Was I sexually abused as a child?

[Javfly33]

Thinking about it I have realized I´ve always had a deep sense of shame about myself just for no fucking reason. I used to project the causes to external or internal facts, but then I would realize 'Oh no, people who have also done this or have not done this, do not feel like I do, so that external thing can not be the cause'.

Then I have started to think about a memory I have when I was a kid, for some weird reason I was in the country house of my grandpas, and I was naked (maybe my and my cousins were having a bath, who knows), and there was this guy (which was a neighbour of the house near ours), at one point we were alone (rest of the family was in the back part of the house I guess), and if my memory does recall correctly, he looked at my dick and did some strange creepy smile (memory is foggy, can't say exactly if something else happened but I would say it was just that), and I think right there.... I experienced a sense of shame about myself (about my sexuality I guess?).

So that could be the 'ground' where the sense of shame about myself, just for no reason, arised?

Of course, calling this 'sexual abuse' is way debatable, back before I would just understand this memory as a creepy experience, but then looking at the internet according to some sites this is considered child sexual abuse lmao. So, I guess this discovery could answer some questions about myself...

Edited July 26, 2023 by Javfly33

[josemar]

Welcome to 15 years of "shadow work".

[Javfly33]

1 hour ago, josemar said:

Welcome to 15 years of "shadow work".

What that does mean? ?? No please, no more shadow work I've done that crap for 3 lifetimes already.

 

[josemar]

You know better than that, if you give importance to these stories, that's how the ego maintains itself.  I guess these thoughts can be entertained for the fun, but if you start identifying with them... Well, 15 years later ... ??

[Javfly33]

42 minutes ago, josemar said:

You know better than that, if you give importance to these stories, that's how the ego maintains itself.  I guess these thoughts can be entertained for the fun, but if you start identifying with them... Well, 15 years later ... ??

Oh, I totally get what you say. Absolutely I don't have the intention of building an identity out of it. It was just pure curiosity. 

[Buck Edwards]

Something similar happened to me. Not comfortable discussing. I consider it sexual abuse. It can take years to heal. It can cause weird stuff. Messed up psyche. But eventually it gets ok.