Can you please tell me I am wrong about relationships and money

[TheSource]

Hello,

I hope that you can tell me that I am wrong in terms of money in my current relationship with my girlfriend.

I think, she and I, we have the classical spender vs. saver constellation. I am the saver and she is the spender.

I should also say that I am making good money, actually a lot. Also should I say that I worked my ass off to come to this position in life, I made a lot of sacrifices. So, although I can buy and save much more than the average person, I still value the money I have and I don't spend it for stupid stuff like sports cars and so on. I am especially grateful for my current life situation because I came from a family where money was always an issue (and I am aware what impact this had on my "saver"-personality). Don't get me wrong I am not stingy with money, I buy good food, my car is not a sports car yet it has some fancy features, my flat is relatively big and so on and so on.

Now the problem comes: My girlfriend is a wonderful person but she is "spender". Her income is slightly above the average but significantly less than mine. She literally has no savings, she lives from month to month. Sometimes she spends money which she simply does not have and then asks me afterwards if she could borrow it from me. I should say she always pays it back and she is not in any other debt, she is just near zero. I told her I won't do that in the future because I feel like a sugardaddy enabling her impulse spendings. Also I told her 10 months ago that I would be very happy if she could do some budgeting herself. One week ago she told me again that she had made no progress in acutally saving money. In case of emergency she will need to rely on me...and that's making me somehow very angry.

I also told her that she is putting me in a very uncomfortable situation because she wants children, a nice house and marriage (which ideally includes a happy retirement). It's uncomfortable for me because this is not my understanding of emancipation and being on an equal level. I find it unattractive that at some point I alone will need to buy the house, I will have to transfer money in marriage and in the retirement and I have to be the only responsible person.

On a certain level I can accept that people do not think or act like me but I am afraid that we are totally incompatible and this might not work out. Can you tell me where my perspective is wrong. I would be very sad leaving her because "it's only money". Am I too strict with money because I come from a family where money was always a problem and caused arguments (and divorce) between my parents? How can I improve myself to accept her spender personality fully? Or can she and I meet in the middle ground? I would be very happy for suggestions. Again, besides that she is a wonderful person who is able to compromise but in terms of money she seems not be able to change.

Edited July 8, 2023 by TheSource

[Sugarcoat]

17 hours ago, TheSource said:

In case of emergency she will need to rely on me...and that's making me somehow very angry.

I also told her that she is putting me in a very uncomfortable situation

I  relate to you regarding being a saver and I’ve had a little troubles with family regarding money.

 

what I have realized myself is that this frustration, fear and negativity is not caused by their behavior, but rather it is coming from my own insecurity/lack of trust in my own ability to communicate with these people and set boundaries . 

Edited July 9, 2023 by Sugarcoat

[Sandy6]

First, I have read your thread. So I can somewhat understand your situation and empathize with your feelings. Although I don't have much experience or extensive knowledge about relationships, I can see that you perceive her as a wonderful person and you love her, which means there are many positive qualities and values in her.

Currently, I have a girlfriend, and we have been in a relationship for 2 years. In the past, I have also attempted to form relationships with other girls. I have found it challenging to apply the theories and knowledge about relationships that I have learned because there are always unique challenges and situations that arise. Sometimes I know what I should do but find it difficult actually to do it. Understanding intimate relationships, in particular, takes time.

Regarding money, I also had difficult experiences during my childhood and young age, until I took the initiative to start an online business and address many of my financial problems. I am still working on improving my financial situation. Saving is important, as well as investing, especially in terms of time. I also used to have a habit of spending too much, but I never spent more than I earned because, in the past, I couldn't buy whatever I needed or wanted, and now I can.

I don't agree with your girlfriend spending too much. I believe the best approach is not just telling her to save or spend less, but rather teaching her about a lifestyle that is better than her current one, such as simplicity or minimalism, etc. However, I understand that changing beliefs and habits that have been ingrained for years, especially someone else's habits, can be difficult. Change should happen one step at a time, with small but continuous progress.

In my case, even my girlfriend has asked me to live with her parents after we get married because she is the only daughter. I understand that we have different perspectives, but sometimes is normal for your girlfriend to desire an independent house, children, and marriage, especially considering the cultural norms in the country I live in, where most people expect those things. 

I just want to emphasize that not every partner is perfect. However, we need a partner whom we can accept if we choose to commit to a relationship with them. For example, if there is a value of hers that I can no longer tolerate, it would be better for me to leave my girlfriend. So, it really depends on you. If you can help her change, then do so using a different approach. If you can accept her habits, then get them and take responsibility for them. Some problems are subjective. If you can't handle it anymore, you should consider other options.

You see her as a wonderful person, but one of her habits, particularly regarding money, is causing difficulty for you. Therefore, I suggest you reflect and introspect, write down possible solutions, and make the decision that you believe is best for your life. Remember that we have faced many challenges to come this far, and we are responsible for making our future life and relationship better.

So, based on my limited experience, I hope you can consider this from your perspective, and I hope it helps!

[Leo Gura]

On 7/8/2023 at 3:12 PM, TheSource said:

I would be very sad leaving her because "it's only money".

The #1 reason for all marriage problems is money. So, no, it's not "only money". Money is a huge thing.

She is being financially immature and irresponsible. You are being mature and responsible. Your position is perfectly reasonable.

You should try to communicate with her more about the importance that money plays in long-term relationships, explain your values to her, and set some clear boundaries with her on this issue. Keep trying to help her understand how to manage her money better and meet your values and not cross your boundaries. If after some months or a year of that she is still unable to then you should break up with her because it's not going work out long-term. Communicate to her early that you will try to work with her on this issue and be patient with her, but ultimately if she is lazy and refuses to improve, then you will have to break up out of incompatibility, which is not something you want but will be forced to do because you must stay true to your values and maintain integrity.

You can try to train her on how to be better about managing her money.

Edited July 13, 2023 by Leo Gura

[StarStruck]

If you are not on your shit she will be on your shit but not in a good way. 

[mr_engineer]

If she wants children, a nice house and marriage, she does not have the luxury to be a 'spender'. She has to learn to be a 'saver'. The #1 indicator of a good mother, is that she's financially responsible. 

If she's living paycheck-to-paycheck now, what is she going to do once she has a kid? Have you asked her this? 

It is smart on your part to notice this before getting married, when it's just her money on the line and not yours. You could save yourself from a really horrible divorce-court situation in which she screws you over for your money just because she's financially reckless. So, don't underestimate the danger of that happening and play your cards wisely. 

All the best. HTH.