My gf got taken advantage of by her bff's brother

[Ampresus]

Hello everyone.

This is truly one of the most desperate times that I have come to this forum for advice. Today, my girlfriend told me one of her deepest secrets. She explained to me how she got played by her best friend's brother.

For context, we are almost 5 months together. We confessed our love for each other last month. She is a really sweet and innocent girl. Not one that dares to speak out and can even be a bit of a pushover at times. A people pleaser to a degree. She's from Cape Town, but moved here to Amsterdam at the beginning of 2023. She explained to me how all the teenagers there know each other. Are related to each other to some degree.

Back in 8th grade, she used to get text messages from her now bff's brother asking for explicit images. Mind you, they were both 12-13 at the time. She explained how at that time she perceived any attention she got as good attention, including from harmful boys. Because she felt special, she would send him these nudes. He would proceed to ghost her for weeks, only to return and ask the same favor. He even shared explicit images of himself at some point. This kept going for a bit, but eventually died down. She realized he was a player.

Then all of a sudden, one day while she's sitting around a big round table with fellow classmates and friends, this prick can't resist the urge. He touches her ass while he is sitting next to her. She was wearing a school uniform skirt. She was starstruck and didn't know what to do, so she just didn't react. He even requested sex from her later, but she managed to sway his mind by claiming to be on her period. She ended up giving head. This was with consent I must admit, but after hearing all this I can't imagine she actually wanted this.

After this nothing else came of it. They didn't speak for a while, she befriended his sister in 2021 and thus they'd see each other more. One day, while this class A asshole was having a celebration because he got his pilot diploma, he shouted in the middle of the room "[my gf's name] you won't get anywhere with giving head!". She said she awkardly laughed it off, seeing as everybody else was laughing too, but she felt so ashamed. This only made my blood boil more, as clearly this guy has been bragging about this to his friends for a long time now.

She claims that even if she told this story to her bff, she would pick his side over hers. That's how close they are as siblings. In fact, she doesn't think anyone would pick her side, hence why she kept it to herself up until this point. Even her own sister would not take her side according to her.

My dilemma: I want to hurt this guy. Pretty damn badly. Like my Red side started boiling when she told me this. Seeing as this prick is from South Africa, doing the conventional "telling law enforcement" will do no good. His family is rich so they're invincible. Still, I want to inflict pain on him desperately. I have been thinking of different ways ever since, because I just can't imagine her befriending this predator's sister. We are going to Cape Town for Christmas, and I'm guessing I'll be meeting the siblings there.

Seeing as you guys are more conscious, I request your advice. Would you simpy forgive and forget if you were in my shoes? Would you just move on? If you saw this man in person after what your girlfriend told you about him, what the hell would you do? Please by all means enlighten me. I know better than to react irrationaly, I want to think this through.

Edited July 9, 2023 by Ampresus

[Israfil]

18 minutes ago, Ampresus said:

Hello everyone.

This is truly one of the most desperate times that I have come to this forum for advice. Today, my girlfriend told me one of her deepest secrets. She explained to me how she got played by her best friend's brother.

For context, we are almost 5 months together. We confessed our love for each other last month. She is a really sweet and innocent girl. Not one that dares to speak out and can even be a bit of a pushover at times. A people pleaser to a degree. She's from Cape Town, but moved here to Amsterdam at the beginning of 2023. She explained to me how all the teenagers there know each other. Are related to each other to some degree.

Back in 8th grade, she used to get text messages from her now bff's brother asking for explicit images. Mind you, they were both 12-13 at the time. She explained how at that time she perceived any attention she got as good attention, including from harmful boys. Because she felt special, she would send him these nudes. He would proceed to ghost her for weeks, only to return and ask the same favor. He even shared explicit images of himself at some point. This kept going for a bit, but eventually died down. She realized he was a player.

Then all of a sudden, one day while she's sitting around a big round table with fellow classmates and friends, this prick can't resist the urge. He touches her ass while he is sitting next to her. She was wearing a school uniforum skirt. She was starstruck and didn't know what to do, so she just didn't react. He even requested sex from her later, but she managed to sway his mind by claiming to be on her period. She ended up giving head. This was with consent I must admit, but after hearing all this I can't imagine she actually wanted this.

After this nothing else came of it. They didn't speak for a while, she befriended his sister in 2021 and thus they'd see each other more. One day, while this class A asshole was having a celebration because he got his pilot diploma, he shouted in the middle of the room "[my gf's name] you won't get anywhere with giving head!". She said she awkardly laughed it off, seeing as everybody else was laughing too, but she felt so ashamed. This only made my blood boil more, as clearly this guy has been bragging about this to his friends for a long time now.

She claims that even if she told this story to her bff, she would pick his side of hers. That's how close they are as siblings. In fact, she doesn't think anyone would pick her side, hence why she kept it to herself up until this point. Even her own sister would not take her side according to her.

My dilemma: I want to hurt this guy. Pretty damn badly. Like my Red side started boiling when she told me this. Seeing as this prick is from South Africa, doing the conventional "telling law enforcement" will do no good. His family is rich so they're invincible. Still, I want to inflict pain on him desperately. I have been thinking of different ways ever since, because I just can't imagine her befriending this predator's sister. We are going to Cape Town for Christmas, and I'm guessing I'll be meeting the siblings there.

Seeing as you guys are more conscious, I request your advice. Would you simpy forgive and forget if you were in my shoes? Would you just move on? If you saw this man in person after what your girlfriend told you about him, what the hell would you do? Please by all means enlighten me. I know better than to react irrationaly, I want to think this through.

Don't start anything, but take no shit. If he speak or do something funny with your girl, you protect her.

[Recursoinominado]

25 minutes ago, Ampresus said:

I want to hurt this guy. Pretty damn badly. Like my Red side started boiling when she told me this.

First of all, can you? Would you win in a fight?

I would first instruct my gf to get as far as possible from her "bff".

Best course of action is to avoid any contact.

If he pursue her, she must impose boundaries.

Then, if that doesn't work, you come in and tell him that you know about you two andfor him to back the fuck up or else you two are going to have a problem.

If that doesn't work, maybe go to the police.

Fighting should be last resort.

She seem the kind of girl with low self esteem that "somehow" always find trouble, watch out.

[Raze]

Based on your story, he didn’t commit any crime that can be prosecuted. I don’t really know what you can do besides tell her to ditch her friend to get away from him, and tell him to leave her alone if he keeps bothering her.

Edited July 7, 2023 by Raze

[Princess Arabia]

3 minutes ago, Recursoinominado said:

First of all, can you? Would you win in a fight?

I would first instruct my gf to get as far as possible from her "bff".

Best course of action is to avoid any contact.

If he pursue her, she must impose boundaries.

Then, if that doesn't work, you come in and tell him that you know about you two andfor him to back the fuck up or else you two are going to have a problem.

If that doesn't work, maybe go to the police.

Fighting should be last resort.

She seem the kind of girl with low self esteem that "somehow" always find trouble, watch out.

It's statements like your very last sentence why some women find it very hard to report sexual abuse, rape, assault or the likes. Nowhere in his post did he say she was troublesome, and having low self-esteem isn't necessarily a requisite for one to find trouble. He already said going to the police is out the question. I think the best advice you gave was to avoid them as much as possible. There are other civil ways to deal with situations other than using fighting as a last resort. If he's being attacked, then yes, defense is necessary. Telling him to watch out.....watch out for what, like it was her fault. It's no one's fault what happened. 

[Recursoinominado]

1 hour ago, Princess Arabia said:

low self-esteem isn't necessarily a requisite for one to find trouble

no but fairly often there is a correlation

[Salvijus]

9 hours ago, Ampresus said:

I want to hurt this guy

9 hours ago, Ampresus said:

Seeing as you guys are more conscious, I request your advice. Would you simpy forgive and forget if you were in my shoes?

A more concious response would be to just experience all the pain and hurt without any resistence and not to blame anyone for what happened. And let it tear you appart. And when the pain really kills you and smothers you to the ground, a resurrected Christ will be reborn, and healing will occur.

Edited July 8, 2023 by Salvijus

[hyruga]

Your gf might be really emotionally and mentally hurt at this point. She might even be suicidal.

You need to be there to protect her at all times. Stay calm and don't become emotional yourself. Be a man and stay with her throughout this ordeal. Love her for who she is.

[Ulax]

9 hours ago, Raze said:

Based on your story, he didn’t commit any crime that can be prosecuted.

@Raze I think the groping could come under sexual assault. Would depend on the jurisdictional law though.

But the need for proof would likely render that avenue unusable.

[Ampresus]

11 hours ago, Recursoinominado said:

First of all, can you? Would you win in a fight?

I would first instruct my gf to get as far as possible from her "bff".

Best course of action is to avoid any contact.

If he pursue her, she must impose boundaries.

Then, if that doesn't work, you come in and tell him that you know about you two andfor him to back the fuck up or else you two are going to have a problem.

If that doesn't work, maybe go to the police.

Fighting should be last resort.

She seem the kind of girl with low self esteem that "somehow" always find trouble, watch out.

@Recursoinominado I'll admit, I can't. I don't have much fighting experience. I am not going to pretend I am rambo or John Wick and can fight my way out of this. Still, it hurts me really bad everytime I think about this. I felt absolutely horrible when she told me this, knowing how desperate and helpless she must have felt. I want to show her that she doesn't have to feel that way with me. That when it's up to me, I'll make sure this guy will regret laying his eyes on her in the first place.

I mentioned she's from Cape Town because South African police do not work the same way they do in the First World. They don't bother looking into stuff like this, are afraid of the gangs roaming around the country and even when they prosecute blatant rape, the predator gets a lenient sentence.

[Ampresus]

2 hours ago, Salvijus said:

A more concious response would be to just experience all the pain and hurt without any resistence and not to blame anyone for what happened. And let it tear you appart. And when the pain really kills you and smothers you to the ground, a resurrected Christ will be reborn, and healing will occur.

Are you saying me, and by extent her, should just give in to the pain? Like fully embrace it, no holding back? Would a sage or yogi take this route? Would a stage Turqouise person take this route? I just can't understand how my gf's experience can be part of the holism and non-duality that Leo preaches about. How God made it all this way.

Lets say we do this, and I see this guy at the end of the year, what do I do? Do I treat him like friend? Do I let my hatred absorb me everytime I look him in the eyes and not lash out? Do I just let it tear me apart again and again?

[Ampresus]

1 hour ago, Ulax said:

@Raze I think the groping could come under sexual assault. Would depend on the jurisdictional law though.

But the need for proof would likely render that avenue unusable.

@Ulax South African law enforcemet does not work the same way it does in our First World. If this happened here in The Netherlands, that guy would be in serious trouble. My girlfriend could just report it anonymously. She told me he had done this to many other girls there and even has had sex with a girl from 8th grade while he was in 12th grade. Mind you, the girl would have been 12-13 while he would have been 17-18. The environment a country like South Africa creates allows these predators to roam free, especially if they have the money to pay law enforcement off. Fyi, the country is filled with poor slums where crime roams free. Rape is a daily occurence. Everywhere on the societal ladder, people are above the law.

I do know though that, like his sister, he is planning to move to the UK for his studies. If his behavior continues there, obviously notifying law enforcement would be the best choice. However, I don't live there. I don't know any people he would study with. There is no way for me to help any of the potential victims he may prey on there.

[Ampresus]

7 hours ago, Judy2 said:

maybe i'm just personally triggered by this, but i feel like some of the replies here are a little backwards. particularly the ones pretending to understand where the girlfriend's at and what exactly OP should do about it.

@Judy2 I get where you're coming from. Please keep in mind that most people will not experience something like this. This forum is mostly white straight men, or in general just men. There is nothing wrong with that, but it does mean they are not exposed to the awful shit some girls go through. Especially if they never had a girlfriend, it is hard for them to imagine a scenario like this. I learnt a lot from my gf. So many times random strangers will just start conversations with her when she's outside on her own. Not even at night, just during plain daytime. Once while she was sitting in a park this random Russian dude sat next to her and start talking for half an hour. It took her signing and nodding to random strangers for help, when another stranger girl politely asked him to fuck off. She says whenever something like this happens, it's never the locals harrassing her but the foreigners. Obviously I'm grateful fot this girl, but how many times is it going to take until some dude wants to do more than just talk?

Some girls will go years taking up shit from their bosses, all because they feel helpless. It is a god awful world we live in, and I know by taking revenge for her I won't change that, yet I feel like it's my duty. How can I make her feel safe when I cba to confront this asshole?

Edited July 8, 2023 by Ampresus

[integral]

Its her fault as much as his.

She's just as immature as him but expressing it from the feminine side of the coin.

Males are hyper biased towards feminine immaturity, they cant see it, dont think its as serious as male immaturity that is of course more explicitly destructive.

She thought it was a good idea to give that guy head? Shes equality in lala land being foolish just like him. 

She made a mistake and its time to grow from it. Shes really lucky she was not raped, all she had to do was get invited to one of these "friends" house. Its important shes never is alone with a random hetero sexual male at a party or a sleep over, something that will anger you 10x more will happen. 

She needs to learn how to pick good friends and grow up.

[integral]

7 minutes ago, Ampresus said:

Once while she was sitting in a park this random Russian dude sat next to her and start talking for half an hour

She needs to learn to speak her mind. Her level of immaturity is equal to that man, can you see it? Stuck in people pleasing, avoid conflict mode.

Its just that masculine immaturity is easy for you to hate, but feminine immaturity is easy for you to over look.

Edited July 8, 2023 by integral

[Ulax]

36 minutes ago, Ampresus said:

@Ulax South African law enforcemet does not work the same way it does in our First World. If this happened here in The Netherlands, that guy would be in serious trouble. My girlfriend could just report it anonymously. She told me he had done this to many other girls there and even has had sex with a girl from 8th grade while he was in 12th grade. Mind you, the girl would have been 12-13 while he would have been 17-18. The environment a country like South Africa creates allows these predators to roam free, especially if they have the money to pay law enforcement off. Fyi, the country is filled with poor slums where crime roams free. Rape is a daily occurence. Everywhere on the societal ladder, people are above the law.

I do know though that, like his sister, he is planning to move to the UK for his studies. If his behavior continues there, obviously notifying law enforcement would be the best choice. However, I don't live there. I don't know any people he would study with. There is no way for me to help any of the potential victims he may prey on there.

@Ampresus Firstly, I suppose you could email the university he ends up going to stating you know/ have heard of multiple young girls who this person has sexually assaulted over the course of various years. And that you are greatly concerned he will perpetrate further acts of sexual assault at the university, and that you are writing this email to alert the university to be very responsive to any harassment/ criminal complaints made against the individual.

I'd just email someone at the university, i.e. get an email from its website. Then ask for the email of whoever deals with sexual harassment complaints at the university. 

I'm from the UK, and I'm confident the university would keep a log of what you said. And, if anything does happen it could mean that they respond more urgently to any reports against him on campus too.

I think university departments are quite fearful of being seen to have negative press surrounding things like sexual assault. So i think an email to them could make a difference. Particularly if you note that you urge them to be responsive if a report is made against that individual. Because if he did commit sexual assaults and the press found out you sent that email, then the uni could be heavily criticized by the press.

Also, I think you would still have the same effect with the email too if you sent this email anonymously, too. As well, as if you make the description of 

Secondly, On a personal note, I really feel for your and your girlfriends situation. I'm very sorry to hear that there is such injustice there.

Thirdly, Some IFS therapy could be useful on an emotional level, particularly for your girlfriend i feel. If you need funding you could use 'youarerad.org' too. Said therapy can be done online, and can process/ integrate traumas at the deepest level.

Fourthly, alternatively or perhaps, in addition, some centering prayer practice (its a letting go meditation that originates from a christian teacher), and some mindfulness meditation could help too. Link 1: https://www.contemplative.org/contemplative-practice/centering-prayer/. Link 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1W30oR1UDBI&t=12s&pp=ygUZYmFzaWMgbm90aW5nIGtlbm5ldGggZm9saw%3D%3D

I reckon the centering prayer practice could help process the trauma for both of you. I think mindfulness meditation could help you both manage difficult emotions that are coming up now, and would come up in the process of processing too. 

Lastly, I'd recommend your gf stop hanging out with her current bff. My thinking is the brother likely suffers from some deep toxicity. And, that originates because of a toxic family structure. Hence, the bff will also have some sort of deep toxicity too i reckon. I say this particularly if your gf finds strong signs that the bff values loyalty > integrity, which i reason from her favoring her brother absolutely. Hence, i think it would be unhealthy to your gf to keep friends with said bff. Perhaps, making up some excuse for ending the friendship that doesn't trigger the bff into a toxic reaction could be useful. That said, i understand that ending said relationship could be too emotionally difficult thing to do for your gf. Or, if you would feel too uncomfortable making that recommendation.

Hope this can be of value mate.

Edited July 8, 2023 by Ulax

[Salvijus]

51 minutes ago, Ampresus said:

Are you saying me, and by extent her, should just give in to the pain? Like fully embrace it, no holding back? Would a sage or yogi take this route? Would a stage Turqouise person take this route? I just can't understand how my gf's experience can be part of the holism and non-duality that Leo preaches about. How God made it all this way.

Lets say we do this, and I see this guy at the end of the year, what do I do? Do I treat him like friend? Do I let my hatred absorb me everytime I look him in the eyes and not lash out? Do I just let it tear me apart again and again?

Yes embracing the pain is the right thing to do but the problem is (in my perception) you're nowhere near the capacity to embrace the pain of such proportion. So it's a tough situation. The natural instict of the ego is going to be to kill the problem. Which is understandable. But if you're looking for a concious solution then... i think most you can do at this stage is try not to blame anyone for what happened. And if it hurts like hell, just let it hurt. I have doubts you have enough awareness and compassion to really embrace this level of pain fully but at least a little bit you can do. My guess is the pain will get buried in the subconcious and you'll forget about it after some time. And when you're more developed and ready some years later the painful memory and feelings will bubble up again and maybe then you will be able to really embrace it and forgive it and heal that wound.

Normally people would start with small things first like embracing and forgiving an insult or letting go of the pain that someone ate your favorite cookies. But this is like straight out of TV show melodrama stuff lol

Edited July 8, 2023 by Salvijus

[Ulax]

37 minutes ago, integral said:

Its her fault as much as his.

She's just as immature as him but expressing it from the feminine side of the coin.

Males are hyper biased towards feminine immaturity, they cant see it, dont think its as serious as male immaturity that is of course more explicitly destructive.

She thought it was a good idea to give that guy head? Shes equality in lala land being foolish just like him. 

She made a mistake and its time to grow from it. Shes really lucky she was not raped, all she had to do was get invited to one of these "friends" house. Its important shes never is alone with a random hetero sexual male at a party or a sleep over, something that will anger you 10x more will happen. 

She needs to learn how to pick good friends and grow up.

@integral I'm not going to engage in further argument besides this comment, but its not as much her fault.

She isn't at fault at all. There were likely more effective ways she could have handled the situation. And, it would be wise for her to take personal responsibility to minimize risk as is reasonable in future. For example, being discerning in who she engages sexually with.

However, its a dangerous, non-productive attitude, in my mind, to say that the victim of a non-consensual groping is at fault for it. And, I find it a pretty vile comment to say a girl is as at fault as their assaulter.

I get you seemingly feel strongly about stressing the need for her to overcome naivety and unsafe behavior's but I think language around this subject is key. Particularly for others who will view this forum, and as you have mod status your language choices will have more impact.

Just my recommendation, and perspective.

[Sugarcoat]

2 hours ago, Ampresus said:

I felt absolutely horrible when she told me this, knowing how desperate and helpless she must have felt. I want to show her that she doesn't have to feel that way with me. That when it's up to me, I'll make sure this guy will regret laying his eyes on her in the first place.

Good job feeding your little grandiose ego about yourself being some hero guy who’s going to save your poor little girlfriend.
 

That is honestly all you’re doing here with this, feeding your own ego but believing it’s coming from some deep compassion. 
 

You’re not really helping her at all with this. She has deep problems within herself that she needs to get her shit together and solve herself. By playing into this role of this savior guy you are simply confirming her weaknesses once again rather than helping her. 
 

and this is coming from a woman who herself has a history of people pleasing and seeking validation from guys in my teens. No body but herself can bring her out from this, sure you can support her in the process but the way you want to do it is just feeding into the same pattern sorry to break it to you.

 

@integral was onto something here with those replies.  It’s not about blame, it’s about seeing the role she has in this and how it’s up to her to change it fundamentally 

 

Edited July 8, 2023 by Sugarcoat

[Princess Arabia]

19 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Good job feeding your little grandiose ego about yourself being some hero guy who’s going to save your poor little girlfriend.
 

That is honestly all you’re doing here with this, feeding your own ego but believing it’s coming from some deep compassion. 
 

You’re not really helping her at all with this. She has deep problems within herself that she needs to get her shit together and solve herself. By playing into this role of this savior guy you are simply confirming her weaknesses once again rather than helping her. 
 

and this is coming from a woman who herself has a history of people pleasing and seeking validation from guys in my teens. No body but herself can bring her out from this, sure you can support her in the process but the way you want to do it is just feeding into the same pattern sorry to break it to you.

 

@integral was onto something here with those replies.  It’s not about blame, it’s about seeing the role she has in this and how it’s up to her to change it fundamentally 

 

My thing is this tho, wasn't she like 12-13 when this happened? Maybe I'm missing something here.