Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

Not sure what to make of this I can't even express what I all mean and would revise the whole thing.

Even for me learning and even beign "forced" to learn the English language while I am native, yet have not been thought that way is a deep emotional issue I have been healing for forever. 

What I don't like is how little joy I get out of skill development because of stage blue perfectionism and expert perfection thing. 

It's so much anger & frustration for me, I can't deal with this at times and loose it when others trigger me with their glee & spiteful attitude of testing as they are numb to their emotions??? 

Feeling nothing does not mean you gaslite people for your own amusement, I dunno. I feel fucked at times beign extremely kind and open-minded and seeing the toxicity of both sides the toxic ones, the good-hearted toxic ones and the rational deniers also.

I dunno if I would embrace beign masculine and conscious I would still have so much fling sex there is no time to have money & or make money it's obnoxious. Besides the alone time I crave to recharge. 

All of this purple & red Trance culture & Techno is also not really what it is about, yet it seems to give people some tribe. 

I just don't know, how to help myself properly anymore and some help as been seriously gaslighting as they might need more help then me. In a sense I am glad I have these thoughts about ending it when I see how disgusting society is and when I called the hotline once I thought ai would do it as the person was like my mother beign paid to be unable to listen, yet a good 9w1 I dunno what to say about this. 

It was odd as her son was also in Computer science and I bet he knew she was to stupid to do her job. The issue is my mother is the opposite and anger prone and denies this, this anger cycle numb anger ins my black family and lashing out anger in my white family is one of the most obnoxious things as the balance of it would already imply perfection? Expressing anger appropriately.... yeah.... how many would get offended by what I wrote and these are the people who call me snowflake? I highly doubt this is all hardcore gaslighting which exactly leads to this type of toxicity here not even fully expressed I would make most of this my personal pet for sexual pleasure even guys so they shut up with their toxicity. I would be doing cruel, as it takes so much maturity and wisdom to live consciousnessly I don't know what is more cruel.

Path 1 is certainly easier if I am serious about it.

I don't like 90% of humans they are exchangeable fuckable dolls and wild animals who deserve to be castrated as they are corrupt fking loosers who only compare themselves and their power level like 8 year olds in a video game. 

Then me who watches all this shit and is like *uhm... can we have a little bit of holism please?* 

You know what???? By all that I said silence is simply the answer there are no words to this, these *cough* pieces of shit deserve to be castrated beign thrown into ostracism in a time chamber and sent to the north Korean government where Andre Tate is forced to suck Kim jong UN's dick and report it to authorities for coping with their own insecurities about feminity.

Then I wonder why I get angry about my life as I was forced to live in a more "feminine" fashion I can't deal with the stupidity of solving problems alone I fking hate it, yet many price teamwork so much, yet barely incentives and strucutalized in Uni. It's all my energy and effort of mainting consistency with work and social commitments like sucking kin jong UN's cocktail & snorting cocaine and screaming yeah I am white and have no Ballsack!!! Look I can't provide value, I am healthy and my ass can't walk to a gym, so I smoke cigarettes and jerk off.

Imagine this was my peer group. The Fundamental issue of this is Ta-Da!!! Family not valuing education & Life-Long learning enough. I barely see anyone doing this if the family valued education seriously and has some sort of achievement or hobby.

Then again without this b.s who would give me my food at the grocery store?? I don't even look down on them, if you say so you are gaslighting this is just what I am seeing the only humans I look down upon are gaslighters and gleeful people, eventually senseless murder and wild animals. 

Yeah, I Just don't enjoy the patience of working longer on a projects when opportunities dwindle, for social fun and the consistency here.

I don't like it that I can't do sports and or music in a team/Orchester etc. All of this. If ai would sleep all would be good, yet I am so fked with this giftedness topic it's beyond me and I don't get any proper help for this. My family react toxic as I've built a subtle identity & identity/ego is bad to them!!!!?! They don't get it and will be in detail about it, yet what do I do??? The only ones that are okay with it are those who are not bothered by inequality??? How often I experienced this pain idgaf as long as it's not senseless arrogance it's so fking confusing just be smart and shut up!!!! Stop flaunting your eggs or sperm for elitist procreation. I dunno what else to think why you do this like c&c game similar but just toxic not edgy.

*Sigh* I don't know how to solve the university issue just after beign fked recently & giftedness also it's utterly unexpressed and takes a lot of energy and I panic at Tests due to racialism etc. & Just fear of unfair treatment that does not go away easily and I've just seen it recently. 

If you can't teach me these easy standards you fked up not me!!!!!!! I hated this so much, but your beautiful fking pussy watching changed your mind, Nr.1 reason I'd castrat you to stupid to be fooled by beauty.

Leading to stereotypical expressions.

Edited September 8, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Dunno what to say, I don't enjoy how actualized.org has been handled & the false informatio in the LP course, as well as the huge swing towards teaching this consciouness stuff no one besides maybe 10-20 people can even follow. With the other type of teachings I could at least consciously dive into personal issues, and seek proper help and have proper support. 

I still also think Leo is one of the most immature and projection oriented people I've meet subtely, I personally think this is also why he has these obsessions with Trump etc. as he feels guilty to a sense, and has the same kind of immaturity somewhere, of this kid type of power using, he barely interacts with anyone who keeps him in check in his personal life, due to the nature of the structure of actualized.org. 

It does not lead to proper expectations, especially considering my social life and work life I feel this guy has no idea how it is like today, due to just working on his own, and promoting this then, I feel a lot of guilt also in this area, as it's such bias towards a lot of what young people strive for when they are 16, yet I find now he has more maturity I wish he would have gone on his psychdelic trips when I was younger, I don't know who else to follow for me the self-help industry is dead, similar to hip-hop. Leo is one of the few no matter how much shit I say, who I can still learn and listen from, simply because of his individual pain and overcoming.

I just start to hate most humans when I see how they interact about success. My stomach turns my heart turns I don't enjoy it, even in spiritual circles my yoga class around the corner has 90% higher consciounesss people than here, including me. The immaturity of online-culture and even offline of most unhealthy people. Is immense imo and I barely find people where I feel secure due to the nature of the problems I am facing a psychotherapist that can deal with the stress that I am having would be good, the old one was the only one, yet I feel so limited by what is happening in my social life. 

Also sick people who have allergies are so annoying I can'T have an animal again, it's such a piss shit society of health in Germany these genetics are just ill, take it out of me!!!! I don't like it war ridden piece of shit country. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I have extrem issues with the juvenile dating culture, and "my approach" to maturity it all backfired not a single piece of shit is interested in living consciously, not a single one they use it for social leverage. White teeth called self-care. While whoring around and living only based on merit. 

I dunno I can't change my conditioning and I can't work with some people due to how they are structured and I would feel burnt how much clarity they need, and western values at times beign highly rational and anti-empathy oriented the more material the better. It's as simple as this. Confidence? Strength? etc. Who cares about this? All of my cravings due to conditiong are in the red/blue area and that has been hindred and tampered with due to my injury, it's just power and control and sexy fantasies at this level. Due to how barbaric Germans are this country barely is Green imo, it's just fear that makes them somewhat smart. Otherwise these people are blue&red often. 

I dunno what to do with my cravings due to how people treated me are also socially about a lot of domination, due to beign made fun of to doing things more "harmoniously" I don't even enjoy this word anymore. Yet, I dunno how to go about this. I feel I never had proper stage blue experience in my life and this is causing tremendous issues, I don't know how to solve. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

This music also just calmes me heavily, I dunno I wish I could live in a proper apparement with proper entertainment systems and upgrade it I don't like poverty university culture it's unenjoyable.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am just unsure what to think of society as a whole, especially due to everything "mature" is survival and materalism, for most want respect? Earn a lot of money and overcome obstacles etc. have a higher social position skill is the only point where it's somewhat fair..., yet I dunno I feel so fked in this area.

[ValiantSalvatore]

10k notions about things and new solutions, going to the gym in the morning is the only option when I only go 3x a week to get mental health and strength back to solve problems. 

I also struggle heavily with social media since I was 14 or so due to how heavily it is used to connect and be succesful in todays world. Not sure what to make out of this. Early morning gym will be good I could even do small cardio for fun. Best choice I made in years. One of the few things that keeps me sane, yet I don't like to see german turkish gym culture it's utterly uninspiring and it's one of the biggest lust and sex seeking intentions I have witnessed in my life. 

Yoga is a bit to much for me as an exercise thing, it's also to feminine a good mixture is mostly better for my health if all I see is girls I am just going to retreat due to how I grew up etc. To many girls and female influence is not good.  It's emotional toxicity to a nasty level and even the damage that men did to girls will be put into you. 

Edited September 9, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I also found new food to build better muscles etc.

[ValiantSalvatore]

This is also awesome, I find it difficult to connect at times to rock culture, yet this was music I heard in the car as a kid, definitely awesome to listen and connect to people who like this. I just feel so left out alone even within my own music taste I dunno. 

It's crazy to me how people generally have 0 taste, and just listen to fit in. 

Edited September 9, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Peace and end of war would be awesome...., so I don't get German fear based job marketing. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Listening to the gaslighting episode again, glad also to have a new friend who can actually help me and is interested in conscious activites etc. even early morning gym at 6.30pm how many pussies I've meet who are unwilling to do this, also it's insane to meet a person who is completely no gaslighting and manipulative, it's just sort of an avoidance of power and domination that sort of occures. 

It's odd it would be better to meet Leo & other more conscious people in person to get a better picture of the human. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I want a guitar and singing lessons to make a cranky Leo song, that would be the solution to me remdy, to make songs about people who hurt me and absolutely clown and gaslite them in a song as artistic expression, as nobody can blame you even in the subtles notion and it would be funny contemplation material. 

I could develop more material strength that way, also the gaslighting episode is exactly that most answers in terms of gaslightin comes down to having strength. 

I have a serious issue with skeptical scientific blamers and gaslighters and spiral dynamics blue type mechnical people. Asking for help with conscious people when you have serious issues is one of the best things or very stupid but true people like Enzo the PUA, he's so dumb it's irrelevant as that is truth and he is also freaking intelligent that is the issue. Also all of the current dating tricks I've seen it partially, this region is also oddly weird.

I found a guy who shoots pictures for playboy models etc. I could look up for something like this as a hobby even, to just fuck girls and be a proper asshole, and make them send me dirty feet pics or smth. I just dunno how to avoid gaslighting in a sense, especially with power hungry merit type girls who barely get a decent guy as they are extremely emotional manipulative in a sense & setting boundaries with some people. It's odd It has gotten better, yet creating boundaries, ignoring distancing and doing shadow work is one of the few things I can do.

The irony of my anger is also I had the fking correct solution in mind like 90% of the time it's an annoyance the boundaries I create a very healthy sometimes they are broken, and I get extremely angry with the other person etc. I dunno the old psychotherapist was very good, yet at times a bit to delusional in a way and fantastical it was odd. 

Especially creating physical boundaries mine have been broken so often by rampant in David Deida terms whooooooorrreeesss, who are unable to respect boundaries and emotional issues, it's like they are animalistic elephants trampling for their desires like trump and creating subtle tantrums and gaslighting others. Simple things in my childhood as my mother not closing the door, entering my room before knocking mishearing what I said even if she understood at times and acting uncontrolled etc. Then this american bitchy white priviledge undercurrent as an identity switch to dating a black men and learning english?? I don't know this is one of the nastiest triggers she did at times. It's like white american merit whore based on slavery it's sooo fking nasty, yet she does not comprehend how this feels. etc. 

The healthy side is of course she is humerous about some things, and can laugh about stereotypes she is not as bad, yet very adhd imo, can't sit still moves around keeps looking at me the whole time asks what is wrong when nothing is wrong, only to talk about herself and be this "caretake" and "healer" of emotional issues while beign absolutely traumatized herself etc. 

It's odd to create boundaries of hello & bye! This is love then in my family, some with my aunt as they are rampaging fking animals when confronted with some issue etc. I dunno.... I dislike it how much responsibility I take and I wish I could let go at times even at work, it's such a dipshit show of responsibility I could have it all again, due to just my fairness drive etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Basically I can create a mantra like I am untouchable and god, to solve this at the root, and I am offended by nothing etc. and work from this on out, most patterns are evoked by female type of emotional toxicity even in men, it's not that easy etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

What bothers me the most when I get more conscious, yet also enjoy the most is I get more dominance and power, it's so odd I dunno how to describe it, yet it seriously happens also that mindfulness and serious spiritual practice is a solution I forgot, this and somehow I was so jaded to listening to this, as often when I think about OH OH MY SOLTUION IS MEDITATION; ASK PEOPLE & PSYCHDELICS AND READING.

THEN I HIT REALTIY AND I AM LIKE YES WHO IS THE LUNE? YOU OR ME? MATERALIST ADDICTED COOK SUCKING POWER HUNGRY SLUT YOU ARE; YES YOU ARE GO SUCK SOME DICK YES YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Then, again yeah... I've been missleading myself immensely etc. The worst people are the ones who ride on your weaknesses and shits, when you are improving and giving yourself the best to improving a situation unsupportive power hungry twats, I loose it at times, that is my truth, I would not do this to a partner etc. yet at times I could seriously loose it, if I would not take a break and create deeper boundaries or inqiure these things etc. Anyway, this was very very good for my current situation etc.... I've been misleading myself immensely.... due to fear & invalidation experiences beyond believe etc. 

The new friends help me tremendously in contrast to the old b.s 

Edited September 9, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I like also healthy objective constructive feedback etc. that is missing it's such an ego inflation point for many to feel better about themselves omfg. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I stopped growing fast due to fat materalistis I have to sort of mone and gaslight others a bit and troll the a tiny bit & just take this etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I've been gaslighting myself about healthy routines a bit, let's see and hope that things will turn for the better.... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Not feeling to well about the German family thing. It often feels like all they care about is success and the big thing and subtely act racist and create false expectations I do well distancing myself from them.

Also they are so low IQ it's an odd gut feeling like they live only from their gut, food, family & time.

Edited September 9, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Post got somewhat lost thought about the gaslighting episode, I benefit more from people like Leo if they admitt more mistakes, yet he cares to much about his image, due to the more negative type of learning he did at the beginning if he positively names his flaws I feel a lot better and learn more etc. Posting after this later.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am going to not go out with the girl with the dog, as I was so lazy and I notice how there is this subtle guilt, which is just going to be more sort of journey into mental invulnerability, to realize where I feel guilt & I feel guilty with work at times, and the neighbour plays out patterns where I have massive fear and it's very subtle, most likely you'd believe I am paranoid, yet when I interact with these people I notice no no, they are fking paranoid, and subtely transmit this. So when ever I feel more conscious the rat sort of approaches. What helped me is to make a joke out of this, she is like the fattest praying mantis I've meet and I generaly currently stay away from overweight people due to how toxic they are and are not realizing this, especially with work & health. 

For me the bigger issue is the self-gaslighting when I turn more conscious, and to realize there are also more conscious pulls, yet Leo does at times more bad than good. This is sort of my observation currently. Due to the video game culture there are certain triggers. That I am not fully getting rid of, so I am doing a 3-2-1 process, yet I don't enjoy how superfifical my purpose is when I interact with "clowns" gut oriented food, feed time. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

3-2-1 process 

Neighbour & conscious, unconscious pull about work and fat people generally (theme)

It feels like there is a gaslighting pride that feels like fat guilt in a sense I dunno how to say and or explain this
It feels like there is a huge degeneracy unadmitted and shaming and judging others based on this
It feels like there is a strive for perfectionism, yet any inclination to be perfect in a sense it's all a lie begin fat, old and overweight and having 10000 allergies is the anti-thesis of health and it's bothering others, and you act like everything is okay, and your silence is bothering no one?
It feels like there is an undercurrent of hate against fat people because they are kind and friendly for survival and it reminds you overself
It feels like they enact selflesness in order to appear thin
It feels like they are in denial about their health condition and about how much they actually work and would shame and sort of pout manipulate like a 5 year old narccisit abusing the goodness of others
It feels like ther is this sharing of success and claiming your own as you want to control others, yet it has nothing to do with you
it feels like I am part of her image, because of my skin color and she just should shut the fuck up, also her family and this explains to my why jewish people are preffered when it comes to giving out appartements
It feels like they are animals disgusting animals
It feels like the only one conscious are the children living wild, they want to live wild, yet life like tamed animal adults prisoned
It feels like they are hidding their flaws and only create order to appear well, they don't do it intrinsically like my mother the image of what neighbour x thinks of me is more important


Alright this is enough to stay on topic, what are you showing me shadow? I am clearly showing you that you care about the image the neighbours have of you due to beign black, you feel a strong guilt as they are abusing it subtely in a sensationalist and image oriented way like disgusting normies do. You feel better now? Yes, yet they are just looking for cheap options with their b.s the only one normal seems to be the parents of the children the older ones are such fat deluded materalist orange assholes, they would not admitt this. It feels like online-dating seeing this.

Good observation, well you are still gaslighting yourself, the fundemental issue is you're not leading your own life enough to not care and see it all as a conscious pull, like you did when you were on point, you see this all even what Owen Cook says as "the truth" while the universe sort of just creates whatever state you're manifesting and acts as a best fit for eternity, you realize how deep that is in contrast to some crooker? You realize also how fast you had success with girls, by implementing the principles and not the techniques of what Leo & Owen teaches, & even that these techniques are a way to do things, you can learn if you really want to improve yes? Yet the subtle damage of this social discourse you're having and with beign triggered and not using it in the wu-wei, choiceless awareness fashion even if angry and pissed is missing bro, you were in beast mode so to speak under beast, you get this? 

So.... waiiiittttt.... we're in conscious mode and golden shadow now? You know how much I dislike it that there is this subtle nagging of mine, oh there is no research about this, Wilber recommends this and books and the original thinking factor is missing, we're going and moving so far away from what is actually happening, you've noticed this. You know what these other people are thinking of you? Often? Can you make it and they cherish you're success and the time you'd spent with them as you're more succesful and they could learn, humans are that way, yet you feel something different. YES! What is this what is so different? It is your own insecurity about success and how much work it takes, you would not even want to recommend it, and would just look for sort of coaching style improvement tipps, yet you notice the subtle ego in this, so you're sort of killing yourself with unneccessary thinking and qualms better used to solve real problems.

Yet, this is still improvement right? Yes, it still is, what botheres you at times, as that you can't implement the perspective of others, due to subtle doubts and upmanship and ego gratification of others, you notice the deep unconscious pull this creates and weasle your way out into a different direction of what is more conscious to solve this & it takes more effort right? Like this right now right? 

Yes, then what is your gift with the neighbour? You notice that conscious living entails dealing with unconscious people and you're sort of letting it get to you in your own navity and innocence at times, as you learn and do mistakes etc. You even love these type of character corrections, yet you miss the success fundamentally all of this shadows are there because you're not that close to the edge of success and it's like the entire world convulses, when you're close to there, simply as an emotional system thing, yet why shadow is it that way? 

Do you know why that is that way? The world sees success at times as asshole, it's like guys bitching about girls calling them bitches and girls assholing about guys calling them assholes, it's a double-standard one is guilted the other one is not, success is exactly that asshole and or bitch and everyone knows it, most deny in doing it just to appear good. It's an image limit. Well, what now? What can I do when others ride on my success and abundance vibes? Let it happen? What gift are you showing to me? No matter what type of human you are the asshole in you is that success drive, that bithc in you is that success and perfectonism drive, you're exactly that, and you know exactly what it takes to make objective X happen, just do it!! Do IT!!! evenwhen you waste others time etc. FKING DO IT!

I am the one gaslighting myself about success letting it out on my neighbour
I am the one caring about the image of my neighbourhood
I am the one beign paranoid of what my neighbour thinks of me
I amthe one who is not enacting his inner asshole & bitch to be succesful aka that black heart
I am the one who is not enacting hsi inner assshole AND OR bitch to be succesful
I am not the one who is enacting his inner asshole AND OR BITCH TO BE SUCCESFUL 
I AM THE ONE GUILT TRIPPING MYSELF ABOUT SUCCESS AND THE DEPTH THAT YOU CREATE HERE
I AM THE ONE BEIGN TO NICE ABOUT MY EXISTENCE
I am the one nagging about proccesses and quiet time 
I am the one not fully enacting my intuition and SAYING FUCK LEO & FUCK OWEN as a friendly and healthy new.york type of FUCK YOU, I do it and you shut up and benefit from it, like a stage red type of masculine compassion etc.
I am the one image limiting myself, instead of constant re-innovation. 
I am the one beign pulled down by unconscious people due to lacking skill in dealing with them consciously, notice how good you feel when you do this you LOVE IT TO HAVE CONSCIOUS CONTROL OF OTHERS; YES THIS IS POSSIBLE IN YOUR MIND YOU FEEL IT LIKE MERGING TWO INTENTIOSN INTO INFINITY:
I AM THE ONEE POUTING LIKE 5 year old to get my needs meet and act sick and I need help instead of working hard like a 5 year old KING !!!

Edited September 10, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore