32 inexperienced guy needs advice

[Schierke]

Hello!

This is kinda uncomfortable for me to talk about but whatever: I am 32 years old and never really had a relationship, never had sex, never even kissed a girl. I was basically limited (or limited myself if you want) by extreme social anxiety for most of my life since my teens. I avoided everything, even my own family for the most part, because I always felt extreme awkwardness and cringe, a deep inhibition in the presence of other human beings.

But I did work on myself and started to change, getting a little bit more social and even a little bit more comfortable talking to girls. But it's all still a fragile little plant. 

I met this girl some time ago, and we like each other a lot, she is 26 but has a lot more experience than me, having had her first time sex with like 14 and some relationships afterward. 

My problem is that the inexperience I have makes me a little insecure when it comes to sex. It's very obvious to me that she is ready for it, almost kinda waiting for me to make the move honestly. I don't think she would ever suspect that I am THIS inexperienced, I didn't tell her and I don't know if it would be a good idea to do so. 

When I first kissed her, I was also fucking nervous, because it was my first kiss with a girl EVER! Can you imagine that with 32...  She later told me that she already waited for me to kiss her and that I could have done it way earlier.

But it turned out to be quite good and since then we kissed a lot, but I still feel this barrier of shame and insecurity in me which blocks me from entering being more intimate and being more bold with her. 

How would you navigate this situation? My fear obviously is that I will disappoint her or embarrass myself and then lose her. I mean the experience so far was worth it anyway even if she leaves me, because I already learned so much and faced so many of my fears, but it would still hurt me a lot.

 

 

 

 

[Roy]

I know it's EXACT thing that little voice in the back of your head doesn't want to hear lol, but the best thing you can do is take 100% initiative to have sex with her and communicate your lack of experience. Don't do it in a way to make her feel pity. Just say, "My behavior was like this because this is where I am at, plain and simple." Look her in the eyes and communicate it in a direct way.

I would say it during undressing to build intimacy and show some vulnerability. Opening yourself up like that actually communicates STRENGTH because it shows you aren't afraid of taking a hit. Any girl that's worthwhile understands this and won't make fun of you or rub it in your face. It will make them trust you and more attracted.

I don't know this girl so I don't know how she will react, but I do know for sure she WILL leave you if you do nothing and don't take her and fuck her. If she is willing to kiss you, she is willing to have sex with you. It's just a matter of setting up a date where you can be alone somewhere together. Have a romantic evening/night set up that leads to it.

I know the insecurity feels really strong, but you need to dive through it. Like jumping into water. Just pretend like you know what you are doing honestly.

Once you are in the water you'll find it isn't that cold and you can swim better than you thought.

Edited July 23, 2023 by Roy

[Roy]

14 minutes ago, Schierke said:

She later told me that she already waited for me to kiss her and that I could have done it way earlier.

When a girl says stuff like this it's an invitation/warning, "I want you to take me, but don't make me wait too long or I'll leave."

[Dauntment]

Nice job! I'd advise typical "male empowering" messages such as: building your confidence (Self-Love & Authenticity), do some inner work in regards of your anxiety/fear-based thinking, take some friends and start "going out" to build your experience social/public experience, etc.

 

There are many quotes like this but goes something along the lines of "The fear of our imaginations is often worse than the actual reality". In other words, perpetual thoughts of anxiety/self-doubt/fear, etc. will often self-fulfill themselves as "your mind creates your reality".

[Raze]

Just say sex is usually only good the fifth time to remove pressure, then look up useful videos or books on how to do it well and learn as you go on.

 

[BojackHorseman]

I was litterally in your situation, around the same age.

There's not bullshiting this. Honesty. Just say it's your first time. It will feel bad but let it out. At least she'll know. It might surprise her a bit. but if she's a decent person, she'll just help you.

And don't stress over the first time. Go slowly. Feel. You will miss things. It's ok. Just feel and share a good vibe.

Edited July 23, 2023 by BojackHorseman

[PlayOnWords]

Listen to @Roy. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Not sure if a romantic evening is even necessary to be honest, she sounds like she's ready to go and if she thinks it's gonna be another date with no sex you might even struggle to get her out. I'd just invite her round and dive in!

Edited July 24, 2023 by PlayOnWords

[flowboy]

17 hours ago, Roy said:

I know it's EXACT thing that little voice in the back of your head doesn't want to hear lol, but the best thing you can do is take 100% initiative to have sex with her and communicate your lack of experience. Don't do it in a way to make her feel pity. Just say, "My behavior was like this because this is where I am at, plain and simple." Look her in the eyes and communicate it in a direct way.

I would say it during undressing to build intimacy and show some vulnerability. Opening yourself up like that actually communicates STRENGTH because it shows you aren't afraid of taking a hit. Any girl that's worthwhile understands this and won't make fun of you or rub it in your face. It will make them trust you and more attracted.

I don't know this girl so I don't know how she will react, but I do know for sure she WILL leave you if you do nothing and don't take her and fuck her. If she is willing to kiss you, she is willing to have sex with you. It's just a matter of setting up a date where you can be alone somewhere together. Have a romantic evening/night set up that leads to it.

I know the insecurity feels really strong, but you need to dive through it. Like jumping into water. Just pretend like you know what you are doing honestly.

Once you are in the water you'll find it isn't that cold and you can swim better than you thought.

This.

The first times are going to be awkward, it's better to just accept that and courageously stride forward into the awkward times, than unrealistically expect yourself to behave as if you'd had the experience that you didn't. How is that fair to yourself?

One thing is for sure: you will lose her if you don't initiate.

[Fadious]

I was in a similar boat as well. Had my very first kiss with a girl in my late twenties, and it was very awkward. But, we kept seeing each other for a few more dates. I could sense the intimacy growing and that I would have to setup a date where sex is possible. I also was anxious and panicky about it because of the lack of experience, so I started watching videos and educating myself on how to give her a great time. So when the moment arrived, I didn't tell her, and I executed what I learned successfully. 
 

Fast forward 6 months down the line, we're both in love. I decide to reveal to her that she was in fact my first. She thanked me for letting her know, however she was a bit disappointed that I didn't tell her, because she would have liked to try to make it "more special" and I basically robbed her the opportunity to do such a human loving thing. There were no hard feelings, she just wished she could have made it even more unique

So please do yourself a favor, learn from my mistake. Tell her in the way Roy described, and be present every second of it. You don't get to have sex for the 1st time twice <3 

[Emotionalmosquito]

Find out if she’s into bdsm play and if so, tell her while she’s tied up. That way she can’t leave you 

For real though, maybe if the anxiety is too much to bare you could take a micro dose or low dose of alcohol before revealing you true power level? Depending on what your tolerance is. Might be useful just to free you up a little. Keep us posted because I can already tell ya I’m going to be facing this exact dilemma if I ever end up with a girl.