I don't understand the way my ex moved on

[Valach]

7 hours ago, Roy said:

1. Use some paragraphs, jesus christ.

Sorry man. I wanted to get the message out and edit it later, but turns out. I am not able to edit after posting

7 hours ago, Roy said:

2. She literally cheated on him with you and is double dipping, getting the companionship and boyfriend status from him, but lusting for sex and intimacy she got when she hooked up with you again. She has no integrity and doesn't know what she wants.

I am not sure she cheated on him per say. When shit happened we talked about it and she said they did not promise anything to each other and she doesnt know if he is sleeping with anyone else. However I was very surprised that she "commited" to him -> Again just assuming here, haven't talked to her in a month but traveling with a dude to foreign country doesn't seem like something you do when you are just casual.

7 hours ago, Roy said:

3. Like most women her age, she is about as emotional stability as an Iraqi government. Unable to be honest and communicate to her boyfriend what she really needs.

That's the weird stuff. When we were together she was actually very communicative and honest with me. I would say she was more mature then me. That's why all this feels weird to me, it's not "not her".

7 hours ago, Roy said:

4. You can do better, and ARE better (minus the sleeping with her when she's seeing someone for months, that's not good man.) You need to delete her from all media and never contact her again. Actually make a commitment to being broken up. Don't see her again.

Yeah, partially it's me not having integrity. However as I said, when we were talking before sex, I asked her about her dating life and she said she's been with someone and it was alright. I kinda just assumed that means she went on a couple of dates and slept with some dude, I didn't know it's been a 4 month situationship.

7 hours ago, Roy said:

5. The reason it feels off is because there is a fundamental jealousy that we all know it's 100x easier for women to get into relationships than a man. Most girls have guys trying to get with them all the time, waiting on the bench. It's just a matter of her keeping them waiting until there is an opportunity. 

Yeah, me getting back into game has been real struggle. I feel like I still struggle till now.

 

[Valach]

7 hours ago, Roy said:

Maybe not for you, but it is for the OP, which is why he made the post. Emotions don't have to be rational.

 

Right. Emotions are a bitch hah. I am not sure what I am jealous of exactly. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss her and all that. At least we've stopped chatting to clear space.

[Valach]

8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

1) You can't get back together after you two already broke up. It will be a shitshow. When you break up you need to end all contact.

Why do you think that? Is there never a way to rebuild a relationship. I know people say that you don't return to an ex until the reason you've broken up has been solved and I agree with that. But if it was solved? What then?

[Valach]

14 hours ago, Something Funny said:

@Valach @Roy I don't get what is there to be jealous about? She didn't move on an couldn't find a partner who satisfies her and has to settle for some random guy who used to be her friend.

Because, despite of what Roy said above, she doesn't have a line of guys wanting to date her?

Like she had literally been stuck with a random guy who she shits on for half a year. What is there to be jealous about?

Imagine cheating on a guy,  complaining how much he sucks, and then going and doubling down on a relationship with him.

Besides it being a shitty thing to do morally, it is also such a loser move, lol.

Well she didn't shit on him per say.

She said he's really nice and stable and has his shit together, but that something is missing - some passion or spark. And that she is not really satisfied when it comes to sex.

[Harman]

To be honest do both work on yourself and talk to her but up to you. 

[Leo Gura]

15 hours ago, docs20 said:

How do you healthly convey this to her since the first date?

The top mistake is trying to do it too soon. You should not do that on the first date.

[flowboy]

On 21/07/2023 at 10:21 AM, Valach said:

Hey guys,

I do have interesting situation going in regarding the way we broke up with my ex or rather the way she moved on. I guess more than an advice I am in a need to vent since I have noone to talk to abou this.So me  and my ex (we are both 26) broke up at the start of the year. It came from my side and it was because I was just not certain we want same things. However even when breaking up or right after break up, I still cared for her and had feelings and we made of mistake - we stayed in the contact.Anyway throughout the next 6 months we were in a contact, writing quite often to each other. We've even met couple of times, but never had anything physical together. It was either her helping me when I was sick or me helping her with her exams (she really struggles with those).Anyway we met at the end of last month, July. We went to a shisha place, had some coctails and all was good, just catching up and talking. Then the night progressed and we went to her place to cook dinner. She asked me about my dating life to which I answered I am not seeing anyone at the moment. I asked her the same -> now it gets kind of weird. She told me she is seeing someone, but that she is not so happy about it, there is something misssing, some spark or passion or something like that (I guess that means she didn't really have proper feelings for the guy??). She also told me that she changed her requirements for relationships quite a bit. She told me she doesn't think she will ever love someone as much as she did me and is more looking for other characteristics like being stable and kind etc.? Didn't really know what to make out of this but didn't think about it that much.Night progressed and as you can guess it, we slept together. Then she opened to me more. The guy she is dating is her younger colleague(21M) whom she befriended at the end out our relationship. After the sex she told me that one thing missing with this guy is that the sex is not really that great and she was telling me how she finally got fucked properly, how much she needed this etc. She also told me she was seeing this guy for 4 months already. I was really surprised, first of all, didn't really understand why she is with him in the first place and then I just kinda assumed that it was my shorter relationship because 4 months in I was already official with her.Anyway we part ways and the next week is kinda fucked up emotionally. Me sleeping with her hit me way harder then I imagined and I did miss her a some feelings accured. We were in a contact the following week, but just writing to each other and stuff like that. The next weekend after us sleeping together, she goes to a party, gets' little drunk a writes me that she misses me. I missed her too but I guess I just wasn't sure about all of this and brushed things off. We stop writting to each other. 2 days after that she reaches out to me cursing me, saying I gave her chance and then burned it (which I might have), she tells me she still loves me and that the whole week she was thinking about how to break things off with the guy.From then we were not in contact, it's been 3-4 weeks. I started dating casually a new girl (more like sleeping together) but I still miss my ex and think about daily. Now eventhough I am still not talking to her anymore, I still follow her on Instagram. And last week I could not believe what I saw -> she went out to holidays to Albania, with the guy I mentioned, even showed him in the story, so I guess it's official. Indeed, I am bit jealous about all of this, but I am more confused than anything. I do not understand how she can tell all the stuff she is unhappy with the guy she is seeing and how she was essentially waiting for me to say something to get her back and then 3 weeks after that she goes off to travel with him? If I am being honest, besides being jealous I feel sorry for the guy, to me it just seems he is a second option to her? Anyway from this point, I am not sure what all this mean? Anyone with outside view who could share his/her's view on this? I just can't wrap my head around it.

@Valach Here's what's going on.

1. She's using the poor other guy as a placeholder until she gets you back, or someone of a similar caliber. It isn't going to last with him - guaranteed.
2. She's telling you almost literally that she is willing to have whatever kind of relationship you want with her (hint hint - a change to shape the relationship completely how you want, what does that tell you?)
3. She's using Instagram to manipulate you, make you jealous and get your attention
4. You are really the man in her eyes, she has a lot of respect for you. This means you have quite a lot of leverage, until she gives up on you or meets someone else she can respect in that way.

What to do with this?

1. Now that she's more flexible on the configuration of relationship she wants, decide whether you want her back on YOUR terms
2. If you do, then don't be daft and indecisive, call her and tell her to break it off and come home to you IMMEDIATELY. She will comply if you do that now. If you wait a week, the indecisiveness you show may cause her to change her mind and really forget you.
3. However: she's displayed some serious immature behavior here, namely cheating on her current guy and emotional manipulation through instagram. As well as keeping a guy around just to save face / be less alone. This is NOT mature behavior. Based on this you might decide that she's not for you, or you might decide that you can grow out of this immaturity together (perhaps you also have some). Which means you have to set the STANDARDS. (tell her we're not going to tolerate this level of behavior from each other in the future, starting now, or it is over)
4. Whatever you decide, uninstall instagram and block the website. There's nothing for you there. Instagram is for stealing men's attention and emotionally manipulating them. I used to have it for "following interesting people" but really for following my exes, might-have-beens and random girls showing their ass. It's for suckers. Don't let yourself be manipulated like that and delete it.
5. Make a decision within a few days and act accordingly. Either cut her out completely and cleanly or set the standards for how she can come back in and tell her to come back in. Being wishy-washy and indecisive will cause regret and make this a festering ugly emotional process stealing your attention and energy for months to come.

Sorry about the caps and the strong language, I just came from the gym.

I'm certain about what I said though and wish you the best with this situation.

I would advise spending a day in nature without your phone, taking a pen and a journal with you, and make yourself decide after that day which way you'll go. It's what I did. I went into the forest, cried a lot, wrote a lot, pro and con lists, imagining futures with and without her, and made a decision. Then acted accordingly the next week. It worked out well for me.

Don't let it fester.

Edited July 24, 2023 by flowboy

[flowboy]

On 23/07/2023 at 6:35 AM, Leo Gura said:

You can't get back together after you two already broke up. It will be a shitshow. When you break up you need to end all contact.

False. I got back together after breaking up, and the issues on both sides that caused the breakup are either transcended or heavily diminished now. Happily engaged now. I guess an important factor is whether the other person has a motivation to grow and develop herself just like you, or whether she's likely to stay complacent.

[Something Funny]

On 7/23/2023 at 9:58 PM, Valach said:

Well she didn't shit on him per say.

She said he's really nice and stable and has his shit together, but that something is missing - some passion or spark. And that she is not really satisfied when it comes to sex.

*she politely shitted on him