existential depression and anxiety

[Michiryoku]

Hi

After taking a high 300 Microgram LSD dose for the first time (alone) after which I had a bad trip for 2 hours, I have been suffering from panic attacks, OCD thoughts, Depersonalization, existential depression and flashbacks from bad memories like horror movies I watched and the suffering involved etc..

Because of this I have been in a mental hospital for the last 2 months and am now back at home and still visiting it 5 days a week, started taking antidepressants mirtacapine and escitalopram 3 weeks ago, stopped taking Benzos 4 weeks ago. I have developed serious doubt of the goodness of reality and have even sometimes become sceptical of the goodness of being. I often have bad beliefs like "how can there be good if its all just a zero sum game?". I often feel like something is missing in my experience not feeling real etc. feeling dissociated.

I feel like stuff isn't as real as before and joy feels fake. My goals seem fake and it seems pointless. My goals have lost their emotionness. I feel like I am just projecting on the world and that I don't really know what is and this scares me. This happened during the LSD trip.

I have been taking many measures to combat this like.
Behavior:

-Cold Showers (Since yesterday)

-Jogging 11 minutes a day

-Sprinting 20 seconds a day

-Meditating or at least trying 3 times a day for 5 minutes each

-Going to church every sunday

 

Nutrititon:

-Keto diet (often breaking it though)

-Intermittent fasting (often breaking it though)

-Vitamin Supplements (every Vitamin especially Vitamine D and C and Bs)

-Taurine

-Ashwagandha

-CBD Oil

-Drinking Lemon Balm tea

-Drinking Apple Cider Vinegar

-Eating Salad every day
-Taking Potassium supplements

 

Currently I am wondering if I should try Ketamine to combat this depression and existential dread and feeling like suffering is all there is due to feeling nihilistic.

Please suggest more usefull nootropics or practical tipps. I would be greatfull.

[Michiryoku]

As well as using the Flow headset stimulation which combats depression and anxiety.

[Michiryoku]

9 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

Hey, thanks for sharing:)

this sounds really uncomfortable....

i think it's great that you're working on establishing some type of routine for yourself though:) especially running seems to be quite effective when trying to reduce anxiety.

in my humble opinion i think you should stay away from the ketamine though. and obviously avoid psychedelics for a while too. 

as to the existential fears and doubts - i think you'll have to sit through them, as uncomfortable as it may be. hopefully you can also share openly with your therapists. and it could also be quite helpful for you to start a gratitude practice or focus on what's "good" in the here and now, what brings you joy, etc.

thanks any tipps will be followed through. I will also watch leos video on depression.

[Ulax]

@Michiryoku Hey dude,

Sorry to hear you are going through all this.

It sounds to me like you might fit a diagnosis of complex post traumatic stress disorder.

I'd recommend you get involved with one of the following therapy types:

- Internal family system therapy, Gestalt therapy, Craniosacral therapy, somatic experiencing therapy.

Edit: Also, re the ketamine, its my understanding that ketamine is a dissociative psychedelic. So perhaps a different type of psychedelic would be better for you while you are dissociated. That said, I'm not that knowledgeable re psychedelics. 

Edited July 23, 2023 by Ulax

[Salvijus]

4 hours ago, Michiryoku said:

I have been taking many measures to combat this like.
Behavior:

-Cold Showers (Since yesterday)

-Jogging 11 minutes a day

-Sprinting 20 seconds a day

-Meditating or at least trying 3 times a day for 5 minutes each

-Going to church every sunday

Wow. That's really commendable. 

4 hours ago, Michiryoku said:

Nutrititon:

-Drinking Apple Cider Vinegar

I heard this one could be problematic...

[Michiryoku]

3 hours ago, Ulax said:

@Michiryoku Hey dude,

Sorry to hear you are going through all this.

It sounds to me like you might fit a diagnosis of complex post traumatic stress disorder.

I'd recommend you get involved with one of the following therapy types:

- Internal family system therapy, Gestalt therapy, Craniosacral therapy, somatic experiencing therapy.

Edit: Also, re the ketamine, its my understanding that ketamine is a dissociative psychedelic. So perhaps a different type of psychedelic would be better for you while you are dissociated. That said, I'm not that knowledgeable re psychedelics. 

The internal family system seems interesting. I will look into all the therapy methods. 

[NoSelfSelf]

That's rough...spiritual journey sure has its dark moments,its mixed with nihilism, so that is normal on the journey, there is this battle :what is the point of it all ,induced by spiritual thruths and ego backlashes after each ego death.

Beware of nihilism as being another trick.If there is no point what is the point of making it a problem.

Spiritual journey has dark moments they pass.Sometimes they take weeks...nothing you can do about it.

If you havent had over 10 ego backlashes(could be more), you not doing the work properly..

Edited July 23, 2023 by NoSelfSelf

[BojackHorseman]

If drugs gave you panic attacks, then maybe you don't need them. Don't force it. (I would even ask, why do we need those in general, but the general mindset on this forum does not go in this direction, no offense, it's just how things are)

Quote

However, although some drugs may temporarily help with some symptoms of mental disorders, they may make the symptoms worse over time

There are many opinions about druges and mental disorders, but I think you might want to consider this one.

For the people that are happy and reaching awakening through drugs, it's cool. But they can't understand how it would affect some other people with problems they don't have.

So don't force it. Work on everything else. There's more than enough work to do for everyone.

[PlayOnWords]

That is a big dose for a first-timer so at least you've learned a lesson there.

Having said that, I'd be willing to bet that dormant trauma has been activated in the same way @Ulax suggested and it was probably inevitable, with psychedelics or not. Now you've got the task of doing inventory on your mind and discovering the roots of this disharmony. Deeply investigate your childhood and see if you can piece together the puzzle of recognising how it's playing out in your mind today - therapy is great for this. I also suggest visiting a practitioner of some form of bodywork, you will see in my previous posts I have been banging on about Jin Shin Jyutsu.

I resonated with your post a fair bit and I feel like I was in a similar position not so long ago, even with the sudden changes of diet, nootropics, exercise etc so I'm really rooting for you.

[Raze]

Get ifs therapy 

try self inquiry

do weight lifting, Pilates, and yoga

do positive psychology exercises 

[Michael569]

Sounds like you lost the footing with the LSD trip and now need to reground yourself. 

Probably going easy on spirituality for some time and practicing more "down to earth" activities and habits would help. 

• Eating - Intermittent fasting can be stressful for the body - you are already tense so it might be better idea to eat more often, more cooked foods even. There is some evidence that skipping meals increases circulating levels of cortisol in the morning. Might be good to experiment with more balanced approach. I'd go back to regular meals. I'd even reconsider keto for something like a nice balanced mid carb mid fat mid protein approach combined with lots of fruits, veggies, cooked aromatic dishes. Think curries, stews, soups, Mexican and Indian dishes. Panic attacks are a Yin condition and you need to counter with a Yang diet. 
• Weight lifting - If standing under a heavy barbell is not a grunding activity then I don't know what is   Not the most spiritual but what you need is to put some weights on to figuratively" hold you down" - weights are an awesome way to do that, no to mention extremely beneficial for mental health through neuroplastic adaptations. 
• Those cold showers I'd reconsider too - you might actually benefit from taking hot showers. COld exposure is stressful , again turn the tap on activivities that put your adrenals on hyperdrive. Cold exposure is for people who are burned out, you are too hyped up and need to calm down 
• Church and prayer - yeah this is good. 

• 21 hours ago, Michiryoku said:

  Vitamin Supplements (every Vitamin especially Vitamine D and C and Bs)

  -Taurine

  -Ashwagandha

  -CBD Oil

  -Drinking Lemon Balm tea

  -Drinking Apple Cider Vinegar

  -Eating Salad every day
  -Taking Potassium supplements

  those seem all like a decent chocie for your condition. Are you on any meds? 

• With that ketamine - it is important to find an experienced practitioner to guide you and who will supply you with clean product. I would say focus on lifestyle and diet before going into this thing. 

Couple more things you can try. 

• I found headstands oddly calming or just hanging your head off the sofa for 2 minutes seems to activate parasympathetic dominance (maybe that's not how it works). Or just some light yoga practice  - bridges, downward facing dog etc. Remain in a single position for longer and focus on calming down your breath.  
• journalling - on everything that happened to help yourself process
• IFS - someone already mentioned this. Not a bad idea. 
• Do you camp? Do you have any outdoor experience? Spending more time outdoor on your own could help (when you feel better). Like camping solo for a day or two twice a month could work extremely well. Solo hiking has helped me put my mind in order a lot of times before. Ideally choose a location that is not too busy as human interactions take you outside of reflection. 

And finally - when you are in limbo like this what you need is to reconsider your purpose in life and open yourself up to new calling and ane journey. Maybe everything seems meaningless exactly because you realised your life was missing a deeper spark. But maybe you're not ready to fly away into enightenment yet and what you need is to take a stage Yellow approach and put some energy into life purpose work. That outdoor time can help you. 

Edited July 24, 2023 by Michael569

[Michiryoku]

On 7/24/2023 at 0:11 PM, Michael569 said:

Sounds like you lost the footing with the LSD trip and now need to reground yourself. 

Probably going easy on spirituality for some time and practicing more "down to earth" activities and habits would help. 

• Eating - Intermittent fasting can be stressful for the body - you are already tense so it might be better idea to eat more often, more cooked foods even. There is some evidence that skipping meals increases circulating levels of cortisol in the morning. Might be good to experiment with more balanced approach. I'd go back to regular meals. I'd even reconsider keto for something like a nice balanced mid carb mid fat mid protein approach combined with lots of fruits, veggies, cooked aromatic dishes. Think curries, stews, soups, Mexican and Indian dishes. Panic attacks are a Yin condition and you need to counter with a Yang diet. 
• Weight lifting - If standing under a heavy barbell is not a grunding activity then I don't know what is   Not the most spiritual but what you need is to put some weights on to figuratively" hold you down" - weights are an awesome way to do that, no to mention extremely beneficial for mental health through neuroplastic adaptations. 
• Those cold showers I'd reconsider too - you might actually benefit from taking hot showers. COld exposure is stressful , again turn the tap on activivities that put your adrenals on hyperdrive. Cold exposure is for people who are burned out, you are too hyped up and need to calm down 
• Church and prayer - yeah this is good. 

• those seem all like a decent chocie for your condition. Are you on any meds? 

• With that ketamine - it is important to find an experienced practitioner to guide you and who will supply you with clean product. I would say focus on lifestyle and diet before going into this thing. 

Couple more things you can try. 

• I found headstands oddly calming or just hanging your head off the sofa for 2 minutes seems to activate parasympathetic dominance (maybe that's not how it works). Or just some light yoga practice  - bridges, downward facing dog etc. Remain in a single position for longer and focus on calming down your breath.  
• journalling - on everything that happened to help yourself process
• IFS - someone already mentioned this. Not a bad idea. 
• Do you camp? Do you have any outdoor experience? Spending more time outdoor on your own could help (when you feel better). Like camping solo for a day or two twice a month could work extremely well. Solo hiking has helped me put my mind in order a lot of times before. Ideally choose a location that is not too busy as human interactions take you outside of reflection. 

And finally - when you are in limbo like this what you need is to reconsider your purpose in life and open yourself up to new calling and ane journey. Maybe everything seems meaningless exactly because you realised your life was missing a deeper spark. But maybe you're not ready to fly away into enightenment yet and what you need is to take a stage Yellow approach and put some energy into life purpose work. That outdoor time can help you. 

I wont stop the cold showers because they make me feel very calm at night.

 

Im doing brain stimulatuion as well as taking 2 antidepressants for 3 weeks nlw that i took for a few years before. I also am now taking an antipsychotic since today which i think is good since i often have visions of nasty stuff that annoy me and also a bit of paranoia thoughts mixed in. 

On 7/23/2023 at 4:00 PM, Ulax said:

@Michiryoku Hey dude,

Sorry to hear you are going through all this.

It sounds to me like you might fit a diagnosis of complex post traumatic stress disorder.

I'd recommend you get involved with one of the following therapy types:

- Internal family system therapy, Gestalt therapy, Craniosacral therapy, somatic experiencing therapy.

Edit: Also, re the ketamine, its my understanding that ketamine is a dissociative psychedelic. So perhaps a different type of psychedelic would be better for you while you are dissociated. That said, I'm not that knowledgeable re psychedelics. 

The internal family system seems interesting. I will look into all the therapy methods. 

[Michiryoku]

On 7/24/2023 at 0:11 PM, Michael569 said:

Sounds like you lost the footing with the LSD trip and now need to reground yourself. 

Probably going easy on spirituality for some time and practicing more "down to earth" activities and habits would help. 

• Eating - Intermittent fasting can be stressful for the body - you are already tense so it might be better idea to eat more often, more cooked foods even. There is some evidence that skipping meals increases circulating levels of cortisol in the morning. Might be good to experiment with more balanced approach. I'd go back to regular meals. I'd even reconsider keto for something like a nice balanced mid carb mid fat mid protein approach combined with lots of fruits, veggies, cooked aromatic dishes. Think curries, stews, soups, Mexican and Indian dishes. Panic attacks are a Yin condition and you need to counter with a Yang diet. 
• Weight lifting - If standing under a heavy barbell is not a grunding activity then I don't know what is   Not the most spiritual but what you need is to put some weights on to figuratively" hold you down" - weights are an awesome way to do that, no to mention extremely beneficial for mental health through neuroplastic adaptations. 
• Those cold showers I'd reconsider too - you might actually benefit from taking hot showers. COld exposure is stressful , again turn the tap on activivities that put your adrenals on hyperdrive. Cold exposure is for people who are burned out, you are too hyped up and need to calm down 
• Church and prayer - yeah this is good. 

• those seem all like a decent chocie for your condition. Are you on any meds? 

• With that ketamine - it is important to find an experienced practitioner to guide you and who will supply you with clean product. I would say focus on lifestyle and diet before going into this thing. 

Couple more things you can try. 

• I found headstands oddly calming or just hanging your head off the sofa for 2 minutes seems to activate parasympathetic dominance (maybe that's not how it works). Or just some light yoga practice  - bridges, downward facing dog etc. Remain in a single position for longer and focus on calming down your breath.  
• journalling - on everything that happened to help yourself process
• IFS - someone already mentioned this. Not a bad idea. 
• Do you camp? Do you have any outdoor experience? Spending more time outdoor on your own could help (when you feel better). Like camping solo for a day or two twice a month could work extremely well. Solo hiking has helped me put my mind in order a lot of times before. Ideally choose a location that is not too busy as human interactions take you outside of reflection. 

And finally - when you are in limbo like this what you need is to reconsider your purpose in life and open yourself up to new calling and ane journey. Maybe everything seems meaningless exactly because you realised your life was missing a deeper spark. But maybe you're not ready to fly away into enightenment yet and what you need is to take a stage Yellow approach and put some energy into life purpose work. That outdoor time can help you. 

I started meditating 20 minutes a day 3 days ago as well as 20 minutes of awareness of the 3 senses according to leo