Why is niceness such a turn off

[StarStruck]

I’m just a nice person. I can’t help it but only people who are nice themselves appreciate it. Personally I think a person should have both the quality of niceness and the opposite of it. Some people are repulsed by niceness because they see it as weakness. 

I’m starting to integrate the opposite of niceness to become whole. If I don’t want to dance with somebody I will just say no without making excuses. Or when I feel like putting somebody in their place I will just do it.

Being a nice guy is just an identity you build and if it is working for you you should keep it but it if don’t that identity needs to die for a new one to arise. 

Now I think about it niceness is not that bad. If you are traumatized and you are nice to compensate that is what really disgusts people. Now I think about it I get why people are repulsed by it. It is a very unpleasant vibe.

[jdc7733]

Because it just seems fake. No one is that nice. I’m currently talking to a nice guy, dating-wise, and I’m going to have to do the job of finding the skeletons in their closet. It’s worth it though.

Edited July 8, 2023 by jdc7733

[jdc7733]

That’s not to say you won’t find someone, being a nice guy.

[MAHAVATAR_-_BABAJI]

@StarStruck Be blissful, not nice. 

[Tenebroso]

Put morality aside and the self image of being a nice good person, it means very little. Focus on attaining inner clarity and finding a way to express your inner work outwardly.

[Nemra]

Arrogance is also a turn off.

You will understand the value of niceness when you are surrounded with arrogant people independent of their level of intelligence.

Arrogance and niceness are ways to process the world. You just have to find a way to embody them in your own way.

It all depends whether you are doing it authentically or not.

Edited July 9, 2023 by Understander

[Princess Arabia]

23 hours ago, Lila9 said:

We are all have them. And we have our primitive, ugly, uncivilized, animalistic sides as well, emotions that are not sexy like envy, lust, anger, it's part of being a human and the concept of "niceness" implays that there is something that is inherently wrong with that.

On the other hand, society is very judgmental of human primitive, ugly and uncivilized sides, our authentic desires, and it encourages to repress them, to pretend that we have higher, more selfless or more socially accepted motives in order to not be considered as a threat.

So it's no surprise that people put the facade of niceness in order to get their needs met and make it in the world, and it works to some degree, in a stage orange culture.

But it has a price, it's a barrier for real connection, true happiness and fulfillment in life. 

And there are many people who are nice because they geniounely feel like that, but it's called being kind, compassionate, empathic.

Of course, we want our doctors, president or lawyer to be kind, compassionate and empathic people.

We want our neighbors to be kind, compassionate and empathic people.

And more important, we want our family and lovers to be kind, compassionate and empathic people.

Life is much easier being surrounded by kind, compassionate and empathic people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I so much agree with this. I consider myself to be kind, compassionate and empathetic. But I can also display behaviors that contradicts that. Both are authentic for me but the latter makes me feel out of control. Its like my default mode is the former but when a button gets pushed...oh my...watch out. But Spiritual maturity has shown me that the latter is showing me some issues within myself that has to be addressed. It's never about the outside world but a reflection of the disturbance on the inside, which becomes a powerful learning process if effectively applied. But you explained this so eloquently, (as usual).

Edited July 9, 2023 by Princess Arabia

[NoSelfSelf]

You asked this millions of times answer is still same nice is being dishonest,not trustworthy,passive,doesnt elicit any kind of emotion,dry/boring etc.

[LSD-Rumi]

@StarStruck Everybody needs to work to fill the gaps in their personalities. Nice people need to be more expressive than repressive, more self-confident, more genuine and spontaneous, and actively keep their boundaries. On the other hand, not nice people must learn to control their anger, respect the boundaries of others, less narcissistic, more empathic, and less aggressive in their approach to life.

I love being nice when it is coupled with strength. I see that many "strong" people are actually aggressive people who are easily triggered and angered which is a weakness in itself.

Edited July 10, 2023 by LSD-Rumi

[hyruga]

Because you come with an agenda.

[Leo Gura]

Because nice people cannot get shit done. Being too nice is a disease.

When lives are at stake there is no room for nice.

What all humans are attracted to is powerful leadership. Because that how humans survive. Weak leaders get you killed.

Edited July 10, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Yimpa]

17 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

When lives are at stake there is no room for nice.

What all humans are attracted to is powerful leadership. Because that how humans survive. Weak leaders get you killed.

 

[LSD-Rumi]

21 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Being too nice is a disease.

Ironically, being nice is a survival mechanism. being nice to people means people will tend to accept and protect you and this is why a good portion of people tend to be nice and passive. Being a coward sometimes work for your benefit 

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, LSD-Rumi said:

Ironically, being nice is a survival mechanism. being nice to people means people will tend to accept and protect you and this is why a good portion of people tend to be nice and passive. Being a coward sometimes work for your benefit 

Yes, it will get you scraps at the end of dinner, like a dog.

Women wanna be impregnanted by men, not dogs.

Edited July 10, 2023 by Leo Gura

[StarStruck]

I can beat up most men I can encounter so I guess it is not only physical strength they seek but also emotional and mental strength. The last things I mentioned I don’t have. I still have a soft underbelly and my traumas still have a toll on me from day to day.

My niceness doesn’t come from weakness. I just have a soft heart. I can easily be 10x rude and be an ass but that is not in me. Perhaps I should try doing that. Because entitled, ruthless and competitive people get 10x the respect from my personal experience with experimenting niceness versus ruthless.

I’m a boxer and people tell me I have a soft heart and don’t finish my opponent when I can. I guess I need to integrate that ruthlessness and killer instinct but I have trouble with doing it because I’m good natured but a lot of people treat me as crap for being like this. I noticed when I’m ruthless and show high competence people show me much more respect. People are so primitive but I won’t change this game. Only play the game better. 

Edited July 10, 2023 by StarStruck

[Vrubel]

33 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

I’m good natured but a lot of people treat me as crap for being like this. 

Here lies your great opportunity! Stand up for yourself and demarcate boundaries. That's how you demand respect.

Basically, if you cross my border: I will fuck you up. Let people know that you're not playing games. You need to have strong energy for this. 

[StarStruck]

16 minutes ago, Vrubel said:

Here lies your great opportunity! Stand up for yourself and demarcate boundaries. That's how you demand respect.

Basically, if you cross my border: I will fuck you up. Let people know that you're not playing games. You need to have strong energy for this. 

Yea that is what I'm doing and on top of that speaking my mind and asserting myself regardless. And this has been a natural evolution in my being because how I have been treated. One of the things I learned recently is that we should allow our circumstances to shape us, not resist life energy that flow through us. If you come in contact with enough people and you allow circumstances to shape you, you loose your childlike innocence and naivety in the process.

Edited July 10, 2023 by StarStruck

[Jacob Morres]

There should be tons of people that appreciate niceness

I think it has more to do with boundaries you set with those that don't appreciate it 

[MuadDib]

@StarStruck People are attracted to survival value, but it's an incomplete truth. Humans are sometimes willing to die for love, for their children, for their fellow human beings, and even for animals. 
Would you say this is "nice"? "Self-sacrificing"?
It's important to be clear about what you're talking about because in this sense "nice" people are the most powerful people on the planet and casually move mountains while spinning the earth on their fingertips.

"Niceness" as a trauma response and a defense mechanism is something different though, and this is indeed a turn-off. 
In the same way that a bully who puts on a facade of strength and power is a turn-off. 
The latter is more attractive in terms of survival value, and might even be attractive to another person's trauma, but isn't what you want to be aiming for if you want to maximize your impact and power.

[Yimpa]

If a bully is messing with you, being nice is going out the window. If you allow bullies to walk all over you, you will inevitably suffer. 

Being nice can be a serious distraction if you’re not careful.