How should I change?

[Schizophonia]

On 10/08/2023 at 2:21 AM, Princess Arabia said:

Off topic, but Is this a more recent pic of you, you look different. Had to do a double take. 

It is actually a little older, the previous one comes from a small anecdotal video shot a few months ago. 
I try to make my avatar work a minimum with my nickname.

 

Edited August 11, 2023 by Schizophonia

[Schizophonia]

@trenton It's just too complicated to react to a long story like that, especially if you choose to hide the causes of the conflict in question. (“I said something my cousins said about my cousin…”).

[trenton]

@Schizophonia I don't intend to hide the source of any conflict. The problem is that two conflicts now overlap.

First of all, I opened a conflict falsely believing that everybody wanted amends. I have come to the realization that not everybody wants amends. This is why it was a mistake to open the conflict. I was naive and I have learned a lot.

My older sister thinks that I did it because I am actively trying to hurt her, therefore she is vengeful. She denies this.

Secondly, my relationship with my older sister is a mess. She wants to have a relationship with me, but I isolate myself from her. I don't want to spend time with her because of her anger issues and how she lashes out at me. She admitted to this issue after lashing out at me over the laundry. She refuses to get help for this. I hold this against her every time she lashes out at me.

It is hard to communicate with her because she takes everything the wrong way and does not allow for the possibility that I am acting with good intentions. I end up walking on eggshells and it is frustrating. I can't get through to her because she has a torrent of projections that she accuses me of.

I feel like I no longer care what she thinks of me because she lives in a completely different reality. She is unable to understand my point of view and acts like I am the one who only cares about his own point of view. This is another projection.

Part of the problem with my sister is that we lack common interests. It could be the divide created by philosophy and spirituality. It has made it impossible for her to understand my point of view so it seems malicious. It becomes frustrating to try to explain myself. She tells me I think too deeply about everything.

[trenton]

@Schizophonia part if the problem is that I lack social experience. This is partially due to autism, isolation, bullying, and my family. My family tells me to socialize more, but my sister is presently the reason I isolate myself. It used to be because of my step father. Before that it was because of my mother lashing out at me for misbehaving. Hyper vigilance keeps me up at night.

[TheCloud]

8 hours ago, trenton said:

@TheCloud I admit that "they have no interest in peace" is taking it too far.

I am still frustrated because I am dealing with bad faith and vengeful motives as they try to guilt trip me. I don't know how to approach my sisters when I go back home.

You can start by learning how to resolve your own adverse emotions.  You feel frustrated because you're in pain and don't know how to resolve it.  You're in pain possibly out of loneliness, because your need for companionship and understanding and reconciliation is being rejected or objected to.  Before you can properly respond to your external situation, you have to come to terms with your internal one, which is a situation of emotions and needs.  If you are unclear on, or in conflict with, your internal situation, your external situation will never come to make sense.

[trenton]

@TheCloud I have been in the process of understanding my internal situation my entire life. I am never ignoring the internal world and I am constantly learning about it.

I have learned a lot from this situation and I am oscillating between calm and frustrated. I don't know how to approach my sister's frustration.

If anybody has a suggestion, how in theory should I respond to my sister? The reason I'm stumped is because I have constantly been trying to find a way to make my sister's anger better, but I constantly fail. I must understand that being calm may never be enough to solve her internal state which in turn becomes my problem.

I don't take it personally when she gets angry. I shouldn't expect my good faith efforts to be met with good faith efforts. 

[trenton]

I came home early to check in with my older sister. I wasn't going to ruminate all day again. Maybe she would lash out at me, maybe she calmed down.

She seems to have calmed down. I won't bring up issue. I won't tell her that I helped my cousin pass the math exam. I will let her find out for herself.

The situation remains unamendable. It will only start a fight if I talk about my cousin.

[Schizophonia]

17 hours ago, trenton said:

@Schizophonia part if the problem is that I lack social experience. This is partially due to autism, isolation, bullying, and my family. My family tells me to socialize more, but my sister is presently the reason I isolate myself. It used to be because of my step father. Before that it was because of my mother lashing out at me for misbehaving. Hyper vigilance keeps me up at night.

It's too complicated, I don't know if I've already told you (probably) but at this level you need a dedicated therapist.

[trenton]

1 hour ago, Schizophonia said:

It's too complicated, I don't know if I've already told you (probably) but at this level you need a dedicated therapist.

I'm working on all of this. I have a psychologist I see every couple of weeks. I am taking medication. I have a group called mindfully to get cbt therapy for ptsd. I feel like I'm growing even though it is unpleasant. I am facing some developmental drama by opening up with my family.

[Schizophonia]

52 minutes ago, trenton said:

I'm working on all of this. I have a psychologist I see every couple of weeks. I am taking medication. I have a group called mindfully to get cbt therapy for ptsd. I feel like I'm growing even though it is unpleasant. I am facing some developmental drama by opening up with my family.

What medications are you taking if you don't mind? ?

[trenton]

1 hour ago, Schizophonia said:

What medications are you taking if you don't mind? ?

The anti depressants are lexapro. The anti psychotic is zyprexa. Zyprexa is designed to stop the ruminations.

I used to be taking Prozac, but that ended in a catastrophe.