Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

Might do a small trip & go for a breakthrough personal type of meditation, I've been through some deep soul searching and I really crave to interact with real humans in real houses doing real things. Be it e-commerce, playing the paino etc. Otherwise I'll organize some stuff and just might make a new final plan & goal, age & pain have been one of the most crippling factors. I'd also have to see what I can do within the company and we will network next week.... I somehow would prefer to do something more human related, where I can get laid & enjoy adventure more, I don't enjoy this bookish introverted study life, yet I enjoy the online-world balancing this has been one of the most difficult things. I'll take the tab & I might stream just to see if I'd get banned etc. I will not promote it etc. It's currently legal & I'd wonder if people would realize it. It's also a new experiences which can deepen the trip etc. I'd also like to get some insights into the sexual shadow of me and how to express this. 

I have not been nuturing my intuition till I listend to deepak chopra I feel so at home listening to him, after seeing sort of the character & spirit of certain places etc. More meta etc. Going to do the lowest dose of a trip ever. 

https://integrallife.com/toward-an-integral-meta-psychotherapy/#

If been missing span & intuition. Took the tab, 150mcg - 1D-LSD & going to chill and contemplate more chill in this state. If I get some decent depth I might go for a meditation, yet I know I can generate this just by doing a consistent 1h practice I get a lot of depth and edge. This is mostly the icying on the cake, yet sometimes you eat just the icying. Practical holism is quiet difficult to come by, I miss healthy friends from strong green families who've might made 1 or 2 leaps. Currently there is still to much orange, I'd like to either be a better orange or to move to a higher green place. For more space for true development etc. 

I could make a list of what internally and externally motivates me currently. Just doing a purchasing list currently is a huge motivator. 

Edited August 19, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

By far the most revealing aspects of my trip, I notice mostly how I keep scamming myself & also how bad I've felt also honestly speaking how much Leo hided the fact that he was not meditating, as he was one of the most integrous people, I've meet yet even then I see how I am scammed myself, by not doing & as well as sort of searching for a scapegoat, yet I don't deny that this had an effect on me, especially considering psychdelics & just physical health. 

My heart on & after LSD definitely needs a little break and a more rougher and smoother breathing, running usually get me from of kinks in my breath that would cause the heaviest egoic reactions. This is also one of the best episodes, I also had some I don't know if it was last time & or this time, conscious coincidence & I wonder how it must have been for Leo & getting girls, just considering the guy & his family & health. I was so happy to hear in this episode that is brother is a "die hard" coder & that he was scammed in Texas in a start-up company. Mostly the fact that he's a coder & that sort of all of this love & passion for beauty & creativity also went into the same field.

I just contemplated Baldur's Gate 3 & my dating life and I see mostly how I am not very good at getting people at my dinner table... & generally speaking about the long and ardous process of buying a house, becoming richer & skimming some books, how often it depends more on faith & creating good opportunities out of taking action that is pragmatic & very principled. I thought about my life & my physically injury and made some internal resolutions to my health & fitness mostly. It has been bothering me that when I go running etc. & I go back an I am alone in my bed... that when I breath I can't even do a full breath to fully feel my body without feelings my bones & some tension due to the scar. I often wish I would have had the opportunity to have fully functional health to test my limits, physicall & mentally, yet I was not born that fortunate. I generally thought about all of my psychological drama & how well it generally felt to connect to people & my psychotherapist as humans & friends who wanted good for me, yet I was in such a frenzy, I don't know why I became so cynnical about myself & life. I had so much fear getting into a tech company & now I am in the company due to the sort of "rule & principled-based" attitude my family had, yet they have nothing to show for it, beside their human lives....

I seriously considered some scenarios & some are sort of bitter&sweet and it certainly involves beign more creative and well-spirited, especially looking & work current trends of development, commericals, jobs, opportunities & side-hustles in that sense. I have a fantastic gift sent to me in multiple areas & at best I don't spoil it. I have such awesome opportunities, yet I don't know why I let them slide, I never had the opportunity to celebrate bigger wins with other friends in my life, I've always had been forced mostly to celebrate my journey, that at times I hate it and don't like it....

I miss the treadmill so much running for 1h & just meditating and contemplating and getting into the feeling of deeper merit & work while just seeing nature & beauty as well as the effects of active meditation, how I developed skill and depth in an expertise & how much sort of envy & hatred goes into my internally by failing & failure. To see this as a learning jouney, I've often thought about reviewing and reflecting & I've did so much to change behaviour inside-out, that I don't know anymore who or what I was. Now seeing more how the world is, it's still a very great scenario that I am in, even if I am not perfect I could work on a craft and build it further. I just personally choose to invest into education, yet what never worked out for me was my love life & how much I had issue with this since I was a teenager. I thought about so many ends & I was glad a girl still wants to meet up with me next month and after watching the episode above, Leo reminded me a lot about integrity & how the girl I've slept with had a deep sense of integrity I was simply missing, by realizing how much young people do actually work for their dreams, and how sweet it was that she made time for me, and I messed up where I'd meet her, and she waited 15-30 minutes, and she was just waiting outside beautifully, it was somewhat of like a miracle. I could have not imagined the scenario more perfectly. With a book in her hand, how I was and felt that age just young and innocent and eager to learn and build with my mind & psyche and experiencing the world and all of it's inhabitants. I gave culture in a sense so much trust when I was young to head into all of these cultural benefits I have with studying at a university etc. Still when I think about my life I am so unhappy where I am at simply, because of marketing & self-hatred as well as hatred against a.i, then the though reality of a.i, then it's future building blocks and the new age hippy ranting sort of. I sort of felt like no one belives what I am seeing and interacting with my own eyes. 

There are other moves that I am making & I hope they could possibly also take me over and I could work there fulltime..., yet for now I don't really know I can save roughly about in a pitch-perfect scenario 12k in 1 year that is enough money to do stuff, more realistically, if I am really that strict 2-3k are gone, & there is still pure man power & the labour force! I miss just grocery shopping & I generally would like to see other clowns at times, then europeans... I thought about moving to Switzerland after seeing this.

This is it for me & from me for now, I'll be talkin later to my mother and do my best to be more integrous again, all of these heavy hits certainly left their blow on me mostly in terms of giving up & long-term creation. I'll hopefully post tomorrow or today once more. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Post got lost:

Gratitude Journal:

• I am grateful for finding a bit more clarity after sleeping
• I am grateful values are not forced on me where I feel I'll be burning out
• I am grateful that I notice the little things more
• I am grateful that I am working at the new company
• I am grateful that other humans and people can like me and love me

The are other things which are difficult to speak about, especially the issue of perfection & that imperfection is perfection and beign talking to my mother who is an extrem black & white thinker. Otherwise, the best thing is to enjoy things a little more slower.

• Save money
• Don't trip when I am not tripping on longer success streaks
• Other things, do them 1 by 1. 

I am still hurt by a lot of what happend with actualized.org & my friend and the lies of them. I don't enjoy hiding these feelings, and it corrupted the spiritual process by the act of mockery & ignorence and arrogance. The biggest thing that can get to me is dating I spoke to a coaching programm yesterday, yet it's way to expensive. 

The energy all of this costs is immense and I still will take new pictures & buy new clothes with the money and save the rest, I don't really need more.... I legit thought about buying an OnlyFans of one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen to simply enjoy even exploring my sexual fantasies after reading one book. As it's definitely cheaper than buying porn, going out even & online-dating services. At least till now. I dunno I thought a message of someone like this, who I enjoy her personality is better than my current online-dating success & all the comments I received etc. Somehow it's all a little to weird and all are into raves & techno etc & nature. 

A good friend wants to visit to go party that is very good, as his stuff works, and generally speaking there will be more opportunities. I feel very dejected even the last girl was great, yet her music taste did not get my demi side of things going, it was the type of music I enjoyed the least & even in that area the subsector I can't enjoy. I don't feel it etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Feeling weird about current things one of my best friends currently get's laid a lot he does not live nearby, he was also fat and he lost a lot of fat and became quiet attractive and he talked to me about the "beauty priviledge" a bit today in a vm. I frankly have never seen so many attractive girls in apps and the last couple of boosts (I get a free one weekly, as I bought a lifetime subscription) does not help me anymore somehow, I've always recevied compliments even in online-dating apps from strangers (once etc.) how attractive I am, and at work for example when I started two girls walked to my place curious who is the new good-looking guy working here, yet somehow my online-dating does not work, I feel as though I have it extra though and I don't know why his stuff is working the pictures are more natural and he's 20-30% bigger in frame and arms etc. His smile is also insanly infectious. I did get matches etc, yet I evoke to many nice guy notions of some sort, and not girls wants this also the entire dating pool and landscape as changed to techno & dress style girls and wow, I somehow get none of it. even though that'd be perfect for me. I hope the new shooting & clothes will do the trick otherwise I am lost, as I don't know what I could be working on. Also the second girl talked about marriage, apparently guys via this app even propose marriage... dating nowadays has become an absolute problem. If you're not in the 10% I dunno I have better career prospects than my friend. It just seems software engineering & IT does not seem to be very attractive? He's a teacher in chemistry & sports this is super good in terms of evoking connection & trust and sexyness notions etc. As well as being and having social skills. 

For me currently, it's been I really don't know anymore what is happening and this all cost me so much fking energy, I find this all currently so unappreciative girls only care about your posessions partially and what you have even with pictures rated 9,0 - 7,2 from the same pool, the more you show status & social proof the better your dating profile. Sometimes I really hate human biology. But it is what it is. I am very unhappy about my dating situation even when I invested and tested a lot. To more cleaner information. The more status and fame you have the easier it is. Take a suit go to a boat and a mansion take a photo near a super nice car and wear glasses and jewlery and you get laid. I dunno. I am not very happy about all of this etc. Makes me think extremely negative about girls generally speaking and the averag judgement I see from hoardes of girls in group. It's not very enjoyable and frankly I don't comprehend it anymore. Online-Dating turned even more superfifical etc. Also my life style is severly limited so I dunno, I am not happy and some girls are just not in any leauge etc. Where I would touch & date them & I am lowering standards etc. Character is also the biggest lie in history and does not get you laid, maybe personality yet that takes a lot of energy etc. 

I dunno I am not happy about it and barely anyone goes out. Also German girls seem to like more ethnic guys etc. They don't care that I am American and I can get some extremely hateful notions if they girl is not very high green & not biased I dunno. I am also so tired of the shallow type of American Rap song liking. I dunno what mindset I should adopt. This song helps me at least to get rid of any notions of b.s at least something I can enjoy as rap etc. I dunno not all to happy even if things get better. The irony is some OnlyFans girls I have seen have more character than hoes from online-dating. Truth ????? Absolute Truth. 

I still frankly have to say OnlyFans girls have more class than what I see in my Online-Dating apps, even by character some at least I dunno what to think anymore about dating. It's not fun. Although all my dates have been good and okay, it's simply not fun anymore. I can't properly build my body, 

Edited August 22, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

So here I am in bed on my phone, I don't really know what to say all I notice is I am loosing more and more interest in life. 

I don't enjoy how little success I have with girls and other stuff, also through I don't enjoy reading anymore as this did not get me laid and the arduous process of improvement. I also don't enjoy my compassionate character anymore and how much girls like arrogance. I saw only one profile of a girl today where I thought thank you for pointing out the hypocracy. There are also so many superficial people with advanced degrees but none in tech & the few ones far out there again fully-fleged into their arrogance which clearly is a lack of character & a sign of insecurity, deeply repels me. I don't know what to think anymore my internal motivation is not there, as I have the issue of I only enjoy dating if I have a lot of options. If I don't and it's only a few I am grateful, yet not as deeply enthralled by being liked. 

I had so many internal pains also due to my mother sort of supporting me in interests that girls like strongly, yet from my pov she sucks at everything so that was a very bad inspiration besides sports. I apparently deleted my father not he me, as I was enraged by to much death and I could not handle the emotional apathy anymore and me having to "understand it" instead of creating some level of depth for the situation & doing smth. like asking me tool write a letter or speaking to other family members about the history of my other dead grandma. I don't have any grandparents anymore. All I saw was my family crying digesting somehow quickly while I and my mother had to endure the most damage. My aunt is also a huge asshole in a sense and steadily providing understanding from me while they have 0 ability to do this is one of the most hypocritical shits I have seen recently. I also frankly fking hate every culture in the world currently and hookah culture etc. 

I dislike how hideous my aunt is about her promises to me and then other stuff and possible denial. I also don't enjoy it that others only enjoy it when I am happy and the steady questioning and toxicity I received subtley from friends and gaslighting. Such as what is wrong when nothing is wrong etc. Type of questions, denial of caring about racism and topics that concerned this. Dumb autistic comments that stem from pure hatred and ignorance. I also believe in my life I will never date a black girl not once. I don't enjoy it, I don't enjoy the beauty of it also & it reminds me to much food my American family and peer pressure & competition. I am also just not biologically attracted to them & received and saw so much racism and bigotry I don't want to have to do anything with them, I feel stupid around some of them regardless of color of skin it's simply is when there is this helplessness attitude I feel very stupid this goes for everyone, yet is especially amplified with black girls. I am still open-minded & I would date black girls, yet if there are to many notions of the above being evoked in me I will not do it. Also due to being an envious 4 and not many guys liking black girls there is no collective incentive neither an envious drive to say oh fuck I want that but I don't have it. When I am around black men etc. who like black girls this changes instantly. 

Post 1

[ValiantSalvatore]

Post 2

Not sure anymore what to do and think when I went grocery shopping yesterday the world seemed a bit more normal as I talked to the cashier who generally is good spirited a bit, then I saw a group of fat german girls with bikes and I noticed the yapping & complain culture & the denial of their social priviledge generally speaking. I also can't seem to look at the competition in online-dating which would give me a better and rougher idea what to do even when I change my gender etc. It does not show me many male profiles for both apps it somehow does not do this anymore. This would certainly help me more than only seeing impossible girls. 

I just currently don't really know where to draw inspiration from, it would certain help me to see profiles of guys who are doing it totally wrong, as I am doing so much right, it's only little things that cost a lot of money and effort & I am a bit tired of it. Right now also to work on my goals and dreams, which also involved having a girlfriend and having to change that etc. Also the sheer amount of arrogance and toxicity from girls, my entire pain-body becomes activated at times, it really depends, yet there is a lot of hatred for the average German girl and guy due to the damage their culture has done emotionally to me. It's also not with everyone and it's often evoked in groups with some it works better, especially when the stimulation truely is higher and moves into joy & enthusiasm shit is not as bad, yet everything below that, even how Germans experience love in groups. I feel left out at times & it can evoke some serious negative notions. Right now, I am seriously dejected even when I've made and created the best possible option. I am seriously dejected and disappointed from to many things and people.

I lost so much desire also to gain skill, as I sort of have the lazy businessmen around me etc. at work and I don't enjoy the drama that is created during skill creation. I also stopped caring about my life, I also don't care about watching some third world country etc. Then I attract it and the toxicity here, I don't frankly care and can't bear to watch it. It's so stupid. The only thing that motivates me to take action is proper beauty etc. Currently, there are so many mistakes and things. I frankly stopped caring. I don't know what the solution is besides to meditate and continue, yet I am tired of the people motivating me, they've made to many mistakes. The only one I appreciate are my best friend & another best friend as these are the only ones who really know me and I feel they know me, they know what to do at the right time, and I am barely angry at them. It's mostly the issue of perfection and cleanliness that sort of is the issue. 

This is mainly it. If they upgrade these apps to give people a chance more etc. I hope this will work there are so many girls with a master degree, none of them are in tech or smth. difficult. I don't know frankly what they've studied it's basically a hypocritical stance of some sort. As they don't really have any skill just grades etc. In tech this does not work, yet you can easily manage the b.s that I am seeing like. Wirtschaftsinformatik & other stuff is the very very easy route. I see 1-2 attractive girls in my classes from 100 people in IT etc. So I dunno some are in law, and these girls are just very alpha and don't really have character they just fuck some of them etc of course not, but what I generally see it's so much a request to be dominated and fucked. I can turn so toxic in this, somehow this also changed dramatically. I don't really comprehend anymore. 

Talked to a friend about online-dating this gives me a more realistic scenario of how it truely is. Also having girlfriends who do it it seriously helps me. Currently, I have never been so dejected and my best quality is seeing insights & trends if I have some success and spot it quickly I can implement it quickly, yet currently it's a serious issue to sell myself. As I have a lot of stage blue characteristics and interests also. I make another post later. This helped me to talk to my friend etc. etc.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Going to stream a bit and then work ideally & clean in my breaks, will not meditate I am feeling so extremely unhappy about all of this dating & class fight and beign human shit. I don't enjoy it at all. I don't enjoy the class suggestion of the average white girl who studied law and overcame the social odds, yeah by simply having ressources and living in the dark ages. I miss the more submissive and not constantly challenging girls who do not grow you, yet simply break you for no reason as to develop depth. Like do yoga or just meditate and go into nature, that develops more depth than you horse etc. Yet this makes you happy etc. I don't enjoy the typical german girls. I frankly don't like it anymore as well as the overfocus on mechanical knowledge for depth as depth = pain. What a simple equation.... way to simple ... it's such a circle jerk of human connection, I don't even know what connection is supposed to mean, for me it's simply life experience be it pain & or not and how you convey it. 

Anyway, I hope for now on out I do better. I am also so sick and tired of dating apps, I might focus on real relationships again. I also really want to move I hate fking seeing grandmas and children 90% of the time. I am so tired of seeing this in my immediate enviroment makes me feel so disconnected from what is happening. I am going to do a 90 day perfect routine challenge her, with that I mean pitch-perfect I will say no to everything and bitch about every Hurensohn who tries to motivate me, shut up! I am tired of seeing the same lame humans over and over again, and I'd like to move to America finally and I know what type of girl I'd like to have a relationship with. I can sense them from miles away. What does my perfect pitch-perfect routine involve. 
 

• Waking up at 06:30 doing a stretching routine for 15 minutes.
• 1h meditation & gratitude journal 
• Eating 4 toasts with stuff & a coffee 
• Starting work from 9:00-21:00 approx
• Cooking at 12:00 or 13:00 & save some of the food
• Cooking the same shit over and over again also
• Daily changes and having the energy for daily immediate changes
• Intentions about current life 
• Streaming on the weekend
• Keeping my commitments
• Deleting Online-Dating (only keeping one app & using it's automatic boosts)
• Working out 3x a week
• Taking supplements
• Taking protein shakes 3x a day
• Cleaning my appartement 15 min a day and for 1h a week
• Approximating all of this
• Weekly planning with Notion & if not do daily planning -> see how that edge is connecting you to god! You are god!!!
• See how god is giving you an edge on every performance in life!!!
• See how god is giving your meaning by beign on that edge
• Keep away from edge stealers, CLOSE THE GATES!!!!!! Share true feelings etc.
• Wake up and do your shit even when you feel a little energy loss, you're eating and doing so much pitch-perfect shit you need a pro-coach I don't know I am doing fking nothing wrong, I don't maximise properly 
• Focus on maximising and not minimizing, ignore the minimizers
• Save the money you're making and do proper research. 
• Study for university primarily and do your work and network
• Invest in the new friends fuck all the hoes and bitches from online-dating & legit buy the stuff from the OnlyFans girl you saw and give your best at consciously appreciating a true goddess in that sense, and not this rough socialist b.s on dating apps and materalist crap. This girl from my pov is pure perfection and I love that. 
• Keep working on conscious conicidences even if they turn out a little dirty you saw what edge that gave you!!!
• Keep making plans about improving systems and enjoy that. Integrate yourself more etc.
• Take university serious again, I've gotten so lost with all these fking kids and status shit I am so tired of humans you would not believe it, I know why I loved seeing and beign in China and seeing ancient cities with not much to-do besides work, sleep be spiritual, honor your community. 

Current purchasing list:

• Drying machine
• Expensive running shoes 
• New brand clothes, both professional and stylish
• Some accessoieres
• Stuff that fits your brain etc. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today is Day 0:
 

• Brief report. I will stream & do some work then for the company and my seminar & clean my appartement in my breaks & cook for tomorrow. 
• I might meditate for 10 minutes minimum a day, when I am seriously stressed as this even works. 

Gratitude Journal:

I am grateful that some of the girls that liked me were the absolute perfection of girls I would have loved in my life, absolute imperfect girls who also have high-standards, yet lower them as they know it's delusional to have high-standards and simply do their best in their lives

I am grateful for doing the pitch-perfect 90 day challenge of living my new lifestyle and routines & getting rid of the orangness of them and looking for higher stage yellow things

I am grateful I find my inner work ethic again, without assholes motivating me for their gleeful pain oriented nature and then burning-out and causing this burn-out by forcing & forcing & brute-forcing instead of doing it beautifully consistently with nudging slowly into perfection of depth

I am grateful for my new friends and also my true self and getting rid of such hypocrites such as ralph smart with his vegan anti a.i worldviews 

I am grateful to not date and say no to vegans and liberal delusional creatures who are utterly in a shitty mental space because they can't eat properly and deny parts of their biology humanity is not that advanced

I am thankful for everyone who is real to me and I can consider a true friend and not some hogwash who wants to influence me to their own ways. I have a serious carving also to be on the top fair, which can cause some trouble, yet get's me into the right level of improvement growth spectrum

That is it. I am streaming and doing shit now. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Going to be a little stupid, but it is what it is. I feel better this way. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

All of this nutrition and not having like a proper cheat meal without considering my health is also so annoying. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Feeling a little bit better about myself. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Going to stay up the night and work on projects the whole time, I slept yesterday or so for more than 10-15h or so, I don't like the subtle type of racism & sexism in games I spot this in an instance, like peasent from a villages who don't like black girls & women and such, and it seriously affects others and I see this in PUA circles so fking heavily especially from eastern people the type of judgement and realness of reality how such a strong reality can even get you laid etc. is in my eyes insane. I notice this and I feel this I had to learn with such people and ironically these shits are the most attracted to black girls & women and even men. Those who deny it so hard and say they are not attracted etc. You feel it. Huge shadow in these people etc. It's insane. 

Allright, let's also make some money in that sense by working all night, currently I can't stomach the level of hypocracy, the girls who like & match me 90% of them are great fits. Yet, somehow it's not working out as we don't get to chat. That is fundamentally it for now.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Imagine my friends are so cheap and lame at times, yes I am hating. I would hate them for fun also, you could watch the gameawards life now NOW!!! imagine.... asking anime girls for feet pics and not getting reported to the police. It legit would be an opener. I dunno why people are such survival oriented lame asses at times I fking hate it. How much energy it takes to find friends for events etc. 

Play every game without a line etc. I dunno why they do this. 

I might create Bumble friends groups for techno etc. I don't fking know anymore. Talking to developers making connections but no we have to go to consumer electronic ?, I hate it frankly at times. Moderation & Skepticism I fking hate it at times. 

Edited August 22, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Why do I have to be an atheltic video game nerd, that is fking useless. People legit became envyious & hateful because I seem perfect, I am going to be so pitch-perfect now you'd not believe it, I will fail at the perfect moment and see the higher intelligence of the universe at work, I will win at the perfect time and see the higher intelligence of humanity at work. '

I hated this so much people asking me for my IQ & consistently expecting results etc. & blaimg and bitching when I make a mistake etc. I dunno, I am happy I don't have this anymore. 

I will hang-out with the nerdiest professors who have the most weirdest female assistent & let this OnlyFans girl I found who is realer than my online-dates send me feet pics in a cosplay costume, I dunno I am joking a bit, yet I will buy her OnlyFans legitametly, I am tired of supporting also porn & I don't enjoy the quality and intimacy of it, when I consider that I can find every freaking studio for free almost and high quality "conscious porn". Whatever that maybe. Anyway, I dunno anymore I fking hate cs majors most of them, some of these stereotypes are so real. The girl I had sex with made fun of me a little bit in a teasing and good way, but fuck it's incredible to see 1w9 and get perfection in that sense, but yeah who comprehends this? It's incredible to see the same types of people and biases over and over,  I dunno what to date anymore, maybe I legit have more luck with.

It's incredibly difficult to find a girl that likes this nerdy stuff & has character & if she even has OnlyFans at this point I am going to buy it. It's better than the rest and the so called "depth" that I am seeing as it's just mind. Anyway. This was my tiny rant.

Edited August 22, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Then I am trolling & I get the hottest possible match that would meet my level of depth & superficiality in contrast to these gamer anti-social, semi social type of power hungry ghosts. I dunno anymore & I can't believe it I screen shot all of it to document it & see where & how I attract girls that simply fit. 

Would not believe it at times, in Leo's episode where he talked about principles the principle of the fool always doing the opposite. Instead of beign the "black guy" who goes to the gym, I should scream free anime feet pics & I get girls??? Like wtf. I don't believe this. 

Maybe my counter-intutiveness is that I need to troll people at times. To show them they are normal and I am leveraging them. I forgot that turqouise clowns on purpose to show them the mirror of society, I would get into fights if I do this in real life. Do this one second with the turkish & arabic people who live here and I I would certainly need to run ??
 

This is me, I watched so much of this b.s 

Some of these are so funny, where they comeback and see the camera and get worked up about nothing. 

Edited August 22, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Pitch-Perfect Day1:

Intention: Live a perfect live an routine 
Synchronicity: Match has same dog as last date
Gratitude: I am grateful for feeling more depth in me when I focus on true spirituality & not psychdelically enhanced spirituality, I am grateful for seeing psychdelic is bullshit as none and close to none of the users have any attainments, I am grateful that I worked a lot and had a lot of synchronicities when I meditated, I am grateful & thankful for deepak chopra and the sort of depth that I can develop through this, I am 
Desire: Find deeper quality girls via apps and through networking who fit my love map and also evoke a level of sexual attractions that fits, I especially enjoy petite girls with a friend personality and teasing personality so you can't really distinguish if it's your girlfriend or a normal guy friend and still have sexual and character type of attraction I had this with multiple girls.

Generally write down the desire keep them focused not overfocused. I missed my meeting which is really bad I confused the times...happens I hope....again simply perfect.....

That is it. This is how this will go, with meditation then. 

Edited August 23, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Going to be a little bit stupid, again yet I am a bit tired of the subtle lies & how to deal with it & the general honesty and boredom I meet then...

The issue is then I am doing it & it stems from the b.s that I witness, especially in relationships of any sort.

 

Edited August 23, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I can't believe she matched I drank 60% approx of a bottle of wine and emptied it. ?

I am going to give the guy I subtley lied to some sweets, as I don't have the best relationship to German guys, yet he's better than your average video game trash ?. Maybe someone is praying for me again. 

Had to listen to some hood rap music (German) to remind myself, yep people are lying 99.9% of the time keep it real. Anyway, had some inclinations to be more "real", I could get fired etc. But ppl told me to chill etc. Anyway, I hope with this one I finally land. Way way way more my type from all the dates & matches I had & I know I would be super sexually affected by her as well as not toxic as this face does not remind me of any toxicity. It's odd to say, but true. I reply after some sleep....I hope I can get into skill dev. again I just am so tired of ppl subtley lying and having advantages etc. 

I just sort of subtley rags oh with pitch-perfect I forgot the category pain and reliving it by talking about it and getting it out. Like getting subtley lyed to & then subtley lying. Maybe this is the effect, also from being longtime friend with a guy who was socially good at lying & inventing excuses for his survival. I am not friends with him for 3-4 years "really!" anymore. My main issue is commitments & when I play games & watch stream all of this ranking & shit Talk about higher & lower and the we-feeling people derive from that & the subtle lvl of exclusivity & arrogance. From online-dating I had this a bit amplified. I dunno might reply now etc. It really depends stage orange would have deleted me by now this is so good! & Also I don't know anymore what to do with skill development & there is no shadow and therapy for guys in this area who received broken skill development & are gifted and underachieving etc. I dunno at times it's really not so easy anymore to have this purity type of lifestyle & I did this out of love mostly which I had & the love for purity & cleansing also. Well.....

I can say this. I'll only listen to Deepak Chopra audiobooks from now on. Till I die, all of these Ralston audiobooks etc. I feel like a good schoolboy, that is not truly me. For me this mastery stuff is great, yet I burn when I grind like this. I still have to get to a more intuitive mastery and implement some principles like the one of state creation, I did this very often & journaled about this due to having vgp etc. Yeah still I'll sleep now I text her when I am up..

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Pitch-Perfect Day2:

Intention: Do a 10-15 minute meditation
Desire: Abonden and completely leave this website for the rest of my life internally & utterly free there are several things I don't respect here, keep it for your own pure entertainment
Pain: The fakeness and hostility I've witnessed here and there is no real way to make amends for this.
Gratitude: I am grateful the girl fully matched and messaged me, I am grateful for chill co-workers, I am grateful that I am not some stage orange & blue money hungry twat who grinds & grinds and has 0 fullfilment & craves more external stimulation, I am grateful to see & hear some truely peaceful sounds around me animals and not fat fking neighour moving chairs, I am grateful I am not Leo Gura, I am grateful that I am not a right-winged mind invested moderat oriented PUA, I am grateful I am not a racsit and social darwinist, I am grateful I find more depth through gratitude.
Current Archetype: Zeuss 

That is fundamentally it, I am still not emotionally over what some members of the website did and how racist & yes these people are in denial about their worldviews many are and also the social darwinistic character of the forum & how it's all just perfect as it is. There is nothing to change about it, yet I opt to choose for dreamers who go after their goals, not racist realists who create lies and are deceitful. 

I am also happy for everyone who ddoes not grind off my energy, when I am very happy & enthusiastic. 
I am also grateful for anyone who does not evoke gaslighitng patterns and degeneracy in terms of beign unable to initiate & be in a relationship that fosters consciouness & beign extremely wise in that. 
I am also grateful for seeing the sun outside and smelling sort of the chill rural energy & getting my mind of the steady subtle competition and networking machine of humans 

There is simply less & less an incentive to be here. There are maybe 3-5 people who I resonate with & generally speaking I prefer to build my social life, I might post this structure in my digital journal & completely leave the level of disappointment is unreal. I can'T also really see my life purpose sheet anymore.

I feel better doing these thing in private I find this website to be fake and Leo Gura often enough also. I don't find I could trust this guy as a leader as well as teaching me about relationships & spirituality. There is to much missing even if he is a good guy, there is a lot of fakeness tbh. Which is missing & it's messing up my spiritual progress. It's an immense lack of integrity & I don't enjoy it to be around unhealthy people to much currently, & Idk how much his health issues play a role her, yet I wish him the best. I am out of this, I am often to much forced to be in a social darwinistic position etc. 

I am gone from this website & will use it for my entertainment, untill I see the clarity & not the artistry and possible con-artistry. Some stuff was revealed way to late & I see why, and it's obvious to me after tripping how much your mind can become invested, if there are just 3-5 people like this. I hope he had some good wings etc. 

I am gone from here. I just post for entertainment & self-entertainment, yet this will not be anything slightly serious anymore. There is so much beauty & art around me and to focus on this is way better.

I could've called this journal simply beauty & art. Yet, I am so convinced when I see all threads here psychdelics don't do that much they just amplify 1000x a deeper consistent practice etc. Without this you're relying on pure luck.

There are several things I absolutely hate, yet it is what it is. Currently I will stay clear of coaches who gaslight etc. & people who use gaslighting type language and imagery to motivate their righ-wing type of social darwinism & not seek out talks etc. I know at times why I don'T like introverts etc. I have to look for also better and proper feedback channels it's odd. Yet I am out I post mainly for beauty & playfulness & humour and keep the procceses to myself mostly etc.

Would like to go to a place like this for a while to rejuvinate creative juices & to legit work etc.....

Going to say this once... having ugly co-workers keeps me from going to work as they fking turn ugly also ..... fking asshoels these types of ppl at times, and in denial about it.

Edited August 24, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am also so happy about what the girl wrote to me, this reminds me all of more conscious communication and deep empathy that I did not get from my family. Deep empathy is so different than the casual I am sorry shit. Compassion & Empathy are generally very different deep empathy makes me laugh everytime.

The level of depth & profundity I get from 1h of meditation in skill development etc. Is also unmatched to all other procceses. I certainly miss beign conscious & skilled and not doing it like some self-immolation. This is way better & to have a gf and a family who supports it is the crown so to speak. I simply love direct & conscious girls it's so rare to meet this. Also higher development. I am a bit tired also to subtely speaking to this orange optimization frenzy, hey make a little more shoulders, hey optmize and squeeze a little more efficiency out of this & that, yeah good work! 

Instead of going out and speaking to girls without alcohol, no we black pill each other into the gym mines & spend eons building muscles to get girls. Without considering health, yes maxmize fitness yeah! Orange or we coerce each other into stage purple elitism and exclusivity look how noble, posh & rich I am. Then you have the few global adventures who don't give a shit & the reason I go to events. Yet, still I am happy the girl wrote to me like this even if I did not respond it's more meaningful to me than the current b.s. There is also a huge inner child ressonance by her interests. 

Yeah so I am going to meditate for 1h & not care I am so glad when I can be conscious without all of the bad mouthing shitty humour, and gaslighting type notions & I can consciously be me etc. This was not tolerated well in my family this kid of notion & humour besides some level of glee. I don't enjoy it the identity jokes can be more fun & deeper etc. But, w/e I lost my type of humour that I practiced with the 30 day challenge, it involved so much identity some can't handle it. 

Wrote to her I'll hope for the best. 

Edited August 24, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore