Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

I currently don't know what to do, the only thing that properly wakes me up is sexual activity.... I had a dream in fact multiple dreams today. I can only recall one at the moment.

We played soccer in an non-existing town, I would associate with another dream I had recently, and it was 7 friends 4 by which I can count their name of. My best friend made the comment as everyone was complimenting him on beign so good as a "striker" yeah that is why I played as a defender ironically. 

I don't know what that dream symbolized, yet when I was briefly awake I was happy well... at least I can play soccer in my dreams, and I felt good. As I did not have any injury and the body-awareness that I have now was the body awareness I had while playing soccer, just without the injury. Another friend told me about a drug, I am not paraprhasingngngn what he said, yet he told me it was new, he did it in such a way only he did and I am not friends with this guy in real life anymore. 

I thought multiple times about deleting my actualized.org account before briefly having sexual contact, due to how Hurensöhnig this website ist Veranalagt and it's the absolute truth. so much sex/lust/desire is associated mostly positively as just now, and negatively about addiction in a sense, and I cant stop. This is it for now.

I don't feel well. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I often felt my spiritual practice was so strong, others legit tore me down, as I did not have so many materalistic cravings besides beauty & sex. I dunno.... 

Edited September 17, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I felt also they were fking envious, as they lacked the intuitive grasping especially the logical type of people were super envious and made everything about work ... they never appreciated the process imo-. like never...

[ValiantSalvatore]

I don't really know how to go about my egoic cravings as they are more exhausting than a conscious lifestyle. Yet, I still notice how the enemy distorts me... I could write more about this, this includes Leo's hating on buddhist it's drama he is denying. 

No buddhist ever claims he's free of suffering when questioned with torture... I dunno I don't think he can lead anyone. I'll call my mother soon. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

The issue with most people who think they are right are the ones who are negative and wrong. 

Truth is nothing comes easy, and most decisions don't work linear. Academia is still worth it, it's more the humans and students who are the nasty pieces existing there. 

Also state chasing.... is close to gone thanks to me beign unable to do the type of exercises anymore, so I never noticed how much these high states helped me in staying motivating. It was not really state chasing more state striving. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I stopped with the 1h, as I became so toxic somehow & still maybe it's simply the path.... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I dunno maybe I should take knowledge as a value again to take the pain more in, knowledge, truth, mastery, consciouness, wisdom, love, fun instead of passion I am not a very passionate human. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Truth is okay if it contains knowledge for me. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I talked to my mother, that was good I generally experience a lot of shame, I notice people who experience a lot of shame need a lot of communication generally, they just feel things more most likely.... anyway, I do more of what I got to do, and if people hate me fuck them, if people pull me down fuck them even more, if people steal energy from me fuck you till your karma fucks you. 

Just fuck you generally speaking if you're against me and not helping me even if you don't know, how at least have the level of respect to SHUT UP!!!

Thank you. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I could do more of what worked in the past.... hard work... silence.... and reflection.... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I hope I can document most of the hard work here, and get rid of some toxic influences, yet it's pretty bad how hard materalism hits. So again I use this as an accountability structure I definitely need to talk at one point etc. 

Edited September 17, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I also don't know how to properly keep my word due to how I barely had any help in testing my limits and I have unrecognized giftedness and un"potentiated".... it's not good if I can't talk for a couple of hours, I never needed this. It's better to also not do any cannabis anymore, it's a huge distraction. 

For me seeing this nihilistic nazi culture depending on their family for love like nazis is nasty. I will go to the doctor also tomorrow I barely can find anyone who can help me properly and due to nazi diagnosis there is close to 0 trust in science etc. As I don't have anything it's just extreme life experiences that create these circumstances etc. 

I hope my meditation today will fix this ... I don't enjoy how life has been turning out recently, as I gave myself up due to all the negativity etc. and just not finding strength... I will report my 1h session and do my best to create better circumstance, I will msot likely bare handed kill a man if he fucks with me at certain parts of my life or knife the person down at one point. I lost all my inspirations later more...

[ValiantSalvatore]

i could also care more about energy...

[ValiantSalvatore]

I took a shower for today... amazing.... I don't like the subcurrent of the story Leo spun, I also feel more good energy, I could also stop again with the coffee completely. I put it away or even throw the machine away and just drink tea.... I did so much work not drinking coffee, yet I get a cognitive edge that is immense drinking it... I dunno why that is that way, yet I dunno. I just don't most likely can deal with any substances properly. 

When I am calm I am like god. 
 

 

Edited September 17, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Well... I am going to the doctor tomorrow I find it also a bit inhuman to create odd circumstances etc... but okay.... this is me then...

[ValiantSalvatore]

I personally feel my thinking with A.I is to advanced, yet my skillset is lacking immensely... yet we got some cool opportunity to fundamentally create psycho-pass for projects. 

Most are fundamentally stuck at orange applications I get again green/yellow minimun stuff. as it's not has hardware oriented which is good. In the end the whole world will be run by this, that is the issue of merit, giftedness and skill. 

Edited September 17, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

 I dunno I never had a person not enjoy my ideas, besides the ones who just want to make profit, the point is all the spritiual depth goes into all my ideas etc. and people just love it and like it they don't comprehend where this is coming from and me at times neither. They call it intuition while it's pure consciouness.... 

Edited September 17, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I'll most likely also ask the new guy if he baby sits me if I ever do NN-DMT, as I just know that is the better option and he has experience with psychdelics. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I hope I can into the spiritual depth again, and be consistent and deal with the emotional pain of this. The point of mindfulness has become an issue I am glad I don't have a definition of it, nor would I make one. I will also reduce most physical efforts and focus more on mental and mental games etc. As I can't simply take it as serious as I did, yet I can take a video game or chess serious still for example... I hope this translates also to the depth of studying etc.... & do all the success things in the morning etc.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Let's see what this will be tomorrow, I figure that I somehow found a way to enjoy my life and be chill again, I dunno why I suddenly like the piano also, yet it is the case.