Why Does It Get So Lonely ?

[Loreena]

I sometimes think that relationships between humans are so fickle. That nothing is truly long lasting. Like nobody really cares. At the end of the day, we are like loose entities floating around with no real connection or concern for each other, like everything is made up. If we really cared, the world wouldn't be in such a bad shape. I imagine sitting on a bed in a hospital and people coming and going, visiting saying nice words to uplift me but not having a deep concern, like it's just formalities that people need to keep to make things appear lighter but on the deeper side, like who cares whether I'm living or dying. 

And then I imagine people coming home to visit me and bringing gifts. And I ask my cousin, why did that person bring gifts and she replies, oh that was because last time my sister/brother had brought something for them too and I shrug realizing the gift wasn't a symbol of anything really meaningful but just a gesture of returning favors thats all. And then follows a horrible sinking feeling like they show in Titanic's ending scenes , people are floating in the waters asking for help but everyone is only worried about themselves but still pretending like they care, everything was so beautiful when they were dancing, having fun but when things got ugly, they all started to run for their own lives, and the horror of the moment reflected true human nature which is selfish and fickle with a small bunch of people who really care but rest is just a pretentiousness display of goodness. Like this world is just a lonely planet where we simply pretend we care for each other but deep down we pursue everything with selfish motives and in the end everybody is alone so I shouldn't be fooling myself believing that my loved ones really care about me. Maybe even I am pretending to be nice and caring to them just for the sake of being nice. This all appeared in my dream and I woke up in sweat feeling a little sad and empty. It felt surreal.

But I am not sure if this realization was just another thought or a wavering feeling that reflected some truths.

[Shin]

Do you feel this way all the time, or these kind of thoughts only manifest rarely to you ?

I can remember feeling the same before, but it all fell down when I've started to meditate more than 1 hour per day.

Edited March 21, 2017 by Shin

[Loreena]

@Shin I feel this way a little too often... is it a sign of deeper loneliness issues ?

[TJM1959]

@Loreena I completely get what you are sharing here. I have a personal contract within myself that says I will always be "honest, loving and caring", regardless, period. This contract/agreement with myself can be a challenge living on this planet but it allows for me to sustain what is most important, an agreement with myself that creates different action.
For those of us who do care deeply and passionately about other human beings, like you, can often be derailed or hurt by the transparent/topicle actions of those around us. Could it be a belief about what it is to care deeply for another that would have us wake up in a sweat and saddened, maybe. Or could it be what we experience from others does or does not line up with our core values that may make us wonder if people really do give a shit about the person standing in front of them.
On a personal note...based on your postings and replies on this forum, I really get that you care deeply, you are loving, passionate and human beings matter to you. Amazing contribution, you are.

[Shin]

17 minutes ago, Loreena said:

@Shin I feel this way a little too often... is it a sign of deeper loneliness issues ?

Yes.

I don't know you personally, but from this post I can sense a deep need for authentic friendship, maybe you need to dig into that.

If you're not already doing it, start to meet some people at some spiritual events, every week there should be something near your city.

People will be more mature (both in age and in their head), so it will be easier to find authentic relationships.

Edited March 21, 2017 by Shin

[Loreena]

@TJM1959 thank you for those kind words. 

[Loreena]

3 minutes ago, Shin said:

Yes.

I don't know you personally, but from this post I can sense a deep need for authentic friendship, maybe you need to dig into that.

If you're not already doing it, start to meet some people at some spiritual events, every week there should be something near your city.

People will be more mature (both in age and in their head), so it will be easier to find authentic relationships.

You're right.

[FindingPeace]

On 21/03/2017 at 10:10 AM, Loreena said:

I sometimes think that relationships between humans are so fickle. That nothing is truly long lasting. Like nobody really cares. At the end of the day, we are like loose entities floating around with no real connection or concern for each other,

 

On 21/03/2017 at 10:10 AM, Loreena said:

But I am not sure if this realization was just another thought or a wavering feeling that reflected some truths.

You are starting to see truth. To put it simply, and as uncomfortable as this is for most people to hear, every human is acting out of self-interest. Ultimately. When you are of value to them they will 'care' about you. When you are no longer of value, they no longer care.

This is the usual model. I do think that some people can be more authentic in their concern for others, but in the majority of cases it follows this standard pattern of self-interest. It's quite easy to see it when you look. It's just that we don't want to see it.

Authentic, meaningful, relationships come when people don't want anything from you, and they accept you completely without judgment. When they accept the natural rewards from the relationships, rather than demanding rewards that are not already there.

[FindingPeace]

I just want to add, that the self-interest that people tend to act with, is not necessarily a 'bad' thing. It is just the way it is, for most of us. In fact once we accept this truth, suddenly we can relate to people so much better and be more understanding and accepting of them. It might seem counterintuitive but this is certainly how I have found it.

 

[Loreena]

@FindingPeace thanks

@Nahm .

Edited March 24, 2017 by Loreena

[Shin]

On 23/03/2017 at 7:27 PM, FindingPeace said:

I just want to add, that the self-interest that people tend to act with, is not necessarily a 'bad' thing. It is just the way it is, for most of us. In fact once we accept this truth, suddenly we can relate to people so much better and be more understanding and accepting of them. It might seem counterintuitive but this is certainly how I have found it.

 

A good example would be these kinds of breakup:

The guy or the girl leaves the other because he wants someone more aligned to what he/she is.
For example, a girl who's an artist, and an extravert, while the guy is an introvert and is deep into spirituality.
Both of them could be happy together, sure, but they could be way more with a more appropriate persona.

So if the girl/guy leave the other because of that, you can't really blame him/her, you should be happy for him//her and for yourself,
because not only you can realize this, but you probably realize other stuff about yourself that you could improve to be a better match, even for a more appropriate partner (like being more open sexually/more funny-playful etc ...).

[Scholar]

I think your mind is beginning to realize the egoic falsehood of love and compassion. It is discovering the selfish discrimination of what we value and what we don't. 

People do not love each other, they love aspects about each other. Their looks, personality, achievements, relationships and so on. Why does a mother love it's child? Because it is the mothers child. If it wasn't, the mothers love would be gone. This is how fragile and discriminate conventional love is. You just have to change one circumstance, and it disappears. Brothers and sisters love each other because they are brothers and sister, and because they have known each other since birth. Take away that relationship and they don't care about each other whatsoever.

So what love really is, is a selfish act of perserving and taking care of something that is part of oneself. "My child", "My sister", "My boyfriend". It's all about yourself, if it wasn't, you'd love everyone uncondtionally. If they don't give you joy, chances are you will not love them, or care for them.

This is why true love is unconditional. It is permanent, because it does not discriminate. It is not about what is yours. It is not about "your family", but about all families. It is not about "your species", but all species. It is simply a love of everything there is. If you realize that this is the one and only, true and honest kind of love, you will see how shallow every other kind of love is. The great love of the mother becomes a selfish act of self-preservation. The "selfless" act of a husband sacrficing himself for his wife becomes equally selfish. Because in the end it's always about them, about what is theirs. They do not sacrifice themselves for someone else wife.

 

In the end everyone wants love, but at the same time everyone is too selfish to develope true love. There needs to be an absence of attachements, because each attachement will create a selfish desire to perserve one thing over the other. It shouldn't make a difference wether you are saving your own child, or a helpless dog on the streets. Infact, it shouldn't make a difference wether you are saving Adolf Hitler or Jesus Christ. As soon as it does, it is a selfish act. True love is completely unconditional, because the conditions themselves are selfish. They don't hold truth, they hold what you like and what you don't like. You don't like mass murderers, so you decide not to care about them. This process of discrimination is what keeps one from true love. We only love what we like and we give compassion to those we prefer most in our lifes. Ironically, most people prefer to be with happy people, so their compassion goes towards those who already have a good life. The sad, miserable, angry and truly lonely people are scary, disgusting and boring to us, so we keep away from them, distancing ourselves until they act out their suffering. Then we wonder what could have made those people do these things, completely ignorant to the source, which lies in all of us.

 

There is so much suffering in the world, the craving for love is so great that people are unable to give back. They endlessly search for a tiny bit of authentic love, and because most of them are doing it, none realizes that simply stopping and giving true love and compassion would completely solve the problem. Our selfishness is creating our own suffering.

 

I think once you see this, it is hard to unsee. The shallowness of what people call love and friendship today is so obvious, it can hardly give any fulfillment. But it doesn't need to, because in the end you don't need that to be fulfilled and happy. You can take joy in it if you start seeing life as the little game that it truly is. Humans tend to take their existance way too serious, if you can let go of that, you mind will realize that it brings only suffering to you and others.

 

The next time you say you love someone, think about what you are referring to when you say that. Do you love them, or do you love aspects about them? And then think about what they truly are, what these people are at their essence. Asking that question is the same as asking what you are. The essence of your being, what is it? Is it your personality? Your genes? Your looks? 

In the end, what you truly are, is consciousness. And in the end, what everyone else is, is consciousness. You can call it soul if you want. But the thing is, the essence of everyone is the exact same thing. Everyone is essentially consciousness. Every living being that exists. So, if you love one of them, you cannot not love everyone else, because they are all exactly the same. There is no difference whatsoever, not even between yourself and others. Of course, the content of consciousness differs from one person to the other, but you are not the content, are you? And so is noone else.

 This is another way of seeing true love. If you discover what you truly are, and you love that essence, you cannot help but love everyone else, because you know they are the exact same thing.

Edited March 26, 2017 by Scholar

[Bodhi123]

@Scholar First of all, a very well thought-out and articulated post.

14 hours ago, Scholar said:

Everyone is essentially consciousness. Every living being that exists. So, if you love one of them, you cannot not love everyone else, because they are all exactly the same.

It is true that everyone is essentially consciousness. However, in this 3-dimensional world that we inhabit is it practical to say that if you "love one person you have to love everyone".

For example, I can love my wife and child... AND... I would beat the shit out of anyone that tries to harm them. Is this wrong?

 

[Shin]

20 minutes ago, Bodhi123 said:

@Scholar First of all, a very well thought-out and articulated post.

It is true that everyone is essentially consciousness. However, in this 3-dimensional world that we inhabit is it practical to say that if you "love one person you have to love everyone".

For example, I can love my wife and child... AND... I would beat the shit out of anyone that tries to harm them. Is this wrong?

 

It is only "wrong" if you can't do the same for an another wife and child when you have the choice.

Chances are that you can't, just like 99.99% of people.

@Bodhi123 To the death ? I doubt that ^^

It is practical at this relative level, we just don't have the consciousness level required to be able to do it.

Well we do, but we don't know that we do

Edited March 27, 2017 by Shin

[Bodhi123]

@Shin I have and would defend strangers.

However, my main point is that certain ways of thinking although true at an absolute level are not practical or realistic at this relative level.

[Bodhi123]

@Shin To the death... probably not

But I would call the police

[Vingger]

You are trying to understand love thinking of karma and also I think you assume a couple things about what really is a other...

do this entire day step meditation that worked for me recently  :

 

At morning

before you open your eyes, laugh without reason

then make your bed a mess and leave it this way all day until night.

At afternoon 

Take a walk into your neighborhood, a park where many people were enjoying.

You want to be like a ghost within couples but very disciplined, walking consciously and breathing consciously, if you feel you are thinking too much you simply leave.

at night

Clean your room the best you can, order your things, etc,

make this bed that before you had left a mess, and meditate up there, using the do nothing method, for no more than 15 to 20 minutes, If you have a cat, force it to meditate with you  

then turn off the lights, lay on bed and put headphones on with some energetic music i leave you what i used down side.

 actually fill with thoughts trying to schematizes very quickly topics of your interest, Or anything that is floating in your mind try to follow this thoughts and develope them until there is no more to develope without doing the proper research, then you go to another more interesting topic, you are now a happy thinker, free up your creativity

So When the moment of an undesirable thought arises, maybe it's a history, An ex boyfriend who hurt you etc

you want develope it until you suffer, there you instantly imagine a nice situation where you are dealing with this fear or whatever, saying to it exactly what you want or whatever you can,

The important thing is to recognize a detachment or forgiveness in this situation that comes from the real you and to feel like it is rally happening, the best you can

then you do this imaginary situation to all people you have a strong connection, you say to it whatever you want,

for example I talked to my deceased grandparents, my living mother and father, friends, and finally myself

after that imagine concentrating all these thoughts in your hands and dissolving it in silence/consciousness seeing what it really are

then you simply sleep, if you can sleep consciously excelent.

 

I hope I've helped

Jamiroquai's Feel so good song and album

Edited March 27, 2017 by Vingger

[Scholar]

8 hours ago, Bodhi123 said:

@Scholar First of all, a very well thought-out and articulated post.

It is true that everyone is essentially consciousness. However, in this 3-dimensional world that we inhabit is it practical to say that if you "love one person you have to love everyone".

For example, I can love my wife and child... AND... I would beat the shit out of anyone that tries to harm them. Is this wrong?

 

It's not really about what is practical, but about what is true. True love doesn't mean loving the person, but instead what the person truly is. The person is a facade, a shallow expression of the essential being. If you become conscious of what you are, and thus, of what everyone else is, it'll be difficult not to love it all, because you will actually be aware of there being no difference between your wife and child, and the person who is harming them. They are the same, so loving one over the other will simply make no sense. Either you love it all, or you do not, at all.

The question whether or not it is wrong is essentially the question of whether you like it or not. Everything that is evil and wrong is what the human dislikes. Everything that is good and beautiful is what the human being likes.

You have to inspect what the love you are describing truly is. You feel the need to protect something that is yours, to defend it from something that is not yours. Why? Is it not because you would feel terrible if something happened to your children? What is it then truly about, is it about your child and wife, or is it simply about the way you feel for them? Do you truly act out of love, or do you act out of anger, fear and sadness? You will know if you inspect how you feel while committing the act. There are alot of people who confuse anger with love.

Acting out of love does not contain any anger or fear, it simply is an action of love. Most human beings haven't even once acted out of true love, so they do not even comprehend how powerful it is. Acting out of true love does not keep your from protecting your children, it simply means that you will care for both the beater, and the beaten. A mother who watches both her children fight can still keep them from fighting, even if she loves both of them. Infact, the compassion she has towards both allows her a deeper understanding and a solution that brings the least amount of suffering. That doesn't mean that she cannot use force, it just means that she won't unnecessarily harm them.

 

In your case, if someone tries to harm your children, you would try your best to understand the position of the harmer. What leads him to this desperate action, and what way could you protect both your wife and child and the harmer. Anger, fear and hatred will make it impossible for you to really solve the problem. You can beat the shit out of the person, but that will only make him more angry, and if he has a family, it will bring just as much suffering to them as it would to you. In the end, you create more suffering by acting unwisely, feeding the system of aggression. If you truly love, then you will try to find the best solution for everyone. It might not be possible, but atleast you will try. In the end, only a wholistic solution will truly benefit us all.

 

Edited March 27, 2017 by Scholar

[Bodhi123]

45 minutes ago, Scholar said:

Either you love it all, or you do not, at all.

This really sounds like a theoretical argument to me. Do you really feel this way?

47 minutes ago, Scholar said:

True love doesn't mean loving the person, but instead what the person truly is.

Perhaps we have different definitions of true love.

[jjer94]