Questioning my gender

[trenton]

I have become aware of another one of my desires. It is the desire to be a woman instead of a man. If gender is a spectrum, then does that mean I may not be purely a man or a woman? I was never fully comfortable being labeled he/him. I somehow find it depressing.

Part of this may be due to intense shame associated with male sexuality for a number of reasons. It makes me not want to be a man because of how much I hate myself. I have been trying to love myself all my life. The shame is too strong. Therapy is recommended in these cases and I plan on bringing this up to the psychiatrist in three days.

Part of this may be due to me imagining what it feels like to be a woman having sex. I find it very sexy and it may be due to my straightness, rather than me becoming a woman.

Have any of you questioned your gender or sexual identity? What did you discover in your journey?

[Sucuk Ekmek]

12 minutes ago, trenton said:

 

Have any of you questioned your gender or sexual identity? What did you discover in your journey?

 I look at girls they look at me back, there is no  sexual identity going on , it's just what it is. 

I never questioned my gender, such a questioning is a luxury for me LoL...

What I discovered huh...

When I met good woman I literally felt like an asshole and there was many good women from prostitutes to housewifes.

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, trenton said:

Part of this may be due to me imagining what it feels like to be a woman having sex. I find it very sexy

I do that but it has nothing to do with my gender.

[Yimpa]

2 hours ago, trenton said:

Have any of you questioned your gender or sexual identity? What did you discover in your journey?

Yeah, I consider myself non-binary. I don’t exclusively fit in a masculine or feminine role. I’m still working on that aspect of myself since religion taught me that you can’t explore gender and nonduality taught me to not be a person. 

Edited July 16, 2023 by Yimpa

[Roy]

It's just your mind playing nonsense on you. Learn to accept who you are and develop yourself. Don't let yourself get distracted with identity bullshit and confusion.

You have to face your fears head on, eventually. You can run by transitioning if you want, but you can't hide.

[Sugarcoat]

you think you wouldn’t have shame around your sexuality if you became a woman lol? 
 

 

[Sugarcoat]

10 hours ago, Yimpa said:

Yeah, I consider myself non-binary. I don’t exclusively fit in a masculine or feminine role. I’m still working on that aspect of myself since religion taught me that you can’t explore gender and nonduality taught me to not be a person. 

What is gender to you? 

[Yimpa]

3 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

What is gender to you? 

The main way I see gender is that it’s a social construct. It’s an important one that holds society together. Depending on one’s understanding of reality, you can see gender as binary (i.e. “male” or “female”), or you can see gender as a being a spectrum.

In general, for someone who is conservative or very strict with their religion, they will only see gender as binary. For someone who is progressive and not religious, they are open to seeing gender as a spectrum. 

[trenton]

Update:

I wrote out a list of things that make me depressed. The loss of my sexual innocence is at the top of the list. I have been clinging to This identity since the incident from when I was six. It was undermined with masturbation and pornography later on. The loss of sexual innocence has more to do with the issue than the shame of being a man. My desire to become a woman was addressed and is now fading.

I have been watching parts of how to get laid. I was open minded for a bit, but then experienced ego backlash. That is when this desire to become a woman came up.

Sorry if I seem kind of jumpy. Everything I put on this forum is a discussion of things that have bothered me for a while. It is all coming up at once and I am changing fast. My mind is becoming more peaceful, so this is working. Suicide is starting to seem preposterous.

The most important insight is that me trying to love myself stands in the way of me loving myself. I believed that I needed truth to love myself because I otherwise love illusions. I was trying not to be self deceived, but I am now trying to flip what I have been doing. I'm trying to let go of this belief that I am morally obligated to love myself based on who I truly am. I don't have to love myself. Believing I have to love myself makes me hate myself.

It is paradoxical, and it goes against what this site holds. That is love and truth are one. Maybe the fundamental problem is that I confused relative love and truth for absolute love and truth. I also meant who I truly am as an ego, not God. Struggling to love myself therefore made it impossible to love myself because I stood in the way by trying to love myself through forcing truth on myself out of a sense of moral obligation to love myself. I ended up dropping the hammer on myself constantly and brutally. It is finally stopped. I feel present.

Of course I still have the list ready for the psychiatrist. There seems to be a happy ending to all of this.

[supremeyingyang]

14 hours ago, Yimpa said:

The main way I see gender is that it’s a social construct.

... which developed because of biological differences.

 

14 hours ago, Yimpa said:

In general, for someone who is conservative or very strict with their religion, they will only see gender as binary. For someone who is progressive and not religious, they are open to seeing gender as a spectrum. 

I hear this all the time, but I still don't understand it. Spectrum - doesn't that simply mean do what you want? And I don't see even Conservatives in the West holding anyone back. You might don't call yourself non-binary, you are just a dominant Woman in her relationship.. Instead of just doing what everyone desires for themself they talk abstract ideology from Universities they have not studied deeply..

[supremeyingyang]

5 hours ago, trenton said:

Of course I still have the list ready for the psychiatrist. There seems to be a happy ending to all of this.

Happy to hear that!

Only one thing: A Psychiatrist is someone who gives you drugs. I recommend you to see a Psychotherapist and talk it all through. Maybe even join a group therapy. It may seems tedious, but it's the real deal. Drugs are not the real deal. They can help in very severe conditions as a first aid to get you going wirt therapy - that's it. Every treadment has it's place.

Edited July 17, 2023 by supremeyingyang