Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

Pitch-Perfect Day-3:

When I notice these systems I notice why I don't like it and why many young men, especially are more drawn even to video games. I wrote down this challenge physically and added some stuff, this has to get started in one-swoop otherwise this will not fully work & pan-out. The subtle scientism & stuff etc. & Human survival it's not that enjoyable & it's better to mingle with them. I am a bit confused, yet it is what it is. 

His leadership style it's so old school it's whack and just fosters social darwinism and power & skill notions in red&blue fashion it has nothing to do with empathy & creative work. It is all in all still fine, I simply should be wary and do my stuff & contemplate & reflect their and my behaviour. Due to the subtle types of micro-aggressions they tend to do & evoke for power reasons as well as energy moving in that direction, it's not good at all. I thought so many things qutting actualized.org etc. Even Leo would be a better leader, the issue is often peoples private life as this tells you more about their leadership than anything else. What is truely missing is a culture of empathy. Otherwise beign silent and playing to others perception of themselves & disambiguating power etc. Is the best move you can do. 

The issue is I am to truthful & direct etc. The point also about the 6'ish bias of Germans they will overfocus on strength, every white man in power will look at the strength of a black men no matter the color the hue of your skin besides besides if he is truely evolved. My boss imo is better, yet has less power & skill most likely. Overall I am to confrontational at times, when it comes to power & his can be good & or not. The point is proper socialization and meditation is very important. 

It's like I need a character overhaul every week, shadow work was so important the 3-2-1 process it got rid of so many problems. Let's hope for the best this is clearly also the better option for now. I sort of have to come to the paradoxical grip, even when I am the "slave" as they can't seem to be thinking very differently, I am the one controlling them, as they are depending on me, even when I am the pawn. I am the most valueable piece, as finding good pawns is extremely difficult etc. 

All in all it's better to be more political & playful with them, yet I will not tolerate abuse and subtely use power to turn things more into my favour & culture of empathy etc. 

Gratitude Journal:

I am grateful I am not a leader who dismisses empathy, yet is willing to learn and grow from empathy more
I am grateful that I say the things that nobody wants to say even if they are uncomfortable
I am grateful that I don't blindly follow the rules to be & become unhappy and a slave to someones else agenda
I am grateful I consume less internet self-help media & turst my gut and intuition more
I am grateful that I am finding more clarity, and how difficult it is to generate that. 

Celebratin complacency could be a shadow work topic. As well as intrinsic motivation with skill development has become and immense issue due to dating apps, I deleted all of them, besides 1. It was tired of it etc. That is fundamentally it, what I can reflect about is how positive our teamwork is & how much positivity & depth is so often related to knowing & not experiential depth. That is the tricky things with old geezers & I can also see why, they are also enacted thought patterns, notions etc. That are almost clearly autistic & cause more damage than good. Every metaphysical notion etc. Does not really apply in the real world, if it's not experienced consistently, even with bursts and nano-bursts etc. of it. It's extremely important the biggest pain I have is that I used & surrended myself with ppl even Leo does this immensely at times, like understanding others etc. Is victim language & victimization language, I am so glad Deepak Chopra got me out of this rut. & even saying I am guilty etc is better. I will replace this term also with empathy. It's such a power hungry laden wording I also have power cravings of especially dominating others to leave them speechless for eons forever basically, yet at times without this where is the fun? 

Current pain is consistency, glory & doing, positive power outlets & skill development the two are so closely related. etc. Feeling unheared!! Like is also a victim mindset, I did not know & feeling misunderstood. There are a lot of subtle mistakes. Developing empathy & directness like my psychologist a lot of girls have stronger leadership skills then men, yet they are not in power. It's so odd to say this and realize this etc. Anyway, I made a couple of things that could work in the long-run. 

Generally the idea is still to distance myself from Actualized.org more the level of subtle damage that went with here is close to 50/50 with the benefit, I had the most benefit still from the booklist alone. Not Leo's video some of it is very obvious & I get in such odd experiencial bouts, nobody often gives me a good answer and ppl think I am lazy, overcoming some of these negative notions is very important. 

What I was missing in my life was somebody that shows up etc. Meditating and setting intentions is good, yet my body at times definitely would benefit more from cardio, I get more life energy. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Was finally able to do some work, all in all what I am seeing is still not very enjoyable to me, and I sort of am not that happy anymore to enjoy the happy chasing of stuff.  I saw a young guy with the new tesla model I did not even know, yet it's sort of the same thing over and over again. I am a bit confused as ther again is not clarity and I am responsible which is not good for agendas generally speaking & I am so confused with this online-dating and more and more restriction and limits that are created with A.I & automation etc. I could also be overreacting, yet it's not fun when I see how enormously all of this trash is amplified I also have an issue with failure & some mindsets etc. I don't really know what I enjoy anymore and the opportunities & stuff and marketing of some girls and women all of this americanization is so fking bad, it's stage orange status drive fully implemented. About have's & have not's. Also to be subtely glorified as this emotionless beast is also not enjoyable. I am a bit tired of average culture, I am so glad there is techno also it just get's my mind of all of the social b.s about stauts & money that is so fking heavily glorified in every other fking music genre, the same goes for family & connection. 
I also don't know what to do with this expert boring drive etc. I ranted for like 1h to my mother about various things and saw this mertiocraty social cricle upgrade thing now, which is much about high status, I feel so weird & I don't have a developmental psychologist who can help me properly with stuff from my childhood etc. & some also this valorant viewership is insane with going up to 600k I wonder I never meet s1, yet this is certainly one shooter I can resonate more with. It feels like a better sport not as toxic as cs:go. Anyway, I definitely almost need my meditation and 3-2-1 shadow process to much can hurt me so much, I empower myself also so much that way. etc. 
I am also so glad for fking trance, edm etc. music so I can forget culture etc. 
It also reminds me more of the computer culture back in the day where all of the possibilties today seemed fantasy. This mix is also incredibly good. 

Generally this music is getting better and better.

This was imo missing in the lp course:

How to deal with the stress of skill development

ChatGPT

Dealing with the stress of skill development requires a combination of effective strategies and a positive mindset. Here are some steps to help you manage stress while developing new skills:

Set Realistic Goals: Start with clear and achievable goals. Break down your skill development into smaller, manageable milestones. This prevents feeling overwhelmed and helps you track your progress effectively.

Manage Your Time: Create a structured schedule that allocates time for skill development without neglecting other responsibilities. Prioritize your tasks and avoid overloading yourself with too many activities at once.

Practice Patience: Skill development takes time. Understand that progress might not be linear, and setbacks are a natural part of the learning process. Be patient with yourself and avoid comparing your progress to others'.

Focus on the Process: Shift your focus from the end result to the process of learning itself. Enjoy the journey of acquiring new knowledge and skills rather than fixating solely on the outcome.

Practice Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness techniques, such as meditation and deep breathing exercises, to manage stress and stay present. Mindfulness can help you remain focused on your skill development and reduce anxiety.

Break Tasks into Smaller Steps: Break down your skill development into smaller, manageable tasks. Completing these smaller steps will give you a sense of accomplishment and motivate you to keep going.

Celebrate Progress: Acknowledge and celebrate your achievements along the way. Rewarding yourself for reaching milestones can boost your motivation and reduce stress.

Seek Support: Don't hesitate to seek guidance from mentors, coaches, or experienced individuals in the field you're learning about. They can provide valuable insights, advice, and encouragement.

Stay Healthy: Maintain a balanced lifestyle by getting enough sleep, eating a nutritious diet, and engaging in regular physical activity. Physical well-being significantly impacts your ability to cope with stress.

Manage Perfectionism: Accept that you may not achieve perfection immediately. Striving for perfection can be counterproductive and increase stress. Focus on gradual improvement instead.

Embrace Failure as Learning: Mistakes and failures are inevitable when learning new skills. Instead of being discouraged, view them as opportunities to learn and grow. Analyze what went wrong and use it to refine your approach.

Take Breaks: Don't overwork yourself. Regular breaks help prevent burnout and improve your overall focus and productivity.

Stay Positive: Cultivate a positive mindset by focusing on the progress you've made rather than fixating on what you haven't accomplished yet. Positive self-talk can go a long way in managing stress.

Learn Stress Management Techniques: Practice stress management techniques like visualization, journaling, or engaging in hobbies you enjoy. These techniques can help you relax and refocus your mind.

Remember that skill development is a journey, not a destination. By applying these strategies and maintaining a positive attitude, you can effectively manage the stress that often accompanies the learning process.

What alternatives are there to goal setting to achieve your goals & results?

ChatGPT

While goal setting is a widely recognized approach to achieving results, there are alternative strategies that can also be effective, depending on your personal preferences and the nature of your goals. Here are some alternatives to traditional goal setting:

Systems-Based Approach: Instead of focusing solely on achieving specific goals, you can develop systems or processes that guide your actions consistently. The idea is to create daily habits and routines that align with your desired outcomes. This approach shifts the focus from the end result to the actions you take each day.

Habit Stacking: This involves attaching a new habit you want to develop to an existing habit. For example, if you want to read more, you could decide to read a chapter of a book after brushing your teeth every night. Habit stacking can help make the desired behavior more automatic.

Mindset Shifts: Rather than setting explicit goals, you can work on changing your mindset and perspective. This might involve focusing on personal growth, resilience, or adaptability. While not focused on specific outcomes, these shifts can lead to positive changes over time.

Experimentation and Exploration: Instead of setting rigid goals, you can approach your endeavors with a spirit of experimentation. Try different approaches, explore various paths, and learn from your experiences. This approach can lead to unexpected outcomes and personal growth.

Theme Setting: Instead of setting specific goals, you can choose a theme or overarching intention for a certain period of time. This theme guides your actions and decisions, without the pressure of achieving specific milestones.

Value-Based Living: Align your actions with your core values. This involves making choices that reflect what truly matters to you, rather than pursuing specific goals. Living according to your values can bring a sense of fulfillment and purpose.

Process Orientation: Focus on the process of engaging in an activity rather than the end result. This aligns with the concept of "flow," where you immerse yourself in an activity for its own sake, leading to intrinsic rewards.

Daily Intentions: Instead of setting long-term goals, you can set daily intentions. These are specific actions you want to prioritize each day, which collectively lead you toward your desired outcomes.

Adaptive Planning: Embrace flexibility by continuously adjusting your approach based on feedback and changing circumstances. This approach is particularly useful in dynamic and unpredictable environments.

Reflective Practice: Regularly reflect on your experiences, actions, and progress. This reflective process helps you learn from your successes and setbacks, leading to ongoing personal growth.

Remember, the effectiveness of these alternatives can vary depending on your personality, the type of goal you're pursuing, and the context in which you're operating. Some individuals may find a combination of these approaches works best. It's important to choose a strategy that resonates with you and supports your personal growth and development.

Even though the last part get's so much into the depth of it, I feel so fking bad for preaching his also subtely at work, yet many younger people love this more than fking goal results adolf fking 3w4 b.s man no fking love I don't know what to think and see anymore. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

What I've noticed is that theme-based living & setting is smith. I've been yearning to do instead of goals as this fits a lot with the subtle orange&blue, also being consistently at yellow and working with yellow type systems is quiet exhausting. The theme based skill development stuff & also practicing mindfulness was very important, also to adhere to mindfulness with equality can be tricky. Also the expert crunch and emotions like this I do better with process & theme types as I get very very toxic in this energy due to just knowing and following my intuition even if it is very monotone. I notice deep at a heart/gut lvl, yeah that was it this is where I belonged to. In Meditation I dissolve this crunch also and get to deeper roots & fears. Especially being black and the black community I don't enjoy it as much, I only like rap music & the pop culture stuff is imo a huge sellout & it's sometimes overharmonizef it's so bad. I also find it tricky ever since I've ever touched a consciousness state similar to ? how close the difference from & ? arrogance is, which is basically oranges class thinking and victimhood mentality. 

I really struggle with comparison mindset & I might not celebrate my own achievements as much, due to social media culture & the immense social pressure. I lost also the biggest hobby that took me of stress which was Ballsports... The alternatives are at times so feminine that is being offered I become very existential & nihilistic & adaptive planning etc. Might be a better solution, I just find it very difficult to embrace that I'll never can test & be at my peak. What I'll also have to dial back is masturbation society is so oversexed I can barely get my mind of sex at times. I thought how well I did goal wise when I cut back on this & huberman on porn other stuff etc.

Passion is also something I've only had for video games & coding eventually. I was also mostly passionate as this gave me a closer bond to my family and life. The time when I'd say I am feeling passion again the most is either during meditation randomly, a psychedelic trip, a deep inspirational video, & when I am running & doing a variety of exercises. Especially the notion of variety creates passion& enthusiasm. Enthusiasm is often also shared success.

I also have to sort of double down on excellence & process orientation I had a lot of fun with tracking etc. I am just disappointed that as an engineer I am not capable on working on the newer technology and the arrogance & subtle classim etc. That is involved in doing this and sort of the barbaric other technologies. 

The developmental damage sort of growing up without a father is still one of the most difficult things. I often feel I am somewhere else in terms of energy a way deeper & darker masculine place. As well as a more deeper and brighter masculine place. I keep listening to Deepak Chopra I can't find anything better that calms me down & gets me more into consciousness even when I am feeling like utter shit. 

The idea of being bitter bothers me also & the projections etc. Also just being introverted currently bothers me & a bunch of other stuff. I really thought back in the day I had an advantage with this , yet there are so many introverted people it shows me for me personally the issue of being black etc. As black rarely is seen as introverted etc. 

It's okay for now. I'll forget this & practice mindfulness & process orientation. I don't enjoy how many ppl seriously are workaholics

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's best to let the intentions be manifested by universal intelligence & to get in touch with the field of universal intelligence, also only practicing currently for 30 minutes is still better I still feel burnt from doing so much "work" when I see others having so many joys & playtools. Also the point about integrity and such and human dignity & worth sort of, has been an issue sort of in more advanced areas. The point is some of Leo's comments and remarks seriously hurt and left their emotional mark, where I found more joy, I am still sure due to the heavy posting of this political stuff. A lot of high level analysis is missing, for me this is important as I become distrustful when a guy has the need to consume so much conservative media, all my alarm bells are rining also for such long periods. It's almost like some sort of warfare.

There is a certain level of bitterness & hate in this type of watching and a yearning for stability that has nothing to do with right or left wing, this is very evident for me Arnold Schwarzenegger was the only true conservative I've seen where I'd say I can respect that with integrity, as he was working within gray zones still some of the man horseshit and imagery is just what it is. 

Gratitude Journal:

• I am grateful I keep listening to deepak chopra audibooks
• I am grateful for the more conscious and loving match instead of modern superficiality fake tits, fake ass, fake dopamine chasing, lust turned to love instead of love to lust, which is fine, yet it's a bit to much as it just shows you even in the political field social darwinism is just winning, if there would not be the left modern rationalists.
• I am grateful for not beign enticed to pursue political viewpoints and analysises & giving my best to integrate higher and lower dimensions
• I am grateful that my relationships all improved and that people seriously like me, even when I don't know at times what I am doing
• I am grateful for every meditation session and everyone who stops his bitching and moaning about meditative processes, because of impatience and ignorance and co-opts others process
• I am grateful to not interact with autistic people who seriously have a screw loose & with modern nihilists and edge boys, yet real humans with real problems searching for real solutions
• I am grateful my neighbour is more quiet around me

This is mostly it, in the audibook deepak also talked about letting go of grievances & to let go of them, I don't fully know how expressing them certainly helps to fully let go I'd have to set the intention daily & just let it all unravel all in all, I've been not nuturing my feminine side to much, it's also an issue sort of with the decadence culture currently & seeing true holism & doing this is really really difficult. 

This is mostly it, I'll write down an intention list & get to meditation relatively quickly. Also why I don't like so called "sane conservatives" is when I interacted with my father and he apparently liked some republicans as a black men, I see the sort of hideous process of survival & why I don't trust them & would prefer a leftist social darwinists who just dominates politics, conservatives even the FDP and moderates can be a potential issue here are times as more modern issue. All in all it's better to stop caring much about politics it ruined a lot of relationships, evokes jealousy, anger etc. & beign informed and voting is the best you can do, I lost all of my interest to it, due to the heavy power games and I recently talked to a politican. It's fine with certain parties, yet in America I would just live my life & watch the crayzness at times. etc. 

I'll certainly let go of some of the grievances I have in regards to Leo & Actualized.org, as a daily intention the guy at times behaves like my father with an extreme level of inconsistency I don't respect and that left it's marks very subtle lies and sneaky promises and such, without any amends etc. My mother really was good to me, yet ChatGPT could have been there earlier. Theme-setting & reflective practices did the most, I don't find Leo for example is a very reflective person, in terms of his character & personality it's a steady chasing currently of lust&depth, when the guy was more in nature there was a more mellow maturism & subtle joy. Now it's odd, I notice this also with older men, if they forget nature a bit to much they become delusional and krank. Yes, this is krank. 

Listening to birds at the coffee table is already good, I certainly have to inch my way back, I could also make a list of positive qualities of Leo & treat him like I treat all people & usually overfocus on the positive qualities. As the negative can be quiet prevalent to me, due to genetics & culturally. I could make even a list of 100 qualities so fast it's crazy, I make a list of 15 to imprint it a little.

Positive Qualities about Leo

• Unfound depth in quality of analysis
• Deep compassionate character
• Creative spirit and inspirational drive
• Guy who pushes himself to the limit & is not weak
• Does not deny his feminine-side and also shows his darker qualities
• Guy who works on himself & is not complacent
• Certainy level of fariness on how he treats and seems to treat others
• Gives his best to be a loyal and integrous friend, lover etc.
• Setups up boundaries
• Generally is ambitious and brings in a certain level of enthusiasm and conscious drive
• Spiritually inclined
• Not demonizing psychdelics
• Good music taste generally speaking that is rare of me to say!
• Gives his best to inspire the youth
• Generally very patient character and forgiving

Yeah 15 qualities 100 would be a bit to much, yet this would definitely be things I see as positive in him. To list 5 negatives to have the positive 3:1 ratio.

• Lacks empathy at times
• Seems not capeable to adjust to others needs at times and seems oblivious to this
• Not the best listener and moans about this from others (I presume this)
• Arrogant at times and confused about what to do with this
• Sometimes tolerating trolls and negativity to much, a lot of the good qualities would be there more if he'd get rid of such negative & I mean seriously negative people like the one he recently banned with dark haired curls dude

This is it. To get to this pitch-perfect thingy, a few things are missing, I know them so I will not write them down it just takes some time etc. 

Also to write down my intentions without ego helps me to manifest this faster even if they seem egoic etc. I completely forgot this. 

 

Edited August 26, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's interesting to contemplate passion & enthusiasm & status. Especially, not making that much money and loving tech, I at times wonder, why I loved meditation all of this stuff, as it's free. Yet, I personally faced such hard problems. It's not easy to enjoy this meditation & stuff definitely could work better. 

It's really good to reflect others work ethic, I've always dreamed to be sort of a multi-skilled "hans-dampf" sort of... and there are people like this, yet it's so rare. 

Edited August 26, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I again briefly listend to this & it's true, the issue of raw pleasure is immense to me. Due to injury my little jog for my pb and stuff like this, I can still do it. The point is I notice the injury directly and running on asphalte is just bad. It's such a risky endeavour as no doctor can give you any clarity, the best things that help is nutrition and the right walking technique and shoes, yet tbh today is such a good weather. I'll go for a little run. To see how my knee is. 

This is the best thing I can do, I also don't tolerate some jokes, as most "healthy people" are literally loosers in my eyes. As they never physicalled pushed themselves in strength & endurance. 

https://versusarthritis.org/news/2022/july/running-with-arthritis-tips-on-getting-started-and-ways-to-avoid-injury/

Yet, what I've been doing is apparently again... excellent, I just miss the follow through often & even with my current routine I crave going for runs etc. I miss all of this extremely healthy exellence drives. I also never hate on the skinny kid who runs and climbs moutains, yet has 0 strength. There is so much strength in endurance etc. It's immense. Also to go running 2-3 times a week will keep me more healthy and functional. Also turning my camera on while studying and stuff like this. How good and productive I feel after a run is also immense. Also this is a time where I meditate as much as possible or think about problems also. 

This also helps me immensely with the meritocracy drive and exellence drive. I feel also so fking confident after this & I can spot trends better within my meditation practice where depth is leading me. 

Hopefully, hopefully I find the level of depth where people start distracting me again, yet for now. Also cleaning my room for beauty & not clarity is so fking important some of these subtle value implants have not been the best etc. 

Edited August 26, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I hope this way I find back to proper depth some of the new episodes of Leo are freaking excellent, it's just extremely difficult if you don't have a lifestyle that enables you to meet stimulating people to appreciate stuff. I give my best to be stimulating to others, I also immensely hold back on stuff, yet I notice if I do this. I'll be happier & healthier. I could take more pride in beign consistent. 

Generally to write down synchronicities also like.

Seeing and interacting with more women dog owners, who'd prefer it that the man takes control, I get slightly triggered when I see this due to family implants of control etc. Also getting more in touch with my 6w5 pure german nature due to the deconstructing of personality I become more human and like other ennea types stuff like this, I've been becoming more 6'ish of the good side since I did the shadow work. 

I'll make the briefst shadow work session now also:

3-2-1

It's bothering me that I am so inconsistent in pursing awesome themes and goals even if there is an inherent enthusiasm
I am immensely triggered by meritocracy girls as the male drive feels like my own drive and back in the day this connected me to more powerful girls
I am triggered by the ignorance of having it and doing it and beign it
I am triggered by young people and their energy
I am triggered by the felt betryal of others

So shadow alright here we go again, why these journals most likely rose to their fame as nobody puts out their lunacy this honestly, yet this is the level of green cringe got you into, but propelled you towards a better integration of holism and healing, till you meet the dry yellow feelings. Bro are you making references? You know I am triggered that you don't label and classify here anything, oh and I found you another trigger be thankful you little gaslighter, wait okay chill. I am triggered because I've been interacting with a guy who seems a bit stupid and he identified with you, yet also highly intelligent people identify with you, so what do you make out of this? It's the innocence and beauty that triggers you as this shows no boundaries? 

Yes, that is correct this is clearly what triggers me also the anti-personal growth stance and generally speaking the issue of the breathing thingy it's to exhaustive for me, I get into weird kriya type phenomenone due to the heavy lusting, power & desire cravings that are there. Well, what do we do about this? This is not a trigger more a golden shadow of energy? You notice this, how much energy you have to work on problems like 3-4h without any interruption and breaks, besides if you're truely making progress to reward yourself so you keep going? Well.... brief shadow work session when I did not do it for 3-4 months this way, sigh... I notice the effects already. 

Last paragraph, what are you showing me? What are you revealing to me about my personality? You love to show up and to be seen, not even to show up you fking hate showing up, yet you love to be seen, I know you've never enjoyed the criticism, as you've most likely since birth had to face immense physical pain that others did not have to that you thought your live is literally hell, yet it's fine. There is a subtle panic in feedback and failure and the fear of failure that is a bit of deeper shadow and the pride of self-thearpy and control. You love to control things and feel in control and confidence, this is also a healthy part of self-determination in a sense, I can't recally that quickly the other things. You are also afraid of the existential depth of A.I & what happens to your surroundings when people are old & fragile they are not ready anymore of this depth they turn a bit crazy and luny. Why does this happen can you explain shadow????

They are seeking salvation bro, you now how heavy it is installed into their brain that salvation is truth due to christian culture? & How atheism and agnosticism is just another form of barbarism at times? Yet, what am I not integrating? I am doing something for them on a consciouness spectrum & they for me, it's like a very painful exchange of consistency, yet then I start hating myself with this rigidity of order & truth.

Well, you certainly get triggered by this and it might be a sign you're going to fast if you still have material desires. Enjoy them! This is the sign that you're missing enjoy your materalistic live, objects exist have fun with them humans exist have fun with them etc. Beign with these things is vital!

I am the one who is not enjoying his materalistic live enough
I am the one who denies that my consciouness practice has an impact on others and on me again
I am the one who is triggered by to much innocence and beauty, as this evokes a lot of feelings of sex and connection
I am the one who acts like some salvation luncatic at times 
I am the one who realizes how dangerous spirituality is due to fakeness etc. & why materalistis enjoy materalism
I am the one who is materalistic 

This is it for now. There are other ends, yet this gives me enough depth to tailor my life more like an author etc.  I am also sorry what I wrote about black girls generally speaking, yet the romantic domain with materalism and domination of black physical prowess is a constant issue at times even at work. To put on the enneagram lense and do shadow work is more efficient. I also don't really have family like this, so yeah... it's mega different & reminds me a lot of sort of pain&abundance cycles. I don't enjoy the energy at times, I am way to mellow in contrast & subtle. 

Edited August 26, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Taking the 3k run will post afterwards, definitely need the refresher in that sense to think about my life. Let's see if 7 months of strength training did something I skipped the gym maximally twice for a full week... This week and sometime I bet also. I have a serious issue with the scientism and mechanism to gain the approval of the "higher ups". Also to deconstruct this, and then still Leo's claims without any full proof imo, of having any state still the research and area of this is all to interesting, the biggest flaw I'd say these people have is they have a very weak body. & I know how to crank up sensitivity due to beign hsp. Also one other thing, I also have to charge my phone, also having more mature fun is not that easy. When a lot of it is moved, and at times I don't enjoy the low social and moral development of software-engineers it makes a true difference & often the founding fathers sort of have simply the higher development then some agents. 

What I don't enjoy is also the white asian bias, it pains me and I develop hatred. I also don't have that level of kink at these stages and I hoped psychdelics truely would be the game changer in that area, yet skill development with psychdelics is a huge challenge. To be honest I don't enjoy these services. I don't enjoy what humans are building, I would have been better of beign an architect for buildings and interior design and stuff like this, yet I was so bad at arts classes, coding is sort of the only thing I ever found that resonated with me. I don't enjoy the "truth" or bitter "truth" about my company even if it's one of the top companies in the world, and it craves me to sort of become more of an entertainer. 

I don't like these socializing asshole meritocracy squeezers, and I see also why some ppl moved from baveria to my old state etc. As this must be pretty prevalent when you abuse the idea of strenght etc. I might also be to biased, due to not beign as well acomplished & skilled & the subtle level of social b.s & stigms etc. 

Edited August 26, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I also find it tricky to be this mature adult who just lives to work, I know why I enjoy sports so much, as it really keeps me mind of all the b.s & it's generally very good for my relationships. Also the subtle beauty racism of other cultures and the subtle effort you'd have to expend is simply tricky if things to happen truely organically. 

I find it frankly hard to say I don't enjoy my existence, as I don't enjoy human existence, it also pains me to notice meditation is not enough, and also I find it tricky to quit all of this, to pursue my life even deeper. The point is the claims Leo is making are an issue an. It's also the same claims over and over. It's so boring to witness & Leo even dispelled that notion & still there is the issue with attainments, if you seriously would ask Leo if he has attainments you will not get an answer. This is the fundamental issue I have with him & his psychdelics as it's one of the most hypocritical stances of actualized.org, yet he can weasel his way out with guru bias. They are still massively effective, yet there are so many other issues with this. & The solution is mostly meditation it's been bothering me and I have issue quitting this etc. I also find more answers at integral. 

Also the issue of arrgoance, is immense. This causes me to much trouble in real life. I also would do better I feel if I would be more of a public persona etc. Also beign very intellecutal I don't know if this is my strong suit, or if I am kidding myself, yet it is what it is. My phone is still charging so yeah. 

Also all the new research is pointing to the power of psychdelics, yet I have an issue with pursuing depth intellectually and not beign an on the edge arrogant shit c*nt, so to speak. Yet beign edgy is fine... hm.... Leo also matured a lot, in this area. I find it so difficult to find & be a role model. I am also super self-critical, yet still there are paralells. What bothers me is simply the issue of sexual connection & depth of sexual connection based on authentic desire & not digitally polluted edgy pixel perfect A.I 64 bit edgelord graphics like.... I dunno at times. 

All I can say is this, when I visualize the depth I feel better ahh also from my notes....

My intentions lol!

• The motivation and just be a cool dangerous guy and eventual get around DMT, when you have a working students thingy

How beautiful that taste of NN-DMT was, like how much you're shamed subtely on a daily basis just to look at a plant for a few minutes man.... this is also why I enjoyed the elderly they experience nature also so differently.

Edited August 26, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

The issue is, I'd like to combine psychdelics, consciouness & A.I etc. For me this is also a FOMO thing and not connecting to a friend deep enough etc. I also often experience only depth in groups, I don't enjoy the coding that much as I don't regard these humans as conscious really, the only thing that makes them more "conscious" is their work, like every other guy&girl. 

• Let go of any self-hatred because things are not working out as they are supposed to be practice even more acceptance and also stand up for yourself if things are becoming to intenese

This was also part of the desire list, deep down I wish to simply have a beautiful girl, a house and a pool in a place that has beautiful nature and I can go into the depth of psychdelics & meditation 

• Have a beautiful girlfriend you resonate with and together build a life of profound depth & love, have a large house at a big city & enjoy deep social connections & love, adventure

Is a desire I added. 

• Turn on the Camera more often when you study & truely make this year a theme of beauty, mastery, consciouness, love & romance& intimacy as well as health!!

There is a strong fear of failure that is also holding me back, I've had a strong fear of beign succesful and better than others as I sort of saw my friends piss their life away with friends... and this hurted me a lot, due to not having a fully functioning family. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Alright still... let's do this! I think I found a deep enough and cringe vision, I don't need that much in life & honestly cannabis has been such a great fking tool, especially combining it with psychdelics. I'll put this into my vision. I also don't know what was up during that meditation retreat where I had a kriya thingy. I was certainly a bit more stupid, yet I outline this perfection as much as I can otherwise I would not honor my life, I had such deep awakenings where I noticed how great it felt to sacrifice my life for universal intelligence, I am not that great at it physically, when I get in touch with this this energy wants something completely different I would love to get more in touch with the creativity & depth of feminine intelligence so to speark energetically where this is the direction and I am not creating and instancing it as well as the vice-versa feeling etc. Also this energy & feeling keeps me so young, yet one thing I noticed is psychdelics and sports don't fking mix to well lol, my heart is hurting maybe cannabis is the only thing that's sorta okay. 

Certainly to create this theme is very important & even a schedule etc. Just enforcing the idea of beign a conscious creator is extremely important. To build that momentum again, took me a while to be thrown out of deep consistency is deep shit. 

The point is writting all of these intentions down and pursuing it step by step, also to wish for a patient and loving partner is simply better and please no more vegans ever!

Edited August 26, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

For me the most important issue is this, to start and then don't stop. I might have done a couple of mistakes, and I notice the value of this shadow work session, also connecting deeply to passions even if it's just video gaming etc. It's certainly better I might flunk a seminar, yet tbh. It has been such a huge issue getting work started etc. Also these dating apps severly level and limit my development, if I could go out weekly and even monthly consistenly it would not matter as much, yet to realize where I put in my energy & to honor this. It's enjoyable when I notice. Maybe this is also in a sense more honest & better I don't find that much joy in any sort of tech & science. I do it for survival and deep passion of just the art that computer science is to me etc. & the digital culture. Anyway, I might flunk the seminar... it's not that huge... yet I am slacking of when it comes to developing deep friendships.

It's certainly not easy for me & the healthcare system how great it is is not good enough. I would need to wait 1 year to get to a psychotherapist that "might" help me, yet could be an issue. They smile look at me hey! It's fine I would do better with a life performance coach. 

I am a bit disappointed how tech sort of happens it's so dry & reminds me of like cut-throat saving professionals it's so edgy it's not very manly.... 

Edited August 26, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Last thingy, I really have to hit the nail in the morning & then execute and build momentum. I was coasting extremely well. Also the stretching is important I'll might do the only routine that worked for me, yet I was legit waking up to world news consistently etc. As nothing else woke me up, as fear can be an illusions it's sometimes better to look it straight into the face as long as it's not a phobia, yet tbh. When I can exercise more all things fall in place. Just sports make all things for me fall in place....

Depth, strength, curiosity etc. Last coffee then I am running & reporting on the strength gains of 7 months of training.  Reduced it to 3 to get more flexy & strong. 

Edited August 26, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Going for the run now will report... & also text the girl...

Edited August 26, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Went for the run, was very exhausting I gained 7kg of muscles and did not train all week. My heart health is a bit odd, yet this was good just to be outside & listening to audiobooks. I could not run much, yet more importantly the training and food intake changes helped immensely it's like I am almost back at my old issues and I feel the level of strength I've build, especially in my legs, due to different reasons I do have to train glutes more. 

Also I notice the better my cardiovascular health the better my psychdelic trips, I get more clarity certainly. I had some minor issues, like my skin randomly itching when I am outside and to much into nature, I somehow react at times weirdly & my scar ultimately hurting so much that I had to stop and get used to that pain, it's a huge mental overcoming it sound easy in theory, yet it takes a while my whole brain is overloaded with pain perception & beign hypersensetive and on to much caffeine does not help. I notice some slight pain though I dunno. 

Doc said it was fine, so I might trust him. He found something apparently new... and did not help me further I dunno fuck the system at times, seriously fuck it. He explained nothing of this to much and I talked so much. If I had a main issue it would be flexibility of some sort and to milden the impact of running, a treadmill also helps me running outside is so hard and I was never easy on my joints, as people applauded my health so much. I took pride in not caring and developing these habits etc. Then running in the gym in the winter are all great ideas. Especially running in the summer during this time is such an excellent place for contemplation and rejuvination. I am sorry about a lot of things, yet it takes so much energy to be a conscious creator. The point is the assholness of humans in general, yet the audiobooks etc. are already great. My knee does hurt a little, yet that must be normal as it has to get used to the impact a bit etc. It's odd to see how little strength training & hyertrophy training go together with endurance like 0, 0 absolutely 0 etc. 

I have to see, yet I certainly feel more mature doing this and it's better to keep fit this way, I ordered some Pizza to celebrate immdiately a little bit. Beign so healthy conscious has it's own issue let alone cooking & utillity, yet this will certainly remind me what my priorities are etc. Not much to say, I enjoy nature the most when jogging, let's see how fast I rebuild health in that sense. I won't be peaking, yet I overall will have a better experience of momentum & health & my life purpose. Building endurance has been one of the most challenging things I've did and I'd like to maintain it etc. 

This might also get me back on track with politics and proper care etc. & working also the insight from deepak chopra and to honors Leo's work I've had some subtle issues & it's been sort of an oddity mostly, yet it's also odd, especially now that I have a new russian friend and you see sort of the issue of the "classic" blueness & perfection then I hear deepak chopras idea of efficiency that everything just flows and it's a way higher wisdom to enact this momentum. 

Generally speaking, the nr.1 issue I have is the point about survival and how toxic isolated ppl become it's very obvious to someone who enjoys reading the enneagram, yet it's such odd wisdom to contemplate. Many people also often applaud only material success, running I notice also gives me more power to be on the edge without beign arrogant and toxic. 

Would love to talk with my friend about the whole chinese history thing, my teacher forbade this during chinese classes & this certainly made it difficult. I am glad I could run by and talk to him, when I go for a run etc. I also love actualized.org as a news channel. Generally speaking it's like Leo is the introverted version of my old friend Anh. He loves me is very bengin I am very loving to him, he goes extra miles for me as it somehow gives him energy (due to my scar & injury I have this energy somehow it's very difficult to be innocent and control it???) then he turns toxic, I turn a blind-eye to it, then I turn extra nice to him etc. Then we both burn-out due to life and intensity of interests. Then we both reflect and I both see the issue of the past. The point is he stopped changing, Leo did not, I did not...I am also so happy for him and I might have a to child-like spirit at times... I dunno it keeps me alive etc. It's not easy to be playful and keep boundaries as I could really made the guy laugh as nobody ever believed I could be toxic and more shadow stuff like this in the power area. 

Also if I would have had a more normal upbringing I would go to the army, just to see once what a real threat is and what humans did to keep peace in a sense. This run was fantastic also.... I barely ran, yet just beign outside and walking is fantastic... and hearing wisdom then combing back and integrating it. It's not easy to get any personal growth & character growth and be succesful without massively contemplating or beign involved with people. 

There is also a certain part of me that wants these two people to be proud of me, and there are others where I feel I would love to share pride with them, that pride also is love is one of the weirdest things I keep learning each day. 

 

Edited August 26, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

On the phone did not text the girl yet.. I just deleted all apps, besides Bumble and yearn to go more into the real things with real people. Generally speaking what I did was still pretty hardcore & this can eventually continue. 

All in all going for this run & seeing the imperfection of perfection contemplating wisdom etc. Being more with spiritual people & new friends and opportunities. 

I might also be so real to ask the Russian guy about doing game consciously with me, he's the only guy I trust who could handle it. It also feels very good to some more of a standard art liberal influence of the Russian guy instead of the tech & status thing. There is a very real difference in maturity and I can see why some of them socially do extremely well. ~~~~~~

What is also cool, is these things and metrics help me ever since I've been regarded as gifted there are new issues & the JP stuff was also an issue to get into. As he was originally left. 

What is missing currently is stability I hope I can create this, now running certainly helped me I am not a very good runner & this is immensely challenging. Yet somehow I seek this out I feel more creative and rejuvenated afterwards. 

It's very different from the gym. Also running at night is great and I'll take more walks again. I had such a fear of people and humans when I was a teen I did not go outside at times from fear of being laughed at for some reason. Having clowny lips, big feet etc. My mother and father experienced also some serious racism it's at times triggering to see these power structures intact... I'll do some shadow work on this one also. What I can say is this. It helps me to stay on schedule I could turn down my expectations a little more and be more patient, loving and patient. I hope running, stretching intentions etc. Will teach me. So yeah. Journaling for now is my random intermittent reward and it has been the best so far, it really really helps me so much. Etc.

 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I notice I care less and less about knowledge and understanding this is good connections are more important this is one of the biggest lessons I've learnt the last year. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

This was interesting to watch. Also how corrupt some of the more left-leaning types are and how difficult it is also seeing all the more true machinations behind the Epstein scandal. From serious media fans is insane, yet yeah was very good to see this etc. 

When I first learned of crypto I thought how does this even scale without criminals scaling it & why do people believe in it's value. Let's see I dunno cannabis growing will soon be legal, they should make the procedure of producing DMT legal & claim some research areas with this. 

The Eppstein stuff is still by far the most confusing shit I've witnessed Merkel going to Epstein's island. etc. Obama etc. Also how dirty the model industry is & can be. I've often had weird feelings about this, also due to power lusting & cocaine. It's so weird I've never done it. Yet I wonder at times why we are so power hungry. Just to enjoy more freedom? I don't quit get it at times, yet I won't deny it. 

I am pretty, sure my team currently is clean that is very very good. I've seen worse in the creative industry odd... contemplating this. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I made a mistake in my profile and messaging, yet the girl gave me her number as I was honest. This is good I really like direct girls, it's rare to meet this & not the loyalty thingy, also being able to see the beauty of imperfection I really did not want this etc. 

Certainly all my dates have had a different character than all the sort of oranges+ there is a very deep resonance on some level I really like it. Let's see been a while since a girl gave me her number. Last girl cursed against my dad & was labeled street dog by one of the mods. Was an eye-opener to see the dark feminine Energy unchanneled haunting me producing almost the same issue or rather worse. 

Also empathic girls, I've had this a couple of times as flirts. Very deep resonance as I can emotionally stimulate her better due to hypersensetivity etc. I get her empathy and amplify it back it's very good. This is the good stuff. 

Let's see how far the new intentions etc. Will carry me & running could've gone to sleep. Now going to be more wise irregardless how often I repeat it, also coffee can certainly be an issue. Also to set the intention to forgive Leo daily is good & better for me. Etc. 

I find it also at times not so easy when I subtley notice how many are against him & the guy is also extremely strong I presume cognitively. It's a bad sad to not see a psychedelic Wilber. 

I hope with her I can explore integral space and move closer to nature... ,yet I should not get my green self to much involved. I am also looking forward to running & hearing David deida again.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Been awake for like ever I talked to sort of the green gaming culture of Germany it's such a weird and depressive place sort of. It is so rare that someone values ones health. I noticed this while running ppl look at you weird by caring to be healthy. 

It was still fun I see this partially at uni...& work the irony is the ones who do sports and exercise or organise stuff like this are way more fullfiled and successful. 

Was interesting to see, although all in all I prefer the more mature life. Acting and working more from intuition & less coffee as an intention and theme of awareness if not wisdom is simply better. 

I hope I can honor my life this way I was subtley at times very stressed etc. To many hard things and to many demands etc. I will keep these limits on from now on. Yeah... I hope I can switch companies to a more conscious one... etc. 

Still it's nice to be surrended by high green without bias I can legit be myself