Extremely persistent emotional numbness/emptiness/inability to feel ANY emotion

[Salvijus]

Just now, KatiesKarma said:

No clue who that is

From adams family. But nevermind lol.

[integral]

1 hour ago, KatiesKarma said:

I cried lots here and then but it does not feel geniuene. It feels as though I am acting. The feeling remains eternally suppressed if we can call it that way.

It's so annoying to deal with this and I can't seem to get rid of this emptiness no matter what I do. It drove me to the borders of sheer insanity and back. 

Maybe you grew up and dont understand it?

Crying genuinely is to be completely convinced you are the character. Full self-deception.

It can also be that your to self-aware, so your watching and analyzing yourself cry, its a over thinking issue, instead of feeling it and playing in the arising sensations.

When a feeling comes up, feel into it deeply with out destroying it with thought. 

Edited August 1, 2023 by integral

[KatiesKarma]

4 minutes ago, integral said:

Maybe you grew up and dont understand it?

Crying genuinely is to be completely convinced you are the character. Full self-deception.

It can also be that your to self-aware, so your watching and analyzing yourself cry, its a over thinking issue, instead of feeling it and playing in the arising sensations.

When a feeling comes up, feel into it deeply with out destroying it with thought. 

"When a feeling comes up" .. this does not occur. I cannot feel into something which does not happen. Even if I sit in a two hour meditation absolutely nothing happens inside me, I am a rock on the inside.

Or, very very rarely. When my father died I felt pain in my heart, it was very numbed out type of pain. But this is like an extreme scenario.

Recently I talked to a friend how unfair life is and started crying but again I couldn't feel it nor process the feeling. (?)

I don't know if an emotional body/chakras exist(s) but it seems mine is completely blocked off

[Salvijus]

16 minutes ago, KatiesKarma said:

I don't know if an emotional body/chakras exist(s) but it seems mine is completely blocked off

If that's true, then love should unblock that. Something like laughter, loving relationships, dancing, skydiving. Things like that should open the heart.

Edit. Prayer done properly.

Edited August 1, 2023 by Salvijus

[KatiesKarma]

Just now, Salvijus said:

If that's true, then love should unblock that. Something like laughter, loving relationships, dancing, skydiving. Things like that should open the heart.

One would think that but this issue is so deep, it changed my mind AND physiology of body COMPLETELY. I am no longer able to normally respond to any of these things, i.e. I laugh but the heart remains empty, I try to love others but I literally can't, I used to dance but it would just make me sweaty.

Skydiving would just make me faint.

It's like my inner body, the subtle body, it's completely rigid. It does not let emotion (energy in motion) pass trough, everything is just sticky, cannot move. If something horrific happens, slight emotion might emerge but it will be a very dull version of what you would normally get.

Someone explain this curse to me 

 

[Salvijus]

Mm, I hear you...

[integral]

@KatiesKarma Have you tried daily consistent intensive exercise?

[Ulax]

@KatiesKarma Also, if you want a somatic meditation. I heard someone with severe dissociation who got significant results from using the linked guided meditations:

https://www.shambhala.com/somaticdescent/

[KatiesKarma]

12 hours ago, integral said:

@KatiesKarma Have you tried daily consistent intensive exercise?

Not really, I went jogging for 50 minutes here and there but felt.. you guessed it.. nothing afterwards.

I'll try to get really fit anyways, it can't hurt and maybe it'll help in some magical way.

[KatiesKarma]

12 hours ago, Ulax said:

@KatiesKarma Also, if you want a somatic meditation. I heard someone with severe dissociation who got significant results from using the linked guided meditations:

https://www.shambhala.com/somaticdescent/

Thanks, I'll check that out...

[integral]

2 hours ago, KatiesKarma said:

Not really, I went jogging for 50 minutes here and there but felt.. you guessed it.. nothing afterwards.

I'll try to get really fit anyways, it can't hurt and maybe it'll help in some magical way.

Got to focus on gamifying biology. Its not going to happen with mental work and thinking about it until something happens.

The mind is a combination of many factors. Sleep quality, daily exercise, nutrition, gut microbiome, gut health (parasites, leaky gut), air quality, genetics, life experiences (child hood, adult hood), habits (breathing), daily activity (intensive video games, quality socializing) ... +++

Its a multi faceted problem, so you need to approach this from every direction all at the same time.  

Edited August 2, 2023 by integral

[KatiesKarma]

@integral you're right, I need serveral approaches. I'm thinking right now:

30-60 mins intense exercise per day

Try the somatic meditation

If the meditation is good combine with low dose psychedelic

Low dose Psychedelic + holotropic breathing 10-30 mins

I take vitamin D pills and have these vitamin water drops, gut health seems fine I think.

If all goes to shit I will have to pay a somatic therapist to do trauma therapy on me. I am just not willing to pay 90€ per hour...

40 minutes ago, integral said:

Got to focus on gamifying biology. Its not going to happen with mental work and thinking about it until something happens.

The mind is a combination of many factors. Sleep quality, daily exercise, nutrition, gut microbiome, gut health (parasites, leaky gut), air quality, genetics, life experiences (child hood, adult hood), habits (breathing), daily activity (intensive video games, quality socializing) ... +++

Its a multi faceted problem, so you need to approach this from every direction all at the same time.  

16 hours ago, Ulax said:

@KatiesKarma

[Ulax]

@KatiesKarma Also, I'll add in another suggestion I've recently come across. It would be to buy a percussive massage gun.

Its, imo, an easy and enjoyable way to increase body awareness and relax muscles. With the release of tension that might allow for emotions to come up for you.

Edited August 3, 2023 by Ulax

[TheCloud]

On 8/1/2023 at 4:13 PM, KatiesKarma said:

I am afraid of my mind, like I can sense this sort of crazy psychotic spirit in the far back of my mind which is why I am hesitant about more drugs.

I'm not sure if it has a formal name, but what I recommend to you is a form of self-talk therapy.  If you've ever imagined having a conversation with someone who wasn't present, then it's something you can do.

 

You answered your own question;  you're afraid.  I suspect that there are so many unknown aspects of yourself hidden away, including the crazy psychotic spirit, that your main ego made the executive decision to turn off some of your functions in order to protect you from accessing those potentially disruptive parts of yourself.  If you want your emotions back, you're going to need to actively seek out those parts you've been distancing yourself from, and negotiating coexistence with them.

 

The therapy is simple, although it does take practice.  You simply act out the parts of both sides of a conversation with yourself.  For example, you could have a conversation between the main normal you, and the crazy psychotic spirit you.  The two may have different and contradictory goals, but they will for the most part have a prime interest in your well-being.  For example:

 

Normal You (n):  Hey, I'm having trouble feeling my emotions.

Crazy You (c):  That's because you locked me up!

n:  You're a huge trouble-maker!

c:  Then you're not in trouble now?

n:  I'm definitely still in trouble, even without you.

c:  Then stop being so uptight.

n:  I can't just do that.  I need to know that you're going to coexist with all the parts of me that have already been accepted.

c:  Then you're going to have to help me out with that, because I don't know what needs to happen for me to coexist.

 

The conversation can go somewhat like that.  It's very common for both sides to have to make concessions, and the goal is always coexistence and integration between the two parts.  The more parts of yourself you unlock and integrate with, the more your natural emotions should return to you.

 

Even if you're uninterested the self-talk therapy, do recognize that you are afraid, and make efforts to face that fear.

[KatiesKarma]

11 hours ago, TheCloud said:

I'm not sure if it has a formal name, but what I recommend to you is a form of self-talk therapy.  If you've ever imagined having a conversation with someone who wasn't present, then it's something you can do.

 

You answered your own question;  you're afraid.  I suspect that there are so many unknown aspects of yourself hidden away, including the crazy psychotic spirit, that your main ego made the executive decision to turn off some of your functions in order to protect you from accessing those potentially disruptive parts of yourself.  If you want your emotions back, you're going to need to actively seek out those parts you've been distancing yourself from, and negotiating coexistence with them.

 

The therapy is simple, although it does take practice.  You simply act out the parts of both sides of a conversation with yourself.  For example, you could have a conversation between the main normal you, and the crazy psychotic spirit you.  The two may have different and contradictory goals, but they will for the most part have a prime interest in your well-being.  For example:

 

Normal You (n):  Hey, I'm having trouble feeling my emotions.

Crazy You (c):  That's because you locked me up!

n:  You're a huge trouble-maker!

c:  Then you're not in trouble now?

n:  I'm definitely still in trouble, even without you.

c:  Then stop being so uptight.

n:  I can't just do that.  I need to know that you're going to coexist with all the parts of me that have already been accepted.

c:  Then you're going to have to help me out with that, because I don't know what needs to happen for me to coexist.

 

The conversation can go somewhat like that.  It's very common for both sides to have to make concessions, and the goal is always coexistence and integration between the two parts.  The more parts of yourself you unlock and integrate with, the more your natural emotions should return to you.

 

Even if you're uninterested the self-talk therapy, do recognize that you are afraid, and make efforts to face that fear.

Must I do this sober or can I try it on psychs? I feel like I can literally not acess anything when I am sober

 

 

 

 

On 2.8.2023 at 4:58 PM, integral said:

Got to focus on gamifying biology. Its not going to happen with mental work and thinking about it until something happens.

The mind is a combination of many factors. Sleep quality, daily exercise, nutrition, gut microbiome, gut health (parasites, leaky gut), air quality, genetics, life experiences (child hood, adult hood), habits (breathing), daily activity (intensive video games, quality socializing) ... +++

Its a multi faceted problem, so you need to approach this from every direction all at the same time.  

On 2.8.2023 at 1:35 AM, Ulax said:

@KatiesKarma Also, if you want a somatic meditation. I heard someone with severe dissociation who got significant results from using the linked guided meditations:

https://www.shambhala.com/somaticdescent/

 

[Schizophonia]

Do you have friends ? familly ? bf ?

[TheCloud]

1 hour ago, KatiesKarma said:

Must I do this sober or can I try it on psychs? I feel like I can literally not acess anything when I am sober

 

I've never tried it on psychs, but I don't see any reason not to.  I can only imagine that anything that helps your consciousness to flow more freely would be of assistance.  The only issue I can foresee is that the conversation might go out of control, with you getting into an argument between your selves that spirals downward if you lack the presence of mind to mediate the conflict.  You would know better than me if this is an issue you might have.

 

Even without psychs, if you're persistent and considerate, you can eventually access the locked-up parts of yourself.  You don't need to be specific about who exactly you're accessing.  If it helps, speak out loud, or speak into a mirror, or use a totem like a sock-puppet or something to represent the other side.  You can be like, "Hey, Emotions, can you come out and speak to me?"

 

As you say, your emotions might be so locked up that they don't come out right away.  They're so used to being incarcerated that they don't have the words to respond to you yet.  So you keep coaxing them, "Hey, Emotions, I'm really listening this time, so even if it's hurtful, I want you to come out and say something."

 

If it feels like someone is getting in the way, talk to them instead.  "Hey, Fear, I'm trying to access my Emotions, but it seems like you really hate that.  Can we work something out?"  Fear isn't your enemy, she's just trying to keep you safe, so if you avoid abusive language or force and peacefully negotiate, you will eventually work something out.  Keep trying like this until you find someone to talk to.  There will be a lot of unintegrated entities inside you, so you don't have to look for a specific one.  Just talk to the one who is easiest to converse with.

 

If you're able to converse, but the conversation always devolves into a dispute, try using "Nonviolent Communication" (NVC).

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication#Overview

https://www.cnvc.org/learn/what-is-nvc

It's a bit awkward and formulaic, but it will help you if are really having trouble getting along with yourself.

 

Edit:  Sometimes, it might be your mental model of others that's interfering, such as your mother or father.  Remember, these mental models are just pretending to be the person in question, maybe showing up as a nagging voice in your head or some such.  They aren't the real person, they're actually you, so you might have to remind them of that.

Edited August 5, 2023 by TheCloud

[KatiesKarma]

@Schizophonia my father died last year I live with my mom and sister and have a few friends I regularly interact with

I had a boyfriend for six months but then this condition got psychotic and worse so I had to break up we are still friends 

 

[KatiesKarma]

@TheCloud thanks I will definitely try this. Yeah I can imagine that on psychs things will go out of control rapidly as I am probably very afraid of losing control

[KatiesKarma]

@TheCloud @TheCloudhey , I tried the technique and it subsequently triggered a dream that caused me to feel pretty anxious. It works. 

I have three parts within me. The manager, the exiled child and a schizoid/schizophrenic part.

Edited August 7, 2023 by KatiesKarma