Are relationships hard work?

[lizz_luna]

So, I have been in one 2 year relationship and I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now. I am starting to realize more and more the effort involved in conscious relationships as well as the value of commitment and going through difficulties and navigating discomfort in a relationship. (I would usually just run away from relationships when things got hard, so I am healing lots, and learning to rewrite old patterns which has been HARD.)

I think I have been super brainwashed into this unrealistic idea of romanticized relationships, as well as in the "spiritual" community with things  like "following the path of least resistance", "should be easy" etc. etc.

My question is, what is a good balance between those perspectives? and are relationships hard work? or should they actually be more of a flow, "naturally working"?

I value challenge and growth more than comfort so I understand the value of discomfort and challenges, however I am very sensitive, so when things are not easy its intense for me. 

Thoughts on building conscious long term relationships?

Edited August 15, 2023 by lizz_luna
grammar mistakes

[integral]

Yes there hard because it forces you to grow up.

It is true doe that if you date someone more developed and that your more naturally compatible with its significantly easier. 

The way your describing it is 2 people clashing a lot over there masculine and feminine differences and not accepting each other they way they are. Its the most common issue in all heterosexual relationships.

 

Edited August 15, 2023 by integral

[integral]

39 minutes ago, lizz_luna said:

My question is, what is a good balance between those perspectives? and are relationships hard work? or should they actually be more of a flow, "naturally working"?

When your mature enough you handle everything in the relationship from such a high vantage point that it becomes alot easier. It completely depends on the level of development you and your partner are at.

Usually the more developed person in the relationship needs to compensate more and needs to guide things to there destination, but because there more developed they have a large capacity to do so with out burning out.

The second point is natural compatibility goes along way. If you date someone very similar to you, that thinks like you and has similar life style its 100x easier to live together.

I suggest reading books like Integral Relationships to get a better idea of how to co-exist and then co-create with a partner. 

Edited August 15, 2023 by integral

[lizz_luna]

@integral

1 hour ago, integral said:

When your mature enough you handle everything in the relationship from such a high vantage point that it becomes alot easier. It completely depends on the level of development you and your partner are at.

Usually the more developed person in the relationship needs to compensate more and needs to guide things to there destination, but because there more developed they have a large capacity to do so with out burning out.

The second point is natural compatibility goes along way. If you date someone very similar to you, that thinks like you and has similar life style its 100x easier to live together.

I suggest reading books like Integral Relationships to get a better idea of how to co-exist and then co-create with a partner. 

Thank you, my partner and I share some core values yet also don't, for example, love being a fundamental value of mine, and I don't see my partner valuing it as much which builds resentment overtime as I feel completely misunderstood. We are very masculine and feminine polarized too so its both complementary and triggering. We are very compatible and also very not in other aspects. Mostly spiritually I feel more naturally attuned and connected. He is truly open but also not something he naturally works towards (evolving spiritually). Or maybe his way to evolve spiritually looks different to mine. Any thoughts/projections you notice? 

Do you have any recommendations on Integral relationships books?

[integral]

33 minutes ago, lizz_luna said:

love being a fundamental value of mine, and I don't see my partner valuing it as much which builds resentment overtime as I feel completely misunderstood

If your not feeling loved in the relationship then there might be a love language miss match (the 5 love languages). Is the issue your love language is physical touch and his isn't? So your not receiving daily gestures of hugs, kissis and understanding you crave? 

33 minutes ago, lizz_luna said:

We are very masculine and feminine polarized too so its both complementary and triggering.

At higher levels of development people find balance between the masculine and feminine within themselves until the polarity is transcended. As in they embody the healthy traits of both or can transition from one polarity to another easily depending on the situation as needed.

Men make the mistake of not switching to a caring/empathetic/understanding role when there partner is in need of it (Feminine energy) because they are stuck in a problem solving mode trying to find solutions and woman make the mistake of not switching to a self-improvement/intellectual/self-reflection discussion mode when the man is in need of it (as women can feel like personal discussions are a form of critisms and are emotional stuck defending instead of discussing the ideas in a healthy way) (Masculine energy). 

Again got to learn to play both instruments as part of your repertoire! 

33 minutes ago, lizz_luna said:

Mostly spiritually I feel more naturally attuned and connected. He is truly open but also not something he naturally works towards (evolving spiritually). Or maybe his way to evolve spiritually looks different to mine. Any thoughts/projections you notice? 

Men or the masculine drive is attracted to the path of spirituality that is a ascending agentic path while women or the feminine drive is attracted to the path of spirituality that is a descending communal path. So he is going to be more mind/creation focused and your going to be more feeling/intuitive/body/soul focused. 

Here is a more detailed overview taken from the book: Integral Relationships by Martin Ucik.

Another book you might also enjoy that will help push your boundares is: Integral Spirituality by Ken Wilber. 

Edited August 15, 2023 by integral

[Michael569]

19 hours ago, lizz_luna said:

My question is, what is a good balance between those perspectives? and are relationships hard work? or should they actually be more of a flow, "naturally working"?

Yes, stable and prosperous relationships require work. The same way your children, your work, your purpose, your health and your spirituality require tons of work. If you commit to another person and want to make it long-term, it is impossible to get there without an incredible amount of deliberate action. 

But the rewards you get exceed what you put into it. And I'm not talking about regular sex, that's actually not even on the top of those benefits. If you are with a mature person you help each other grow and prosper and you create something that is strong, reliable and that you don't see anyone around you having. 

Obviously, if you want to have children, family and stability without a life of drama, infidelity, traumatised children and flying plates, only a healthy relationship will get you there. 

The notion that relationship should be all charm and buzzing is mostly based on the initial spark of horniness when people can't get their hands of eachother. Once that passes the real work begins. This is where a lot of people would say "I don't feel it anymore, I don't think I love him/her anymore" -and they break up.  This is a typical error in relationship psychology. They didn't stop loving, Loving another person is totally different, its not about humping eachother in a bedroom 3 times a day. Loving another person never goes away as long as you are willing to put work into it. 

As Scott Peck describes it Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth... Love is as love does. Love is an act of will -- namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.” - Road Less Travelled , Chapter 2 (well worth reading btw) 

Take it as someone who has been in a relationship for almost 13 years. We got engaged recently and I've never looked back. With each year and all the work we've put in, the bond has got stronger, more mature and more prosperous. We've helped each other grow so much over the years. We've become like an extension of one another. Sure, there were occasional thunderstorms over the years, sometimes you disagree, sometimes you have small argument - but those go as quick as they come. We've had so many incredible experiences, adventures and journeys together that I could write a 10,000 page book and I'd happily go back to any of those and relive them again. 

I pity the folks who are afraid of relationships and spend their time and money chasing one-night stands and get from one relationship to another. The thing they are chasing , deep down, is the thing that ONLY a stable relationship can give you, they just don't know it. 

 

 

Edited August 16, 2023 by Michael569

[lizz_luna]

@Michael569 Thank you so much for sharing. Do you find yourself having intrusive thoughts about the relationship? I went through a very intense period full of self sabotage and intrusive thoughts about my relationship.

The relationship is truly good and when I am with this person we find really good understanding, however, eventually I have these thoughts of wanting to pull away. I have done lots and lots of inner work. I used to be very reactive and emotional and I am learning to have more self control, free will and exploration of fear, love, etc. I have felt alone in these topics as I don't want to bring a narrative of fear in my relationship but haven't been able to empathize with others about these scary thoughts and feelings that might surface. (Besides from therapy and a good close friend that is in long term relationship)

So far what I do is sitting with the discomfort, learning to breath through challenges, embrace the feeling, express it in a healthy contained setting and choose an action that is in alignment with what I want to create in my relationship. Do you have any suggestions, tips, on how to navigate challenges in relationships? Also, what's a healthy way to view a relationship/what are the benefits of being in a committed relationship on your own experience?

[integral]

@lizz_luna

 

[lizz_luna]

20 hours ago, integral said:

If your not feeling loved in the relationship then there might be a love language miss match (the 5 love languages). Is the issue your love language is physical touch and his isn't? So your not receiving daily gestures of hugs, kissis and understanding you crave? 

@integral Damn man, thank you so much for all your responses. They are always really helpful and this comment truly supported me. I have been wanting to get the book about integral relationships for a while, what is the biggest impact it has had on your life?

 Our main love language is physical contact and there is a lot of good understanding there, I think it is simply a mismatch in "terminology". My partner is extremely open minded and in fact, we share some deep core beliefs like direct experience as fundamental in our experience of reality, and we love to philosophy, and expand each other's minds and concepts.

I think the trap is I am definitively more new agey and its me "wanting" him to meet me there. I haven't been able to fully identify WHY do I want to be met in that sense, maybe I am overly identifying myself with those beliefs, and wanting to be comfortable in my own ideologies.

Anyways thank you so much

 

[koops]

Should be simple most of the time.

But some fights/arguments/though times will occur. You should be able to handle those and learn how to use it to grow as a couple.

 

[integral]

On 8/16/2023 at 10:53 AM, lizz_luna said:

I think the trap is I am definitively more new agey and its me "wanting" him to meet me there. I haven't been able to fully identify WHY do I want to be met in that sense, maybe I am overly identifying myself with those beliefs, and wanting to be comfortable in my own ideologies.

Alot of the time people can feel like there ideas are a reflection of them and so when someone suggests alternatives ideas it can feels like a personal attack. Ideally the person introducing new ideas has to communicate it in a non-violent healthy way. When men socialize they tend to require alot less filters and speak more bluntly while when speaking to someone more sensitive its better to first address the feeling dimension.

In general the premise of the conversation has to switch from "these are my ideas and does are his ideas" to "we are exploring ideas together".