Nightgame Journal

[Jannes]

I will probably expose myself to massive nightgame experience for the next 3 weeks so this thread will stay fresh. I dont want to put it in Self-Actualization journal because I want to get lots of feedback. 

My strategy at the moment is to go solo. I drive 2 and a half hours with the train to a big city, party there the whole night and drive back in the morning for 2 and a half hours. 

Nightgame Day1

My plan was to find a club in Berlin, go in there, dance a little and then spend the rest of the night at the train station until my train arrives. A step small enough for me to execute on. Well I kinda overshot that.
(The first club that I found was a very weird place. It kind of had a prison theme with lots of dark corners. The music was loud hell music. Way more hellish than any heavy metal. It seemed like a very pro sex and drugs place, at least you could get flyer for drugs, condoms and even pipes to sniff for free. But the music was just way to shit so I left that place after 10min even though I spent 22€ for entrance.
The next club I waited in line for seemed like a LGBTQ supporting club which I didn’t mind but after I saw that the vast majority of people were guys I talked to some people in line and it seemed it was a gay club.)
So after a little break I went to a third club. I almost didn’t get in because the owner said there are too many guys in there already but because I went alone it was okay. Only 12€ entrance this time thank god. The club seemed super nice. One dance floor but super swaggy DJ, fancy sexy dancers. The people there seemed to be at least mid twenties, many in their thirties. So I was one of the youngest guys there. One guy seemed really angry at me for no particular reason. He did shadow boxing right behind me and always gave me that look. I just avoided him. I had no interest to fight. And I just started dancing as planned. It felt okay, not much anxiety tbh apart from that one aggressive guy. But then there was this hot girl which seemed interested. The body language seemed like she was interested but she never gave me even a little eye contact. I can’t work with that. I saw a lot of guys doing ballzy approaches. She probably got bored and I felt bad about myself. I just couldn’t bring myself to do a ballzy approach. But then came another girl, we just looked ourself in the eyes, I put on a natural flirting look, she came closer, I touched her shoulders then she turned around and I grabbed her waist. Seemed totally cool. I got some great eye contact game it seems. I actually got myself to approach the other girl a little later, not in a ballzy way but just facing towards her and coming closer. She avoided eye contact again and seemed uninterested and I quickly but confidently turned around which seemed to work as a hard to get game technique because it seemed she was interested again. But she didn’t give me eye contact and I didn’t make the ballzy move. Then there was another girl, she gave me the right eye contact, I pulled her pretty ackwardly to the dance floor and she rejected me. Totally cool, with experience I will become more confident and will know what to do. Then a girl on an elevated platform gave me eye contact and we kinda bonded in like 3 seconds. She hugged me and got really physical with me. But then another guy battled for her and really gave it all. It was a bit of back and forth and one moment where she made clear that she wanted to have a threesome by being touchy with both of us at the same time. I didn’t like the competition really. So I danced with another girl and we got physical super fast. I pulled her towards me, she got kind of sexual so I grapped her hip and slapped her ass and pressed my dick against her vagina. She pulled me and said that we can go to her place. But then she said that I should take her friend (the girl before as the is super horny right now). I was so in the mood that I didn’t even really care about giving away my secured sexual opportunity. I tried to get the girl in a very non ballzy way but the other guy had her secured. He earned it though. There weren’t many attractive girls at the end any more but I enjoyed dancing till the club closed. I did this all sober. I actually felt good and safe enough that I feel like I could do this on psylocibin.

I felt really bad emotionally for the last days but this really brightened my mood. Being true to what you want from life really makes you happy.

 

Edited July 23, 2023 by Jannes

[Jannes]

Felt a little ashamed of myself when I started partying. I felt like such a stupid and superficial person. I also felt bad because right now there is a very non-toxic girl interested in me and I kinda messed it up with here in not giving her quality attention. I basically passed that opportunity to learn game. Well romantic vibes are just too much for me at the moment. So I actually straight up texted her if we want to Netflix and she agreed. She wanted to flirt sexually with me but I had no clue how to do it which frustrated me so much. I could have been sweet to her which would have been enough for sex and a possible relationship but I sacrificed that for the pursuit of power. Power over love? 

Well the thing is that I dont feel strong attraction towards her. I need to have game in my toolbox to create attraction. 

[Jannes]

Nightgame Day2

I was so tired from yesterday. I wasted around an hour driving in circles before arriving at the dance club. I took a psylocibin microdose. I didn’t really feel the effect though. The night club was also shit. 3 dance floors, 1 where you can dance but with shit music, one with good music but so crowded that you can only stand and 1 floor which had the whole package but was way to small. I felt that this wasn’t my night to make it happen. But I spent my money and could only get home in the morning so I just danced looking to get as much out of the night as was possible for me this day. I wondered which strategy I could use to get close to a girl. I wouldn’t just be grabbing them by the waist or go for a kiss without consent, (or without obvious flirtatious vibes) I got some morals. Instead I starred them in the eyes. I continued to stare at them when they looked away until they returned their look at me wondering why I stared at them and then gave them a warm smile. I applied it once. Didn’t work but it for sure got my point across and also didn’t feel akward really. First tool in the toolbox I guess.
Later I was dancing with a couple of random dudes. Gave a girl near me a small smile and one of the girls of her group pulled me in their circle. The girl asked me what my name is and said she wanted to kiss me to which I agreed. We had a whole 1min kiss. It was really bad, she used her teeth on my lower lip a lot and I didn’t know what I was doing. We talked just a little the vibe wasn’t really on and I asked her if we want to go to her place. Shortly after that she said that she wanted to use the bathroom and I let her go.
At first I was a little worried that maybe I came across as uninterested that I didn’t go with her. Took some time for me to realize that I shouldn’t have asked her so quickly that we should go to her place because the vibe wasn’t built yet. I didn’t saw her for a while and she avoided me when we met.
Maybe the strategy the girl used is also usable for me at least in parts. I can just ask girls what I want. I can ask them if they want a kiss, or that I find them cute or if I can touch their tits. Well maybe the last needs a great vibe.

[Jannes]

I had a dream today where in once scene the bully of my past kissed me on the cheek like the director of the theatre club (whom I really like) that I always go to does and I enjoyed that in the dream as well. My bully often appeared in different life phases for me. In the past we sometimes fought, we were also sometimes friends and sometimes something in between. But I never experienced this level of acceptance. 

Besides sex, game helps you develop your psyche in many important ways. It gives you a sense that you are in control of your life, it helps you overcome inauthentic parts of yourself because parts that talk bad about yourself are inauthentic parts.

[Jannes]

Due to family events I will do a little break for a minimum of three days. 

 

[Jannes]

My bully actually loved me holy shit. It always was this 10% love, 90% bully relationship with him. He always forced me to act in macho ways and gave me so many slaps and humiliation when I didn't do what he said. But being a player came naturally to him and he wanted to give me that out of love for me. Such twisted love but love. He was hit by his dad himself so. 

[Jannes]

Nightgame Day3

I did some research. Notably a video from Owen Cook where he show Nightgame. Many things from my nightgames before became more transparent to me.

1) Girls want to be wanted
2) Some girls are interested but want to be conquered
3) There is a whole game paradigm of attraction which you are blind to if you never go to clubs.
4) State is key
5) Building state before going to the club is part of good game.
6) positive people around you which guide you make things 3x easier.

Even though I had new knowledge in mind, which made me a bit motivated, it was harder this time to get in the mood then the days prior. I visited the same club as first time. Because I spent so much time looking for a club and talking to so many people on the way and also having the thrill of this new adventure and also not pressuring myself so much with results I was in a better state then on this third night. I spent almost two hours dancing on my own, not taking action and killing my state. When I felt that I needed to do a break to regain state I went to the outside area and asked a stranger if I can sit next to them. A decent looking chick. I just started a conversation in hopes for some small talk to built myself back up. I talked about my mission and my struggles and my talking skills aren’t bad. The girl told me her situation being for three weeks in Berlin and also feeling kind of lost in the club. We went dancing together. The vibe wasn’t great, I wasn’t feeling it really. In a Team effort we didn’t let the vibe drown but it wasn’t great. We went to get some fresh air again, chatted and then came back dancing. She went to the toilet and I wondered around a bit. A girl got really flirty with me and I got physical. I touched her hips and her booty. She let me press my dick against her ass. I got alive. I asked her if I could kiss her. She didn’t understand. I got close to her and tried to go for a kiss with around 80% of the distance. She refused. The vibe stayed fun. I was so in the mood. I screamed her in the ear, I want to kiss you already and went for it again but she refused. I didn’t feel any kind of anxiety really, I felt alive, just like a hunting animal for his hunt. A friend came in and closed her off from me. Cool I guess. Now I saw the girl from before again and she brought a guy with her, saying she found someone. The guy flirted with her, touched her hips, went for a kiss. The girl didn’t really like it but also didn’t give a straight no. She told me in the ear „what is happening right now“. I knew I should have stepped in, flirted with her, proven myself but first I wasn’t getting that flirty with her in the first place and I didn’t had the skill set. The guy asked me if everything is all right, decoding the mimic and further increased his dominance over me. I felt like the biggest beta on the planet. We then went outside for fresh air and some guy came in saying I should just let her go. They know each other and for the better of myself I should just let it be. I was a bit overwhelmed by this. First the whole situation and then how should I know about this guy. It’s possible that he really is a dangerous guy and that it was a good warning but I also didn’t want to not fight at all. I found a middle way. They were already sitting outside and I winked the guy outside. Cool that that walked. I talked about what I just heard and that I feel uncomfortable with this situation. The girl said she recently knew him from a dating app but that he didn’t text her for 2 days so… (I didn’t take action on that :/) I should have said this: I would like to leave the club with you if you want but I don’t want conflict with that guy, so either we leave together now or we split here.
Well I just asked her for her phone number which I got and gave her a hug.
After that a guy danced with me and we twerked ass on ass together for fun. Well I thought it was for fun but then he went straight for a kiss. I am (mostly) straight unfortunately. Was fun anyway. There were a few other girls that I could have danced with but the lack of eye contact was to much of a hurdle for me.
The girl I got physical with was in a group with also the gay guy and they sat on a table. I approached that group of 4. Another girl blocked the entrance for the girl I got physical with. The girls left. I asked one of the guys if the girl I got physical with has a boyfriend and they said yes, it was just for fun. But I can take the gay guy if I want which I politely rejected.
Then there was a guy who wanted to do speed or something with me which I also politely rejected. The club was almost empty. There were two girls sitting alone on a table. I pulled myself together for this last effort. „.. Hey“, „.. we both have a boyfriend.“ „Lucky for them, good night.“ Cool so that was the night.

I got the girls number, what should I do with it. Am I already the beta. It’s not like a relationship I just want to have sex or maybe a place to sleep so I can party two days in a row.

[Jannes]

Nightgame Day4: (holy shit)

I met a girl and a guy at the entrance of the club. They were super friendly and we instantly formed a group. The girl asked me what kind of girls I want and then selected some for me. I wanted to impress her so I approached a group of people with two hot girls in the group. Started a little chat and asked both of the girls for their number. They both had a girlfriend. But it was super chill. The girl and guy were super impressed and couldn’t wait to challenge me more. They got me to approach another girl I didn’t even really like. Short chat and I got her number. The girl was so into me. She had a boyfriend but constantly asked me if I would take her as an option. She was super sexual with me and was always wrestling with not cheating with her boyfriend. She straight up told me, if she wasn’t in a relationship we would bang right here on the toilet. That got me in such a mood. Outside of the toilet there were two girls and my friend just pushed me a little into them and I immediately started a super good conversation and got another number. Outside I saw a girl with a super hot body and approached her and got her number. Shortly after that I saw two attractive girls standing and I approached them easily at this point. Got the number of the hotter one. We went dancing.
Couldn’t find my friends. Found the girl with the super hot body again. Asked her if she wants to go to the dance club. We made out. I grapped her waist and asked if I can touch her ass to which she agreed. Had a 1min kiss and a lot of ass grabbing. She then told me that she was there with her sister and that she promised the night was about her and that now she has to go and apologize to her friend but that I should call her again. Found my friends again. Danced a little. It wasn’t as physical and I lost a little of my vibe. There was a girl that I talked to, got her number and we kissed a little and [she made me touch her tits.*] We couldn’t talk inside so I asked them if they want to go outside with me. We chatted a little and a random ass dude interrupted the talk. Then they went back dancing saying bye. I got back in found my peers, danced a little longer found the girl from right before again. I danced a little more with them. Her female friend gave a kill sign on the throat and I didn’t know what it was directed to. Maybe me so I built distance. More about that later. Near my peers I found some girl dancing with her friends and she seemed to know me. Well she started chatting a bit. It was very confusing to me. Maybe I talked to her indirectly when I talked to another girl or maybe she knew me from another girl that talked about me. I talked to so many people I didnt really had a clue. But she seemed super party around me. I can’t really recall the situation but she constantly punched me in the belly, was also pretty sexy with me and one time said I should act as if I was so insecure. I went for a kiss but she rejected. Saying partying is good but no kissing. And said I was sweet. She went back to grab a beer twice and told me I should protect her friend which I did. I mean I really did feel like Superman that night so that wasn’t a problem for me. I was super confused about the situation in the end, so I just asked that I can’t really read the situation right now but would like to exchange numbers to which she replied sorry and kissed me on the cheek. I wandered around a little trying to look for some opportunities. Found a girl sitting on top of a podium with other people. I immediately jumped on and then off that thing because there was liquid on it. I still talked to the girl and she pushed me away harshly saying „not like that“. I was a little bumbed out because of that, as that was the first time I got a harsh rejection. But I didn’t really do anything wrong. My friends left. The girl said that she would instantly take me home if she were single and gave me a hug. 
I was looking for a way to sleep in Berlin so that I could continue to party so I ordered the numbers I got and asked a few of them if I can sleep there. 
12min later a girl replied. „Meet me at the door. You can come.“ (let’s fuck?)
I replied 8min later, okay cool be there in 5min but I didn’t found here and she didn’t text me anymore. (If a girl says she wants sex, don’t let her wait?)
Then I saw another girl I got the number from which was by far the most sexiest. She was there with another guy and I thought he might be her boyfriend. But they both went into the building and two of her friends stayed there. I went to them and asked them if the girl is in a relationship. They said no and that she is in the building and something. I went in, she was about to take her items back. I said hey, then slightly touched her elbow to get her attention. She gave me a short mustering view and then straight ignored me completely. Don’t know what I did wrong tbh. Later I thought about that. [she made me touch her tits.*] Maybe she didn’t actually. She placed her hands directly on her tits when I recall directly so I assumed she wanted that but maybe not. It could explain the behaviour of her friend. I might have really fucked that up and didn’t even know it. I am super scared to get a rape charge or anything holy shit. 

[Jannes]

Nightgame Day05

I was tired as always but not knock out tired. Looked for a new club to go to. I packed a big psylocibin dose this time trying to see how it would affect me. Took it a few minutes before the club, so the affect would kick in around when I would enter. It kicked in pretty much immediately though. There was a huge line outside. Behind me a group of 3 girls. I knew that you had to built up state before going to the club so that was a great opportunity to get going. I was anxious as hell though. I think I was anxious because I put so much pressure on myself from the success from last Nightgame and the psylocibin increased my anxiety. But here is the kicker. Even though I was standing in my anxiety the whole time with psylocibin I did everything perfectly appropriately and not the anxiety control me. Normally when you are in fear you act stupid, cringe, awkward, whatever but not with psylocibin. (At least in this case for me) I made the right approach, the right talk, interpreted the social behaviour well while standing to the throat in fear. And yes you could notice that when I stuttered slightly, or maybe misused a word or something like that so yes my anxiety was full on noticeable but my behaviour was rock solid despite that. I came up with better ideas for conversation stuttering then when I was in a sober I don’t give a shit state. It’s so incredible. And I was so goddamn sweet. Psylocibin makes me highly empathetic. And it connects me deeply with my body which I heard many times is key. Psylocibin + confidence will be a league of its own for me. At the end neither me or the girls got in. They let in like 10%. I asked the girl what they are up to. They replied we just go home. I asked, can I come with you. She replied: We are going to sleep now. I said: Okay have a good night. Super natural and fluent. I just asked to fuck them in a super casual way lol.
So I looked for another club. I went to the club I went the first night, now for the third time. On the way I saw two girls in white which I found later in the club. They sat on a couch. I knew my verbal game was far better so I approached them. Can I sit next to you? Yeah sure. We had a great 5min talk. Then a guy came in interrupting us. Saying can I sit between you two? I thought he was her boyfriend so I left. He chatted to me a moment later that I can try to dance with them no problem and that he isn’t their boyfriend. Danced a little with the girls. They told me that the guy way overdoes his job. He is only a friend and wants to protect them. The guy was around us dancing as well. The problem was that I didn’t know how to open and second it was double cringe with this guy around. He seemed like a friendly guy but like a conservative dad who would kick away every attractor of their teenage daughter. (As a reference, they were both 18). The vibe died a little when dancing. I seemed to have done a very great opener because these girls stayed with me a good time and exchanging friendly smiles even though I delivered nothing on the dance floor. Some guys talked to me saying that I should grab the girls already, it’s painful to see what I am doing. But I had no clue what to do. They said you should just do it in a I don’t give a fuck sort of way and that girls love these guys. I made that experience also. But it’s a mix of fear of rejection because I don’t have the skillset to do so when I pull a girl towards me hard but also ethically I don’t see it as clean to get into a girls privacy like that. I feel like in Clubs the attraction part is often at the dance floor and the comforting part is often at the outside or chill area. So I need to be able to handle myself at the dance floor. Even though I kind of like my own dance style I don’t really own it. It’s a mix that I made up myself and I get so much laughs about it all the time I am not confident in it anymore. So I need to learn new dance moves. The protector guy actually had fantastic dance moves. Nothing to complicated but super chill and confident looking. The two girls in white left and I was kind of exhausted after that. Took 20min outside refreshing. There wasn’t much time anymore so I just danced for an extra 30min collecting as many impressions as I could for future. Was proud of myself for the work that I put in.

[Leo Gura]

@Jannes Excellent work. Keep at it.

[mmKay]

GJ man ! Wish I had more nightgame options here besides 2 nights a week lol. Going through a similar challenge to yours. Keep It Up.

[Jannes]

@mmKay @Leo Gura thanks you guys, means a lot to me! 

You have a journal mmKay? 2 nights a week sounds plenty if you do it consistently.

edit: Oh you have one, giving it a read right now.  

 

 

 

 

Edited August 3, 2023 by Jannes

[Jannes]

Nightgame Day06

( The most fascinating thing was not the night itself but the inner talk before that. A felt a lot of movement the days before and it manifested in new empowering thoughts about myself. For one there was one person that was a complete tyrant to me. I new his motivation though and so even though I felt deep anger for him I repressed and pushed it away, justifying the situation. I have a problem standing up for myself. I don’t think it’s really because I repress anger itself but because I have deep ass childhood trauma when it comes to not feeling accepted. And that’s why I often don’t stand up for myself because when I do I risk rejection and possible belonging and so I let a lot of people walk over me. But the last Nightgame Days improved my confidence in connecting with other people and after I stayed up all night not getting shit done because of my monkey mind I finally accepted that I just couldn’t forgive that guy. I knew why he was doing what he was doing, I knew that he didn’t just want to attack me for no reason and I knew that some of it were my fault and that I caused a lot of suffering but I tried my fucking best and I suffered to the bone in an attempt to not emotionally hurt anybody I just wasn’t strong enough. I don’t deserve that tyranny, I can’t forgive him. Even though I was mostly friendly, even hugged him I paddle back. I can’t forgive him, I just can’t. And I felt a lot more at ease after that.
I managed to process a deep wounding crush.
I always try to impress other people so hard. It’s like I don’t think I can ask somebody out before first demonstrating a backflip to them. I reject so much positive feedback because I can’t believe it to be true. But what if I was already good enough and that I don’t need to do any fancy techniques, just be myself? )

So I was super tired. Only slept for 4 hours at home and maybe one at the train. But I already skipped a day I didn’t want to step another one for sure. So I drank 160mg of caffeine to get going. I looked for a new club. Took me two full hours of running in circles to finally arrive at one club that I selected because there was only a small half open door opening the club. I actually felt confident or at least more confident then before for once. I was first a bit shocked at the club. Everyone was dressed in black or shirtless or in punk style. I wore a black shirt with pink flamingos on it. I looked fine and gay as fuck. Cool look but it didn’t fit the dress code at all and I didn’t had backup options. I could have gone shirtless but I figured I don’t know the club well enough, maybe it triggers people to start a fight but more importantly I don’t think it is particularly great to approach women half naked. So I wore it but open. The club and music was okay. I felt more confident in my dancing. Somehow I always felt a little ashamed of my dancing before, this time I danced with more confidence. I looked around the club. It had two dance floors many chill areas and some dark places where you could potentially make out. There were a guy and girl sitting on a couch with an empty couch across them. I sat down and started a chat. The chat went pretty casually but the girl asked me within the first two minutes for my phone number. She looked good. She made clear pretty directly that she wanted something from me. She said that she broke up with her boyfriend two weeks ago and that they were together for 4 years and when I said that I was going to drive home tomorrow morning if I didn’t find a stay she stayed that I could come with them to the hotel. I was a little overrun by it, first because I didn’t yet checked the relationship situation she had with the guy (they are friends) and second because it was so directly without much built up and I needed more time to process the situation. She just said I know good guys when I see them. The talk was okay I was simply to tired to make anything good out of it. I learned that I should also talk to other member of the group so I tried to split like 50 50 and talked with the guy also. He was pretty chatty and I kind of lost the connection with the girl. She already gave so much, giving the guy so much attention must have felt like a rejection for her. The guy was pretty chill. He said that he knows people really well and is very sure that I am a good guy who probably has issues getting exploited. And also said that if anyone wants to harm her he will find them and break their bones but if I want something good for her he would even help me get with her. Somehow I had a hard time believing the situation, it just went way to quickly. I tried to get back at her but then we started dancing we were kind of in our own world each and the rejection had enough time to set I felt like. I walked with them some more. Tried to start a conversation again to get the vibe back which was really hard after the vibe got so low and I think the found my attempts a bit funny. She had a sister with her and I started a little chat. I trusted myself to get a good chat going because I know my abilities but it was only generic. The problem wasn’t even really my confidence it was simply the sleepiness. I didn’t feel like I was really wanted in the group anymore, at least from her. At the bar she went to a different place to sit there. I interpreted it as uninterest, maybe in hindsight it was also a shittest to look if I am actually interested. I felt like this whole situation got a little cringe and out of hand. Maybe it was possible to get something out of it but I didn’t feel good anymore and I feel like part of inner game is to be not so attatched to anything and I could also just look for other opportunities also so I went to a different dance floor. I found out for myself that I am often in my own world when dancing but actually the trick is to connect very deeply with the beat. It’s kind of meditative and refreshing and therefore empowering. Around an hour later I found them leaving.
I gave the girl a bit of a warm, sad, tired look. She said we probably won’t see each other again. Gave her a hug. We waited a little for the guy in silence. He gave me a very strong handshake. Looked to the girl with an even stronger warm, sad, tired look and she came to me and gave me another hug. Me: maybe we can party another time. She: Yeah!
There was a bit of derp love floating in the air.
Left the club shortly after that as well. I contemplated on if I should try to get to the hotel with the girl. I did not want to buy a stay there however and I wouldn’t ask to get in the same room with her cause I learned asking for sex is creepy as fuck and we didn’t built up sexual tension yet at all. If I want something with her I think it’s best to text her the next day or a day after that. Best reasoning for the moment. Time to get some sleep, might add something later! 
 

Thinking what I can do with that number. I think I struggled because I didn't know what I actually want from the girl. 2 weeks after a 4 year relationship is to close and she seemed to want a relationship from me which I am not ready for, I want to learn game. 

Edited August 3, 2023 by Jannes

[Jannes]

Nightgame Day07:
 

Woke up at 9 o clock today, sleeping for like 6 hours. Ate breakfast, got tired and slept another 6 hours or so. Game is so tiresome. I was okay after that though. There is this club in Berlin that I found on my first night when I thought it is a gay club. Turns out is isn’t, it’s just a very stage green place. Kinky, sex positive, inclusive to all gender, LGBTQ supportive. I found that club very interesting, first because it’s sex positive and second because the stage green environement is one where I might thrive better with my softer temper. But the rules for coming in are rather strict. They seem to have a pretty high standard for sexisness. If you aren’t dressed sexy you can’t come in. It was already around 19 o clock and all the stores closed at 20 o clock in my city so I had to buy something fast. I was going for tight swim trunks first but the sports shop already closed. So I went to a dessou shop with erotic clothes for girls. I explained the workers my situation and they got me a pink tanga and some sort of erotic net for boobs. I found it hilarious for the moment but after I drove for about an hour in the train for the club I got a little scared. I felt sexy in that tanga though ngl. I arrived at around 11 o clock. Ate some psylocibin truffles and then waited in line. Got pretty strong fear again. I was still kinda in sleepy mood, it felt like morning to me but I already waited in line for the club so that felt a bit surreal. The fear subsided after around an hour and I got into a very chill and peaceful mood. Still waited line. I took my clothes off right before the club. Standing in public with nothing but a pink tanga is certainly a dare even if other people also had sexy outfits around me. I didn’t get in though the guy at the door said that I shouldn’t stand in public with pink string tanga ??.
Appearently the door policy is that you should wear crazy clothes like that but you should have a rather civil look at the front so the club doesn’t get a bad reputation or smth. Kind of confusing I have sent an email asking them or something. It’s not like my outfit was illegal to wear in public. 
I was kind of bumbed out from that and it was already 2 o clock so I already lost 4 hours at most clubs. I went to my standard club cause the entrance was cheap. Danced a little, scanned the club. I got more professional at it. I sat next to a guy starting a chat and it went good. I was interested in the girl in the group though be she seemed uninterested. Approached two girls and had a little chat with them. The girl was relatively physical. I had my arm at a bad angle so I couldn’t really touch her shoulder as first body contact. Well I was warming up anyway. I asked her where she lived. She told me and asked why I wanted to know that. I felt like I couldn’t give her a straight answer, so I said just asking. (Not great of course but I didn’t know how to respond to it at all). When she asked me where I will stay I said I will drive home tomorrow if I don’t find a stay tonight. She then stood up getting herself up by touching my knee and talked to a friend. That was a pull–push she did on me lol. I chatted a bit with her friend but their vibe was off. I already forgot that she just got up by touching my knee and thought she wanted to get rid of me and I didn’t want to stay to simp so I stood up casually. When I walked to the dance floor she and her friends went in front of me crossing my way jostling me very slightly. That couldn’t have been an accident but I still needed to approach her on the dance floor. Found her after some time but I just didn’t know what to do. She didn’t open up to me directly so I didn’t know what to do and I wasn’t in the right state for bold action. So I kinda let that one slide. Danced a little more, talked to some other people. Found a group outside with two hot girls. Greeted everybody in the group with a handshake. The guy gave me a really tough handshake. I didn’t chase the girl on my side anymore for the chance that this was meant as a warning. I was just not in the mood for aggression. I would have been at home at the stage green place. Talked to two girls at my left after that. I kind of had a little anxiety in my eyes for a second and the girl told me if I wanted to get girls I shouldn’t act as gay. She said I am way to nice. I was certainly not in a masculine mood but I she didn’t get in my head at all and I actually continued a nice conversation. I wasn’t though but also not a whimp. So it’s not really that I was weak in my state, just super super chill. Had a conversation with a Ukranian women after that. She couldn’t really speak German or English but was really passionate to tell me about her situation and I listened for about 15min to this very hard to comprehend talk. She got pretty touchy and I thought that was just her nature she was in her mid thirties after all. It was a little much for me after 15min so I went for a hug to verabschiede myself. She went for a kiss first I think. She excused herself for taking my time and all and I went for a second hug. I think she thought that the only reason that I listened to all of this talk was because I wanted to bang her. Danced a little more, nothing really happened. Found that one girl again and she gave me eye contact as she moved across. I was not in a approach mood so I thought of strategies to get me into a playful mood. There were these light sticks and I collected them across the club. I felt very much at home at the club. Saw a girl that I saw another time at this club so I had a good opener and I think she also looked at me sometimes also but I talked myself out of it that I wasn’t in the right mood to make shit happen today. Haha I got a little regretful that I burned all the numbers I got from Nightgame4 by asking all of them for sex immediately. ?

The big goal is to get into the kinky club. If I buy clothes today they might get to me on Sunday. 

[Jannes]

Nightgame Day08:

Chatted to the girl I got the number from from Nightgame06. I didn’t quite know what I wanted from her. She sounded like she wasn’t in for just sex and I didn’t really want a relationship. So now about 5 days later I texted her, also saying that I have a club phase right now and trying to built confidence to kinda show her what I am about right now. Made out a date for yesterday. She told me that she was super tired from work and that we can meet somewhere around the weekend.

Tuesday is a bad day for clubbing in Berlin. Almost all clubs were either closed or were only open till 2pm. Well almost every, the bad Club I went to at my second Nightgame was open so I took that to see if it’s better within the week as part of what was bad about it at the weekend was that it was to full. The security guy checked me, even touched grabbed my dick (wtf) and told his cosecurity guy to really check my stuff. Don’t know what made me look so dangerous lol. I was sober and didn’t take any psylocibin this time. I can’t recall all events because I took a shitton of action this time but there were some notable parts.

One important part is to find a talking partner that comforts you. After a few approaches I found a girl which did that job for me. She had a boyfriend but we had a very good casual conversation. Then there was a moment of silence so I asked for her name which I forgot to do and gave her a handshake. She put very little pressure in the handshake and I feared that I made her uncomfortable and ended the conversation there. She gave some nice motivating words about challenges I am facing right now so she seemed pretty invested in the conversation and I was very upset that I didn’t milk that opportunity of a comforting Chat more.

I talked to a few girls in pairs of two. I kinda started a nice little chat but didn’t know where to go from there and went to the dance floor, saying that we might meet later. I should have stayed longer in there.

Saw a guy outside talking with one of the girls I talked in a group of two with. She had her butt pressed against the wall and you could really see how hot she was. That’s when a little ape in me shined through. It sometimes takes some time for me to realize the harsh survival situation I am in but that moment brought it to the surface. I saw the guy sitting with these two girls at a couch and that ape in me came through so I sat next to the girl on the side. The guy didn’t seem to be to happy about it. The girl asked me my name again as she forgot. I wanted to start a chat but I was so exhausted at this point from all the approaches I couldn’t get anything done. Stayed there for about a minute in silence and the girl also didn’t show interest in me so I just made the beta move and left wishing them a good evening. The guy made a ?? sign from the front indicating that he was probably confused that I didn’t take the situation. After that another guy approached the girl I was sitting next to. I probably made it clear that there is potential. Later saw him and another guy leaving with these two girls. I could have had her if I still had energy. But what I notice is that I try to avoid failure. Even if I stayed with them longer without saying much and then getting rejected because of my low energy, that would have been a valueable lesson for me. I thought that part of game is to avoid failure which is why I left to not experience failure but this seems to be the wrong approach.

I am a little bumbed out from the little results I am getting. After my first Nightgame where I approached very little and made out with 2 and got smiles and stuff I thought that after a few nights I would get laid for sure but my results seem to be declining even though I make way more approaches. And it’s not the psylocibin I got softer in general. I think the main reasons are first that I got humbled a little. I have so much status in my theatre that I think every random girl wants me which I now experienced isn’t the case automatically. And second I need a good wing desperately. I had a random wing the first night and that built me up a ton. In my forth night where I had tons of success it was largely because of the girl that pushed me. Maybe I can find club friends over some sort of app.

[Jannes]

There is a traumatic scene from kindergarden which I remember in some detail and which just got recontextualized. For the backstory: My father consistently brought me too late to kindergarden so all the other kids already built playing groups. That combined with my introverted and soft personality made it pretty much impossible for me to socialize with the other kids. And as a looner I got picked on quite a lot. I tried acting funny and dumb to make people like me but they bullied me even harder for this. And I let it happen. I laughed and giggled when kids through sand at me. I would have done everything to socialize with the other kids. My parents gave me the horrible advice that I shouldn't fight back in kindergarden and that I should tell the educators if something goes wrong. But the educators didn't really give a shit of who got bullied. They told me that it was my fault that I got bullied because I giggled and laughed all the time when it happened. I tried my absolute hardest to stay adamant but I couldn't help myself from laughing. The same day there was this very clear scene where one of the kids in kindergarden attacked me and with the words of the educator in mind I tried my absolute hardest to raise my fist but my body wouldn't let me. I fell in deep chaotic laughter like the joker. When I reviewed this moment I always told myself that it was just not my personality to be aggressive but actually it was the deep fear of cutting social connections up for good and that I would stay alone and die. 

I think the reason this came up is because through pick up I learned how to attract other people and so I gained a lot of social confidence. This allows myself to reintegrate these masculine parts of my personality because what stopped myself from integrating them is the fear that I would not be able to attract other people into my life. 

[Jannes]

Nightgame Day09:

I have a lot to do at my theatre atm so I haven't been going out lots lately. It was a great time to see how clubbing changed my character though. The first two days I was super confident and excited and I could read social cues super fast. One day I had such a charisma it seems that random people just smiled at me and I smiled back. Then after a few days I lost pretty much all my charisma. I was also sick which could have contributed but its mostly that my mindset changed because I didn't need to gain attention as much as before and I got in old patterns. I absolutely hated it and was pretty disappointed with myself. Yesterday though the girl from a night before (the night where I got like 6 numbers and was absolutely on fire) randomly asked me if I want to go to a concert with her for free because a friend of her cancelled. That was exactly what I needed. I still couldn't get in the vibe for like 10 hours, I was so back in my numb victim mindset kind of crab. After the concert she wanted to party. I was kind of afraid to party in my home town because I knew so many people there and was afraid to meet them because I didn't want anyone to see me fail. The first nightclub we went to was almost empty. Although I didn't know anybody it was a bad place to do pickup because literally everybody would see me do it and there weren't even enough girls to get warm. So we went to a second club. That club was fuller (not good full though). I became super conscious of everything on lost my chill mindset. I knew that in Berlin everything I did there would stay there so I didn't care about rejections as much. Now in my home town I was way more afraid to look like a creep. I opened just one girl. The rest of the time I just danced.

Even though that didn't work out well the next day my mood self confidence skyrocketed again. Idk if it's game or just the appreciation of people in my life that elevate my self confidence so much.

Edited August 19, 2023 by Jannes