Dear Mom

[Princess Arabia]

Dear Mom,

There's something I'd like to say to you

Something about me you never knew

I used to admire you and your style

As someone I longed to be for awhile 

You always carried yourself with grace

You were so much more than a pretty face

Your smile would light up the whole damn room

And you were so poised even when you'd fume

I considered you my hero for many years

I saw no one who could match your tier

Even when you were mad, you showed some couth

Throughout the hard times I gave as a youth

Throughout the good and throughout the bad

You never left my side, even when you left dad

You showed me without words how to stay strong

And that's what i'll do for you because you belong

In my heart forevermore 

More than I can say, more than I can store.

I LOVE YOU MOM!

 

Edited July 24, 2023 by Princess Arabia

[Princess Arabia]

 

[thenondualtankie]

❤️

[Princess Arabia]

Momma and her baby girl will shine together. Forever.

[Princess Arabia]

Mom, 

The day that we say goodbye to you is coming.. Aug 4th. That's the day before you gave birth to Floyd. Even though you'll always be with us, I understand we as a family like to come together and officially say goodbye as something we call a funeral. 

I will have to travel for a bit to get to Florida to meet up with everyone; and even as I write this, I'm filling up with tears. You've showed me throughout the years what human strength really looks like; and I think if it wasn't because of that, I would have collapsed years ago from my petty little problems I thought was the end of the world. I used to compare them to the stuff I've seen you pull through and said to myself, "Really, get a grip". 

Well, there is nothing worse than losing a child, I heard, and all yours are still here. So you didn't have to experience that. Grandma passed not too long ago herself, and I know you were never the same after that because she was your rock. I will have to see you as something else other than my rock because, that is too much to handle mentally because my mind cannot handle losing its rock. 

Mom, you need to be my giant Boulder now, on that special day. I don't know how I'm going to manage seeing you like that for the last time. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I'm writing this to you to ask for some extra strength on that day. My mind wants to keep me safe and protected, and is projecting itself unto that day and is trying to conjure up ways to cope when it's not even here yet. Then I try to bring it back to comfort it, which only works for a short time. So I'm writing it out to release some of that anxiousness. Something I've never really had a problem with because things have always worked out for me and I've learnt to not worry about stuff too much, that came with practice and experience. 

I've never had to deal with this kind of a loss, and even though being Spiritual is helping, nothing compares to going through the experience directly.

I'm going to need you to help me get through that special day. I'm going to really have to talk to the mind that day and try to comfort it; and even though it's not here now, it doesn't matter at this point, it just doesn't want to hear it. I let it do its thing, and I am learning to not focus on what it is saying about the upcoming event, and it doesn't last long, but it's stubborn. 

I'm ok for now because life has a lot of distractions and they come in handy in times like this. It's just when I think about the day that's coming, the mind starts to fantasize and saying all kinds of stuff that has nothing to do with what I'm currently experiencing. But I pinch myself to bring it back in the present moment and then it gets quiet because it doesn't know anything about that. I try to shut it up and curse it but then I remember how that doesn't help because that's what it wants - attention. So I'm learning to not even ignore it but to just see it for whatever it is, but in this case, it's more challenging. I'm allowing myself to feel what's coming up, when it does in spurts, but gosh, whew. I even start to curse God as to why it had to design life this way, then I start laughing when I feel it's energy flowing through my heart and an overwhelming sense of peace emerges.

Anyway mom, bye for now and I hope you like the songs I dedicated to you. God is such a wonderful musician and artist, it even used you to design the wonderful clothing you used to make for people and the beautiful flower arrangements you so much loved to do. You were a gifted artist in your own unique way and I will remember how much YOU were my gift from God.

Your little baby girl.

P.S. Mom, I read something today that will help me in my thought process for our special day. I instantly knew it was a message from you. Thank you. I  have been affirmatively acknowledging to the Universe everytime I've recognized it's messages to me so it knows I'm listening and they keep coming. 

 

Edited July 27, 2023 by Princess Arabia

[Princess Arabia]

Mom, this shit is still surreal. I'm still carrying on with my antics and daily life, then it hits me again. I'm starting to feel bipolar. Of course, it's not the case, but you know me. Everyone is telling me to cry when I feel like and don't suppress anything, but pity do they know, I don't know how to not do that. I need to know how not to cry, but there's no remedy for that because it comes naturally, spontaneously. I could be laughing one moment and crying the next. 

It's funny how death separates us and at the same time, brings us together. You're gone but now I'm hearing from people out of the wood works and even talking with family members even more now. I guess after this dies down its back to normal, just me and you. My right nipple has been burning since you passed, and I googled it and it says a loved one is trying to communicate with you. That was in the superstition part. I don't know about all, that but I'm communicating with you right now. 

I was talking to Miss Curry yesterday and she told me she remembered when I screamed out loud when the frog was in the toilet, and she said you wouldn't go near that frog. Do you know, I was just thinking about that, the day before when I went to the toilet, and was saying to myself, did that really happen or was it some memory I made up. Then out the blue she mentioned it. Thats some scary shit, Mom, you need to stop it. I told Miss Curry you were rolling in your grave when you haven't even been buried yet. That's how this shit is for me. I can't even be rational about it. 

Anyway, by for now, remember you gave me this pic. I look mischievous don't I, like I just stole some cookies and hid it in my draws, looking at you like, "what"? Love you Mom.

Your little baby girl.

Edited July 28, 2023 by Princess Arabia

[Princess Arabia]

How can I not dedicate a Whitney's song to you. She always reminded me of you. I also cried when she died. I look to you for strength, mom.

 

Edited July 29, 2023 by Princess Arabia

[Princess Arabia]

Here' to you Mom. I love you. 

[Princess Arabia]

Mom, it's hitting hard tonight. I just realized that you're actually gone. Damn.if I do damn if.i don't. I try not to wallow .but when I think of you I can't help it. There's a knot in my stomach tonight. It's hitting me.know like a fucking brick. See you tomorrow..

[Princess Arabia]

Mom, let's lighten up the scene a bit. Here's your favorite group. I remember you used to play Abba all the time. I couldn't stand it. Now here I am dedicating their song to you. I still can't stand it. Lol. Love you mom. Funny how all the other videos I sent to you made me cry but this one. I cried enough last night, maybe that's why this is the one today. I'm doing OK, though...no im.not...just started again. Ok let me play this stupid song that doesn't make me cry...love you.

[Princess Arabia]

Mom, tomorrow is the day and I'm here getting all freaked out. I don't know if I can handle seeing you in that condition. It's going to be very hard for me but thank goodness family will be there to help in the process. I'm sitting here at home seeing the picture in my mind and it's making me panic, imagine what the real thing will feel like. The brain doesn't know the difference between what's real and imagined so I'm going to have to conjure up some story in my mind to help ease the pain. I'll just pretend you're sleeping and having sweet dreams about our good times together when we used to talk for 3hrs straight and laugh about our times back home when I was a kid. Remember this picture. I remember when you used to yank my hair to try to comb it and I used to cry cause you we're so rough with it and it was too much to handle, now I wish you were here to yank it some more. Little Maya turned out to be a reporter and did good for herself, that little sweet baby girl. Lavern isn't in this picture, but I remember those days. 

Writing this has calmed me down a bit and Titi is here with me soothing me. You never met her, but she's quite the cat. She has a personality like no other cat I've had, and you know how much I love cats. I'll send you a pic of her sometime but for now here's to you and the kids you've raised that are all grown up now and will all meet again tomorrow. I can't stand it. I know I'll get through this, and it takes time, but it's hard going through the process. A different kind of hard. A hard I've never felt before, a hard that is harder than my petty little problems that's so minute compared to this. I've been trying to be normal and continue with my life, and doing this helps me. So long for now.

Edited August 3, 2023 by Princess Arabia

[Princess Arabia]

Hi Mom, I'm on the plane now going back home. The flight was delayed but it finally took off. Oh my, don't I have a lot to tell you. Everything went ok, just a little bit of time delay. Mom, did you see I could hardly talk. Paulette had to rush up to the stage to hold me, she thought I was about to fall. I was going to read the poem I wrote you, but I changed my mind because I knew it would have been a disaster so when they called my name, I just said I love you mom, then broke down. Anyway, it could've been worse where I could have passed out, and I knew you would've gotten out that coffin and picked me up, and scared the shit outta everyone there, so it worked out. Aunt Cherry was there and Jackie. Well, you were there, so you know.

I wanted to jump in at the final burial when they were laying the flowers, but I said to myself. you would probably scold me and told me to wait my turn so I didn't bother. Did you see they live streamed it on Youtube. I was like just sitting there staring into space most of the time anyway, but at least it's on tape for me to look at whenever I feel like. 

Florida was hot but wasn't too bad. Miss Curry was helpful and she gave you a really nice whatever they call that. Afterwards, back at the AirB which was lovely, we stayed up for a while reminiscing about the good ole days. 

Mom, I miss you, but I know you're ok. You looked so peaceful. You never left the Lord and you were a devout Christian, the people from your church spoke highly of you and all miss you. Mom, even tho, I view things differently than you Spiritually, and even though I never told you about the stuff i got into, I knew you felt it, because of the changes you went through. Energetically, and I can't explain it, I just know you were affected somehow. I won't get into that but thats why those things were happening to you mother/daughter connection. 

About to land now, mom. Gotta go. Love you.

Edited August 6, 2023 by Princess Arabia

[Princess Arabia]

S.I.P. My dear Mother.

You are loved by so many. You will be dearly missed. It pains my heart. I will never be the same. I love you. I hate this design, but I know it is how it has to be. Until we meet again. Why, why, why oh why. 

[Princess Arabia]

Mom, I don't have any regrets in life. I've come to the understanding that everything in life, good or bad, is there for a reason and is happening for the highest good; and I probably wouldn't be where I am today mentally if it wasn't for the things I experienced. But I must say, up to this point, the only thing I regret is not giving you a hug and holding you one last time before your passing and to see that beautiful smile of yours again in person.

I will cherish our memories together and will never forget the times we shared as mother and daughter and how you raised me to become the loving person I am today. You never really directly taught me to be loving, but I saw how much you loved God and the strength you emitted from that love. The light around you was enough for me to see how much love you had inside you, and even when you used to scold me, I knew it was coming from love even back then when it was happening. 

There was a time in my adulthood, not too long ago you said to me you wish you had raised us better and how you were sorry you never showed us more of how a parent should raise a child and I was shocked to hear you say that. I never responded, because I had to process it for a minute because I thought you did a great job. You made sure I went to school, infact, you made sure all of us finished high school, and I never forgot the time when the busses went on strike and you made us walk. Mom, it was far, so far my shoes got torn apart and my feet got blistered up. Lol. 

You made me go to church with you and I never went a night without dinner. You never spoke badly about your children to either of us, and you made sure we respected our elders. There is so much more good I can say, but I'll leave it at that for now. Even the bad times were good because, it made us closer in the end. 

Mom, when I was taking the picture of your resting bed, and when they were lowering it, I wanted to jump in and hug it but I didn't want to create a scene, so I thought I better not incase they called the paramedics. Lol. I haven't gotten used to this yet, and probably never will, but I know you're still here with me so I'm not worried about getting used to you not being here physically, as long as I can still feel you and I have your pictures hanging in my room. It's a bitter-sweet thing, because every time I look at them now I look at you differently in the sense that you are no longer here physically. 

Bye for now and, i'll try not to get too sad because I know that's not what you would have wanted. It's spontaneous, my flowing emotions, but I try not to hold it in. I realize this will be an ongoing thing for now and only time will make the pain less unbearable. I love you and miss you and will be talking to you soon, or I should say writing you soon, because every few minutes I'm saying hi to you. Now I have two of you I'm talking to, my soul guide, and now you. I know you're both the same, but my mind doesn't, and I dare not confuse it so I let it do it's thing. 

Lots of hugs and kisses'

Your little baby girl.

 

 

Edited August 7, 2023 by Princess Arabia

[Princess Arabia]

Hi Mom, 

The feeling is starting to get weird. I look at your photo in my room now, and the feeling that comes up for me now is like you never existed or you still exist. It's like a question mark in my head. Was she ever here or is she really gone. I'm not going off of what I intellectually know about what death is but how I feel. People die all the time, but this hits home, so it's different for me but, the initial shock is just starting to wear off. It's been about 3weeks and I guess I'm starting to process it. I don't know the stages people go through with this kind of stuff, having mom pass away, I can only go by my own.

I'm not in denial, it's just starting to feel weird. The other night I was drinking and when I got home and saw your picture, I started bawling my eyes out. I cried so much I fell asleep and when I woke up, my eyes were so puffy I looked like a dead fish. I have the YouTube poster Pic I got from the funeral home up and it just looks weird seeing you on a poster pic with the YT emblem on it. 

I get mixed feelings about that but I don't dwell on it too much since I understand times have changed and this is the Era of social media, just like the convenience of starting a journal online about my feelings. I'm sitting here wondering what it must be like to be here one minute and then gone the next. Most people don't think about death till it hit's home. I know why, but it's just weird when I see your picture now, it's like you were never here. That just started today and is probably a part of my personal grieving process and now I am wondering what it's gonna be like in the coming days and weeks. I just hope I don't start to freak out and start asking everybody, "have you seen my momma, she's missing". The only thing that's a surety in life, most people don't talk about and some even get angry if you do. I guess if I knew I didn't exist, I wouldn't want to confront it either.

Anyway mom, just thought I'd express those feelings to you as it's coming up. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll see you as Popeye eating spinach and the next day as Dulcimenia gossiping with the neighbors. Dunno. Whatever comes up, comes up. 

Love you,

Your little baby girl.

[Princess Arabia]

Hi Mom,

I think I've gotten to the point where I will not mourn your passing anymore. I will celebrate your life. I will celebrate life as a whole. It has dawned on me that you were never here. You couldn't have been, because you would still be here. You can't just be here one minute and gone the next. Makes no sense. This is utter rubbish. I will not fall for this trick anymore. 

All my life I've seen people come and go, all the time and I was playing the game all along. People from all walks of life, celebrities, neighbors, distant family members, strangers but nothing hit like this. This is different. This woke me up to death. This here made me realize that you were never here to begin with. 

I've heard these stories before but never really grasped it until now. Now that it hit home, now that I can feel it in my bones, my cells, my heart. Well, not really my heart because my heart is different. I feel you everywhere else but the heart. In my heart I can feel God. You are God and that's where you are. Always were and always will be. I can't even feel myself. I don't know where I am. I only feel sensations. They come and they go. Everything comes and goes. Only awareness remains. The light. The light that shines on everything I'm aware of. I'm only aware of your memory. I don't want to be aware of your memory. I want to be aware of you. So, as long as I'm aware I am you and you are me. That's it. So as long as I'm living you're living. As long as I'm here you're here, not as a memory but actual. 

I will not play that part of the game anymore. I quit. Only I remain. Only I AM. What is you. You don't and never existed. Only I exist and only existence is real. I don't refer to you as I so how can you have existed. Is this still part of the game? Well, it's the part I want to play. So there. I AM THAT I AM. 

Talk to you soon. Yes, I'm playing both parts. Why not. I have nothing else better to do. I'm the great I AM and I can become whatever I want. It's all a mind game anyway. Let's just keep it that way and see who wins. 

Your little baby girl 

[Princess Arabia]

Hi Mom,

I feel you everyday. I still can't believe you're gone. I am dealing with this the best I can. Evertime I look at your picture on my wall, I feel love. Your passing has left an impact on me. I feel so much love inside me now. More than ever. I am emanating lots of love. Glowing. Shining. I love and miss you. 

Your little baby girl

[Princess Arabia]

Hi Mom

Life is weird, but how can I say life is weird when I've never experienced anything but life. What am I comparing it to. Death? But I've never been dead. Or Am I, have I, are you, Mom. I don't, know. That's what I mean. Shit's just weird. Weird and beautiful at the same time. Sometimes I wish it wasn't such a mystery, and then I'm OK with it 'cause who wants to know everything about everything. Then what. What would be left to know. What would be left to experience, if you already know what's coming. Animals are just being animals while humans are trying to figure shit out. But what if there's nothing to figure out. What if this is just a stuck recording, just jeep playing itself over and over and over and over and over forever. That's what it feels like sometimes. Nothing new, just the same ole shit, but in different ways. The same shit showing up differently.

So now I just create shit for myself just to act as it's something new, so I can solve that shit to create more shit to solve. Then I pretend I'm sad, just to find shit to be happy about, then I pretend to be happy just so I don't feel sad. I mean this shit just feels like I'm all alone just making up shit so i don't have to feel alone. Then when something great happens I pretend I got lucky or life is good, then when something sucks i pretend life sucks, I mean it just never ends. Nothing ever ends. Infinite gratitude for this Infinite Self. I can see it Mom.

I love you

Your little baby girl

[Princess Arabia]

Hi Mom, I don't know what I'm feeling sometimes when I see your picture on my wall. I Sit in my room and look up and there you are. The one that's really weird is the one with you on the YT flyer where your funeral was live streamed. It feels so weird looking at it as if it's just your picture then when I read the Title, Funeral Services for....I cringe. Your smile is so beautiful in that picture and you look so happy. I still haven't come to grips with you being gone and when I realize I'm never going see you alive again, whatever that means, it makes me sad.

I miss you and hope you can just come back to visit me again and we sit and talk forever like old times and cook and go to the store and laugh and play games. All the stuff i know about Reality falls out the window, when I see your picture and it doesn't matter. All I know is I wish sometimes it were different and that it was designed some other way. Sob sob.

Your little baby girl

Edited August 25, 2023 by Princess Arabia

[Princess Arabia]

Hi Mom, I think about you everyday. I wish sometimes you were still here so I could hug you again. I get sad sometimes that your grave is so far away and that I can't go visit every week or so, but I know you're still here. I feel your presence. It still feels a bit weird to me, this death thing, as if you were never really here, but I try not to dwell on that. I'm just glad you're ok now and at peace.

Your little baby girl

Edited September 3, 2023 by Princess Arabia