My gf got taken advantage of by her bff's brother

[Princess Arabia]

11 minutes ago, integral said:

My ex-gf was raped during our relationship, it traumatized me worse then it traumatized her.

Your assuming your perspective is the moral high road and the "truth" in the matter with out fully understanding what I'm saying.

It doesn't matter what age she was when this happened, he explained that who she today is still a people pleaser with no voice, she cant asses the quality of a person people are (as some people depending on there upbringing cant ever seem to get a grasp of especially if her parents had no integrity).

Your assuming she has grown up in the past 5-10 years, when growing up with trauma and a bad upbringing never goes smoothly.

Ok. I respect your perspective. But just so you know. I don't base anything on morality. I'm the last person to judge anyone from a moral standpoint. I realize that people may respond in a way due to their personal experiences and I have to understand that. 

[Ulax]

8 minutes ago, Raze said:

This is ridiculous dude. He has no example of someone telling him the guy committed assault nor proof anything occured. The only thing he had was him grabbing his gfs ass when he was 13, that was years ago and she gave him oral right after, no one would legally consider that she took it as a non consensual act when she went on to do a consensual sex act directly after. He just said his gf said she’s heard him do stuff to “other girls”. What stuff? Asking for nudes? That isn’t illegal. Even the claim he slept with someone 5 years younger wouldn’t mean anything because it is covered in Romeo and Juliet laws.

Maybe if girls themselves emailed the university with multiple ones corroborating and giving specific accusations that are actual clear crimes, but at this point they won’t take seriously a guy saying he’s heard some women who make claims about this guy.

@Raze I disagree that its ridiculous.

The aim isn't for the email alone to cause university to take action. Its that the university will be more urgent in the action they take if there are reports by girls at the relevant campus. 

[Salvijus]

I would avoid lecturing your gf aswell since it can create the atmosphere of unnecessary burden and guilt on her. Rather have an attitude that we all have our flaws and her "mistakes" is not for you to be offended by since she doesn't own you anything in the end. Nobody owns you anything so people can do their "mistakes" as much as they like. Who are you to blame them, judge them or feel offended by them? But this position is rare and hard to take. I don't expect you to actually be able to do that. It's more like food for thought.

Edited July 8, 2023 by Salvijus

[integral]

14 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

Ok. I respect your perspective. But just so you know. I don't base anything on morality. I'm the last person to judge anyone from a moral standpoint. I realize that people may respond in a way due to their personal experiences and I have to understand that. 

Ah ok that's reasonable, I was getting the impression that you saw a right and a wrong way to view this topic.

In general its very difficult to talk about this topic as its easy to miscommunicate and people interpret what is being said as a criticism from "bellow" rather then "above". 

Edited July 8, 2023 by integral

[caspex]

Your gf needs healing, love and growth more than revenge on the guy. Revenge will surely soothe your wounds but it will only be temporary for your girlfriend. The effects caused by such events gain a separate existence apart from the cause (the guy) itself.
Cut off the BFF and live a life separate from the brother. Once he is out of her life completely, he is not the problem anymore, it's her wounds, THAT is what you need to defeat.
In my honest opinion, some action against the guy, whether physical, legal, or any other way, would be justified if he was a constant or reoccurring problem in her life. Then you should have absolutely fucked him up, if you could. But in your case, from what I have read, this is not the case.
You're not a pussy for not fighting him, he's not even the real problem anymore. Anyone who tells you otherwise is narrow-sighted. Chill out and take a deep breath.

[NoSelfSelf]

I cant take this post seriously since you are making her a girlfriend in 4months of dating probably less,that's first problem here you dont know who the person is,establish the structure and make her see if she can be the one for you.

Now involved in drama who knows what other skelletons are there ?...

[Princess Arabia]

44 minutes ago, integral said:

Ah ok that's reasonable, I was getting the impression that you saw a right and a wrong way to view this topic.

In general its very difficult to talk about this topic as its easy to miscommunicate and people interpret what is being said as a criticism from "bellow" rather then "above". 

?

[Sugarcoat]

4 hours ago, Ampresus said:

@Sugarcoat The reason I came to this forum is because I know it's my ego that wants this. I don't see myself as a hero or a savior. Instead of assuming I am a macho man trying to square up for my princess, listen to what I am saying. I have been here long enough to know that any form of revenge will not make up for what she experienced. That's why I came here, to ask for alternative solutions. If I cared that much about my image, I would've just gone through with it in the first place. I don't want to lie, hence why I say I have these feelings I feel like expressing violently, but that doesn't mean I think it's the right thing to do. I am conflicted about what the best solution is, not about showi her how much of a man I am.

 

well I was trying to help you to become more aware of and dissolve that ego you talk about by trying to trigger it lol ??

and I don’t mean macho ego. That’s not the vibe I got.
 

What I mean more is that when she’s telling you her story - your reaction to it, according to your description was to see her as this poor girl you want to help, something like that, so you have created this role for yourself in a way (what I meant by ego, it’s not bad I’m just highlighting this dynamic) And that is understandable since that is what she is conveying to you and ofc some empathy is natural ! Nothing wrong with that.
 

But then you feel all this pressure to find  best solution , what to do etc

. But you might miss that the deeper problem here is these insecurities in her that is the foundation that attracts negative situations. I’m not saying it’s her fault absolutely not at 12/13 I can’t blame anyone!
 

I’m just saying, if your girlfriend continues to be insecure like that, unfortunately she might find herself in more bad situations.
 

So the deeper problem here are those insecurities . And those are up to her ultimately - not you.
 

 so no need to feel pressure on yourself to fix it and find perfect solution . As that isn’t really helping her, but rather the opposite  it strengthens her “helplessness” in some way even 

 And then ofc the tips others say about trying to get justice in some way through for example contacting uni etc that is reasonable because of course such people like that guy deserve  some consequences one could say 
 

But the deeper solution here isn’t dependent on wether that works or not is what I’m saying. 

 

Edited July 8, 2023 by Sugarcoat

[zurew]

Help your girl to heal, and then help her setting up clear and strong boundaries. She needs to be extremely clear about her boundaries especially because asshole and pushy guys will totallly take advantage of her if she won't be very upfront about what line can't be crossed.

She needs to learn that there are a lot of cases where the strategy of being confrontational and very upfront is much better than being passive or agreeable.

And of course , she needs to cut off that friend.