Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

I'll break my silence a month approx earlier. as I am not using my success journal anymore, when I consider that level of depth that I am getting it's not good for me I unconsciously scurry around stuff and to be very percise, I'd often had to say. I miss a connection to god, the invinite, profound surrender, a connection to allah, whatever a supreme idenity etc. These are all different terms, I struggle with my value for self-expression and strategic planning and journaling has been a way to console and digest my mental health a bit more effectively, it was something I yearned for when I was a teenager and a kid, a way to express myself without judgement and feeling rules. I just never knew personal development existed. The success journal is a bit to exhausting and I don't feel I have as much control of my life, as when I can type at a place like this and take care of my needs that way. I currently also have an ambivalent relationship to the stage orange performance and meritocraty drive, and I generally miss more TIER 2 self-reflections, even if these authors call these self-generated power questions, power questions a fundamentally and deep down I know what it takes, so I better maintain my current level of mental health and this is a place where I drew more power from, than I thought. I seriously have to re-consider this and this generally also helps with leadership abillities and pushing myself and challenging myself, especially when I don't want to. After the death and the tedious process of my grandma and generally just embracing stage orange more after learning about SD, I don't even know anymore what is burn-out and burn on, it's often just where can I maintain balance & post my meditation sessions and shadow work sessions, I am a bit tired of doing it alone and not feeling seen, even if that is a feminine&yin drive possibly or just human. I definitely crave positive attention and tbh, even the negative can be fun at times. It feels better than to constantly give others attention from a neutral and value providing place, also the level of depth I get from my meditation sessions and then working here helps me to deal with the good side of my ego, or let's say the good part of my ego. The shadow side is from me is absolute domination in the sense of not giving other choices. I also can reflect my readings that way, and I am generally not as stressed as well as I might be able to post from work and just think about ideas, and give others inspiration. 
I'll work for 1h my new setup is basically there, I also miss again the connection to America, my father is such a pussy he deleted me from Facebook, my mother told me she thinks he is a weak man, considering his upbringing and how stupid that guy is I don't know what to feel anymore, it's more like I miss the godlike connection to yang energy, as I completely dismissed this fool, yet some impacts are there in behaviour that I just won't notice do to the ueber feminine influence of my family and the bitter nagging energy against men etc. Made it difficult to enjoy divine masculinity. I often also cringe at notions of king & queen, it's a super black marketing segment, I really resonate only with god-like omnipotent energy. My parents generally deny their toxicity, yet help a lot with their doing, my mother changed also a lot in is generally a stable person & fun person to be around, she is just fking lazy about skill improvement due to the level of rigidity and immense level of frustration and contraction and she is prone to anger and denies it. I don't have and had the luxury of this projection benefit, as soon as you have a tiny bit of color on your face, people will smear that into your face. 

1. A bit of other stuff, a new friend of mine recommended me to read nietzche which I thought was odd, and something about power, I generally resonate with the energy, yet never with the ideaology of it, he seemed the first one normal to recommend it. Spoilers I will not read it. 
2. The engineering stuff & truth are for me an interesting connection currently
3. A lot of girls deleted me and I notice the hinderances of German materalism, they basically all would go for you if you have the potential to provide house & kids or are an absolute murderous degenerate, everything inbetween is boring & average.
4. I'll use the journal to contemplate meditative, psychdelic & other journeys I prefer stuff in real-time and some reflections I ask my self very often 
5. This also generally helped me a lot more when I was alone to deal with the toxicity of this and also I'd like to write unfiltered about my unique dating experience, and subtle impressions etc.

Clarity, will be a value that I won't share it's a quality I develop my beign, it's also one of my strength to develop sensory clarity, I just notice that many are not very grateful for this quality and I notice I can work on my gratitude journaling, especially in the morning. The more I trip I can also the the level of depth of a human beign, I've never meet anyone as deep online as Shinzen, maybe Sadghuru my last trip also showed me this, even if others went deeper there is no use and my survival concerns and a more balanced enlightenment is simply a better option - starting from Teal upward! 

About Dating:

The last 7 months, I dated approx. 7 girls so many deleted me online as I did not response and sort of relished in the rather weak abundance, I notice through gratitude I have more of it, yet I did not practice that the last couple of months. I am also massively slacking of with work and I sort of have to distract myself otherwise my inner perfectionist will kill me, I notice also the more imperfect I act the more perfection I generate. 
 

1.  Girl_7 half black girl from Bumble, she was half Ukranian and I confused am with pm again, as they sort of hone into this expected American vibe and I am very German even if you don't notice, so it does not make sense I think am & pm are stupid terms just call it 12:00 and 24:00 and there is no issue...., anyway she did not show up for the date. It was a coffee date low pressure etc. It made me question my value as a guy as I derived a lot of value from my strength and physicality which has been reduced, yet still is certainly above average.
2. Girl_6 flaked on the date and deleted me liberal black girl from Bumble, overall Bumble has the worst experience so far in terms of actually meeting, Tinder I don't even get matches.
3. Girl_5 I went on a date did not escalate as I did not feel like it super date, super girl high quality beyond the average platitudes, absolutely horrible music taste, yet I did not tell her that and was curious if I could enjoy it seriously, I can I still think music like reggeaton and reggae are absolutely horrible. To rhytmic absolutely no harmony and super superficial. We are friends currently and I am shooting for gathering people to go out and have fun more. 

About Work:

I was a bit lazy and fearful, yet generally speaking everything is good, what is lacking is clarity which I am automatically gaining my asking questions, the value of clarity I notice can also burn me out, it has to come from beauty for me, I enjoy beauty and the beauty energy of girls also a lot. What bothers me about the work place is what they created to become rich, yet I doubt there is any company that is not dirty and they don't really hide it, it's just they make money of the idiocy and luck of others, because they build systems for lottery agencies, yet I am not working on any of this, generally still very art oriented & avant-garde type direction and vibe of the company. I can learn a lot what bothers me again is the level of beign alone, so I am heading to the office, and how green my office is I can't bear it at times, it makes me want to be very vulnerable and that can even be to much for greens I've meet and they regress. The people in A.I till now all seem more second tier, till the orange cravings come out etc. I have to see as I seem "powerful" to others how to deal with that, yet I am already hacked by Wilber, so it does not really work, as there are constant power imbalances minor&larger ones....

The other larger projects are for health insurances and the german criminal police etc. So there is definitely some conscious stuff, yet I notice some patterns difficult to describe due to mastery & consciouness.

About Actualized.org: 

I never really knew what to think of it as a baseline of respect and dignity was often missing and I see that daily almost in different forms. Now it's better and more respectful, and I hope Leo holds his word more often, and if something is not working or an issue clearly explains this, I will not bother in the future anymore with this type of attitude I have an issue with it due to having grown up with mostly women in my family and it was not seen as something big, so I do that differently & I have to see how to be more intentional with my words, I don't energetically follow through as I saw my mother often break etc. At tiny the most tiny fking instances of these promises and word keeping and I don't know, yet how to deal with this shadow wise. These are mostly energetic imprints or "samskaras" I am also to good to get into contact with that, that I often yearn to surrender my entire existence which is a bit to much to get into, I'd have to do this when I am more financially stable "even more". To use the work, what bothers me also is the immense language of Leo & gaslighting terms & seeing the PUA scence bring out the worst type of shadows and resentments in me, it's also an issue abot controlling. These are larger and smaller issues, I generally am quiet positive to Leo's progress etc. Also that here are many people with serious mental issue is at times bothering, yet it is what it is. 

Also my father barely could keep his words and often made this hopes and intentions, yet he is such a bitch ass I can't believe it at times. I can't respect a guy who smokes cigarettes and drinks alcohol to much. What my mother was hiding from me about him shocked me, I grew up extremely liberal and innocent. It's a serious issue especialy moderntiy can be an issue, yet it's the center of gravity. 

I also am 100% convinced that Leo is wrong with psychdelics to his abstinence of practice I can't really take what he does seriously anymore it absolutely lacks honesty and integrity from my pov, I knew that health issues could be a problem, yet to not honestly communicate that made me fundamentally loose a lot of trust in him. I often have to openly speak about my health condition, and it for me is an immense sign of weakness to not communicate this, I am sorry I don't like this as it creates issue in my process of awakening etc. I see to others real teachers who done the same and jumped of psychdelics also the issue of him not beign fully healthy distorts the realistic process for others... I don't blame him I lost trust and I am disappointed in him, I expect more honesty from him and he often does not realize how immense his impact is imo. I also feel he lost touch with how reality is like for people who are working and creates this pity-party energy at times, instead of fostering mastery causes a lot of dejective type of vibes.... 

This is what I notice personally, from beign here since 2016/2017. This insincere attitude and I notice this is similar to the "bitch face of my father" and the subtle toxic conservatism etc. He does not realize what mindviruses these people have at times who work for the goverment or police utter purity & clarity is not possible. Being more realistic with myself and honest I noticed this, yet here I am because I know how better & more chill policing truely is thanks to Germany, and how important even more important cyberintelligence is, also cannabis is soon legal here, so that is progress for the folk etc... on a deep fundamental level also etc. etc. 

About My LP: 

Utterly disconnected to much change consistently to much improvement, I'd have to nuture my connection towards god & visualize sparsely and do this unified practice nothing else really works. Also the issue of pride & other constant insight I've gathered through audiobooks and beign here & western social apathy besides at 8pm at night and when alone with a person is also dangerous, anyway dude I forget how much progress I legit made through all of this I just took stream entry on the backburner. As well as by reflecting for example like this for 1h, this is sort of my entrepreneurial journal spirit, and testing billions of options. I applied for coaching now etc.

About My Projects:

I'll make some different things, yet right now I am just happy when I can follow through on duties & commitment without convulsing internally. I had to start & stop multiple projects. Right now I work with what the company offers me & gain experience this is parents advice that stems from wisdom function. 

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I'll be meditating now and then I will stream and play the new Baldur's Gate 3 and work tomorrow, even possibly on the weekend, I struggle with stable structures and I frankly hate my mother for her instabillity and greediness to become children etc. I am also very toxic against the slightest type of materalistic type of girls where I feel she'd suck the life out of me, as I did not have a lot and I generally vibe with someone who generally had to practice graittude, yet these are often girls I'd bet who been "victims" of parental gaslighting, as only the ingrateful ones seriously start to gaslight others and take on the similar patterns. I've been ingrateful a bit, yet I generally attracted so many positive scenarios through gratitude the practice of it develops deep depth & love. 

Also this current dating hype about latin culture is a bit annoying to see the prevalence of 6w7 tendencies & even when I like the vibe I hate the music, so I never know I get bored and I bet I could puke listening to it... seriously.... latin music is by far the most unenjoyable music genere I listened to I could endure schlager more than latin music... that is a big thing to say, it's so cringe and intense it hurts so much. I am still open to it to learn.

That is fundamentally it, I sort of have to inspire myself more as I notice not many things do the trick. I'll obviously will put some limits, into my posting generally speaking, yet right now I am done I achieved my first milestone & it's very similar to the current situation & I see the scary backend for me also & the issue of over people who socialize only by rules and expectations and can't seem to let go etc. 

This set is insane. I'll currently dump the success journal, I don't enjoy a non-organic grind & even if the structure is better to much clarity can feel coercive for me. I'll drink one coffee & then meditate, I'll post about the session and do my gratitude practice etc here and shadow work the level of efficiency here for the work that I am doing is very high and I meet my needs. 

 

Edited August 16, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

This is also very good, about more journaling, he exactly describes the b.s that I am going through 99.9% of the time in my life it feels like nothing is changing and boom, welp here is the big thing you've been working on. I can't even look at my journals I at times glimpst at them and cringe myself to death and laugh at the stupidity of it. Some of it are deeper and re-occurent. 

Also the point about effort is so good, I've been so influenced by 3's in the enneagram as they embody this as it's a lack most likely that occures. I miss the more chill mechanic type of wake up do work, damn fuck I made an improvement cool. Move on. 

This is freaking excellent & he's a guy from my generation that also knows how deeply he loves humans. I clearly sense this, even if he was toxic and juvenile. I know how rigidly disgusting northern and german speaking countries are, it's a meme. 

A guy yesterday bald looked outside of the window and told us, you fking gaylords (homos deeper racism possible) fuck off (verpisst euch) from my window, he could have said it normaly and we'd be gone in 2 minutes, he kept going, yeah.

Oh yeah my bike got stolen 700€ value Germany such a safe country.... I can't believe how godless this place is, and how animalistic and introverted. My company provides a bike service, yet I don't want it to get stolen again, so I just walk currently and reduced gym time, I buy some running shoes hopefully with the next payroll. But first a drying machine....

Edited August 16, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

30 min session UM style

• Mantras felt very good to hear them generally speaking immensely good for dealing with contractions somehow it's been a while to digest contraction so wholesome

Bunch of other stuff I most likely mention in posts. Currently the dating & achievment issue & girls in dating apps all in orange dress and looking for the meritocraty benefit, if I would speak consistently the truth, people would. Overall very good to get back into the right frames etc. 

Edited August 16, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Going to stream Baldur's Gate and drink some red wine, there is such much I'd complain about you'd not believe it. I am also very good and have very fine tasting usually as long as people don't put pressure on me and the quality is actually good of the product. The cultural wine event I went to with the girl, she could not taste the difference. 

I invited a bunch of people to a rave, I love techno music and enjoy the variety of music generally speaking, I hope I can buy the electric guitar in October. A lot of quality girls on dating plattforms, yet so many angles to analyse this from. I schedule a meet up with a coach & I ask someone experienced what he thinks of this lift etc. Posting 1h session in the morning & about challenges will be great, I don't enjoy any analog writting anymore besides for thinking processes, and also buying a tablet is on my list etc. Especially, networking within the company. 

The issue is the stage blueness energy and rigidty from my old culture and the actual Yellow crunch, just expressing myself already will do 100x better, there are so many events it's crazy. I'll stream a bit later, I craved a different game due to wine and techno etc. Baldurs Gate 3 is amazingly good, yet I played already 60h of early access.

Also god apparently is a DJ for whatever reason. 

 

Edited August 16, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Let's see... the chinese girl obviously gave me a spontaneous possibility, and the only conscious PUA I ever found is travelling. The others wanted to go to a classical concert..... I'd still go, just to socialize in any possible way it feels very good to contemplate like this, I barely can speak with anyone about dating most guys and my "fitness", worst comes to worst I'll eat hotpot with the other friend again, yet Germany is such a fk*ed country. Watch as soon as cannabis get's legalized and you grow and have good stuff & go out, you're going to get laid massively. Even from Owen Cook the most chill guys who care the least get also a lot of lays. The level of maturity of so called "mature" people is also an immense issue, I believe I have only meet one mature person my entire life, there are so many unrealistic standards nowadays.

Still from now on everything should become better, the point of have's & have not's is immense imo, and stage green academia with stage orange graduates mostly. I don't know how to deal with this, many greens just run around in their circles and can't deal with Yellow complaints, the ones very yellow, tbh on average if they've never done development I don't know.... how high their IQ is, yet it's beyond way beyond the usual stuff. I also can clearly see the issue of young guys doing spirituality not exhausting orange, this shit will last till your 50's & 40's and most express this in their work most likely, the point is the center of gravity with the people I am working with is at minimum Green & not higher I have so many different type of problems. I don't even know what to do about it besides to invest in coaching and get more money. Skill development due to the heavy isolation is a super big issue, I hope this works. 

Some guys also contacted me for the stream for artwork as I thought this is beautiful, I could also test twitch services streaming on LSD, as it's legal and test the waters, as for example weed is allowed etc. Also, I really craved this it's sort of karma, and the vibe definitely runs off, of feeling & beign seen. 

For sure there are deeper ways to put things into words, I listend to the god-consciouness video on 1P-LSD & contemplated the depths of it, and the NN-DMT trip and generally other stuff, I did not go into the depths of it, as I get to existential and there is to much panic in my body stored & generally the 6'ish nature of this country makes it worse, it's a very subtle lunacy I have to get close to in order to bypass it and get to the real depths. Anyway my options are still fantastic from now on out, it's more about the work and not giving up. 

If I would not see perfection daily I'd be out I contemplated some very fking serious practice like dogzchen on my trip and just Wilbers life which is immensely hardcore way beyond the average type of post you see about some ranter. Spirituality as a whole just fking started at orange, if you don't believe me, I believe my dating apps, I've never seen this also the level of rational acceptance of it etc. Also due to the high orange professors who are enforcing green values etc. 

There are so many things I am contemplating pragmatically, for now I'll legit start my stupid little stream & chill, I'd eventually stream my guitar practice, it just feels very good to be seen, even if it is just myself alone without any "cultural historical dogma" I don't vibe very well it green academics they regress to often, and can't provide the level of clarity, especially girls are stuck at a mostly masculine energy and often relax around Yellow as this provides more clarity, some are already more yellowish~ yet currently I frankly gave up on creating these LC's and just live more intutively it felt to much of experts type of work etc. I've read and listend to a lot of it, do you remember the lecture or the course you did 10 months ago? No! 

Only through deep connections & learning & I hopefully get around implementing these principles, yet to long breaks can be detrimental. I'd have to see currently the contractive type focus of my practice is immensely beneficial I let go of so many subtle self & ego strands with these techniques in my physical body -> identification with breath, identification with inflated lungs, cerebellum etc. A doctor could even give more clarity, yet this is as good as it is. 

Friday I meet my trainer for the gym there is a bunch of stuff I'll have to apply to & I might not have as much time, generally speaking engineers should realize the current predicament etc. Many are also workaholics without admitting it, I don't enjoy this life & I will do my best to create some level of automation & or chill mangerial enviroment, as managing is one strength, I have to see. The welcome days of the company I was working at showed me wow, dude these people are all lower in educational standard and have these positions by beign socially very intelligent, I don't have the advantage of doing sports locally, so I have to see and be ready for networking etc. Also to pick the right projects & relaxing also. These endlessly long journals whatever bullshit it is, it feels partially so good to have my brain of focusing on this self in breath and physicallity omfg, you can't believe it when you daily notice subtles pains of injury and scar since birth etc. How much self there is in there is insane, and how much I deconstructed already is already more insane etc. 

Anyway, I'll finally stream now and play some Baldurs Gate 3, I won my little game I eventually post pictures of my office etc. It's quiet sick imo. I have a lamp with a lan cable, free bionade, fritz-cola, mars, snickers, fruits -> immense level of fruits plums, pfirsisch sorry, pears, apples, bannana, other stuff I don't even know about, and there are many events. The rating of the company is 4.2 from 5.0 on Glassdoor, so it's quiet good most complain about pay, yet the company culture is the best thing, they offer to work in different countries and give their best to be avant-garde. I hope the Fortbildungen pay off in the long-run and I could work as software-architect in the U.S and earn 350k minimum and 550k maximum a year, and then still do stuff on the side. They currently even pay a machine learning engineer as project manager 950k and a ups driver 170k?? Like america is one weird ass country. I'll legit see what I can do due to the fitness injury I have a major vision crash, and I can become to arrogant when I am not grounded. Grounding for me is deep exercise and deep meditation session where I feel the body & the outside world. I stablize to much of it, and I become ignorant etc. 

Anyway, let' see what works this journal will bring a lot of stability.

I can't believe this ridiculous song is called preset heaven.

I am so glad I don't have to listen to the debauchery of historical music in an extremely modern perspective, I don't enjoy it I can enjoy classical music, yet one word if it's not rap music or a very good song and I can't listen to it. 

The sort of ingrained ... "racial" feelings.... I get from listening to cultural music is at times not good for me it reminds me of to much b.s I don't enjoy and I can't do much about like poverty, racism etc. There is only so much I can do and I choose the inspirational side of things. 

For example:

 

But Ed Sheran again is freaking goated. I am just not good at finding the proper stuff, yet I don't know.

I generally enjoy high-vibe stuff & sort of connect to the black culture of America etc. and fundamentally my blood? What am I supposed to say? This is stuff I'd love to learn how to play, I would love to know if you could play trance & hip-hop on an e-guitar. 

This all reminds me of good journey music and feelings of abundance in music, without any syntheziers etc. As well as this connects me to my notion of better rock music, non-class evoking subcontexts. At least for me. 

Edited August 16, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's so weird someone legit thanked me and told me I am doing well, I barely had any bio etc. I have now 5 followers wow! I don't even know why, yet it is what it is. People really are looking for a way to destress without the hypermateralism and sex & stress etc. and the subtle competition when so many people live together etc.  

Edited August 16, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Posting briefly before heading into the office, currently the girls on dating apps and how ingrateful many of them creater their profile just overall creates the issue of hatred. Many suddenly turned "mindfulness" as a trait they want, I don't know why I've been practicing this & doing retreats for years, 98% don't have any idea they equate it with wellness and serotonin, yet don't know this. 

I'll do a gratitude journal and meditate at the company they have a space for this:

I am grateful I am not an ingrateful brat who is just angry and demands and never accomplished anything on her own
I am grateful that I've worked myself out of various cirumstances where others would have quit
I am thankful & grateful for new guy & girlfriends a like and the chinese girl especially and chinese girls especially for beign extremely open-minded
I am thankful I don't consciously evoke race by any possible idea & don't hide the fact or idea of it, I am thankful I react less and less to the stupidity of humanity
I am thankful I meet humans face to face and enjoy the realness of it all
I am thankful that the company I am working at has good spirit and that I don't engage with nagging unrealistic girls & arrogant inflated academic brats

[ValiantSalvatore]

22 min session:

Good contraction other stuff in background a lot of beauty stuff and hatred & mechanics in that sense. Group think and the average none higher consciousness dogma that you can find with arrogant & regressive green & delusional orange 

 

At work in my break ~

 

No holism like in China collectively this felt and acted more like turquoise & yellow 

 

Edited August 17, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Texting again from work, yet this time from my pc I worked late to read the current paper that I am reading, I'll hope to get started today was very good, a proper deepr refelction did not occure as much, I notice often the more submissive body-language of mine due to the hierachical 6'ish nature even when I am above others and the subtle shaming of black ppl, as they seriously evoke some mechanics that evoke status, authority & power just organically. 
 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I dunno what is up with girls at times, yet astrophysics is new to me, the one day I am more on my purpose the dating apps in the last second gave me some result. The irony of not yearning, desering & wanting results. Just pure coincidental abundance. I had to laugh for the first time, at someones profile. Would you rather bring back slavery or suck gorilla dick all day, like what kind of questions is that? Bring back slavery . 

I'll be streaming some baldur's gate 3 I've never felt so good, for a longtime and the level of grounded stabillity by not having things broken & I can work on my shadows in this security amazing... tomorrow is a bit stressful, yet it's fine stress can be positive! 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Tomorrow gym talk, let's hope for the best people are going to annoy me with compliments, and act of personality & character. In the near future, overall I prefer a chill character no matter the depth consistent conflict just prevents depth and consistent stimulation also it's not organic. 

Dry thingy, Pad, Clothes & accessories, shooting.

Otherwise I don't really need more. Put in good work & don't befriend the childish office... it's not my forte to deal with children, I am glad when I can express my inner child and don't shock people with exhuberant energy and penetration of depth. 

I also need the right kind of people, we don't have an 8 in the office... 

5w4, 4w5 or 1w9, no 9w1... I yapped about this so long, yet I have one in my team which is so good & she also has a cold energy type which is so good omg, possibly also 1w9 with 6w7 influence or 6w7. My boss is 9w1 infp.

There is a 8w9 esfj a 6w5 infj... isXX & other stuff. Character design by Alexandria. Human culture has never been so boring I lost all interest to it it's so often the same I. Different colors, some originality is cool & key though.

Edited August 17, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Meeting a trainer for the 4th time this year to work on my gym sessions, the not so conscious enviroment does not make it easy to get into the heights of a workout and sustain it, it's a different kind of unconsciouness than from my hometown, my hometown is more consciously sensationalist seeking and generally had more trained chill & succesful people, yet the gym felt very narrow and small in contrast to this one. It's more of a mediocore spacious unconsciousness, weird to say. I'll drink a coffee and then head out, today is the last day to apply for seminars, talked to the only conscious game dude I ever found, the new video could be to try-hard, yet I did this effortless my other friend also does not know they all are more intune with not feeling ashamed to participate in this culture, while many nerds are very reluctant and arrogant, it has no use in this space. It's not open-minded also & the nuance of taking these pictures is already part of the art of photography -> & better skill. 

Gratitude Journal:

I am thankful for feeling more relaxed
I am thankful for the new matches and generally the last week a super attractive girl & two blonde girls liking me, I am generally thankful for blonde people I've recently meet in my life they have been the most non-judgemental & fun people to talk to
I am thankful that liberal delusional and arrogant immature people stay away from me who are acting classist and are enacting a regressive version of blue & us v.s them mentality, many girls are unable to stay neutral nowadays and mostly the unpoltical ones can pull it off, I am grateful for any neutral person cognitively from yellow.
I am grateful for streaming baldur's gate someone wants to hook me up apprently with a well-known streamer for whatever reason
I am thankful for even if I am not the greatest at it yet to follow through and be popular and converse with all kinds of people

I'll meditate later 20 min's I meet the trainer.  14:30 Sprint

Edited August 18, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Back from the gym, I thought about also mentioning coincidences in a brief way more categorically.

Medicore-Huge Synch -> American-Filipino in Germany as trainer, also has injury gave me a contact and info where I could lift better, generally made me stay in the gym, as it can get to rough at certain times.

Meditating at one point. Going to chill meditate & then work & stream at the end of the day. Beign more in purpose is good, the plan is quite rough, so it definitely pays off, anway.
 

Learning from this podcast.

Don't really know what info to extract:

Fundamentally red pillers are bitter white knights in their own way & Jordan Peterson dating advice is like getting dating advice from a powerlifter
Girls crave a guy who listens? Idk, I've burnt out listening to people. What can I say to that? More face-time simply and more casual & conscious communication and networking is simply the best thing, and also the non-excitatory type of convos like american style more organic. 

Edited August 18, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Dude I am confused. I am done now with the work students thingy for the amount of hours I'd work on this, yet I could create so much freaking goodness, yet I have to see and befriend the people to get smth. started otherwise, I am not learning, I can legit now do what I yearned to do build deep skill & build deep connections. 

But gosh you'd not believe the "sterotypical & flat out ray ray type of energies" like omfg & projections as soon as a "classic" white knight sort of is there and projects etc. Also these projections certainly left their mark regardless if I am aware of them or not, there is resistance & a lack of wisdom in dealing with them. I notice also more how I can create the better life I yearned for. The biggest issue I am facing is efficiency & not overworking myself, and social skills, there are some hinderance. Conscious communication is easy, yet non conditioned interactions are by far the hardest thing to do being playful & organic is not easy, especially in a work enviroment with expectations. I thought multiple things & why I'd generally prefer working with open-minded people who have an incling of consciouness to them, and are not power hungry enslavers. That is very evident, also girls automatically create this way a way way more holistic organisational structure. Let's see how well I can work inside out, I am not going to mention what I could mention, as it does not fully apply, yet I'd have to see.

I know why authorities are damaging generally speaking & the difficulty of manging organically is immense, I automatically refert to a lot of stage orange & red power drops to negate subtle racism & sterotypical projections out of ape curiosity and worldviews. I don't respect it. Many of gen-y don't respect this imo gen-z can have even dumber projections like, all black guys get girls & are sexually more potent etc. This was a mockery in gen-y mostly and taken as a "gaslighting joke", I am way to serious with this shit also. I can tolerate some of it, it's easier when another black person is there with this humour should it occure, as I can just make fun of the b.s & laugh at the truths & non-truths of it. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also, I don't know if this is real the one follower of my stream said he's friends with a big streamer & he's legit a pro player of my favorite game in brasil this is so random, for a very big org. I can't believe this, I wondered why brazil was haunting me in chess with 2 moves to check mate I legit developed an anxiety playing against people from brasil. Somehow this stopped, yet this is the weirdest synchronicity I don't know if he's fake, yet he sent me the discord of the famous person. It's odd, I've always dealt better with people who have real status, yet I also at best have it, sometimes I can be to much of a wuss. 

Also many of this cultural projections that don't really fit and it's all based on IQ and intelligence either positve and or negative it's a bit of an issue and progressive, veganism is not progressive in my pov & I generally connect with more common sense people who value intuition, the current issue is their authority as I question this immensely. 

I deleted both of my journals and could have sent my twitch stream with 140k mostly "organically generated", just to chill & hang with people as I lacked social connections, dude I am such a perfectionist I tried to synchronize the heart rate with my fps in video games. It's ridiculous playing with consciouness in that sense & deep physical training & skill ingame. I am still a newb mostly. I often miss some basic fundamentals I fixed this also, mostly yet it legit is an odd perspective of efficiency. 

Edited August 18, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Applied for my seminars, generally working on stuff, I feel better about consciously planning, I don't enjoy my current dating options, yet I notice the gain in confidence, I don't know if it based on culture etc, yet if I legitamtely earned money I feel way better about myself, especially if it's something where I have more love in & I am legit get paid to gain experience. Let's hope for the best I am restricting the domain as much as possible, the company even offer udemy courses, so it's not that much of a difference, they changed some stuff and gave it more credit points, so I dunno I have to recalculate as this would give me an extra course, thanks to the NLP boost, it's most likely one of the first tech that is massively applied. Then cameras, yet who knows. Maybe robots are there first in terms of fully automated stuff. I could learn to appreciate the love for technology deeper. 

Anything else? I'll meditate most likely on stream at the end of it. I thought about soft tripping today, I also had fun for the first time cooking, as I did not feel like an unhealthy idiot spending money on food just to fit into the group. I have to be careful at times I am not the type of person who keeps his mouth shut, especially in uhealthy power balances. The head engineer also was a bit to much into fantasy land of ray ray power king, generally the hierachy of flat hierachy is being taken so fking serious, that I automatically implement a holism and 9w1 girl really likes it, there are so many oddities in perception. Also very fking good opportunities, when I act smart and smarter than smart, yet I don't think I can work 60h a week, my yearly goals I can almost do them from anew again, I don't know how people can have consistent goals. I have to tweak them again. I prefer process goals usually, also orange is still a very strong force, yet basically not many leaders are orange till now this is what baffled me, only the people who take pride to their work are stuck in the orange slavery of existence, I dunno. 

Also feels good to meet someone from russia again, who is not as biased & just human, also feels good to have a PO, who has healthy yin quality, I often bring more yang presence then I thought, the issue is green gaslighting and group-thinking and generally you'd have to have an INFP or ENFJ as leader etc. To deal with this juvenile green arrogance and naivty the level of yin energy in legit as slavery and feudalist ... legit... & classit perceptions that might have worked in the 80's even 90's yet not in 2020's... also the level of "integrity" is questionable from all sides at times. I ask people a lot of stuff, a lot & there is no true clarity. Some overdo this & enslave others with this sh*t. I am glad I found two people I resonate well within the projects in theory all, I just will not react well to certain games, if you're interested in asking me about reality & we are intern and cool, you'd witness some very very open lines, I don't have the energy for this level of creativity, also and development of depth. 

I'll be streaming now, one of my friends will most likely have one of his first threesomes, and the dude just organically get's stuff & he likes all of this german sterotypical stuff where I give him a bored look, yet going out with him at times I don't comprehend. Yet, if you can afford to be so sloppy & I at times don't have the energy and or principle to persuade and convince people. This is mostly it. Let's hope for the best, I'd need to do some calculations again for how many semesters it's going to take. What robs me the most energy is cooking, buying groecery, not having anything joyous to look out for (beer with a friend, deep talk with a friend, getting laid, retreats etc.) I miss giving others depth of consciouness by energy, yet that is also a tricky karmic business. 

Otherwise I have to see the newer new friends are more like me the issue can be freedom as a value going to hard in that paint in that area is counter-productive to freedom, definitely more networking proper working. I also dunno I'd be curious if my friend who just does this naturally get's more online-dates & lays or the friend I meet from game. Yet, he clearly has better game, I have never seen someone so fearless & fast in social situations, that's surreal, yet all eyes on me afterwards, as I am usually the cool Begleiter, but yo these projections are unreal at times. It would have been better to learn spanish also and not french generally speaking. I'll be streaming now tomorrow working & scheduling I'll meditate on stream eventually post here & do shadow work by typing again mostly. The breathing is very good, yet I get into some modes where I am to much into ..... I don't like to go there, as I'd not know what I'd be doing & this place feels fking violent & murderous, if I had to describe the energy and depth of that feeling. 

Also this childish engineer mockery, I'll end this & if I have to innoculate a nerf gun with tranquliziers I do it, just you shut up about wounding shame type inner child. To make fun of others skill unskillfully is one of the worst traits you can have. Emotions are pretty real, yet also moderation is good. 

Edited August 18, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Did 30 minutes of this on stream:

Talked about my process as a feedback mechanism. I notice setting intentions is best, the guy was also for real he sent me the discord of an ex lol pro player and I am chatting with him. I also thought about how important it is to not reveal anything and the luminosity type energy I've felt so badly & the gaslighting type of darkness and inabillity to be neutral pure neutrality. 

That is about it. I also felt hurt that the forum has corrupted the process of awakening with it's immature attitude immensely, it's the same type of subtle derogatory thinking, acting & doing I see at work when group-think of "white people" kicks-in, this is not neutralized. I am also a bit to advanced they have at times a very regressive perspective, which makes me subconsciously doubt myself without having any reason to. 

That is why hopeful perfectionists in themselves can be good, felt a very strong impetus to be conscious as a human and get dates that way, and to get into the depth of consciouness. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Multiple issues & angles. Definitely a style upgrade would be good, also another intuitive connection, not going to mention this. 

Otherwise I have to change my clothing & image, that way I don't like the professional stage blue dressing. Ideally I'll look into some fashion & even apply for the modeling thing the career guy recommended me. 

Sports wise it's going to be tricky to get into the masculine, stretching overall could be a goal, I could record here. A lot of current perceptions of mine are quiet accurate. 

I focused also on minimizing and optimizing a lot, there are something's I'd still optimize, yet for now I am glad & happy if I go out & buy or eat food once a week & otherwise cook etc. I still struggle with commiting to harder courses as I tend to not recall patterns as deeply & I don't see the sense of it & don't enjoy the libertarian arrogance of many engineers. If German engineering continuous & the eu grows larger america might have a bigger competitor which is good. If all goes well I do a course via the company within the area of A.I. I also feel a bit better as I do have to connect with many on a green level. It's odd what people expect as well as how engineers treat each other, especially older ones I'd like to change it for the better. High emotional self-control would be awesome if their neurons would have 2-3 tads more mindfulness. 

Otherwise a more well-rounded attitude towards technology itself would be good. I don't have that much joy in the practical @ times if engineers continue to be that dumb & low socially skilled I either become their manager & eventually po or consulting. I am not letting myself be insulted in that manner.

Otherwise all A.I engineers more have been good, yet the arrogant gen-y with their inability to see how damaging their memes are. I've seen pretty good ones recently & non-judgemental. 

Also while nuturing my self-expression again, I can dive deeper into tech things. I'll be very very careful with orange. With a bit more integrity I'll easily lead greens, older greens can be an issue due to respect, that should go fast with me though. I am not a disrespectful person. 

Tomorrow I meet an online-dating coach & I see what I can do there the course I did, was good, it's mostly pictures. Hm....

I also had a deeper desire to get into real skill development & some stretching 30 mins a day can be good for me for squats and deeper meditation sits. I can stomach the tech crunch that way better. & I prefer to life from deeper intuitions. It's odd to say I don't really consciously think mostly the architecture & patterns of connection come to me. 

Having deep conscious & skill is good, my heart was also hurting after doing LSD & 2-3 days later working out. Same happened before a couple of weeks ago I'd be advised to slow done after tripping. Otherwise, there is one thing I'd like to implement & that is a kindle & tablet generally. I don't find much joy in reading that much it evokes a lot of arrogance and fear. With more truer friends I feel I can read more again, I don't like it not to share. Let's see... 

Also I noticed cleaning my Appartement & a la Peterson making my bed. I get burn out & depressions partially from to much order, as my head consistently manages time. It's intense at times. I could build a truly masculine life style based on consciousness & I'd personally also say a aesthetically pleasing girl works like nature it's an opening to consciousness. Human emotions are a bit different. What I'd certainly like to see is me being smart with money. I should listen to real people in the field where I feel fuck yes intuition & not skeptical knausery. That somehow never worked. Otherwise I am glad more men communities pick on Tate & Peterson. I definitely also have to see to get rid of German cultural Nazis in a 5w4 aristocrat spectrum most disgusting shit, evokes very very disgusting notions of sexual play. I don't know what 5 has been proofing when 4 already did not give a damn. Risk-Aversion missing totally. Random shit. I am out. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CuVxgs8r3WB/?igshid=YTUzYTFiZDMwYg==

These gym memes are so good that I am seeing recently, overall Instagram is quiet the chill plattform imo.

[ValiantSalvatore]

No idea, what the pro player can provide for tips generally speaking, they both seemed very orange in nature and optimization oriented, so I dunno if what they talk about is something I could possibly know & do myself which I partially already did & could buy on Udemy.

I am way to honest & real when I get opportunities like this, let's see. 

Edited August 19, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore