Weird anxiety disorder in relationships

[lfvd95]

I'm a 28 year old male. In my last two relationships I suddenly became very anxious, needy, clingy and insecure. There is no particular event I can recal that triggered it, nor had I experienced anything like this before. I obsesively thought about my girlfriends all the time, and was very anxious that they were going to break up with me and leave me, even when there was no reason for it. I tried to hide this from them in the beginning, waiting for it to pass and afraid it would just turn them off, but at some point it became overwhelming and I just told them I was feeling weird. In the beginning they constantly reassured me that everything was fine and they weren't going to leave me - things did not get any better - I now thought I was being burdensome and anoying, that they were getting sick of being this insecure. I was always anxious about the worst case scenario, obsessing about it, most of the things I was afraid didn't happen, but  It got so bad that I couldn't be without one of those ex's more than a few hours. Naturally both broke up with me, one after one or two weeks, the other about after a month or two of this (the relationships were shitty anyway, so it wasn't only my anxiety).  I've looked for relationship anxiety resources, attatchment style resources, therapy and I thought those had helped. After six-seven months since my last break up I thought I might be fine now.

But I recently started seeing a girl: we were just friends, but started hanging out more, then at some point she kissed me, and we made out a few times. She told me she didn't want a relationships right now,since she was recently broken up with, and kept saying some day I'll find the right person for me, the last time we made out she told me that we shouldn't make out and stuff. In the few months we've been hanging out I've gotten emotionally attatched to her, and might even have started falling in love (sich vernarren) and this anxiety is starting to show its ugly head again. I get happy when she calls me, I think about her constantly; when she doesn't respond (she often doesn't for 10h and up to 3 days) I take it personally and am just waiting for her to tell me that we can't be friends or something . 

The point is: I don't know what this anxiety is or why it's happening to me. It has something to do with people leaving me, breaking up with me or something of that nature.

I cannot live like this. I couldn't function when I was in those relationships: I couldn't go to class or work, all I could do is worry and have mental freakouts over my relationships. I'm afraid I wont be able to overcome this and that I'll end up alone for ever, unable to get into any relationsips or stay in any of them because I go from who I am into a needy, insecure cry-baby who can't be on his own. I don't like this and it terrifies me, because I do long to have a long term realationship with a girl, maybe even have a family at some point in the future, but this makes it impossible. 
I feel helpless, weak, unloveable, broken and hopeless. 

Please help. (Ask any questions you  might need or suggest anything )

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCe5mBNin_A

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIsy_HSHkKo

 

Edited July 15, 2023 by Raze