Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

This is good to know maybe I really was just to conscious besides the few "artsy" and exploreative "escapades" and "excesses" I don't smoke, I live healthy and I had&have great career options... the injury is the one thing holding back a lot of stuff, so I have to see and might engage is some stuff if a future girlfriend can't comprehend this then she is just not fit for anything and to rigid, when I consider the type of past and current science that girls generally speaking have, it's very different besides if you're a conservative liberal who has no options in this hedonistic area etc. 

I also notice there is way more joy in me starting in the morning.... my sort of "great morning routine" is not possible and my enviroment is not that beautiful... slowing down even more.... also how much I crave sex is excessive in this body, I dunno if this is black d.n.a for a bit of jokster shit, yet it's excessive & good it helps me to wake up and fall asleep etc. It's odd & still unused this bothers me the most also how exhausting and enegertic this is. 

Also with the planning & stuff I lived, very very conscious, very conscious and could've built on this.... the backlash was sort of.... having animals.... yet I also gained supporters.... not meeting enough with the supporters due to injury is just unfortunate....

Edited September 11, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I also had a weird dream running around in my old city, at some summer festival buying french fries at a weird shop, meeting some guy, I have dreams around this place often I dunno why, it's the center of the city. I meet a friend who invited me for cannabis and told me I invited him to a special party, where I remember another dream, all of these dreams were connected like some underground party dreams I sometimes have or very rarely even.

I did not recall, yet had a slight recall about this truth and accept his invite in the dream, even though I knew all of the logistics sort of, what also has been bothering me how many friends I had who grew up without a father, this is sort of unintentional, yet it bothered me how many that was in my direct friend circle even know, with divorce etc. Currently I count 5 ppl which is a lot and 2 their parents divorced, only 1 had a father in his family etc. Older friends very similar. 

2 had fathers present, were we did a lot one did not, it's odd seeing this & realizing this, had an impact in terms of immaturity about what work is and truely entails etc. 

Actually even more, 2 other friends from kindergarden even 3, it's insane man, I had no influence in this all due to culture and stage green & orange. 

It really sucked in a sort of way, the definition of toys does not exist to me, everything had to be shared etc. I dunno how to feel at times but empty due to this, I was also never showed anything cool & associated with men, everything was sort of yeah diminished to a non-objective, it's very odd. 

This is why exercise also felt so cathartic to me, I presume as I could dive into healthy masculinity, now that is mostly done through meditation. 

Edited September 11, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I'll head into the music shop to ask questions and get some insights around the guitar thing I found one, maybe they give me a discount or smth. in the shop & also some insight, yet I do this after the exam. I really would like to play some funk music, and also see if there is legit some potential, as my father played bass&drums and had a scholorship, I dunno also music is also simply very technical. 

Maybe they also have some used guitars. Last thing I can do to get closer to inner child stuff, I did this definitely more often then playing chess, as nobody in my family had interest in this. 

 

Edited September 11, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I dunno I don't feel like I fit in with society at times. Anyway ... I just don't enjoy the humanness at times of stuff.

Have status & money = most options + fame. It's not interesting to me, yet at times I have heavy fomo just that people do it. 

I would do better running game & never getting married I believe currently, I am for a relationship, yet I don't think I'll enjoy having kids without a strong social position be it I. Tech etc. So J can leverage social & leadership skills and sort of funnel this into having kids. While having plenty of free time... 

I just feel as though I am living a broken lifestyle & seeing lifestyles on Bumble/Tinder&co I dunno how you can get so much joy out of this social stuff. 

I seriously did no grind stuff out & I notice how I difficult it is for me to enjoy the social "game" without full health. I am not as ambitious anymore.

The best thing is mindfulness I notice for this, as I somehow get more ambitious doing this. I feel as though I comprehend more of what the grind is to me & how I did wrong. Intutively, yet the biggest flaw for me is how many opportunities I've missed and how good I could be, yet I simply don't do it. Why? 

Maybe I just still don't love myself enough... I often feel due to my nationalities & stuff. Interactions can just get odd & Germans are so bitter at times. 

I also struggle somehow finding German girls, I Date everything but them, as they secretly are purist type of people. Very rare for s1 to like mixed besides if you're a guy, yet I barely date German girls. Turkish, Chinese etc. They are so shy and materalistic it's close to racist and classist. 

I dunno I don't enjoy seeing German couples. Although in contrast to everything else it's better. I just don't know why my visions and inspirations never fully worked out even when I was very close to it. I keep myself distracted by pleasurable stuff & I don't have the social options to enjoy that as the pleasureable stuff. It costs me also so much energy as an introvert I really hoped for online-dating to work. 

For me a fundamental paradoxical issue is as soon as I have something I don't care and want it, when I don't have it I care and want it. 

I started to let go of this Idea & just focused on the underlying yearning and I am more content. For me it's just sort of bothersome that the meditation processed stoped, I think I became to conscious for my environment in my situation & I was heavily pulled down. Right, now I just find it heavy how much mindfulness as an accelerator to gain skills has been undermined here, and not properly put into some blue&orange context. Like how it's currently used. 

I just sort of have difficulties due to beign compassionate accepting how much manipulation etc. Goes into getting girls, if I start any TIER 2 process it's above their conception or they just can't do it or!! They respond, yet are not attracted as they can't be playful and me beign playful at Tier 1 triggers most white girls. I also don't intend this, yet I noticed my humour generally is not appreciated by people who don't enjoy dark stuff. 

I I also care less currently attracting an ex 100k model just shows me enough & how social & or online game is run by stuff. Confidence is most likely the only thing that for me outdoes money, status & fame. If you're confident and bold, that goes beyond any of this. Yet I miss this in my profile and demeanor I feel very deep & present when I did a deep meditation or very happy & joyous. Yet I don't feel this killer confidence I get from living on the edge. 

Best I can do for now is legit meditation & getting that edge through hard work on my vision. I also feel my vision is completely torn apart ever since the injury, again the death of my grandma was not as bad, yet that I got injured & then the death also. I lost most of my joy for life. I was so pissed that it had to be health... 

Right, now it's iffy building a vision and doing proper skill development while many girls at my age crave vacations etc. I did not have that luxury my family did not even have that much money and I afforded most of the stuff myself with some support how it still is now, I learned to enjoy myself mostly with entertainment & sports in contrast to vacations. This is also still a huge hurdle for me, more at a practical level emotionally idc as much anymore. As I travelled a lot in my 20's in contrast to many who go on vacation I had a completely different vision of life also due to my health being fit etc. I just don't know how to go about this. Corona also did me no favour....

I barely bitched about this, due to the America Trump stuff also & generally speaking ever since I meditated and did sports I was never sick like never. 

Right now I just sort of don't feel I can authentically express myself I also became toxic during these years of isolation & due to my mother beign a. Very bad conversational partner, especially about emotional issues. I barely had any support besides the psychologist and I had issues with her at the beginning due to this overexcitment and stimulation thingy paired with pragmatism. That was not a good combo. Yet, she did well going the more intuitive path with me & yes that is still beign successful be in nature do consciousness work & psychedelics & have a healthy social circle with more people. 

That is fundamentally it. I just feel as though I would prefer having more power so I could help people more, yet I dunno. I just wish at times I would have had a proper school or ubi experience most things were so 50/50 & broken on addition to this in my life. It was not fun, especially the old friendships were freaking toxic in contrast to what I have now. I'd really like to channel my passion into coding etc. Yet I get so angry also when I am passionate about stuff and perfectionistic. I just don't know and or can't tell. If I am still passionate about it this is why gym & reading was so good etc. 1 or 2 other hobbies. To show yeah there is passion in them etc.

I don't know how to go about the sexual stuff & awakening also due to injury I lost a lot of interest in conscious sex, it's more of dealing with animal nature somewhat and beign mindful, yet using it for awakening? I dunno I miss the depth that got lost & beign mindful in itself is quiet a task at times. Hm.... I just wish, really wish I would be fully healthy & I could do martial arts or ball sports. I find it tricky to engage with the more electronic hobbies as they are so fking expensive in contrast. My old hobbies saved me so much money....

I also notice more conscious synchronicities. When I meditate slightly the very whooper deep hit's sort of come more with 1h and through a longer time period. Anyway I was to convinced of myself and that I could do & achieve stuff through my own merit alone.... it's not like this having a large network is better. What I just miss is the insane professional drive I had with excellence it's there, yet it's not as intense anymore and other stuff etc etc. 

I dunno what type of girl fits me also as I changed values & beign truthful in a conscious way is more subtely earnest as honesty as it has such a dramatic social undertone, etc. Etc. 

My main issue is I could never fully explore my 20's hedonic side. I lived my 20's like I am 60 and lived my teens like I am20&30. It's so weird. I never lived age appropriate. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I feel a bit more mature about going after skill somehow today & after today seeing how enjoyable the grind is simply with coffee, tea & meditation and a bit of self-care it's quiet beautiful...

What bothers me is how social many sensationalist people can be without a direct goal or type of improvement. What I can say so far is....I could already most likely train to become a software architect....

I don't enjoy not having very good entertainment and due to injury a huge part of myself was taken away. I just don't know if music or gaming is an alternative. Coding definitely can work, yet I did better coding and working out, especially running...

I also don't enjoy driving to my hobbies for some reason, besides if some sports thing. Yet climbing for example I would not drive there etc. I miss also more the consciousness world exploration then vacation to keep up with the Joneses....I will not Date this girl I don't think she will fit. To toxic in any kind of relationship and I did to much work... in advance... convincing someone that old to change is to much waste of energy. It's to much survival for me, that I can't engage as much in anymore I don't enjoy as much anymore and I get cannabis now also legalized for entertainment & consciousness work.... well... I dunno I do better with art & nature lovers.... & more extroverted introverts like my psychologist a bit or others. Generally not people who crave going to stuff... I am way to specific.... & connection oriented etc. 

My throat also hurts... I don't really attract the girls that I want and most likely feel guilty for wanting them. Tbh in the ultimate sense I would not even want a gf or human just that depth of connection in Mr without having sex for xxxxx reasons, belittle others on a form to show how much sexual partners I have, social dominance 1, social dominance 2 socidla dominance 3 social dominance 4 .

Love 7.8 love 8.9 love 8.10 love 7/11. Connection8.4 anti-frustation8.9 stopping boredom 10_10 etc. Etc.

It bothers me as I get a lot of personal growth out of relationships my masculine essence works very differently and it's more like divide & conquer of creation, very brutal & subtle absolute silent and non-evasive and penetrative etc. This creates sort of a whole new me very often. Anyway I am sleeping now. I just feel like I miss out on beign social.and cooling with others due to the injury. I lost like 90% of my motivation. It's not good. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Wrote a brief report, journal did not properly update, multiple internal & external insights. Mostly about anger, food, and the love of making connections and connecting humans. There is a tremendous depth here, yet I notice forced connections feel shallow. It has to flow for a deep upswelling of pure conscionuess and innocence, somewhere deep down in it's kernel. 

Did 53 minutes: 
Observations:

• Expansion&Contraction paradigm was about desire
• Some synchrodestiny type of apperance where I feel fear, yet I engage often in the positive then when I journaled
• Somehow less pressure about career options & stuff where I had a massive fear of not making it
• Interconnectendess as a theme generally speaking again
• Less Samskahra type of activation
• Noticing the impact again of the music & my beliefs also
• World acts more consciously around me, especially animals I dunno why, yet it somehow is deeply connected to innocence often, also maybe I just never notice at times

Edited September 12, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Did a gratitude journal also & the intention release struggling a bit with the lifestyle part, yet when I see meditation as a lifestyle sort of & mindfulness things just flow a lot more, and I don't need to engage in control as much and have more power. 

The job marketing fear is one of the worst things I've witnessed.

Edited September 12, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Unsure how to feel about the exam, I prepared way to late and I don't like my life anymore. I just don't find as much joy in doing work... I don't feel I had a proper opp to. It's the most important exam in my life, yet I feel weathered?? From all the experiences even from Leo & this forum. I deleted Bumble now also, as I have a free weekly boost due to buying premium. I feel at times as though I never had an opportunity to life out my life purpose like every content consumed from Leo besides the book list was to much... 

For me in the last year's everything was just a bit to much.... I can't really speak to anyone anymore as my mother has a new boyfriend at her age and she just invests close to 0 in me and I should "understand". It's just for me unenjoyable how much energy human relations cost me. I really hoped for a gf with a healthy family as mine was so utterly distorted. I feel internally more happy, yet I don't enjoy the excessive strain it costs me to go after.my goals and feel this wear & tear without any love... all of it is self-generated.  

Also due to the university beign so Turkish it's not what I expected... I don't enjoy this family friendly vibe it kills me. & family orientation without health kills me more I'm a sense...

[ValiantSalvatore]

I don't enjoy how dead my family is. I just really don't feel like I can push my vision meditation was good, yet all of the pain tolerance I've built through exercise now to clean my Appartement etc. All reminds me personally of so many subtle traumas & shaming, I just could've been more intelligent, yet there are still so many subtle insecurities about this due to people just praising externals over and over again.

The same with my family as soon as I have more success they are on my dick & push etc. I would like to have different parents, yet it is what it is. I don't have anything anymore to look forward to family wise & creating my own with this injury and genetics seems like hell or half/hell. I dunno I just wish I would have found a loving relationship. Unsure what I can do I don't enjoy working alone all the time anymore, I am just unhappy that I even exist at times. I just don't enjoy merit culture when I barely can activate that drive. It's all so study, eat & sleep. I am just not used to this I don't feel like an adult and I don't think adults are adults more animals some less and some more. Some at work seem more human. Yet what I can say for sure is is that I don't enjoy how low my pay is. I don't enjoy that I am alone almost again with a.i. I don't enjoy how it's all again flexible. 

I don't know what to do about this. I can barely speak properly with anyone about this somehow everyone sort of just can accept their doing & skill etc. I just don't feel mentally healthy when I can't see anyone anymore more often & not the same people... I just wish at times someone would end me or so. I don't enjoy how little I can push myself without wearing myself out so much & how little my self-control is as I had not many friends who even liked academia it was all hey okay & world clash after world clash after world clash how much I accepted  was not fun anymore. I don't get as much joy out of survival anymore before it was not so bad, yet this is "white societies pride" the strength of the black men & complimenting that, hating that envying that etc. 

Now even that is gone. & with the new generation most stuff is equalized and most things just seem to be aesthetics. 

I dunno I just feel people can at times do whatever they want with me and all of the good stuff sort of happened to late, while then my mother enjoys her alone time and I don't like her. I fundamentally don't like her & I just can't talk to anyone in my family my grandma was the only one as she had.more.empathy than both my mother and my aunt. They are such whores in a sense and egotistical it's not fun, they never comprehended how little love they gave, just put a limit on most things and then act helpless I hate it. Anyway... some other stuff later....

[ValiantSalvatore]

Most of the momentum I've built went lost I never found a root solution to my problems and they just re-occured. Happy healthy and consistent friendships & family would just have been good, yet this is to much to ask 99,9% of people under 45-50 are internet addicted & entertainment addicted. Most company is given via some sort of electronic device barely human interaction besides the ones who are very healthy, yet it has become more of that. We don't meet to play poker even play soccer etc. Corona & all of this war b.s killed human relationships tremendously I don't feel as much joy , besides with coffee & meditation & showering... it's the best part of the day....

I also wish I would be white at times or just at a place where there are more black people sometimes I don't even go out, out of subtle fear of this sensationalist culture etc. & all the shit I get just for skin color. I focus mostly on the positive, yet I can't deny I feel left out and I don't vibe as much with black culture and or any culture that much. 

Posting again soon ish....

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am in bed finally, I just know that I don't enjoy and know how to enjoy a healthy work life I keep engaging in things that are not very prolific for my results. I can change environment a little bit tomorrow, to not be so tempted. I generally lost a lot of desire I had very high ambitions mostly gone through lack of exercise it was my core pillar the gym stuff ATM for sure it's good, yet it's not the same as the freedom & flexibility I've built. 

That is sort of the only thing I can think of that can work. I still subconsciously whish I could've been a pro gamer due to all the social benefits. Even when I solve these problems I fundamentally don't care as much, it's not my world it's just survival. I don't feel like my vision is what it truly was & is. It's just not there and the desire was so linked to physical exercise etc. & well-being my gym is designed for dopamine hits and endorphins maybe, yet not well-being. 

I don't know how to fix these issues if not by environment design. I don't know how to reward myself also, the gym was my reward now I don't care. I don't like watching TV/ Serieses solo. Only if it's extremely good. & friends are also watching & it's not to much bla bla. Going out and approaching could be good, yet the city I don't feel like I own it & all visions are close to 0. Dancing with skill in a club? Well no dancing, some of it is possible, I just don't find the joy anymore in it. It's so senseless. 

I'll still head to the gym, yet for home workouts etc. I don't know if I am not in some high balance position and highly motivated I don't do it. I find it also to exhausting at times. To push myself so hard & I don't like it that my vision does not include other humans as much, I also don't really enjoy the game of adulting, bigger car, house, better gf etc. Etc. Based on merit and or not. 

I dunno I wish I had a family that was a bit more academically inclined d& I would do better in my endeavours. For me life is not that anymore what it was. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

My desire to penetrate the world is gone mostly, I am to calm. I have more joy in highly social & career oriented places. It helps me more I feel more joy beign in this network and solving problems, the solo Ambition of yellow or orange is gone mostly. I can get in touch with it, yet I can't uphold it for very long anymore.

I have to get rid of some subtle notions due to watching Ralph Smart, I dunno smith is there that is nagging. I miss strong relationships and strong work ethic I mostly had neither or in my life never both. Also the social media game is lost for me due to fitness beign lost. It's often such a dark and murky type of place. It does not attract the right wanderer's.

I don't know due to all the extrem skepticism I at times don't think heathy. I feel as though life gave me a totally different experience as most and most people somehow leave me alone as they don't have the capacity for stuff. 

I would just like to stop this degeneracy of me at times, yet I notice how degenerate other humans can be, especially when I can't push myself as consciously with strength. I listen to David Deida & sleep. I really lost a lot of drive for stuff etc.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I changed the work station thing, the room feels like it has more space and I can clean up some stuff more effectively, that is fundamentally it. Listend to some new agey type stuff that I resonate with, due to how apparent that is in my life. Like higher vibes & synchrodestinty type stuff.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I thought about some stuff after todays meeting, especially with problem-solving, it's still a very odd place for me.... & I am at times not so good with green, as green as a subtle level of lazyness that is not good for me. 

All in all, my work is pretty good... surprsingly... & I am not giving 100% ... due to hypersensetivity & fear mostly. I also sort of have to constantly assert myself and be more in alignment with the critical stuff, especially with 9w1's they are a blessing and a curse to have, as they co-opt in subtle ways to stay in power and subtely blame and manipulate about past decisions as they have good memory, they are not very present focused, same goes for INFP's who I've meet who are not black somehow, anyhow and anyway... I have to be a bit careful due to the Andrew Tate happenings & 9w1's moralism and the type beign so prevalent in males and females imo here, about dating etc. They are subtely very backwards. Well.... & also the cleaning stuff and neuroticism, they often do they best to appear peaceful, while it's a lot of image, yet they are also correct in this way nowadys, generally they help to reflect. All I can say is, if I do my work excellently, I either work more, or they pay me more so I work more, as this is really really good, even a 4 year old can understand this, as I mulled these issues over and over again, I also seem to be good to entice people's creativity, this generally worked pretty well.... 

All in all I learned to manipulate.... I just barely use it, as it's so excessive and energy costly & influencing is just the more conscious path, I also feel good seeing women & girls, as I notice how dominante this has become in our working culture, and I sort of reflect more, as there is a subtle more perfectonistic drive for simplicity or holism, not both, yet one of these mostly. 

I am on the side of holism, mostly etc. They are inclusive terms also... what bothers me is that we can't have these meetings more often, as I feel good seeing people and talking to them... this is often the highlight of the day for me.... What I notice is how much fear is in me, and subtle other stuff, where I am just very emotional just due to knowing how Germans will subtely gaslight and manipulate, in my POV & even then I get paid for it, like wtf??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I don't know why some things also have to happen so late.....

What bothers me, is that I can't be a top level perfomer anymore due to my injury, I can just do it all internally it's insane in a sense & if I will stop caring about my physical apperance only fking cow, these people go crazy, like holy fking shit subtely. It's like if you're good looking and you're not taking care, it's like an affront to their creativity? I notice people also have more ideas??? It's odd. 

Edited September 13, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I could also stop even more to talk to my mother, as she subtely still immensely has this meritocracy drive, to leads to burn-out etc. She does not comprehend diversity & variety, even in business etc.

[ValiantSalvatore]

The new setup also feels better.... I will see what will happen.... I am super happy about it, yet this leaves more room to create living. 

I most likely change it more often also... I forgot how important enviromental design is for me, I would also most likely pay at least 10-100k+ for art knowing me....

I definitely had to much female influence, even when it comes to enviromental design. No order, no classification, just clean and feel full... which is good, yet the order side is missing at times imo...., especially male order no change, set place etc. etc. 

Edited September 13, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I also should stop listening to people generally speaking, it's mostly not good, and I know where to get the better solution 100% of the time, it's not even a joke anymore. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also again shifting values, having nature might be better than truth, it depends Truth burns me out, and the cultural notion of it is just not that good. I am speculating on this wisdom as a value was the best choice ever, due to not beign put in the expert field working in a higher cognitive order.

[ValiantSalvatore]

This was extremely good. To hear, how long I#ve been doing it to deal with girls/womans meritocracy shadow that is basically stage red tainted as orange. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I dunno how much this single motherhood thing haunts me, yet exercise broke all of these bonds and connections somehow, maybe that is more life affarming then having the desire to birth children to get love, it's so fking nasty subtely. 

Beign treated as a toy for love, as the person has none, and needs to get it from an object, most drug problems stem from this type of thing, lack of connections and love. Again... same thing with the model girl I presume...., yet hey how often I am right with this.... I dunno.

Most girls who are in a healthy realtionship have love & give love and do not take it and expect it from a man, and the run this merit bullshit & run into nature, like slave whipping demons. 

Edited September 13, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore