Please Help Me With Your Advice

[Lai]

I am normally a very shy person, and not very good at opening up to strangers. But now I find myself in a dark place. This has given me the bravery to ask here for your advice.

Over the past years I have been attracted to "bad" guys. Life's lesson was teaching me what I really need, by first offering me what I don't. Now I am in a stage of my life ready to start a family, so I don't want anymore of that pain.

A few months ago I became aware of a very nice man through his online persona. Slowly, I became more and more enamored with him as I got to know his mind and feel his heart through his posts. So finally a few weeks ago I built some courage, and took the big step (for me) and approached him. I wanted us to get to know each other a little bit better, and secretly hoping something deeper could grow from our contact. As time went by, it appeared to me as if we could fall in love at any moment.

This man lives on the other side of the world from me. So as we talked last night, I hinted that I could travel and visit him there sometime. Being enthusiastic and naive, I expected him to be warm to this thought. But instead his response was cautious and a bit distant.
In that moment the world crashed around me. It left me breathless with this painful broken heart, this terrifying and dark loneliness that has since paralyzed me.

My reaction to this pain has been to run away to a quiet corner, and cry away all of my tears. This unbearable sadness has such a hold on me... I am in such a dark place right now, and cannot find my way out.

Please, if you have some advices that could help this stupid girl...

Please forgive me for this self-indulgent post. I know that there are people with darker problems which deserve much more attention than mine. But now that I have shown my heart, my shame is too great and so this is my last post.

Much love and hugs

 

Zuzana

 

[SLICKHAWK]

You are fine. Your mind searching inside is creating emotions.

Search for authentic people. Who wear their ❤ on there shoulders as you do.

Attract those kinds and you will find value in eachother.  Stay in your ❤ not inside the mind.

Remember you are special and i love you.

[Colin]

I can see myself in your post. I have been on both sides of this situation. I can see some possibilities.

1. He likes you, but is afraid to let his guard down. Afraid to love and be vulnerable.

2. He is not interested in you romantically, but would enjoy being your friend.

3. He is committed to someone else.

4. He is homosexual

Those are just some of them. If you really feel this strongly, the only way to move forward is to be as direct and clear in your communication as you possibly can. Let him know exactly how you feel in a concise and clear way. Especially over text it is easy, because he can carefully form his thoughts in response. It is a pretty non threatening way to communicate.

If he ends up rejecting you at least you will know that you tried and you will have no regrets moving forward. Make it quick and to the point. Be creative in your approach. Don't try to force anything. You may end up winning him over. If not, you will learn something about yourself. There are many many great fish in the sea.

Good luck! Stay Strong! Stay on the Journey!

[Evilwave Heddy]

You're thinking about this too much...after all it only happened last night so you don't exactly know how he's feeling about you.  Confront him about it and ask him if you're just wasting your time with him.  There is no point wasting time and getting hurt by someone who just doesn't see you in the same way you see them.  If it does turn out that he's not interested then you need to move on and not get caught up about it.  The more you get caught up about it the more unnecessary pain you bring upon yourself.  Also to remind you..the more you leave this and not ask him what his thoughts are the more you preconceptualize this whole situation and these preconceptions will tear you apart.

Best of luck

Edited March 24, 2017 by Evilwave Heddy

[egoeimai]

You are very beautiful,you have a nice body you are thin you wear nice clothes and you have a beautiful face.

I think you need those compliments at the moment,but they are true also! So dont thank me for that. 

I will FOR SURE post a video for you to watch,as I do with many people here,because I think its helpful,and If you find it interesting and speaks to your heart you will learn more on youtube. 

 

Maybe its very clichè that I post it over and over again but I think its so powerful that it needs your attention.

Again,because I dont prefer to ask questions here and discuss about those personal subjects here,feel free to send me a p.m here If you want! 

[Toby]

So, did I understand it correctly that you never even met him as he lives not in close distance?

[FindingPeace]

There is an important lesson in this story and one that I think is becomming more relevent in modern times. It is especially relevent to internet long-distance relationships. But it also applies to all human relationships of all kinds.

Something that I have become aware of is how we create these relationships. In our minds. Two people are interracting and each one starts to look for value in the interraction and the other person. They already have a self-agenda of what they want or need. So they will look for these things. Over time each person builds up a 'framework', effectively a projection, that, in their own mind, represents this relationship, what it means to them and what they expect out of it. It also represents your own interpretation of the other person. All of this is created by you, in your own mind. Your entire side of the relationship is created by you and projected on to the interraction.

In essense, we are defining the context of the interraction. This tends to go unnoticed and we assume the the context creates itself and just 'is'. But that isn't the case. Each person in the relationship creates their own context and perception of the interraction and the other person. And there is nothing to say that one person's perceived context is the same as the other persons. This is quite easy to see in many relationships.

The problem is, we need a context or conceptual 'framework' in order to have an interraction with someone. Otherwise there is nothing to derive motivation and direction from. With out a conceptual framework, it would be impossible to interract with someone in a constructive and functional way. But the problem is that we project this conceptual framework, this context, on to the situation. So we have to realise that it is comming from us. We create it. It is a manifestation of our own wants, needs, desires, values, beliefs etc. The framework provides a kind of protocol for the interraction so that we know what to expect and how to respond etc.

So sometimes we discover that our concept of the relationship is  not the same as the other persons. Usually, we start to feel that it is the other person that is doing 'wrong' or being unreasonable, or just being an ass. But who set the expectation in the first place? Who decided how the other person 'should' respond to you? You did. The sobering truth is that we create the pain ourselves from our own projections. From our own interpretations of the situation and from the context that we apply to it. We want something and are dissapointed when we don't get it.

The thing is, we have to have these conceptual frameworks. We have to project, to a certain extent. Otherwise we can not take any action in life. So we have to assume some context for our actions. We make a choice to assume a framework for the interraction. And it's important to remember that it is a choice. Because we have to accept that by making a choice we are taking a chance that we are mistaken, or that our expectations won't be met. And if they aren't met, then we cannot hold anyone else responsible for that. For it was our own choice in the first place to assume the context of the situation.

This is the same for trust as well. Trust is a choice. When we trust in someone we are making a choice to assume that someone will respect our interests. Again, though, if they 'violate' our trust, it was only us that created the context for that trust in the first place. We cannot tell others how to behave nor can we expect how they will behave. We can only take responsibility for how we respond to them.

The sobering realisation is that we do this with every aspect of our lives. We are each responsible for creating our own subjective realities. We each set up frameworks and contexts from within which we act in and interpret life.

Interpretation of a situation is entirely with the context that we apply to the situation. Something we create in our own minds.

So here is a thought experiment for anyone who has an internet relationship (because it's easier to apply this experiment to this context). You 'know' someone through the internet, Maybe through chat or video calls. But are they really there? In the room? Is the relationship there, in the room? Who is creating the relationship and setting the terms of it? Who is setting the expectations? How much of the context of the relationship is shaped by your wants, needs and desires? What is the relationship? Because it isn't a physical thing you can see in the room. After all, the person isn't there. So in what way is there even a 'relationship' taking place? Hopefully these questions might bring you to the awareness of how we create it all from within our own mind. If so, keep this in mind if things stop going the way you want them to. This is showing you where you need to do work. And perhaps what is driving you to seek these relationships in the first place.

 

[jse]

17 hours ago, Lai said:

But instead his response was cautious and a bit distant.

Zuzana, maybe that was his natural response to a logistic issue.

Perhaps you have serious work commitments in Amsterdam, and he could have similar business commitments in Thailand, making it unworkable for both to share a life at this moment.  Maybe his reaction was prompted by this thought, of a painful and frustrating long long-distance relationship...

[Lai]

14 minutes ago, jse said:

Zuzana, maybe that was his natural response to a logistic issue.

José, maybe "he" should have explained that to me on the phone.

[jse]

1 minute ago, Lai said:

José, maybe "he" should have explained that to me on the phone.

Zuzana, maybe he didn't realize the pain that he had caused, until he read your post.

[Lai]

José, maybe "he" should call me on the phone right now.  

[Evilwave Heddy]

Oh..I see.  That's cute.

[Shin]

21 minutes ago, Evilwave Heddy said:

Oh..I see.  That's cute.

 

@Evilwave Heddy Couldn't stop laughing for a good minute

Edited March 24, 2017 by Shin

[Evilwave Heddy]

@Shin lmao that's brilliant 

[Nahm]

He's probably married.

You probably do not have a smooth relationship with your father.

You probably should laugh about how expecting an online convo with someone on the other side of the planet to lead to the man of your dreams. 

Do the you work, and amazingly, 'the one' guy has been accessible all along.

 

[Lai]

34 minutes ago, Nahm said:

He's probably married.

@Nahm you are right.  He is married to his work, and I can't compete with that for now.

[Evilwave Heddy]

35 minutes ago, Lai said:

you are right.  He is married to his work, and I can't compete with that for now.

or he's not desperate.  Online relationships shouldn't be rushed.

Edited March 24, 2017 by Evilwave Heddy

[Principium Nexus]

@Lai I'm exactly in the same position as that guy and I like this girl alot, she really gives my life much more meaning and something I want to invest more energy and time into. However she as well lives at the other side of the planet, more than 10.000KM so it's not easy at all. What I'm most afraid of is that if things don't work out it will leave a huge mark (moving is not easy, culture can be completely different, adaptation?). These are all things I consider and think about, if this would grow into something longterm and kind of put me in a doubtful state. Time will solve this and theres nothing you can do about it, we have to reconsider feelings and goals we have and it's not a rejection! My advice would be to do stuff together when you can meet and build a more intimate relation from there. The tricky thing with LDR is that most things are preconceptions since your not together physically and that might change your perspective aswell.

Go write each other! Sending letters is a great thing and makes it physical and are nice things to keep! No rush needed, everything grows at it's own pace.

[Loreena]

@Lai I feel for you. I understand the pain of unrequited love. But you're giving yourself unnecessary pain and this is all needless. You have to be with someone who really wants to be with you, whether long distance or accessible. It's not that long distance relationship hasn't worked out. It has for so many people across the globe. But there are obvious dangers in the internet world that you need to be aware of.. like predators looking for a beautiful girl like you.

 

I'm sorry but online relationships are way more difficult than normal relationships because of the communication related misunderstandings involved. Please don't search for love on this forum at least, this should be the last place since it is really not meant for that. You could get hurt, mocked, trolled for expressing your real sentiments because nobody would understand how the person behind the keyboard feels, so no point in spilling your emotions here. (if you like someone here, sorry, but I personally wouldn't recommend that. Don't get me wrong, there are good folks here, it's just that it may not work out the way you think)

Whatever I said might crush you, but it's better to learn the truth now than learn it the hard way later.

Unrequited love is a big pain my dear..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Lai]

Thank you for all your support, specially in all the private messages.

I have packed my bags and now heading to Schiphol.  I am meeting this guy this weekend in Thailand to see what happens.

Wish me luck!