I Need Help Healing From A Heartbreak

[Guest username]

Between two and three years ago, I fell in romantic love for the first time. To date, I have not had a more powerful emotional experience. I thought about her day and night. I grew up and somewhat of a social outcast, so I was lonely and friendless before meeting her.  She changed that, and it was the first time I ever recall being happy. I loved being around her, and I was strongly attracted

 

She was beautiful, not just in my opinion, but was VERY conventionally attractive and an object of desire by many men, intelligent (one of the top students in a class of several hundred), kind, compassionate, socially adept, a good listener, etc. I thought she really cared about me. She had a boyfriend at the time though, and I was just trying to be friends, but my feelings were too powerful and fucked it all up.  She got uncomfortable and I found out she didn't even find me attractive. She dropped me and eventually broke up with her boyfriend.

 

Then she went, lost her virginity, and continued having sex with lots of men she found attractive(found this out later). We kept in touch marginally while I was going through crippling depression. She hinted at the fact that she was having the time of her life, and when I tried to spend time together, she wouldn't have it.  I was naive and couldn't understand this as a rejection and a fact of her simply not seeing me as desirable, so I bought into all her platitudes and excuses of being "too busy." I kept myself obsessing over her for years, thinking she cared and might have liked me but was too afraid.

 

I of course know better now, but I feel scarred. I've talked to plenty of other women, but I was so deeply in love with her, and getting treated the way I did just hurts. Even after months of no contact and focusing on building a better life for myself, it hurts.  My body will physically hurt, and I'm afraid. I've tried for two years to heal from this, but I still feel in pain, I just haven't been as happy as back then around her.

 

I try to be very positive and growth oriented on this sub, but I feel comfortable enough with this community to be vulnerable now, and that's important for growth too.

 

Edit: I just want to clarify I don't resent her.

Edited March 23, 2017 by username

[SFRL]

@username you are in love with a fantasy figure. 

You don't really know what she would be like. Maybe the sex would have been bad. Maybe she wasn't even that great to be around. 

Bottom line is you don't really know her indepth to honestly tell yourself that you would have had a great relationship with her. You know her partially and fill in the blanks that you don't know with some idealized fantasy. 

Time to move on. You find another girl that you do all that with you will forget about her pretty fast. 

Edited March 22, 2017 by STC

[Shin]

Do you meditate ?

If you don't, watch this video.

Might seems totally off-topic, but it isn't, I've been at your place

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRAZFzEx1d8

 

Edited March 22, 2017 by Shin

[Guest username]

@Shin Yeah, I meditate 2 hours a day and do self-inquiry

@STC  I have already dropped her and I know I'm in love with a fantasy figure. I've talked to hundreds, maybe about one thousand new girls.  I've been "moving on" for 2 years. It still hurts.

Edited March 22, 2017 by username

[SFRL]

@username talking isn't enough. 

It's all just a biological reaction. 

Maybe this first girl you fell in love with by just talking. But now you need a little more then that to get hose same feelings. 

[Shin]

33 minutes ago, username said:

@Shin Yeah, I meditate 2 hours a day and do self-inquiry

@STC  I have already dropped her and I know I'm in love with a fantasy figure. I've talked to hundreds, maybe about one thousand new girls.  I've been "moving on" for 2 years. It still hurts.

You might want to see a specialist, because 2 years for a girl you never been with seems neurotics, especially if you are meditating 2 hours everyday.

[eskwire]

@username I'm sorry it's taking so long to move past this, but I understand.  I take much longer than other people to heal from heartbreak. 

You did not have a relationship with this girl, it seems, so write down what thoughts you have attached to her.

For example...

"I need to be with her..."

"She rejected me because..."

"I only feel happy with her..."

Ask yourself if these thoughts are really true.  Dig in there and come up with alternative thoughts.  They are probably more true than what you are thinking now.  

The person who made you feel so happy and erotically ignited is gone.  Now, the human with the same name and social security number makes you feel horrible and doesn't want to hang out.  You are attached to an experience, not a person.  Imagine being in love with someone and getting married.  After you get married, that person acts differently - and you act differently - and you don't even feel love for each other anymore - it's more like hatred.  People who want to "go back to the way it was" are experiencing the same thing you are, except you aren't married with a bunch of baggage.  They lost the experience of first feeling erotic love.  Eros always fades.  And people, especially young people, are going to run around hurting each other in the name of having fun.

I recommend reading Bryon Katie's book I Need Your Love - Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead.

You can also start working through these questions by going to thework.com and looking at what questions you should be asking yourself about those thoughts you listed (you listed them, right?)

I'm so sorry you're hurting.  I still hurt every day over my last heartbreak and I had one previously in my life that took me a couple of years to get over.  Now, when I think of him, I just chuckle because he turned out so douchey and started wearing Hawaiian shirts like he's some big party animal, but he's not, he's a nerd.  Anyway.  You will feel differently later.  I promise.  

[Guest username]

@eskwire Thank you! This is exactly the process I've been going through. I know it's not her, but the experience.

 

That's what I'm struggling with. It just set the bar so high, I don't know how to cope.I want to surpass that on my own and not rely on someone else.

[SFRL]

@username which bar? You didn't have anything with this girl. The bar is very very low. Just not in the story you create in your head. 

[egoeimai]

This is for all people who are feeling needy and depended upon someone else. From my Queen<3,one and only, Esther Hicks,who has helped me so much overcome my neediness.

 

[Lai]

4 hours ago, username said:

I Need Help Healing From A Heartbreak

You need a hug... 

[Guest username]

@STC  The bar for the pleasantness of the experience. I was in sheer ecstasy. I'm serious. I felt so, so good. Never felt that way before or since.

[SFRL]

@username yeah I see, but what have you tried to get involved with other girls? 

Also sure a girl can be a source of happiness. But she should never be your only source of happiness. You should have at least one other thing that makes you happy. Preferably more. Like a sport or a hobby, or friends, or a pet, or a career or something. 

Maybe I am basing this on partial information but it sounds to me like you do not much more then chit chat with some girls here and there. That's not where the magic is happening. 

[Guest username]

@STC I tried taking it farther, but I haven't had the success I want so far. It's a work in progress.

 

I also do plenty of other things for happiness. I enjoy them, but I just haven't matched what I felt around her. It was an awful, awful case of oneitis. I've learned my lessons conceptually, but emotionally, it's been tough moving on.

[SFRL]

@username I don't knoe anything else about you so I don't know where to start giving you advice. 

But get a Tinder account and watch some RSD videos. 

And you need to sexually escelate with those girls aka making your intentions known. Don't just talk to them.

I am transitioning beyond the pick up days now. There are limits to pickup but that is another story. 

But apart from that, this particular girl she isn't even nice to you. Why do you want to deal with her? What makes her better then you? 

Edited March 23, 2017 by STC

[Guest username]

@STC Yeah, my game could definitely improve,but I've taken time off to focus on enlightenment. I want to be happy free of circumstance. I've followed rsd for a while. Would you be willing discuss this in PMs. I have more private concerns.

[SFRL]

@username yeah man hit me up. 

[Guest username]

Revisiting this:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l96TZeZGlDg

[Bebop]

20 minutes ago, username said:

Revisiting this:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l96TZeZGlDg

I was actually going to link you that video haha, to be honest I went through a similar situation as you did and never thought I was going to be able to get over it. Most important thing to realize is that whenever you feel that pain apply that love to yourself as if a little kid came running up to you after being bullied. In my experience I realized that the pain came from regret and there were some underlying feelings of being unlovable. Although you already said it you just need to see it as a lesson and embrace those feelings, everything is impermanent anyway Also who knows, maybe you'll find someone that you can't even imagine being with, gotta keep those infinite possibilities open  

[Emerald]

On 3/22/2017 at 3:42 PM, username said:

Between two and three years ago, I fell in romantic love for the first time. To date, I have not had a more powerful emotional experience. I thought about her day and night. I grew up and somewhat of a social outcast, so I was lonely and friendless before meeting her.  She changed that, and it was the first time I ever recall being happy. I loved being around her, and I was strongly attracted

 

She was beautiful, not just in my opinion, but was VERY conventionally attractive and an object of desire by many men, intelligent (one of the top students in a class of several hundred), kind, compassionate, socially adept, a good listener, etc. I thought she really cared about me. She had a boyfriend at the time though, and I was just trying to be friends, but my feelings were too powerful and fucked it all up.  She got uncomfortable and I found out she didn't even find me attractive. She dropped me and eventually broke up with her boyfriend.

 

Then she went, lost her virginity, and continued having sex with lots of men she found attractive(found this out later). We kept in touch marginally while I was going through crippling depression. She hinted at the fact that she was having the time of her life, and when I tried to spend time together, she wouldn't have it.  I was naive and couldn't understand this as a rejection and a fact of her simply not seeing me as desirable, so I bought into all her platitudes and excuses of being "too busy." I kept myself obsessing over her for years, thinking she cared and might have liked me but was too afraid.

 

I of course know better now, but I feel scarred. I've talked to plenty of other women, but I was so deeply in love with her, and getting treated the way I did just hurts. Even after months of no contact and focusing on building a better life for myself, it hurts.  My body will physically hurt, and I'm afraid. I've tried for two years to heal from this, but I still feel in pain, I just haven't been as happy as back then around her.

 

I try to be very positive and growth oriented on this sub, but I feel comfortable enough with this community to be vulnerable now, and that's important for growth too.

I understand the feeling. But be careful not to personalize her rejection (for want of a better word). In general, women tend to be very intuitive with their attractions. It isn't necessarily that she thought you were unattractive, or lame, or anything like that. It's just that the feelings weren't there. She may have come to avoid you for fear of awkwardness and hurting your feelings. So, I'm sure she cared about you as a person, but awkwardness and fears when one person has an unrequited love can create a lot of barriers.