Becoming a father

[trenton]

This is intense. I have been facing a lot of trauma lately with good progress. One of the feelings that came up for me was the notion of becoming a better dad than dad. I know this seems preposterous given my recent behavior on this forum. I am thinking long term, not immediately.

So here's the thing. I have been deeply distrusting of relationships in general for most of my life. My parents were in an awful situation because my father fled the state to avoid paying child support. I have been afraid of ending up in a similar situation by opening myself up to relationships. I didn't trust myself to be a responsible human being because I was afraid that my impulses would cause me to act in horrible ways like my father.

My suicidal thoughts were related to denying my desire for an emotional connection through relationships. I felt that it was impossible for me to find a happy relationship. I felt very lonely and depressed because of the feeling that no relationship could ever make me happy. I felt that other people were a bad influence on me because I never trusted my parents to teach me to be a decent human being. I isolated myself from other people because I want to be as good as possible without other people pulling me toward indecent behavior.

I know in theory morality is imaginary, but this forum pointed out that I seem really attached to my morals anyway. My father lacked a moral compass because he was a gangster who held people at gun point demanding money. My harsh self judgement makes me hate myself. I know an optimal father cannot be so attached to morals. I try not to be attached to morals, but the whole reason I seek the truth so much is because in think the truth is required for being the best human possible. I will otherwise be lost in lies and illusions. Truth is about being good from my point of view.

I am trying to process these newfound feelings. My worldview continues to fall apart. Any tips on this situation?

[trenton]

my overly feminine attitude was pointed out on this forum as well. I'm supposed to do what In think is necessary rather than being run by my emotions. I'm so mad, but I have productive things I could still be doing despite it. I feel like trying to feel my feelings exacerbates them rather than soothing them. I'm trying to be good, but i think my methods are not good enough.

[trenton]

Another observation.

I am afraid to become a father because it conflicts with my morals. I act as if it is moral to dedicate my life to altruism even if it makes me unhappy. Just because I would be happy with a good relationship or becoming a chess master doesn't mean it will uplift mankind. My sense of obligatory altruism holds me back from living a happy life. I end up feeling like I need to be a martyr for humanity. It makes me want to die. I want to let go of these conflicting views, but It isn't working. I want to find a way out of this mess as well.

[Raze]

Get ifs therapy 

[mr_engineer]

19 hours ago, trenton said:

my overly feminine attitude was pointed out on this forum as well. I'm supposed to do what In think is necessary rather than being run by my emotions. I'm so mad, but I have productive things I could still be doing despite it. I feel like trying to feel my feelings exacerbates them rather than soothing them. I'm trying to be good, but i think my methods are not good enough.

Chances are that you're being 'overly feminine' because you're repressing your masculinity, because the 'toxic masculinity' conditioning coupled with your father's past have convinced you that masculinity actually is toxic. You will probably have to repair your relationship with your masculinity first and foremost. 

And, a big part of masculinity is having a sense of right vs wrong, good vs bad, having a strong set of morals. You need to know how to create safety for others, how to protect others. And, ironically, the way you do that is by catching and punishing wrong-doers, which is inherently violent. It takes the capacity to be violent to create a peaceful environment. 

If your father was a gangster, you don't need to be learning about the relativism of morality. You need to discipline yourself into understanding that that is wrong and commit to not being like him. You will have an open mind to violence and going down these wrong paths yourself. And you will have to rationally convince yourself that it's wrong and that there are better, more civilized ways of going about getting what you want. Your parents were ignorant about those ways, so your responsibility towards yourself is to teach yourself those ways and to stay away from the 'thug-life'.

If you want to improve on the parenting-job that your father did, this is where you begin to do that. 

HTH! 

[Schizophonia]

If you want answers avoid making topics with such indigestible posts, especially if you loop on it. People will be like "oof" *sigh, and just think about going on to another topic, even if you're tormented.

Incidentally, there is no really relevant answer to give because obviously you just want to talk to people and have company. 
Afterwards it's normal, even as a man it remains a very present atavism especially if you are facing major mental problems (in this case). 
But as I said above, people will probably just be too bored to answer you, so it probably won't do much. 

Edited July 10, 2023 by Schizophonia

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, mr_engineer said:

Chances are that you're being 'overly feminine' because you're repressing your masculinity, because the 'toxic masculinity' conditioning coupled with your father's past have convinced you that masculinity actually is toxic. You will probably have to repair your relationship with your masculinity first and foremost. 

And, a big part of masculinity is having a sense of right vs wrong, good vs bad, having a strong set of morals. You need to know how to create safety for others, how to protect others. And, ironically, the way you do that is by catching and punishing wrong-doers, which is inherently violent. It takes the capacity to be violent to create a peaceful environment. 

completely wrong + + it doesn't matter, op has an "energy profile" conditioned by his biology and has to live with it.

[trenton]

1 hour ago, Schizophonia said:

If you want answers avoid making topics with such indigestible posts, especially if you loop on it. People will be like "oof" *sigh, and just think about going on to another topic, even if you're tormented.

Incidentally, there is no really relevant answer to give because obviously you just want to talk to people and have company. 
Afterwards it's normal, even as a man it remains a very present atavism especially if you are facing major mental problems (in this case). 
But as I said above, people will probably just be too bored to answer you, so it probably won't do much. 

My apologies.

It did not occur to me that I was making people feel that way. I have been making a lot of threads lately. A lot is happening to my mind lately and I am slowly coming to inner peace.

It would be better for the sake of this forum that I limit myself on the threads I make. In fact, my mind is changing so much that I already found my own answers. I actually did not need this thread too figure it out. I just needed time.

[Schizophonia]

No, I was saying that to "enlighten you" on how to get more and better answers, for your own good.
This goes for any topic and any subject. 

Edited July 11, 2023 by Schizophonia

[trenton]

On 7/10/2023 at 11:39 AM, mr_engineer said:

Chances are that you're being 'overly feminine' because you're repressing your masculinity, because the 'toxic masculinity' conditioning coupled with your father's past have convinced you that masculinity actually is toxic. You will probably have to repair your relationship with your masculinity first and foremost.

@mr_engineer thank you for your response. This somewhat resonates with me. I have been repressing masculinity in a variety of forms.

It should be considered that I grew up in a house with two sisters, a mother, and a grandmother. I was the only boy for about 10 years until my brother was born. I started hiding in my room after mom yelled at me and said she had gone easy on me for too long for being the only boy. I started socializing much less.

I had a negative attitude toward the other boys at school when they harassed girls and some of the girls sexually harassed me. This started after I got in a ton of trouble after doing something sexual with one of my sisters. I'm finally at the point that I'm openly discussing this with my family.

The how to get laid series bothers me a lot. The entire framing is wrong. The point should be to get good at relationships. I don't resonate with the framing of sexual attraction at all. Women don't look hot to me. I didn't resonate with other boys talking like this at all. It feels completely fake and hollow to me. My relationship with my father also felt fake. He tried encouraging me to hit on hot girls, but it simply did not interest me.

The paradox I find myself in is that my body craves sex and an emotional connection. At the same time I am afraid of intimacy and all of the ways a relationship can go wrong. I feel lonely and unable to resolve the loneliness.

I have glimpsed my highest self before. It is when I have a clear goal in sight and I work tirelessly to achieve it. It feels very empowering. My mind works on entirely different level. I am trying to master this phenomenon, but I lose it. I glimpsed it once in a chess tournament against a master, once during my English exam, and a couple of other times with chess. My self doubt weighs me down and becomes a lot of self sabotage. It feels like healing is never enough. This is what I just achieve to actually live my highest life.

Thank you.

[trenton]

An analogous example would be a woman I met who was raised to believe that women should repress their emotions because it is a sign of weakness. There are women who believe femininity is actually toxic. It is dysfunctional. This was combined with the fact that her brother raped her, causing her ptsd.

[trenton]

I am contemplating how much of a man she is and how much of a woman I am. Surely I could be much stronger than i am giving myself credit for.