Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

I dunno man why do people who trigger me like me??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?!!?!??!?!! I dunno I keep listening to these positive messages for now, and just give me 2000000000€ comment, enjoy it take it suck on it, and take a huge fart, while sniffing nail polish on PCP or smth. I dunno, to much Dave Chappelle. 

Conscious creation I was missing this fundamentally every second, every minute, every hour to be in a conscious creative state, I might have to choose and rechoose some values, that I even like professionalism in contrast to this Azlack mentality & Boss domination without style... like every boss with style HAS PROFESSIONALISM OMFG:

[ValiantSalvatore]

I also get so many compliments I bet I could get my dick sucked in office. I bet with you on a line of LSD, just wearing these clothes. Then my secretary can put a hell in my ass, so I have an alien orgasm while turkish azzlack is on the street sucking Andrew Tate dick for money, instead of getting rid of his corruption. What corruption causes which corruption?

I would be such a nazi, that actually is cool, and in reality I just wanna run around half-naked lol. That would be the definition of ultra clean, when I would do this I asked the model girl for going out shopping, if not I ask the chinese girl. 

I'll most likely order some LSD also again, and just shot out my existence and do proper conscious creation worst comes worse I kill some turkish guy in a moment of panic, could give a rats ass, if you're that sensational fuck freak and have no sense of personal boundaries you deserve to get hit by some shit 99.9% of people do this besides that one turkish guy not even arabic just turkish. I dunno why, yes I am beign racist, and I claim I am the inventor of racism now. I have the priviledge, as my ultimate German birht right, I created some Germans with Sieg Hail to see how they react, they just said Hello back, Funny times Covid-19. 

I need a better gulag(univeristy)

I'd wonder how it be meeting American muslims, they seem so normal in contrast to this horseshit here. 

Edited September 14, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I completely forgot conscious creation thanks to all the Elon Animal Breeders. I just choose this for now, again and turn on the Camera and just focus as much on conscious creation, this is also where I cleaned my appartement at times I forget speaking to people makes it more conscious and I am glad my mother has similar things in concern about this turkish b.s It has nothing to do anymore with integrity just power and corruption. 

Edited September 14, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also to enact my freedom of speech HAHA that be funny, so much cursing is I dunno, I started to learn higher vocab usually. I might hang-up my old vision board just to have a better imprint it did help more than the goal thing I just forget... I am not the kind of humans for goals I need routines from purple on onwards. & even beige. 

Any type of social connection usually helps me tremendously, especially now. I could give less shits etc. and buy the stuff like even less shit, I dunno ranting somehow helped me, it's like consciousally toxic ranting like this Alex Jones guy, is therapeutic I believe, I just don't spout bullshit I just talk shit. 

All of this daddy stuff currently is also and absolute fking insanity, like 2 generations completely traumatized by meritocracy stage orange credit excess. OR stage green dumb fuckery. 

Edited September 14, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

For me it's also better fully embracing the digital sphere how I felt and lived it, this mix is awesome,  I can't listen to curent techno even & all the cultural shit 90% of people don't even know the fking artist nor look at the sample. It's just fitting in, I dunno I just could focus more on conscious creation....

And do shadow work about this turkish culture b.s at times and juvenile meritculture structures. It's not mature merit it's immature cool b.s. Like owning guns to shot cats or smth. 

Edited September 14, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also this music helps me with gym motivation tremendously, to not listen to this fking emotional manipulation of gym music born out of Adolf Hitlers graveyard rendered by Arnold conservative music taste with a little bit of Schlager, sorry for the connection yet I bet he could take it. With that I meant current state of Hip-Hop music in the gym. 

Adolf be mixing some great tracks for ray ray feels though I wish they would stop it with the ghetto man. 

 

Edited September 14, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Let's see if this will be the shift that I am seeking I asked my friends also for a bit more emotional support I can't take this turkish shit projections and heartlessness at times. More Germans = good

[ValiantSalvatore]

The injury also makes it not easy to enjoy the foods and do work, that I used to have, and it's at times a little to much. I also feel better eating meat, in the sense. I dunno all symptoms are gone mostly, they only appear when I run outside. 

So dunno I just eat again what I want as I already eat very healthy. Maybe that was a ghost in my brain. 

When I eat massive sugar though this is where the worst shit happens, yet so far it's been very good. I just find it extrem how conscious I'd need to life live, even if I had a normal gf I'd do better, as I can refelct on especially good food choices etc.. I dunno all cravings are gone as soon as I drink coffee with honey and cinneamon and eat apples etc. 

So I am eating more freely. I should not worry anymore, besides when I eat out often and improve quality of food when I can, right now it's just to much and German food stores are pretty bad. To basic and food culture is meat. 

Edited September 14, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I dunno can't really come to terms with the hedonism of this day & age & not being allowed to participate due to white part of my genetics. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Culutral sphere in Germany for black ppl is also shit, I don't enjoy the indiviudal average consensus, only with some. It's odd. I don't like it. Also barely anyone who likes jazz or stuff like this horrible ppl. Shame on them for shit culture. 

Edited September 14, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I would need a decade break at a monastary to get out of this shit with a psychologist highly trained. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I'll make an attempt to quit actualized.org again, and mostly call my mother for some emotional solace, it has become better as she realized her gaslighting patterns and takes it seriously my aunt on the other hand omfg, burn that lesbian witch on a stake and call Andrew Tate to lead the witch hunt, gaslighting and rage are disgusting. Very unloving person funnels everything into animals this is what I also mean at times, super materalistic and upptity and then feels discriminated when someone does more than her and left out piece of shit German. Usually she is fine, yet recently she just became a giant animalstic shaming asshole. 

I don't blame her, yet it's been an issue in that sense I focus more on real relationships.... etc. I find it difficult to not speak with someone. 

My aunt has seriously been an ass in a sense, yet she does not realize this. They just also appreciate all love through gifts.... typical materalist.... = Most Germans..... 

She has been the only one also supportive, and I am not as toxic

I belive also due to me working and also she having a bf, there is more emotional availabillity. That is good generally speaking, usually I help all relationships that have a fundment of love, and not lust & desire. Like my friend who got married fking nasty confusion at times. and envy fking yikes. 

Also this positive energy stuff in the morning, I don't feel to well and I can't eat 90 apples per day to feel good, I am out for now completely... I'll add this also.... 
 

I find it difficult to calm down at times. 

Edited September 14, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I will still do shadow work here, and today is the weekend, as I still associated this place with more negativity besides this journal, because past did happen, it's a very good reminder. I noticed how toxic the mindframe I have towards Leo in general, and I noticed that associating this place only for Lust is better, this place is as loveless as you can possibly experience it, as the human emotion of love is ridiculed mostly, anything metaphysical is ridiculed subtely, only lust somehow counts. & The re-frame of desire. 

3-2-1 shadow work

It feels like there is a deep triggering to pain when I achieve more in life
It feels like there is a deep lustful desire not beign expressed at beign succesful and the pain and isolation and feelings of beign a looser to accept this
It feels like there are people who never experienced it to be a looser, and I never did personally, yet I somehow get put into this position even though everybody believes I am a winner, so only people who abuse vulnerabillity trigger me
It feels like people who abuse vulnerabillity trigger me,  ( I bet I do this to some extend to the Leo guy  ) 
It feels like there is a deep missconnection based on the notion that I remember a lot more emotionally than most people, hence some gaslighting etc. 
It feels like there is a huge fear of beign succesful due to the feeling of beign a looser for a time, and that I am unable to see this as overcoming period
It feels like there is a deep pain in interacting with others when I become succesful and that pain is growth?

We are keeping this very brief, as I did not have that much triggering stuff, it's mostly the practical pain and the schadenfreude associated with it instead of seeing it as katharsis. Bruh, I watched Hitler yesterday and felt more clean than anything it's somehow a deep terror cleansing in your body, and I don't know wtf was up with that, it was a documentary, I felt so whole as it was a vision etc. What are you showing me? You're seeing holism in order, that is fine, even if it's Hitler, you generally feel whole regardless as long as a place looks rich & whole you feel whole.

So you're telling me I can feel rich and whole, did you notice everytime people see you as a looser afterwards you feel rich & whole? Yes, I do notice this besides when they focus on this perfection part because of yeah mother = nothing is perfect denial of perfection itself had been bothering me for eons, now it's over. What now? Well.... you could start seeing that your love giving is not a looser thing to do, it's pure empathy, yet why do I still go away from logical people? Because they still confuse love with lust, like love/lust must mean = sex, to most of them they just associate it with that, and then tease, as it's a practical logical thing to do. Ah I see, great shadow we are keeping this short, you notice and I notice being here less is better, for me Leo lost vision about the logical and practical aspects of LIFE and not survival to face death, this is what I don't like facing death is an extrem notion in our culture, best only expressed in art and talked about in art. I don't vibe with it, I face death in smaller things, and here things are beign put into "HARDCORE" and sometimes just core is hardcore enough. Well, what gift are you sharing?

You solving problems sitting for hours mourning over solutions going after people, asking questions and becoming succesful, is you becoming a superior man & succesful, you notice how important this is and you feel the drain many white people have on you, when you see them beign white. So, notice that this logical and practical pain is them giving their best not to be white, and interacting with you for your vision. Oh I see, yet they are stupid at times also. Yeah I bet. I can only tell you be more egotistical like you have been, even be toxic if needed to be ultimately what dries you into this suicidal notion is that they don't care and are slugs of death so to speak. 

I notice I am the one feeling suicidal when I feel no one cares
I notice I am the one who feels more whole and rich beign egotistical in the black sense not the white sense
I notice that I am more succesful when I can overcome practical pain and enjoy the depths of it, even when I am a looser I feel richer and more whole
I am the one who feels more richer and whole beign a looser in idiots eyes who are toxic kids


That is it. Doing only shadow work, mostly and doing my best to get back to peak mental health. To many toxic people who are deny to much lust etc. I am not made for this forum. I am way to crazy most likely. I would currently rather date a pornstart and onlyfans girl than any girl on any dating app and survival bickering beasts, about vacation and holidays. Give me rest. 

Only art & true art helps. 

If I could describe to good part about actualized.org It would be this in music. With a lot of love ?.
 

 

Edited September 16, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I have a true issue with the toxicity and lashing out against toxic people it's one of my favorite things to do. I don't know why as it's just emotional manipulative logical and wannabe logical dominance, I don't like it, but it's there das Wort Überlegenheit would describe it well & put others down like these trash pua 's rich & poor alike. So fking hateful to see this. 

Also with the subtle level of corruption at times I feel like I could get a panic attack, as I am just so forced into overpreparement I fking hate it. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I have a true issue dealing with pain, and I just ruined the biggest opportunity in my life possibly, all of this shit that happend offline and even with actualized.org caused me massive issues I found no one to ask for help with, they don't comprehend and Leo is extremely fking slow in banning toxic people, everytime I log into the fking game I am playing a see a list of reports of who is toxic, the level of subtle ignorance the guy has in moderating this place makes it a horrible experience for those who are more earnest, and willing to take on the pain. 
This is the nasty type corruption I am also facing in my life nepotism and faovritism based on ethnicity and nationality. 

I forgot at times I am legit speaking to these people by typing comments etc. I don't enjoy how nihilistic this place can feel, it's at times a lot of non-meaningful connection and politics is an extremely bad topic. I dunno I found more solace listening to this, my life has been so fked and things turned out well... it sucks currently I wish still someone would point a gun to my head and make me go puff, gone. simply gone. People who I'd like to ask for help are unavailable, I wanted to get coaching from Leo so bad, yet gone. I dunno most of this stuff sucks at times. but it is what it is they all want me to lead fking alone and be one powerful blACK HUMAN

[ValiantSalvatore]

I dunno what ever to say anymore. I wish some information would've come sooner like that with the substance abuse, from my father as I did not know that I just thought he was addicted to nicotine. For me to even be this vulnerable is not easy & I don't like the vulnerable people I've meet over this site, it's been bothering me. 

Only one person from India who was extremely kind, who I talked to here. I just don't find the loss of strength easy, I just see how strongly the physical and the mental is connected, even with almost perfect nutrition, I dunno. Especially the intellectual sort of mental or knowlege type stress exercise was the best remedy. Yet now I am just sort of at a give up level. I don't know how to get out of it. It has become sort of a new hell. It's all extremely connected so I don't know how to entagnle this b.s / untangle or we.

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

When I go running my scar and my knee can hurt, where I am exhausted as fuck, and I sleep for like 10h. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

When I go into the gym I can make extra preperations and the trainers are not as good. I simply forgot to move to the university at times... and study there... I was so exhausted from all the train catching and uncertainity of work, at the beginning and false promises I made I knew I was going to break because they are stupid.... and not effectively compassionate.... and this can cost image etc. It's a bit annoying... yet I knew it .... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's not as bad, yet it hurts me personally. I don't like the fear-based job Marketing Panic I feel it left it's marks tremendously, they could be more neutral and nuanced about it. 

I don't feel like I can be at a peak anymore physically and I can just give that up entirely. I was so childish years ago, yet also so unsatisfied with my life choices even before. For me to not be in a very good environment from the get go was extremely difficult, if I would not be so sensetove to it I would not complain, yet for me. I still have difficulties enjoying the tech lifestyle as I feel like money and skill is everything fast shiny cars and control. 

I don't feel love and moving into this energy every morning I lost a lot of will to exist. I still have tons of positive news, yet tbh I was hoping for a better dating experience, yet I don't enjoy it anymore learning how unenjoyable most girls are, they are no better than this energy of they are no better. It's not as enjoyable how many only care about your survival paradigm and I don't find as much strength in the conscious option. 

I have a cool topic to work on at work. I just don't enjoy anymore the depth of tech without the deep stage red & going into that, beign cool and edgy. I don't judge it as much when lived highly conscious like some Keanu reeves style stuff. 

Yet what happened is simply beyond for me. I could have been the coolest cat at uni, yet now it's for me just hey hey hey I hope I don't pull a gun to my fling head. When I see how addicted I have become to all the stimulation to keep this depressing survival animal drive and energy of the whole country out. At uni it's not as bad, yet I don't go there at times. I still wish I would not exist at times even as a consciousness just gone. 

My sex drive is also super high and I used to channel this energy more into my heart space, take cold showers and deal more with the energetic quality of life. I knew this was the hard way, yet I learned so much doing this in China I never thought it would stop. 

I have so many fears because of German subtle perfectionist abusing dumb culture. I don't sit at my second desk at times as I fear making the floor bad and stuff like this. 

I don't like "quality" out of stupidity..... I don't fell well in terms of exercise and simply my issues with strength. For me personally O defied so many odds O whish someone would just kill me at times. 

Nobody gets these connections and I barely see any love outside only lust, and fuckery, fuck 10 girls at a rave good vibes. Passionately loved girl at a reggaeton good vibes. I seriously fked my life and I don't enjoy the rightous fuckness attitude of people it makes me want to end either their or my existence at one point and fking hate rightous people. Biggest liars I have seen. My mother also changed so much for the good it's so weird... 

Ich will momentan auch nichts mehr mit Deutschland zu tun haben dieses Land ist für mich eine kaltherzige Schlampe die wild von Hunden gebumst wurde. Sehr grob ausgedrückt die unkreative Dummheit und Arrogant Leute auf Verdienst und Besitztum zu versklaven ist so wiederlich. Die subtile Familienorientiertheit und Introvertiertheit macht ein Zusammenleben, ohne Planning fast unmöglich mit anderen. Niemand übernimmt vor allem junge Leute die Verantwortung über Deutschlands Vergangenheit, Hauptsache vergessen und verstecken, bei Familie jedoch Menschen einladen und Gastfreundschaft ist seit Corona gestorben. Wetter und Panik die einzigen Themen und der Erfolg zum Überleben. Es ist räudig? Wie sehr das sozial Leben von der extrovertierheit der Ausländer, als auch einigen wenigen Deutschen dann doch gilt, die introvertierte Gruppen bringen wenig soziale Erfüllung ggf. für den Deutschen mit Familie und Geschwister der nicht auf dem Dorf lebt... 

Es ist für mich schwierig als Amerikaner die soziale ignoranz von Orientierungslosen und Führungsschachen Nation zu sehen. Die deutschen wundern sich über Trump und hatten selbst Hitler? Warum? Angst und Scham. Selbes Spiel fast. Ich weiß nicht, ob ich jemals eine inspirierende deutsche Person gefunden habe die nicht Mathematiker oder intellektuell war. Diese ln Leuten fehlt es generell heute an einem kreativen Zeitgeist... vieles ist extrem stereotypisch in einem kollektiven Individualismus ausgedrückt, man erkennt jedes Gesprächsthema anhand dessen. ....

Versteht das jemand? Nein, sieht jemand die Verbindung?? Ggf. Ja.... es ist traurig für mich wie schwach dieses Land ist und die Welt. Es ist für mich neu dies so zu erkennen und ich mag es nicht, dass wenige Menschen meißt Auswanderer wirklich stärke bewiesen haben. Eigentlich alle sind sie Deutsch jedoch möchten wenige vor allem jüngere Menschen in Deutschland leben. Es ist okay, jedoch bei mehr teifgründigeren Fragen, keiner will hier richtig Leben.

Ansicht ist es schön hier ich vermisse die wärme von Deutschland/Europe als "Nation" und Inspirationen für ein bewusstes und friedvolles leben.... zu sehen das Menschen hier sind wo schwul sein die Todesstrafe in dem Land verhängt ist wie SAUDI-ARABIEN oder den extremen Nepotismus von Muslimen macht es unangenehm als schwarze Person da diese niemanden helfen. Wirklich niemanden außer sich selbst. Noch keine andere Erfahrung hierzu gemacht. 

Ich finde diese Leute noch schwächer als Deutsche da diese wenigstens zugeben können schwach zu sein und ich einfach mehr Liebe, Freiheit und Freundschaft selbst hier dann finde. Die Offenheit und Verletzlichkeit Deutschlands offen zu sein hat mir persönlich geholfen mehr Seelenfrieden zu finden wie Erfolg und harte Arbeit. Ich hoffe das "animal Deutschland" ausstirbt und etwas mehr Menschlichkeit entsteht. Rücksicht, Nachsicht Unterstützung, Cheerleading, positivity und Liebe...

I thought to myself today of the wisdom of the old and how often they thought iirc missing out to say to people that you love them more was one of the biggest regrets they had... I agree.... I wish I could tell my friends I love them more and hug them more the same goes for my family and even I partner if I had one... this gives me a lot of strength, yet beign open to all these strong emotions is also not easy... I know that I still love them deep inside me....

Even here... even if I decide to kill myself I still love most of you if you're not some compensating Andrew Tate fucker, yet deep down I feel so sorry for them... I love them also as they are so dumb to me I just feel sorry for them. Even dead my existence has more love and joy... anyway... I am gone... sleeping...

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also these fuck faces neither speak English nor German properly a few gifted individuals, yet how much effort it takes. 90% of people simply choose good as option and speak Less. Which is wise in a sense...