Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

Sleeping now I hope the model replies, would be interested, I don't feel like I can invest these energies into these relationship at times, I just hope that things will become better with the exellence drive and completely shutting out any toxic influence and drive etc.

[ValiantSalvatore]

On my phone before sleeping I have a subtle major issue with keeping my word currently due to meeting to many subtely corrupt people, my new friends all have been pretty acceptant of this fact & even at work uncertainty level is so high. Nobody showed up today, and I worked alone on some stuff & had semi-wrong Intel. It's odd.

I currently notice that the drive to be excellent is sort of re-priorizized to wisdom, wisdom seems automatically to take a higher prio, due to injury. It's a bit annoying to say it that often, yet it's one of the most limiting factors to enjoy my life and even my life purpose. I would have never never could have seen this, only one possible instance etc. Etc. 

What I don't like currently is, that I notice being more social and making these plans is good, yet I knew why I went the hardcore route, the learning curve is so fast while it's steep. Going out with the naturals was a faster possibility getting laid due to them being socially recognized and "umgarnt" zu werden 

Sorry for changing languages, yet I'd do better finding a tier 2 person & naive green does not do me any good it's to regressive & there are only a few ones not as toxic.

I have currently 6 new friends in a year who'd I'd all invinite and mingle actually 7. It's all a bit more chill, yet it's good, no it's 8 including the game goat. That's quiet a lot. Many like to befriend me also, yet oh no 9, yet she is injured... which sucks enormously... 

I dunno my vision is not as strong anymore due to not being able to be as young and successful as I'd wish I'd been and living from wisdom can make me very existential & sexual cravings still with a young body are& can be enorm. I don't even crave girls that much, yet the drive for sex & "creative excellence" is just high. I lack energy for challenges, also due to not having the positive motivator of sex & Beauty in that sense. My internal motivations have been flipped totally, I barely value and knowledge/understanding anymore even though it was my top 3 value for the past 5-6 years. Connections & Wisdom, yet I craved so much expert knowledge... I somehow am naturally more attuned to wisdom.

I am also glad not socializing with nerds to much anymore, yet more healthy & normal topics. It had such a deep level of knowledge & repetitive questions.. it's not really sharing & connecting. 

Also the hard work gaslighting type of experience and glee in this, it's an odd pattern I don't enjoy as much anymore. Some things are simply to hard and I don't think as complex as times, also due to socialization bias & cultural bias I do this heavily to confirm, due to avoid conflict etc. Then I am also quiet critical it's odd to realize that I learned to be a problem solver.

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's odd realizing how much strength there is in wisdom. 

It's the only way I currently have to enjoy & get into any kind of traction, I somehow feel offended and repelled by girls who just chase survival value, it makes me see the world only as fuckable stuff & unfuckable stuff world. 

The more I embody wisdom I'd wonder who I'll attract. I've always loved wisdom I never notice that I can consider myself a wise human of many etc. I was so focused on knowle it's odd how superficial these games and people are, also there is a deep rational quality in me personally and with some Germans, who unfortunately do have toxic tendencies to cope with their societies economy often & misery. 

Right now I don't feel any excitement, due to some issues with shadow & popularity most likely as I was often the "Hans Dampf" in my classes I was just good at everything & I hated it my mother was lazy in terms of giving any plans/visions when I was 10-12, I had always to focus on deep intutiver qualities as this was the only thing she could talk about, as a shaming pragmatist. 

I know I don't speak well of her, it's mostly due to this. The point is I could never fully access this deep intuition as I''ve often felt fuck there was smith wrong. I was such a good goal keeper just right, yet I stopped training due to not having any joy and now I have the injury, I would have needed to quit. The point is I am also smart this gives a tremendous survival advantage even in sports. 

Otherwise I gaslit myself with work I feel, I had this deep intuitive drive, yet I had a lot of fear socializing due to being so different. Nobody liked what I liked. Hip-Hop? No, but if then German I did not like it. Video games during that time? Very nerdy only 1-2 friends through this I had. I was just popular as I am tall & black and did better than 90% of my classes while I did nothing, I never appreciated how I felt having to care emotionally about a single mother, it was so bothersome as I noticed the survival cravings it drove me partially ill to see this. It never felt fair in contrast to actual beauty. 

She also never noticed I cared emotionally subtely & I had to withdraw... The best times I had when I was alone with my cat as I could just dive into this pain & I escaped with a lot of cannabis due to the blueish ness of school. As soon as it was more green I was good, yet the networking was an issue. Right now I can just draw inferences from this, mostly that I never enjoyed working as I had nothing but video games to look forward to as I did not enjoy the social interactions at home. I often felt I had to fuck myself up, as my mother did not like my "true self" it was way to intense and she shamed instantly with my father & stuff like this. 

First thought I have in mind "what a whore" truth to this? Unfortunately yes. It's one of the lowest type of things you can do to your own children shaming them & denying it and I saw through all of it. All these body signals and cues I saw through all of it. She could not deal like many with this me being black thing and heavy self-amusement due to paradoxes and mental/cognitive pain & playing/teasing. 

It's a very pragmatic German meat doll in a sense. Very boring, but very practical. They all over focused on this. Instead of more intuition. I dunno, I find it tricky to deal with modern day society, online-dating would've been the easiest and most automated way to meet girls, a sexy body and a bit of subtle status. Progress is very slow in contrast to what I did before, I stopped now also almost for the 3 week due to simply different motivators I don't know how to enjoy the gym anymore it has been a trigger due to dumb masculinity & German Gym culture & culture itself being this Turkish thing I don't vibe well with & nobody in my family liked. As it's a very subtle form of lust domination & Tribe mentality in this. 

I like Turkish people etc I just don't enjoy how this type of cool kicks me out of culture, as it's one of the most dumbest if not the dumbest form of cool I have seen. Besides gun violence etc. I don't enjoy this type of attitude when I can't push myself more it'll be wise to ignore still & eventually even change gym.

It's not possible I might have to change countries etc. I appreciate a more intuitive global connection & not this stuff at times. I don't know wtf is happening & if I get into some b.s, many at work are different, yet the gym at times is a place full of apes.

Edited September 6, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Last thing I say is this... I hope I meet more people with integrity & maturity etc. It's good to meet more rational Germans who also have a deep male intuitive & are non-toxic. It's odd I also meet to many people who's family have death in them etc. 

I still have to figure out a way how to deal with this energy and discipline crisis, everything is okay, till I do to much of the wrong thing & then I have been shamed for this, as I was simply being a fool. Oh damn it's to late, it's not easy to put this into words. 

Right now it's good to build depth again, I hope I soon sit there again watching integral on the weekend thinking ? huh I did not improve in this aspect about my life & just seeing more holistic improvement, I am not buying any courses either the success stuff, I prefer Deepak currently & I don't vibe with teal working at orange somehow, yet really more holistically and narrow-minded like I am a dumb clutz, one goal that's it life very very simple and holistically, not complex hectic.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today for the first time I had a real incentive to exercise again, I never thought that I could to homework outs simply again all based on strength and I can report as the social benefit of fitness gave me a lot of positive upliftment in contrast to the more success oriented goal setting. So, I might announce a challenge and do it simply. For example 100 push-ups, 50 crunches & stuff like this and schedule 1h a day or so to simply chill & relax etc. 

I think this is better than doing full cardio currently & helps me to get out of my lazy rut, I could start only with 50 push-ups and do it all very very organically and slow, there will be 0 planning besides the schedule of it itself and building onwards, and not a deduced plan in advance like the gym. For some variety & potential more flexibility bursts etc. I still don't like people who don't exercise and claim they are healthy, besides if they have some impairment etc. or eat like extremely clean like Leo with veggie juice, this shit is so digustingly clean, I would love to be able  to schedule it like this and just feel pure health, there is a deep & ressonance with health & sports & life benefits, I could legit have modeled etc. I dunno. All from intuitive possibilities.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Did 30 push-ups for now, I just will randomly reward myself through this and not give and fucks about goals, there is a deep conscious & unconscious twist, I don't know how to deal with this for years, it feels like a massive breakthrough, yet I don't trust the people around me to have this. So I can only nudge, it's like they are afraid and pull me down the entire collective & crave it for themselves it's a very odd experience

[ValiantSalvatore]

Did a small workout & automatically cleaned my kitchen that was really good to realize I don't need the gym for gains & other more positive planning etc. & constructing in that sense. I forgot also to realize more that everything is consciouness & exercise helps me enormously to handle pain. Especially, training with my own body weight, teaches me a lot about myself. Did 70 push-ups total & some crunches, just feels good to be healthy and fall in love with health even in such small routines... 

Edited September 7, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

As a heads up, I will only mainly post out of emotional issues and pains here, and some stuff I am pondering about due to suffering, and gaining some mental health and joy, doing proper self-care. I am not going to say why and such, yet I will not post about any meditation sessions with music and stuff, to show I have done it as an accountability structure, I miss some stuff deeply especially deep & painful soltitude, somehow it is cleansing as an introvert...,yet not the depression isolation of socialisation in a sense. So this journal will mainly about pain, suffering, and evenutally some joy, as it's quiet convenient to type here, yet I might do the little extra etc... 

Right now, I am giving my best to get away from the subtle damage actualized.org did in a sense, it's normal I don't blame Leo in the ultimate sense, yet when I am pissed and just in ego lashing mode, it's not so good, I'd like to disconnet more from this forum & be more of a sage & saint like human in living etc. 

This is supposed to help me thinking and refine my meditation and consciouness process, it's a universal tool, I might write down insights out of my sessions etc. Yet, I will block a lot of people like a lot, it's disturbing for me how this blocks me from beign more conscious, some are less desiring etc. So I can sort of deal with that more easily etc, yet ultimately I am not looking to have an felt authentic stuff with anyone or even find like-minded people, I just enjoy seeing like-minded people & like-minded thoughts possibly & to fall back in love with growth etc. Yet growing more in wisdom, mostly & consciouness. 

I could also take more naps. 

Edited September 7, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I stopped this all for free, coaches are the biggest scams possible, every fking coach and wannabe coach I interacted with was a fraud to me at a deep level. Besides the one who do it for free & generally started providing from free. Sending out your best content for free, is one of the craziest things, maybe I got so good at pick-up in a sense due to meditation & trauma work, some of them were so traumatized with whom I interacted with they just project and play it out endlessly, I was basically on my way to be that 6 figure guy, yet with most of deeply held qualms & pains handled. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I could save this music for solo retreats & work stuff, it is utterly beautiful to enjoy this consciously... I also very much enjoy active silent meditation etc... It's been a while since I've done a solid practice like 3-4 years legit since the retreat almost due to depression etc. 

Deep & Clear Sound is also utterly cathartic.

Edited September 7, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

On my phone the girl did not reply, yet another one. Generally, it would be good to detach a bit from technology, yet I don't know how addicted I became and due to the online toxicity, how much I blocked myself from going after goals. 

I currently don't feel like I can enjoy conscious living due to very very subtle and sneaky pull that seems to heavy for me of survival from my surroundings, it was worse, yet the very end of it etc.... I am not good with these type of gaslighting compliments & dog type compliments of giving them to someone when they expect you to, I feel empty and manipulated then, also when people give you compliments when you don't want them out of manipulative reasons etc. 

I feel this pain deeply in my chest bone and it's like there is an evil pull towards this. I notice how being deeply conscious is very painful, very very painful to go about this and not quit. Smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol etc. Only to fill a void that is whole and becomes whole again even when it's unsettled? I felt today for the first time... a direct conscious connection to the outer world similar to my merging experience & the deep painful truth. I currently notice how painful it is to me get go after deep skill development & due to wanting it faster etc. I ran into troubles, yet I could have made it. I did to many things at once and I knew it and could not reduce it etc.

I quiet frankly still feel, the issue of skill it's better to focus on consciousness & wisdom as this is pragmatic for me, when I am drunk that is wisdom & consciousness, when I am talking to girls that is wisdom & consciousness. I never needed motivation, yet deep healing & connection towards consciounes, & deep healing also often comes in beauty & holism. 

I also don't know why so many Arab girls like me, it has to be partially because of D.N.A & historical connections, I'd wonder if Jewish girls would like me simply because of aesthetics & history?? I currently notice for me there is no type, all girls like me there is no preference of any sort, like Asian girl responds to me well etc. It is legit all. What I simply notice is I just vibe generally with girls who have a personality & character that as a pinch??? Of naturalness especially with connection to nature it makes me feel more whole and at ease & ironically provides a deep security I don't think any men can provide as holistically it's odd. 

Yeah... I was not as talkative due to triggers and I might tell all dates I need a lot of alone time to process stuff at times & also directlz state  my needs etc.

Right now I am just, glad when I wake up & soon ish get back into purr skill development out of fun & interest in depth, being able to build and getting some recognition this is ironically one of the most orange typical drives I have I crave sort of recognition for creative and excellent work, while at the same time I feel self-expression so deeply. I also feel a deeply wounded child that would have loved to experience more nuturing strength, like I do when I exercise & deeply can get in touch with the masculine a deep provision that just gives & let's go. 

I've never been a people pleaser really, it's ironically the people who do that and project it often, while I might act needy if I am critical to get my needs met at times. All I can say bout this... there is also a huge vanity & ego clash with being excellent and world class eittgive me my recognition and praise me as genius. 

Sometimes people subtely did this, which I dunno was good, yet it made me feel whole at times. I don't know what this spirit is,yet even now it's like a deep intuitive joy. I really struggled with pain a lot in a life of mine & the notion of misunderstood, which is victimhood immensely, yet it pained me how often I am right at times about the bigger things. Nobody often sees these connections due to survival and lust being a priority mostly. Yeah, I just currently don't enjoy any explicating to others and "enlightening" others I share so much freely, I hope people can use the good energy somehow. What I don't like currently is, how much I've been gaslighting myself & been gaslit by people due to a natural very high openness to love & empathy & innocence as a child, I never connected these notions, they seemed so painful and self-inflicted I did not see why you'd torture yourself with negative talk, blaming, lamenting about lamenting & calling this social.

It's one of the most bitter stuff possible I don't know why they did it so often. Anyway I am very sleepy gn8. 

Sending some love from the other end of this phone ♥️♥️

Also my birthstone apparently is pearl & some odd thing I can't even pronounce (imagining logic line)

[ValiantSalvatore]

I'll slowly move away from this .org & all people associated with this very deeply I am a deep introvert. I never wanted to join this place originally, I was just lurking. 

Deleted s1 I associated with this place it's a deeply painful notion & clearly shows the excess culture of America in a way. It's to much purple hogwash. I don't even enjoy it besides Roman gods etc. & Greeks... 

Edited September 7, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Did the first 54 min meditation in years, I notice the excess shadow culture of America of FOMO of fun with money & experiences that money bring and provide and showing it to the world as incentive, I don't think it's wrong, yet I don't enjoy the anti-holism deeply within this, even when you come from a holistic fully developed place, it's not what I am currently looking for. 

If I had the priviledge to meet lust desires so fast and intensely, I would go into this, yet this reminds me more of phonk music type of commercials, I dive into this percevied depth, yet it is not depth it's lust experience consciously, called depth. Which is true, yet again heavy domination cycle, it's not love. 

Clearly...

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also staying of social media channels generally speaking does a lot of good, just when there is to much survival news it feels good to watch some weird & funny stuff.

[ValiantSalvatore]

This includes actualized.org & to much excitement chasing even in music etc. Using it all a tad more conscious. Did intentions & gratitude journaling also, which is just fantastic. In stark contrast to posting here to get stage orange needs met, the observation of the need itself can extinguish the need, more deeply than the acting out and also deepening it. 

Still there is culture. What is wise about culture itself?

Edited September 8, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Work was odd today, I meditate once and I fix a problem just by working towards excellence a bit more... yeah.... yeah.... and tripple yeah..... 

Wrote a post that got lost, prime minister of india apparently does yoga? How all of this started with me ... conscious politics.... conscious decision making etc. It's all a little different idk what to say and do it's very contradictory. I just do the opposite of what is expected at times more hopefully & at best. 

Even the mistakes I make are more conscious. That's very odd to describe. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Don't feel to well with the excessive fitness culture globally & in online-Dating apps, then seeing fat disgusting neighbor so often and girls lying about weight etc.

I don't enjoy it to see her for one second the subcurrent of racist toxicity due to health is disgusting as fuck. 

I notice this everytime I act more healthy and this ant runs around in the house. I am sorry to type this, yet it's an annoying pattern to feel, due to the subtle abuse of my health, when I am conscious and took care of my health. 

I struggle with the subtle racist notions of such people and feel it. It's to big of a task to ask for and any healthy human does not evoke these patterns. She is also an extrem Manifestation of subtle gaslighting with innocence to keep and claim power & she would deny it. 

Radical honesty is also tricky as hell. I lived a bit I unhealthy today & I don't enjoy some stuff, especially the dating experience butchered due to injury. How many men simple get results due to taking care etc. 90% don't even do that. I am still massively jaded due to this and it takes a lot of joy from me, operation yes or no it does not change much. There are so many unique individual cases, so it does not matter as much. 

What I don't enjoy is how there barely are any men who are teaching masculinity and I can't provide it as much, as I internally have more of it. I just know it & feel it. Many guys I meet even if they claim they are masculine, especially here they don't have this (stronger balance) it often feels quiet nihilistic etc.

I don't enjoy how stuck I feel seeing fat landlord and children. The energy it takes to move to even find a place with new stuff, it would not be as bad. 

Model girl did not reply, I did not go into her interest as I feel so abused listening to people being gaslight by fuck assholes and n*word loving piss faces. There is only a few people I go by type where I feel listened to, and she was one of these, yet due to these subtelties I might f*ed it up and piss face would give advice when not asked for. 

The gym here is also not that healthy guys wise, it's a bunch of humans doing inner child things. It's okay, yet it barely is the same when black ppl are around. I notice this heavily, I miss there American sort of fitness maturity in contrast to German money copying of whatever America is doing. Few ones are real, most are not that systematic & interested in depth. 

I dunno out for now 

[ValiantSalvatore]

The worst issue is due to this German socialization and the experiences I had etc. I find it extremely difficult to find help, for emotional re-occuring issues, such as panic and fear of killing myself due to failure and it's such an extrem notion in me I might do it, simply because of how current society is structured and keeps marketing itself. 

I don't find any proper solace, due to to many broken promises, especially the very subtle ones, where I don't know who I can derive joy. I keep going for the ones I can for help and explain, yet it does not really help when I can't find a proper therapist to work on deeper issues, and it costs so much money to work on this, and the general issue I've had I don't know who to turn to and I don't deal well with pain as due to subtle constant pains and just the type of gaslighting associated with it in order to deal with it. 

I feel I barely had a proper chance at decent socialization in a more "normalized" scence, due to heavy comparision and status based interactions. I never enjoyed beign at the bottom, even when I never truely was, yet it bothered me to not be in a well-regarded procces, so to speak and have options for self-care. I just don't know anymore what to deeply work on when it comes to older fears, and issues especially IQ & beign black in Germany, the whole survival notion of science and the right-wing & liberterian stronghold of this, it does not help me & it does help me. It's not a solution, I just have no idea how to deal properly with hypersensetivity, and I don't enjoy the hogwash of therapists that can exist, not working on what is bothering me the most. The old one I fucked up I admitt the new one, was absolutely a time fking waste I find it so disgusting to pay her one fking cent, I hated it utterly to breath into my stomach and feel XYZ. I will not pay for breathing you're not functionally at any place where I would pay one cent. 

Also, especially the German marekting around this and setting the black girl/boy as cool cultural sphere etc. I just don't enjoy it even when people do their best, I just don't know why I keep sabotaging myself, I can't function properly without beign able to maintain healthy routines, and this has been an issue ever since, when I had emotional issues I had no one to go to, and no one takes it seriously. My old psychotherapist was so good, yet lacked the abillity to help. The other one was okay, to talk to it helped me, yet I would like someone I can resonate more with like the old one, I did not know all of this due to my mother keeping her fucking mouth shut, with all the issues I've been giving my best to overcome, I don't know at times if I can trust my memory, especially in the earlier phases, I did not fucking know. This German skeptical cyneccism and gaslighting was worse than any possible ghetto I've could have grown up from, I just don't know, I can't deal well with the pain of solving problems & the social sphere of this good boy life, and generally boyish feelings that are not stemming from some holism and then are abused for power and what fking ever.

I generally can't help myself much without proper exercise and in it's current form my knee and my scar can kill me, it's just not fun to have so much pain in breath, it's not enjoyable a fat girl as psychotherapist twat not understand this, if you've never opted for peak physical health you will not comprehend any of this. 

It's also often some very subtle detail, it's so painful I would quit an entire career out of it I don't see the benefit of doing it when someone can show it to me in 5 seconds and I understand it, I don't enjoy it. I don't know how to deal with this whole thing and I don't like socities marketing, I wish at times all humans would shut up. 

The point is I really need a gifted psychologist, my old one was so overburned and the other one was so fking dumb, I would've killed my existed beign next to something so utterly stupid, I am so fking sorry saying this, yet speaking consciously here does not do me any good. I don't like to subtely euphemise everything, and act consciously when the other one was no capacity to the same pain perception, if it would not be so severe then IDK. My nervous system is extremely sensetive, and sensory overload is also a thing that kills INFJ's and I gave my best to expand this. 

I just don't really know how to deal with this, I can do it and did all of it. I just don't know how to deal with unused giftedness it's one of the biggest issues I have faced. It makes it difficult for me to accept things and even when I accept them there are two ways, do nothing about it and accept it, do something about it or just accept it etc. etc. Using and here for TIER2 consciouness etc. Does not matter as much.

I also feel due to lack of proper parenting I can't enjoy work for university I feel like I have never been a proper experience of what that looks so much was subtely broken and a half half thing I don't know which triggers there are at times. I just don't like this good boy preperation anymore it makes me suicidal to life like this & be a "proper member of society" it burns me out, and I fking hate all of these subtle notions I would like to life also at a higher place, and not in a fking basement. My existence has been so stereotypical without much choice, I would literally end my life because of it, because humans are a pill of shit that deserve to be extinguished and yes I wrote this I've said this to others in person and no I don't incline to do it, yet it is what it is to me. I feel better saying it that you are all pieces of shit to me and that a family is a piece of shit. 

These happy notions etc. even with the best research it's so fking difficult to create this injured, I don't get much joy of leisure activites besides video games, due to my super serious attitude. I want this edge also at times, I just don't enjoy to many things and to many gaslighting type of experiences. IDK what to think. 

I feel gaslit by Leo and Actualized.org, because of this cynnaical attitude I wish I would never have followed this place still, yet people will not understand why not leave? Why are you not making billions & you have alien intelligence? It's not that simple, especially emotional issues and traumas, and I have extrem issues when I can't solve a problem & it seems simple due to beign made fun of and other stuff, I just don't know I have never been encouraged in these scenarios. 

I just don't know why I keep creating perfect scenarios and then sabotage it, I feel also so fking gaslit by the job market and marekting I dunno what to say anymore. I fking hate white culture at times, and their panic rational shit faces who are overweight and dressed in clothes like things I am not saying. 

The worst thing of all is, I know this is doable, with a bit of care taking, yet I still have the issue of I need help and I don't know where to find it besides with friends, which sucks tremendously. 

Talking to my mother what I have to tell her to communicate with me is so fking horrendous, she can't speak as she only gaslites and she does not understand she just fking inflicts pain to make "TRUTH" real, because that is her reality, due to whatever fking reason. I don't like it, I don't like it how I grew up and how I have to cope to exists and having it beign taken so often, without it beign my direct fault. Also beign emotional as a man, beign shamed for this subtely all of this all of this bullshit and drama I don't like to create and that is there etc. etc. etc. etc. 

I just stop here, I wish I could get proper help, yet it all just costs money and I feel my future has been fked by so many things I can't put it into words even the subtle hopes I had so much fear, idk what to say. 

I don't know how to solve these patterns besides starting early, and I don't enjoy dealing with positive socital reinforcement etc. I wish humans would generally just shut their mouth, I don't know if this is a male thing, yet I dunno it's just some social things I know I run into a burn out, due to me beign reckless and risk taking and negating so many stuff, I'll get isolated etc. It really all depends etc. 

I just wish I could have done some music and or some type of therapy that way that would help me endlessly more than anything else, even consdering the memed generational trauma, how much "terror" I experience and fuck faces make fun of it, it seriously is a deep seated hatred for glee. That I would like to express I dunno what to do quiet frankly with the materalism and money centric attitude I become such an arrogant narccist you would not fking believe it due to this if I would just embrace the toxicity etc. 

It's very painful & I don't really know what I can do, I did the mistake of having routines break due to subtelties, where I had control, people then generally wonder what is wrong, and I tell them and they still don't really comprehend. I don't think anyone besides my old psychotherapist gave me a feeling of feeling loved because of these issues etc. 

Also even then I sabotage myself so I don't know, without exercise and beign in some sports team I don't have proper contemplation tools I feel like & work etc. also having this dysfunctional family generally as emotional "Rückhalt" is absolutely not possible, they gaslite and say I blame while they blame etc. It's such a emotional shit house of fking whinery and lamenting subtely I hated every fking god damn uttering of this piss shit. 

I know why girls have been terrorized when I see how I grew up only with girls, it's so fking disgusting from a hardcore male perspective and the balance stuff, I just can't find a foothold with all the excessive bullshit and the excessive adapation of normalizy also. I just dunno music is really the only thing that helps me at times. Especially loosing my mind helps me.  I don't know why, yet it is that way. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am in bed, & sticking to my routine. Oh and watch the biggest pieces of shit I hate use this infor against me, if you are that and triggered day it welcome to your truth today. 

This is what I don't like about the value generally speaking, of "truth" everybody values "truth" honesty, yet it's all relative bullshit that is what I mean with shut up!!!

Silence feels very good, my mind is also quiet, yet my emotional body is so active it's heavy and exercise, especially HIT helped a lot to get in touch with this. Now, I dunno... 

I wish I just had a normal life experience of some sort, yet it never was that way. There are so many "extras" in my life. 

To give an example. I bought groceries today & saw an Islamic meeting thing. I am going to say what I say, my first thought was sort of paraphrasing my thinking. Oh watch how It will be about money & control and how hateful they seemed to me. It's very different in the original culture when I saw Minaretts in Egypt, yet his thing in Germany generally feels like 90% of the time like hatred, control and power as a subtle undercurrent & frankly not that just money. That is what I see there is nothing very deeply conscious about this and they are all from a Tier1 dynamic, all I would speak about would be. Islam, money, women, work is it any different no. The energy of how hateful it feels in contrast to the christian thing yes really really different. 

Like when I saw real Buddhists in China how much that had a deep cultural pull of all of these emotions so non was dominante was surprising to me. Glee, hatred, jealousy, anger, shame etc. All of it was present and the opposite of it. In the west we make everything beautiful, so it's like Christmas and then we talk about pain & suffering. 

I also feel the corruption here. I dunno I am not happy and I don't know if I can ever be happy again. I can't optimize it as well it takes a tremendous amount of discipline and energy and the excessive dating culture and Turkish b.s, I don't have cultural leverage it's 0% enjoyable I don't enjoy anything about it close to nothing besides with some more conscious people and girls just go after this style due to cultural influence, it evokes so much hate and control and desire it's such a nasty mixture it has been made well by younger generations etc. Still it's so unenjoyable when I ponder about dating and my experiences. 

These are all extras, I don't have a black community group that meet's as everything ancient has been fked and I can't properly retrace my family history due to Xxxxxxxx reasons. 

Talking to my black family is as close to bad as to my German ones, due to lack of availability and support, especially the needed. My friends give their best.

Therapy did not work, psychedelics do not work to solve this problem etc. Sure I might have not gone deep enough, yet I just don't enjoy living I dunno. I don't like it even when I feel good etc. I just don't like living at times, when I see how much fun others have and how immature, egotistical etc. Humans are.

These patterns all occured when I am stuck on a problem I have such tremendous anger for whatever reason and the more I stick with it and can accept it the faster I solve it, yet it's there. Anger, hatred and frustration were like the 3 key negative emotions within my family.

I just don't know due to the success pressure etc. And the lack of care family wise what to do with my drive to succeed and be the best/world class in something. I feel like I never got the chance and I had so much issues in gaslighting type scenarios about skill development etc. I get serious visions of violence and yes this is a 4 tendency in the enneagram. 

Ignoring human toxicity is the only thing that helped as 10 seconds later the human on average is in denial about it and won't change it. 

I don't enjoy how painful disappointments to me are it all feels so existential at times, I wish I could just work in a lab and study or so where I have access to a mentor I loose my mind due to so many different notions my peer group is practically non-existent they don't exist anymore by age etc. It's all just what do I like? What do I let in? 

I dislike the subtle gaslighting of orange science and it's should've known wisdom. I dislike it how toxic almost any endeavour is I've meet besides computer science...  mostly... in my personal experience.

I just don't enjoy it I can't really care to hold my word due to to many subtely disappointments if I would make a list it would be long & it all starts with the little things. Yes I do it to, I just don't know who even does. It's more of an act of tolerance and acceptance to me then anything. 

Without the deep exercises & schedule humans interactions don't feel as authentic anymore. I don't enjoy how my life is about work I could not build meaning in I never saw a black scientist in a move or series I believe and this is still a deep root in my heart so to speak I hate damaging others for no reason like they do. I dislike all of these unwise actions, no matter how toxic they all love you when you act with wisdom, as you're positive depth of acceptance & love & belonging no matter how dumb you are if you're wise people will love you and if you act wise people even the most toxic ones will cherish you. 

I just don't enjoy how I can't be my own role model anymore due to the integrity issue of my injury, it's not as enjoyable to be human and the subtle marketing issue of empathy I would love and I say and type this sick shit ones, to dometize some toxic German boy (a finger adult) and make him my personal pet. I don't think I would ever get bored. How ai experienced this culture and how sorry they felt I did not have a father. How racist they acted and order to cope with multiculturalism & envy. How fearful and perfectionist workaholics create subtle terrors about almost everything.

So much fking changed with my generation it's so surreal. 

I just don't enjoy seeing my fat neighbors I swear I don't know what I have with neighbors but I fking hate them. I accept I live with them, yet I hate them more than I love them as they are a concern. 

I don't know what to do about the current work ethic thing and order I don't enjoy the German way of living and I don't know if I'd end it. For me also Europe I dunno, yet Europeans are so uniquely stupid, ethnocentric twats at times??? Also sorry for the cursing I don't know exactly what each word means, yet it is how it is. 

Prostituting myself for beauty? Or making art?

Arting myself like prostitution or prostituting my art? 

I don't enjoy how little growth I experience due to lack of sensory pleasures that are very healthy like deep exercises and good food at times in moderation. I eat well, yet there is little joy.

I thought today about a garden office due to my sessihin like work nature I work often in big sets I find the pomodore not very prolific and 3-4h sessions are the most productive.

I lost all joy to this due to fking up my a-levels and the issue of isolation I felt when I took science classes it was not relatable to anyone outside of me so hence no meaning, very late on I realized there are "nerds", yet all the mockery made it difficult to relate to any of it, they did not even have any imagery that would help them besides if I wore glasses or what? 

I don't feel well if there are not one or two deep vibe connections, which are just not there really. I again did not take the necessary precautions and I miss all the early work due to how many fking girls wrote to me, oh no does not seem as spontaneous. 

Yeah, sure getting more resources is not as spontaneous as killing and fucking, yet my life purpose and vision was to much for you? Great...I had the backwards fear also here....

I barely received any appreciation for doing "my" work etc. It was all taken for a given, not a single reinforcement besides what Party XYZ believes. 

I don't feel well not feeling any freedom since 2018-2017 anymore as deeply as a possibility, I feel like many took me as a joke, while I had serious ambitions to make millions, even if I never did it. I just really yearned money??? Due to my black conditioning????

Tbh, it was all fun energy and & depth of journey J was searching, yet the lack of funds and poverty mindsets made it tricky for me to appreciate my more stage orange meritocracy drives, as it's shamed to death as it's not status & money etc. 

I don't feel that good, about success I enjoy deep friendships & parnerships more... nobody really comprehended this and nobody wanted to build a business as soon as 1 girl was there all ambition is channeled within the relationship, again besides with my bf. He geht's a lot out of relationships imo etc.

Right now it's just I fking hate white society and humans & it's still better than 100% of what is out there. I'd be dead living in China etc. With the social shame etc & how materalistic the country is. 

I dunno there is still some positive resonance. Tier 2 question what is the alternative? 

Move to Mexico and create your own sex cult? Sounds good! Definitely better than horeseshit cuckold society best fitting fits than you'd imaging only to say hey! That's normal. 

Build a real life with a girl and enjoy human interaction!!! Imagine how much I would have loved to be in that situation with extended family!!! But you know what??? They all don't give a shit & moved their asses to different countries as nobody likes piss Germany!!!! Yes, even my family/ aunt moves out of this country as she is not happy living here.

To many greedy fking observant pessimistic attitudes and "geizig" sorry my brain is mush from the food I ate today. 

Fking disgustingly arrogant folk Germans, the most arrogant shits without humour I've witnessed, deeply anti-social determined social space. Hi? How are you? What do you work as? Ah cool.

Only diversity breaks this cycle somehow someway. Still for me it's not diverse enough this place is filled with to many Turkish & w/e other people I don't like their culture and how fling close they stick to their tribe is immensely enjoyable, you have nothing from the other human and many enjoy their own tribe. I could never do this never ever. 

I barely know any Turkish people who are not like this and if they are not they are socially well integrated more than me in a sense. 

Making another post....

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

These are mostly my frustrations I face daily, I'd do well to move to a place with an active stream & sound of water. It helps me a lot to forget these things. 

I really don't enjoy the Turkish culture in Germany it's deeply animalistic cherished as God & oppressive also what to many is modern I just see my mother from the 60's having gone through this it's so surreal you'd not believe it. 

Black culture personally for me has created more hope in my life than anything fking else I have seen. Seeing many Turkish people I just don't enjoy it if "they" would just be more western and not southern it'll be good, yet it's not very enjoyable & oppressive and backwards like many southern places. 

Anything else? Consciousness & pain are two very interesting connections. I don't get it, yet in deep pain when I come out I learn a lot still, pain itself is not as bad, yet the untangling of the associated stories make it an adament process. 

Ever since all the hypocritical & subtle beauty aspects about diversity and culture, the look for similarity as connections and not differences also played a role I noticed. I don't like it & I don't like my life.

Cheesy white guy dates foreign chick.

Black guy fucks white women.

Asian men wants blond girlfriend or asian.

Mixed people being mixed.

Arab guy & Turkish guy wanting to fuck any foreign women and marry their own.

Latino maybe the only normal ones I dunno. 

I could do the reverse perception of mine, yet this is mostly ranting and what I see with my own to eyes.

White girl looking for provider with social resources and money, to keep up her dynasty of social connections.

Black girl being stranded at the ocean of survival craving luxuries & fun.

Asian girl being crazy and smart, looking to domestic their family to be in world.

Latino girl ??? - I barely know any & this is a shit show of generalisations, that I do find for example.

Portoguise girl beign the only one to date outside their nationality.

Spanish girls beign non-existent, yet a hot myth.

Italian girls dating for family & their appropriate level of hotness & desire for material world.

French girl beign french, possibly snob about intelligence and social position, deluded about passions and high standards and toxic.

Or very classic orientation.

I dunno, the bar is so high in europe culture due to family wealth and protection within that wealth & lack of strong individualism like in America, it's odd to me.

I mostly see German girls & Turkish/Arab girls in Dating apps, and the few mixed people. 

Sometimes Russian, polish & Ukraine etc. I get along with them more in person, it's a bit more human.... and not as sensorialy seeking and denying like Turkish cultures.... 

I had & have Turkish friends, yet all of these toxic subtle memes made the inner anger flame aware of their own toxicity with the right people I could make some serious racist but true memes. 

I don't enjoy university culture I definitely like work more. I don't enjoy how society itself is structured as an opportunity giver. 

I wish schooling would not exist. At work everything mostly seems fine, like in China or London etc. It's not as bad..., yet my own ambitions etc. Have been undermined by not getting needs meet subtle denial & gaslighting & the burden of extrem responsibility very young without Support that helped & barely any professional insights besides into the b.s I would legit have ended my existence for. It's such a subtle class based society due to all of this order without beauty & nature..... it has gotten better....still..... another post......