"I want to create". Is this true?

[BojackHorseman]

I do. I did already in the past.

But nowadays I just seem stuck in an endless loop of playing, listening, and watching.

And every fucking time I do, I feel such a strong need to create things myself.

But I don't. I haven't been for a lot of months now.

So...

I actually don't want to create?

Am I even allowed to say "god this is so cool, I'm so inspired, I NEED to do something like that myself"?

Am I confusing admiration for the actual need and capacities to create?

This is weird because as I was saying, I used to create quite a lot not so long ago.

But now I'm getting comfy just consuming, and that scares me.

Not sure if I should admit that I ran out of energy, will, or whatnot, and that my time has passed, that I'm too old for this...or if I just need to get deintoxicated form screens and stimuli in general, get disciplined, and get to work before I end up regretting wasting my life.

I'm sure some people can be super happy with just living and consuming.

I'm not sure if it's my case. Clearly it's tormenting me.

Sorry, this ended up being a confused vent...

[BojackHorseman]

This is driving me crazy.

I feel like all will to create is leaving me.

But I LOVE creation. Movies, music, comics, books are the most fascinating thing to me.

Yet I feel like I'm forcing myself.

But if I stop, who am I?

I'm 43 years old now, I can feel my life was totally wasted, I'm panicked at the idea of just disappearing.

I can't fully express how bad it feels, but it's like my body and mind are telling me "it's over now. Give up. Go sit and wait for life to end".

I'm a terrible person. I spent my life consuming and dreaming. I'm nothing. I hate myself.

Edited September 9, 2023 by BojackHorseman

[Phil King]

23 minutes ago, BojackHorseman said:

I'm 43 years old now, I can feel my life was totally wasted, I'm panicked at the idea of just disappearing.

I can't fully express how bad it feels, but it's like my body and mind are telling me "it's over now. Give up. Go sit and wait for life to end".

Its never too late. I think you would be inspired by Steven Pressfield. He constantly self sabatoged and was never able to fully finish a novel until he was well into his 40's. He never had a published book until he was 52, which turned out to be a best seller and got made into a movie. Also if read and reread the war of art

 

25 minutes ago, BojackHorseman said:

I'm a terrible person. I spent my life consuming and dreaming. I'm nothing. I hate myself.

Drop this attitude immediately. Now you have 40+ years of life experience and media consumption and dreams to draw from for your future art. The only one who can kill the dream is you.

[Yimpa]

Gradually expose yourself to new experiences that you’re passionate about. The initial results may seem mundane / pointless / hopeless, but keep at it and you’ll start to discover love and passion organically revealing itself. Your sense of purpose will rejuvenate.

[Sugarcoat]

yea I think taking a break if you can from all that stimulation to make space for your own mental activity, (which is already peaking through all the noise to you evident by the post). Also this could make space for repressed emotions, stress and mental stories to become more obvious and rise to the surface so you can deal with them rather than being numbed down by all the stimulation, which can create more mental clarity. Also consider wether this desire is more an self image need so perhaps you wanna feel good about yourself for being someone who creates like some ideal (not bad thing just observation),or if you are actually genuinely passionate about it (both can be the case ofc ). 

[BojackHorseman]

On 09/09/2023 at 8:24 PM, Sugarcoat said:

yea I think taking a break if you can from all that stimulation to make space for your own mental activity, (which is already peaking through all the noise to you evident by the post). Also this could make space for repressed emotions, stress and mental stories to become more obvious and rise to the surface so you can deal with them rather than being numbed down by all the stimulation, which can create more mental clarity. Also consider wether this desire is more an self image need so perhaps you wanna feel good about yourself for being someone who creates like some ideal (not bad thing just observation),or if you are actually genuinely passionate about it (both can be the case ofc ). 

I don't think it's about self image that much, as I've barely shown my things for 25 years or so, most was for me, even if I love the idea of sharing it.

 

But I think you're right about the stimulation. Very much a huge problem now that I'm thinking about it, I'm literally always on a screen (except when I'm reading, whis is, very sadly, less and less compard to when I was a kid).

But on one hand I also feel like it's easy to demonize screens. They are part of humans now in some way, at least of our society. It's a good was to communicate, learn, and other things.

I could have this simplistic childish picture of going back to nature and I sometimes do, but I also know that it's not me.

That baing said, making more space in my consumption would be good. But to be honest here, just thinking about it, I know that I would have trouble doing so. I might actually just be addicted and trying to defend the drug here. I am very conscious of it as I'm typing it, but I also feel like I'm stuck here.

[Sugarcoat]

@BojackHorseman

yea i don’t see screens as bad so I agree there about demonization. It’s more how you use them, what function it serves for you

 

i also have these visions about a more natural life so I can relate there too. It’s wired in us and good to include some of it..could even be simplifying your current life

yea it can be hard to make yourself independent of the constant stimulation. The way I see it is that when we constantly consume info - although it has its value and place, once again depends on how you use it - it’s like something else is thinking for us, filling our minds up and it leaves less space for our own brain activity to flourish. So using it less forces your own brain to get accustomed to less stimulation and it can create stimuli for itself (thinking can be very stimulating). But ofc in the beginning it can feel agitating. But if you try to get rid of some stimuli I believe it’s best to replace it with something that genuinely gives you fulfillment I’d say…

[ivankiss]

The impulse to create is in each and every one of us. It's our nature. We are creators (the creator) by definition. 

You cannot not create. Even if you're sitting on your couch, doing nothing, you're still creating everything around you. 

But speaking in a more down to earth manner, developing a skill that will allow you to channel and focus that creative energy is definitely worthwhile.

I've been committed to making music since I was a kid, and honestly, I cannot imagine life without it. There's just nothing else for me to do. It is more than just a purpose. It is my personal meaning of life.

I also went through numerous phases of stagnation. Sometimes I was uninspired, unmotivated and nothing good came through. Other times life got in the way and straight up took away the opportunity for me to make music. But... I always found my way back to it. Just now, for example, I am about to release my first proper peace of work after 3-4 years of not being able to put together anything substantial. I am happy, grateful and fulfilled beyond words, and nobody has even heard my new music yet. It's just so rewarding and beautiful. 

Find your muse and completely lose yourself in it. It's a wild, fun, scary and absolutely amazing ride.

Good luck.

Edited September 14, 2023 by ivankiss

[Yimpa]

@ivankiss Please share your music with us when it’s ready 

[ivankiss]

@Yimpa You bet! Appreciate your interest