it otherwise the girl won't trust it, the issue then still is collectively how toxic is it. 

Not going to be easy to find a deep purpose again, as I heavily included my body in this subconsciously. 

Edited September 21, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also when I am using sexual energy more consciously and I masturbate only once or twice a week and really go out, for example all of this internal sexual energy will get centered around my heart space and it's the energy of creation from David Deidas talks, I do some practices for example, yet energetically I am so fk*ed it's better when I do this at a 9to5 as it's not as bad then. As it's survival on a boat so to speak and we do set anchor at different stations to resupply, the issue is just when I am home, and then channeling that energy. 

Adovacting to much sex, when you have a very high sex drive so it oblierterats ones purpose is not so good, it's better if I can live it out with a girl and austerity and challenge are two masculine qualities, I've did a lot of austerity craving type things, and also challenge type of things, so right now austerity is more the game again. Gym session was super whack, yet I do what I can so to speak. I will also completely stop squatting due to the knee injury and just do this hip thrusting thing and build triceps & biceps, I notice building the strength of my arms gave me the biggest joy, before it was the whole body, not just arms makes me feel my heart in a sense and strong from inside out. 

Uhm... yeah.... then the Deida stuff & America and my new friends, I hope I can get to some readings and just stop the excessive masturbation thingy, besides when I really need it during exam periods I just dunno can't give a fuck, as it helps me, to sleep otherwise it's just excessive sort of masturbation. 

I wish I could take a break and be at place to deeply think about my life purpose, sex was definitely part of it and doing these sexual practices even if it's in austerity, I would do it rather with a partner, as I know my and I will jerk off just massively as I don't see the point if there are not to many options. I might text the turkish/german girl today, and find a deeper center.

Also the feedback of friends for example and this goal commitment thingy if we would do it in a healthy sports spirit, it would be good, yet I find it challenging career wise, due to the lack of spiritual depth, I would need to set spiritual challenges in a sense with them, as I would have a better gain like stretch for x amount or sit on sunday for 3h or saturday etc. Do psychdelics every second months etc. These are challenges worthy or in terms of getting girls, yet this also diminished. I thought about some Deida & integral workshops, and just the reminders how the world is testing oneself and how often I gave up right before the success would happen as the drama is so immense for an emotional person and it's often from the most unrelateable and stupid minor things, I dunno at times how to resolve this. Besides loving these problems and acting slightly psychopathic with love, like a loving psychopath that rapes you / ravishes you in love and just emotionally threatens you, but does no physical harm, like you'd be so bamboozled you'd be stuck in a stockholm syndrom and expect to be ravished again ?, that is how I feel at these moments. Using sexual energy more consciously generally gave me somewhat more real life results, especially like I am so in touch with masculine energy due to not depleting it in excess masturbation and orgasm. I dunno it's odd and I also wake up earlier when I don't masturbate for example for a couple of days.

I just generally can enjoy femine things more, yet at times my dark masculine sort of power drive takes over as I would get into fights, as this somehow is a threatening energy when others threaten your energy when you hold eye contact at the gym for example. I don't like it as people often will greet me or find me sympathic or give me a heads up body language thing, like what's up *moves head upwards* at night time it's not as bad as this energy is more embraced, so I can look guys into the eyes and girls, and it's a social thing, in the gym it's just monkeys powering, at work it's social hierachy powering, and at a club it's mostly a bit more nuanced it's not as power oriented as in these settings. During the day there is the social shame factor of it, I dunno it's odd some people really enjoy having eye contact due to this excessive starring from my mother I was bothered by it, so it's for me better to do this with an intimate partner and deeply show feelings that way. etc. Anyway. Small thingy here. 

Would be cool to finally move to America, I would most likely enjoy italian, spanish and maybe some other northern country like netherlands type of work culture more. I dunno. Anyway that is it from me... Canada could also work, if they are distant but compassionate. That is why I am still interested in sweden, yet they seem more familiar with stuff. I dunno, couple of companies I could go to, if I ask the right person if I did some work on projects etc. 

Definitely Switzerland is the most attractive thing, yet it's better to do stuff within the company first.. I presume. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

If DMT is legalized in California I dunno when I follow my heart I would still like to experience an adventure sort of either in Asia or Mexico, yet all of this spiritual questing so to speak has to be a fuel deep down for this. Not getting laid in that sense. It's also a catchy tune I adopted on fear based from Leo, as it was never as bad, and this was sort of a very rough and unneccessary testing, yet seeing videos from years ago how healthy the guy was etc. It's quiet strong what work ethic he put out, I notice sort of the issue of competing then with him and generally, and even in creation there are like issue, especially with sexual energy then. So I dunno I also don't get as triggered when men give me feedback and normal feedback when I don't masturbate as much.

Also did this inner child thingy with Dr. David Tian today, yet the point with Deida is simply this, he said it does not matter yet to be in ones deep purpose, also to set a life purpose like for the entire life is odd. Yet I did it even changed it, I would still love to grew a weed plant in america, do some mushrooms, travel to asia at best both thailand and the philipenes and just nature for sex yes I said it, also visit mexico maybe once, and I dunno otherwise living in America is still a deep calling I feel at times where I get tested by the world etc.

So yeah, let's hope for the best. I would most likely also have more passion teaching american kids coding and stuff than germans, as the culture is very sweet when they are normal usually. Like super sweet and interesting. I could also I bet do some more spiritual stuff and create a community of some sort, here I don't find it as engaging etc. Anyway, I'd have to get into specifics right now it's simply do a "Fortbildung" within the company, when the boss is back ask for this etc. So they know and they might use me etc. So I can build a skillset here and deepen spiritual practice mostly. Also especially deepen my spiritual practice could be very important for now, I did not notice how much the issue of sex and cleanliness even might play a role, but yeah I dunno at times. It's enough. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also to simply schedule the retreats again from Shinzen is very good to come into contact with my purpose but fuck I crave fking sex and shit afterwards it's heavy with a home retreat at this place etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's raining outside & it's beautiful .... I wish I would have some cannabis right now... dunno if I get into some reading today, tomorrow I work on the project again. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I really don't enjoy treating life as a game, and this nose to the grindstone thing that is incoperated into so many aspects etc. OH also watch a great movie while it's raining.... 

uhm.... yet more as an experience. I dunno. I might read and post a little smth. about it soonish....

[ValiantSalvatore]

The nose to the grindstone thing is very simply also part of  immature masculinity I am listening to the audiobook again. I dunno like I am playing on the american server it's an insane immaturity it's beyond me at times. it's so toxic it's insane... yeah leauge of legends very fun...

[ValiantSalvatore]

Every point in my lfie is a test or a celebration

lol

[ValiantSalvatore]

Did not really get to a reading I do find "squandering" ones health is the worst type of thing when to do. 

I listened to the contraction part & living & giving from that contraction be it a business etc. I played with one of these Marcel guys who victimizes themselves and just can't deal with imperfections it's such a weak sense of leadership nobody listens and just appraisal and approval. It's like humans like this denzly there edge. It's odd seeing how likeable and dislikeable America can be at them sometime, also setting loving challenges is very interesting. I did not think about this. Also I know without as much masturbation I generally do more work as I channel that energy to some extend the whole sort of weak masculinity of actualized.org imo, stems from failed channeled sexual energy in many, this is also what I wondered about. & it's not just living a good life it's about living an excellent life. 

Anyhow, the uni might get some stuff that is very good and saves me money, so I could even visit my family more effectively. Otherwise ambition and challenge wise, especially intellectual as it takes so much time away from sex etc. Also the irony of stuff is the more I was on purpose and I was less thinking about sex the more social I was besides I purposely go out with the intent to experience lust consciously then there is an effort for lust. 

Just to give from this pent up contraction front breathing thing & state is new to me. Also creating new states like Ralston etc. Yeah hm.... I just realize sort of how fortunate I am. The killing of my inner perfectionist was still the best part, yet I feel if there is no intent to experience perfection at all, then there is no experience of it made available. Some are so arrogant and in a state of juvenile rebellion. It's not confusion. It's juvenile rebellion without leading in a sense that bothered me and where he bullied me. Which is odd, as you can clearly notice when s1 is in his edge it's very different, also my body craves a lot of food. I really dunno what to eat besides cooking large and I get triggered by being good and then the Nazi fking pulls out his cigarette. People subtely abuse space in nasty nasty ways. As I don't cook while watching I find it a stupid dogma to stay with food when I am not interested to cook consciously. I am not at that level of mindfulness practice and peace anymore. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Watch I don't jerk off and I wake up with full energy, quitting pmo was originally one if my goals, as it never does as well. Then Leo convinced me and generally the consensus exists that in moderation it's great. 

I dunno also with this Marcel type of video game guy as if does show shadow patterns and patterns I overcame similar when people give their best to offend me it's often the same insecure shit about themselves that bothers them. It's very very very ironic almost. As it's the curse of being average in a sense and hence they project all the negative quality of being average to 5's type of enneagrams as they tend to go for big pictures and generalizations to some extend or expertise. America is especially stupid at times when I see these guys I often give my best to trigger them slightly with Trump voter allegations it's very funny to me. To see just what s1 likes this would believe in, yet it's a lot of average frustrated chumps.

Sort of being a slave to mastery is often more enjoyable with efficient 7 qualities for example I dunno how to express constantly and sobriety in intent and quick thinking at an "ultra" level. 

Since America is still so young as a country it's odd seeing how much stage red Trauma Elements are lived out, where in Europe there is more of a healthy catharsis of this with 1000x sport varieties and online games even nowadays. It's odd. I keep listening to this I asked the Turkish girl out for next week I hope psychedelics arrive or they did not convsfitixatatta it. 

I could write down what the world test me most often is is dark masculine traits of absolut liberation and providing a healthy amount of clarity and orientation/direction. 

Drama emotional when problem solving and energy vampires when I live very healthy like smoking etc. As I have karma of accepting everyone and I did smoke, yet I stopped like longtime ago and restarted briefly as I was depressed and very suicidal, now I am 2 years clean, even touched cannabis completely clean. Also this is how suicidal notions started and depression nicotine. 

As my parents both smoked, but yeah that sort of thing but bla bla you could also use it as a nootripic etc. What I am trying to say is living from deep purpose and making progress by failing is good. The audiobook helps more as it's just made so digestable for a reader to listen to. I dunno I love audiobooks.