Psychosis and its relation to the Godhead (in my case)

[KatiesKarma]

I, as most of you, went trough life geniuenly believing in Materialism and Evolution. Never ever would I have believed I could potentially have psychotic tendencies until a random Thursday in March Corona year 2020 dramatically changed my life when I had an existential crisis and a severe emotional breakdown. My heart felt like someone stabbed one thousand knives into it and murdered me.

The reason was I felt so utterly alone, bored, abandoned and pointless in my own existence that my ego committed suicide and ever since then I have ZERO ACCESS to my geniuene emotions. My perception changed 100%. Everything looked evil and dead all of a sudden.

Around this time I stumbled upon Leo who then told me "You are God". This information went straight to my heart and it clicked, but I was terrified and couldn't really do much with this information so I abandoned it, it always stuck with me though.

...........................

What do you think happens when someone can literally not feel anything for years on end? Well you guessed at some point I became literally insane. My ego did not only "commit suicide" it fucking went insane, nuts.

At some point I saw 666 everywhere daily. Leo was the antichrist, I could see horns grow out of his skull. Every spiritual guru was the devil trying to lure me into falsehood. In fact, the devil had already killed me by making me commit the eternal sin of Blaspheming the Spirit. I geniuenly believed that by the end of a certain year the world would go literally under and aliens would come down to kill and torture all of us. I thought I would get crucified upside down. I was scared of looking in the sky. At some point I tasted rotten flesh on my tongue. I was fucking dead. Or so I thought.

..............

On one hand I had the "evidence" that this was happening because I kept seeing the signs everywhere continually. On the other hand it felt so fucking stupid. How could creation ever kill the creator? Was God fucking evil? I constantly thought that this must be total garbage. 

At some point I broke down wheeping, l told all of this my christian ex boyfriend. I gave him so much evidence yet he would not believe me. "God cannot die nor commit suicide" he would say.

Then, I smoked cannabis by chance and out of nowhere I thought "What if I am just dreaming? I am God. I am trolling myself to realize who I am. Infinity"

The hallucinations stopped, just like that. 

I was in three institutions due to this condition, no therapy in the world could ever help me. Truth did.

I have hope. I can breathe again. I am free. I can heal myself and achieve literally anything I want. 

TDLR: I just trolled myself to realize who I am. It worked. Also, mental illness will make your awakening shit.

Edited August 7, 2023 by KatiesKarma

[KatiesKarma]

Guys after writing this my heart started racing and my perception became more 3D like. Crazy

[Michal__]

I went through something similiar five years ago.

While it was terrible, it kickstarted my spiritual life.

For me it got better because I started doing a lot of concentration excersises.

In Theravada terms you experienced A&P (arising and passing - amazing spontaneous, enjoyable spiritual experiences) and the dukkha nanas (the dark night of the soul, in Christian terms).

The bad news is that this cycle will repeat itself again. And again. Many times. With changing intensity, length etc.
The good news is that if you get all this mental content out of your head with tons of meditation, contemplation and psychedelics you will permanently lock in a state that is comparable to the Buddhas enlinghtenment.

Read "Contemplative Fitness" by Kenneth Folk (a short, very useful text, that will explain what is going on).

If you have more time then read Mastering The Core Teaching of The Buddha by Daniel Ingram. Not an easy read, but useful, since his awakening was spontaneous too (similiar to yours and mine, with the bad parts too) and he took meditation extremely far and pernamently flipped a switch.

Edited August 7, 2023 by Michal__

[UnbornTao]

I would avoid making up cosmologies and stories. There's no relationship. Enlightenment is never insanity. A breakthrough isn't a breakdown.

[Leo Gura]

@KatiesKarma God is an infinite mind that is constantly dreaming. It's very important what you focus your mind on, especially in mystical states, because you will literally be manifesting that reality/dream. So when a mystical experience opens up your consciousness your job is to guide your mind towards positive images and thoughts. Towards dreams that you want to materialize rather than nightmares. If you keep letting your mind wander into nightmarish thought-land then eventually you will end up in a living nightmare. Or you could change that direction towards beauty and love.

So an important part of this work is purifying your mind, letting go of mental tendencies which take you into nightmarish directions. Why are you dreaming up devils when you could dreaming up angels? Ask yourself that.

Of course Consciousness is fully capable of dreaming up demons and devils and much worse. Consciousness is unlimited in what it can imagine. But this does not mean that you must allow your mind to veer down such dark alleys. Only if you want to.

Edited August 7, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Holykael]

16 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@KatiesKarma God is an infinite mind that is constantly dreaming. It's very important what you focus your mind on, especially in mystical states, because you will literally be manifesting that reality/dream. So when a mystical experience opens up your consciousness your job is to guide your mind towards positive images and thoughts. Towards dreams that you want to materialize rather than nightmares. If you keep letting your mind wander into nightmarish thought-land then eventually you will end up in a living nightmare. Or you could change that direction towards beauty and love.

So an important part of this work is purifying your mind, letting go of mental tendencies which take you into nightmarish directions. Why are you dreaming up devils when you could dreaming up angels? Ask yourself that.

Of course Consciousness is fully capable of dreaming up demons and devils and much worse. Consciousness is unlimited in what it can imagine. But this does not mean that you must allow your mind to veer down such dark alleys. Only if you want to.

You don't control your mind. If you controlled your mind god would never be able to manifest nightmares. God loves nightmares as much as it loves dreams. There's nothing you can do but accept it and surrender to what is planned out for you. 

God can't manifest infinity with a finite entity in "control". 

 

Edited August 7, 2023 by Holykael

[Leo Gura]

@Holykael You'd be surprised how much you can steer your mind from negative to positive thinking. Most of you guys have developed life-long habits of negative, toxic minds.

If you wanted to, you could horrify yourself right now just by sitting down for an hour and conjuring up horrible images in your mind. Or you could do the opposite.

You CAN think positive thoughts. Don't act like you can't.

Edited August 7, 2023 by Leo Gura

[KatiesKarma]

@Holykael I think so too, in the end I had to accept the idea of eternal hell for literally no other reason other than a psychopath God

[KatiesKarma]

20 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@KatiesKarma God is an infinite mind that is constantly dreaming. It's very important what you focus your mind on, especially in mystical states, because you will literally be manifesting that reality/dream. So when a mystical experience opens up your consciousness your job is to guide your mind towards positive images and thoughts. Towards dreams that you want to materialize rather than nightmares. If you keep letting your mind wander into nightmarish thought-land then eventually you will end up in a living nightmare. Or you could change that direction towards beauty and love.

So an important part of this work is purifying your mind, letting go of mental tendencies which take you into nightmarish directions. Why are you dreaming up devils when you could dreaming up angels? Ask yourself that.

Of course Consciousness is fully capable of dreaming up demons and devils and much worse. Consciousness is unlimited in what it can imagine. But this does not mean that you must allow your mind to veer down such dark alleys. Only if you want to.

I think the reasons for this are just mystical. Maybe God wanted to just show me what my mind can do to itself. In the end I just surrendered now matter how terrifying...

In childhood I saw a documentary about hell and was indoctrinated with it a bit but not enough to really justify what happened to me for months on end

I am also theorizing that I have a personality disorder where two sub personalities are within my subconscious, one of these personalities is definitely insane because it keeps showing me horrifying demons and more toxic rotten garbage.  I push these thoughts away but I don't understand the root cause of them.

[KatiesKarma]

37 minutes ago, Michal__ said:

I went through something similiar five years ago.

While it was terrible, it kickstarted my spiritual life.

For me it got better because I started doing a lot of concentration excersises.

In Theravada terms you experienced A&P (arising and passing - amazing spontaneous, enjoyable spiritual experiences) and the dukkha nanas (the dark night of the soul, in Christian terms).

The bad news is that this cycle will repeat itself again. And again. Many times. With changing intensity, length etc.
The good news is that if you get all this mental content out of your head with tons of meditation, contemplation and psychedelics you will permanently lock in a state that is comparable to the Buddhas enlinghtenment.

Read "Contemplative Fitness" by Kenneth Folk (a short, very useful text, that will explain what is going on).

If you have more time then read Mastering The Core Teaching of The Buddha by Daniel Ingram. Not an easy read, but useful, since his awakening was spontaneous too (similiar to yours and mine, with the bad parts too) and he took meditation extremely far and pernamently flipped a switch.

Thank you, will do.

[Leo Gura]

5 minutes ago, KatiesKarma said:

I am also theorizing that I have a personality disorder

That would explain a lot.

People with such disorders who then also have awakenings or mystical experiences tend to have some hairy, messy kinds of awakenings which turn into "spiritual emergencies". Stan Grof talks about this a lot in his work. Such people require a lot of healing work. Your awakenings are not gonna be the normal kind.

Edited August 7, 2023 by Leo Gura

[KatiesKarma]

Just now, Leo Gura said:

That would explain a lot.

People with such disorders who then also have awakening and mystical experiences tend to have some hairy, messy kinds of awakenings which turn into "spiritual emergencies". Stan Grof talks about this a lot in his work. Such people require a lot of healing work.

Yup. I had very shit upbringing - my father was completely incompetent in terms of love, was a drug dealer and ruined my entire life by being selfish. Then he died from a heart attack etc

Never in my life was I able to fathom a deep connection with someone else. So, I always feel alone.

I don't really know how to heal. LSD? IFS? I am trying to do self talk therapy it seems to trigger dreams dealing with profound fears

[Leo Gura]

@KatiesKarma Therapy for sure would help.

And then you could combine that with psychedelics, journaling, holotropic breathing, etc.

Yes, you got a classic background for personality disorder and trauma. That requires some deep digging into.

Be cautious with psychedelics because they could send you over the edge if you take too much.

Check out Teal Swan's work on trauma. She wrote a whole book about healing trauma. That's her cup of tea.

Edited August 7, 2023 by Leo Gura

[KatiesKarma]

@Leo Gura I am extremely cautious believe me with these things... I would rather NOT relive an imaginary demonic alien invasion 

The thing is I've had a LOT of therapy. Hours upon hours clinic after clinic I was talking about all the shit that happened and keeps happening to me but it did absolutely fucking nothing. Nothing ever changed or got processed if anything I would get triggered and hallucinate garbage again

The Self Talk Therapy where I write out a conversation between different aspects of me (The Exiled Child, The Manager, The Schizoid one) seems most helpful as of right now. 

I even bought a book from Teal Swan, one of the methods was basically just what I describe above 

And listening to certain music on HHC...

I will dig deeper into journaling and this breathwork stuff even though I despise laying on the floor for 50 mins and doing that ?

Like, what would be the root of intrusive horror thoughts. How do I get rid of this root.

Edited August 7, 2023 by KatiesKarma

[Leo Gura]

@KatiesKarma I can suggest working with a psychic/mystic therapist rather than a traditional one. You can find local ones on Yelp. They will probably help you a lot more than traditional materialist therapists.

10 minutes ago, KatiesKarma said:

Like, what would be the root of intrusive horror thoughts. How do I get rid of this root.

That's hard to say since I don't have that kind of mind.

Maybe buried hurt or anger. Something like that. Trauma.

Have you actually tried programming your mind with positive imagery on a daily basis for months? That might be a great practice for you. Learn to control your mind with positivity and love.

If you have multiple personality disorder then you should research specific therapy and techniques for that. You require an expert on that condition. You need to do more research on exactly what condition you have and find specialists with extensive experience healing that. Generic spiritual advice is not going to help you much.

Edited August 7, 2023 by Leo Gura

[KatiesKarma]

@Leo Gura Thing is due to the illness I can't really work and make a lot of money (yet) I didn't really mention how with this peculiar ""condition"" I had to quit school even though I was really good at it. So no college for me. I now go to a institution where I do art and get paid 2€ hour. I also work as a cashier, I hate it with my guts.

Therapists like this are expensive is what I am getting at. I only can do the cheap stuff the state pays (Germany) like useless talk therapy

I will try to do the Concentration exercises Michal on here mentioned and maybe affirmations while I sleep.

All of this is a profound pain in the ass

If I ever end up in the actual Godhead I will have a couple of questions 

[KatiesKarma]

10 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@KatiesKarma 

If you have multiple personality disorder then you should research specific therapy and techniques for that. You require an expert on that condition. You need to do more research on exactly what condition you have and find specialists with extensive experience healing that. Generic spiritual advice is not going to help you much.

My guess is I have Depersonalization Disorder, Derealization Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder (all of these are basically the same thing). Depersonalization is like one step away from Borderline but never reaches there but the root problem and structure of it is the same.

Some psychology book claims the Schizoid Type is deeply afraid of Others and Self-Realization 

I bought a 10 hours course of some dude trying to heal DPDR. Was useless to me but maybe I have to give it another shot as I was in the middle of psychosis or so.

I bought serveral books on dpdr, they were so fucking dumb i.e. someone literally claiming that just imagining it away is gonna fix it lmao

[Leo Gura]

9 minutes ago, KatiesKarma said:

Thing is due to the illness I can't really work and make a lot of money (yet) I didn't really mention how with this peculiar ""condition"" I had to quit school even though I was really good at it. So no college for me. I now go to a institution where I do art and get paid 2€ hour. I also work as a cashier, I hate it with my guts.

I understand.

Then I suggest just doing some deep research into all the various techniques for healing and trauma that exist out there. You're bound to find some good stuff.

I don't have much experience helping people heal from mental disorders. One thing you can do is to research other people who had your condition and healed it, and investigate what methods they used. This requires doing DEEP research. Gather up all the info that's available on the subject until you become an expert on it.

Edited August 7, 2023 by Leo Gura

[KatiesKarma]

7 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

I understand.

Then I suggest just doing some deep research into all the various techniques for healing and trauma that exist out there. You're bound to find some good stuff.

I don't have much experience helping people heal from mental disorders. One thing you can do is to research other people who had your condition and healed it, and investigate what methods they used.

Like that's what I did for three years. I bought books i bought courses found the weirdest YouTubers I tried teal swan tried Harris Harrington I tried a lot. I am obsessed with trying to heal this it is my literal only goal. I don't give a flying fuck about God as long he's not trying to kill me I just want to FEEL EMOTIONS AND LOVE

Like I am not on here because I was so interested in the nature of consciousness i.e. positive motives I am here because of FEAR and terror. God kind of forced himself on me

 

Edited August 7, 2023 by KatiesKarma

[Leo Gura]

2 minutes ago, KatiesKarma said:

I just want to FEEL EMOTIONS AND LOVE

Have you tried literally just sitting down and doing that?