180 Days Of Obsessive Hard Work

[Pursue]

Hi guys, 

I used to have my journal under another alias. I was at day 8 of my commitment and realized that anyone could look at my journal only by typing my real name on google.

I was sure it was totally anonymous but it wasn't and that  made me excessively anxious about that and removed the whole journal. And, unfortunately, I have backslide from what I wanted to achieve. So then, I will start again.

It was helping me a lot to write about my day here so I will start my journal again, from day one. 

So here is my commitment again! 

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I have calculated that if I work really effectively at work and if i maintain good habits i could be out of debt in 6 months. Which is on the 20th  of August. It will require hard work and will be extremely difficult. I know this approach is neurotic and unbalanced but it seems to me that it is the good choice to make right now.

• It starts on the 20th of march until the 20th of august
• Everyday when i wake up, i will do my morning ritual, no excuses.
• Wake up, Journal entry, self esteem exercises, meditation, visualisation and one hour of study.
• Everyday i will work on my general anxiety as little as it could be
• Everyday I will count my calories, and I will eat only 2000 calories  (Will change variously on diet plan I am )
• I will go to the gym 4 to 6 times a week. NEED at least 1 day of break.
• I will not eat out for the entirety of the 6 months. If i do it will be directly from the groceries.
• I could eat if it I am invited by someone or once in awhile with a date.
• No alcohol and tobacco. Strictly no!
• Everything i spend at the groceries will be healthy and necessary.
• I will not spend on rock star, diet coke, etc.
• I decide not to watch any television or tv shows. Unless it is house of cards, better call saul, game of thrones, mr robot or sherlock.
• Every time I have to spare i will do one of those Aspect:  Work, Music, Learning, Sport, Self improvement, Reading, nothing else.
• I will go out(Chilling with friends, going to the club, going on dates, etc) a maximum of 2 times per week.
• When i listen to stuff, i will either listen to informative things about something i want to learn or only new music i never listened too.
• Will have a very strict sleeping routine. Max 11h during the night and wake up at 7h during the week. Always have a 8 hours of sleep minimum
• If only I am ahead of my month's goals, i could go out 3 or 4 times a week instead of 2.
• I will create a fulfilling vision and visualise it everyday
• Every month I will establish my goals and how many hours per week i should spend towards them.
• I can only spend 15 dollars per week beside groceries and other obvious payments (Rent, phone, etc)
• I can only spend 250 dollars per month on groceries. (That will be hard)

List of no’s

• No entertainment podcast, tv shows or movies,
• Instead: Read a book, do music exercise, play the guitar, etc
• No multi tasking. When i do something, i focus entirely on that thing for the whole time  i do.
• No smoking, alcohol, diet coke, rockstar, any beverage besides water .
• No saying yes to things i do not want to do

In 6 months i will finally be free of my bad habits and will start having a free life. When I will be out debt and free of my bad habits.

In addition to my good habits, I will finally have been working on what i like, and nothing else.

Edited March 21, 2017 by Pursue

[Pursue]

Day 1st

Wake up: 9:40

Weight: 226

Today was a good feeling because I could feel I really wanted to get my life back on track. I remembered when I was at day 28th 2 months ago, when i was feeling that my bad habits were finally gone. My self esteem was through the roof and I could vision myself being finally free of everything. That was a good feeling, like anything that was coming true me was surmountable. Of course, i did not feel 100 percent fulfilled, but I had a constant hope that I could be soon enough. And that feeling is great. 

Today i spent all day trying to figure out how shopify works. A friend of mine showed me his store yesterday and i could see his excitement of making sales. The thing is, I did it at my job, so i let aside the sales job for the full day. I do not feel pressured as I was at first at the job and i rationally think it is a bad thing. 

The first thing is , sales is not my passion, and i do not think it will ever be. I know, most people say you should do what you really like, but in my situation i feel like i should strategically kick ass at my work, in order to get out of my debt first and then do the move of going independent. 

The second thing is, sales still helps me overcome major fears that i had all my life. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, self discipline, positivity, etc. All those things are closely related to self improvement and i love this aspect of sales.

The third thing is, I think I am letting myself go because I have achieved what i was scared of. At first, I sucked ballz at work. I couldn't do 5 sales a week and now I am pretty good and consistent. It did not take that long. However, as soon as I hit the target, I have no motivation to go higher (even the commission). I am doing the strict minimum and that is kind of lame.

So, not working hard at work, even if it is to work on my online shop, is caused by a lack of discipline and my fear of failure, and not because I want to change branch. 

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What i did great today:

• I worked on my shop online a lot
• I went to the gym in the end (I went at first and quit and came back 1 hour later)
• I ate a reasonable amount of food

Things to work on for tomorrow:

• I need to work way more harder at work, I did not work at all for the full day. I should not touch my shopify account for the full day. That will do it.
• No Pepsi, or spending. Maybe just buy some caffeine
• Will do my agenda at the beginning of the day.
• I will do everything of my commitment tomorrow.

[Pursue]

Day 2

 

Wake up: 7h10

Days remaining: 21549

 

I feel really good this morning. I did not sleep a lot. I could only sleep at 2h10. However, I know that i will turn into my good habit of sleeping at 11h by trying hard everytime to go to sleep at that time.

 

Distraction

 

I have learned in the past that i am really easily distracted. I tried many things to be able to listen to music or podcasts while writing or working and sincerely, it just makes have a rush feeling that I can’t concentrate. So I have to take the habit of only focusing on one thing at the time. Like while I am writing this, the only thing i should do is write that, and not listen to anything else.

It is always a little bit hard to remove the entertainment. I feel like I always want to be entertained whatever I am doing.

 

Things to work on today:

• I will work hard at work do between 8 and 12 pomodoros
• I will ask more questions to prospects.
• I will try to remove distraction from my phone

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Things that went great:

• I did my meditation (17 minutes)
• I did my vizualisation (only 3 minutes)
• I woke up early 
• I ate properly  
• I was not really anxious
• I did my new training to the gym and it is fucking intense.

 

Meditation and visualisation

I did not do my morning ritual as I wanted. Since right now, there is a lot of things going on at my house, it is easier for me to do it at work. However, the

I did not work as much as i wanted too today. I was again really distracted of my phone. And I maybe have done 3 pomodoros. Which means most of the day I did not work. I feel like being on the improvement plan made me want to work less, which is not a good thing because I really need the money from this job. I know deep inside i want to keep the work and i know that my self esteem is higher when i work harder at that job. However, i do not take the action necessary for that. Let tommorow be difference.

I also had a drop in energy when I came back home and went directly to sleep. Being tired is dangerous in the sense that I am prone to not listen to my higher self and only use my

 

Things to work on tomorrow:

• No cell phone while pomodoro at work
• Do not slip on my evening ritual

 

[Pursue]

Day 3 

Wake up at: 9:30

Weight: 225

 

Things that went great today

• Meditation 16:30
• Visualization 5:00
• Was not anxious most of the day 
• I had a really interesting date
• I did not spend on anything useless!

Work

Today, I did not work enough at work. But, I worked more than the two last days. It is not that hard to beat. I feel like the idea of getting fired is getting me unmotivated, like if I already lost. I am already looking for other jobs and I am thinking about what other job i will do next instead of trying to work harder so i am not fired.

I could take that as a sign I really do not care about my job. Or that this is not something I want to give enough effort.

Date

I went on a date today and I really liked the girl. I have met a lot of girls in the last months and I have the feeling that we had a great time together. I am really glad that now i can go on date confidently. If i think one year ago I was so anxious about those things. The difference is really day and night.

Things I have to work on tomorrow:

• Eat exactly 2000 calories
• Have a better organisation about my day
• Be more concentrated
• WORK harder at work, close at least 2 sales
• Go to the gym in the morning
• Take only 1 caps of caffeine

[Pursue]

Day 4

 

Weight: 224

Days left 21547

Feeling: Rested but anxious

 

What went great today:

• I worked harder at work.
• I ate properly today
• I went to the gym and gave my 100 percent

 

An unbalanced beginning

Theoretically, I am at day 4, but I haven’t really follow my commitment to the letter. Most mornings I haven't done my morning ritual, I haven”t work hard enough at work, etc. But I feel like those days are still valuable because they are the build up of my ritual. To start over my ritual would be to withdraw those days of any value.

It would be a little too much to go directly into the commitment 100 percent and I think I need to accept it. I feel like by the day 7, I will have fully implemented the habit, but i know they will be hard to keep. I will have to keep working hard to follow the habits until they become like a second nature. I feel like by the day 60, I will already have felt a huge difference. As i remember from the past, at day 20ish, I was feeling amazing. Like stupidly great.

Discipline

Am i too hard on myself? Or do i lack self discipline? The problem is i feel like i am not living life to my own standards. Nobody is actually forcing me to follow this hard ass commitment, but i feel like there is. Maybe it is my higher self that knows that in order to feel fulfilled, i kind of need to accomplish that. And in itself it is good because it is motivating me to perform. But on the other hand the feeling that goes with it is pretty negative. If only i could change perspective about that. I would love to feel like i am enough right now, and that i do not need to do what i am doing but i chose to do it.

Work, Negative thoughts and blaming

Okay now I am getting really anxious about what is going to happen.  I have no sales this week and I was supposed to do at least 8. I have still 13 hours to get those sales done but, honestly, I do not think this will be enough to do 8 sales.

To be completely honest for the first 2 days of the week i did not do anything. I was building up my ecommerce website and I did not do anything to sale. So basically, it is totally my bad.

During the day, was putting the blame on everything (In my head). <<The list of leads I have right now is bad. My manager, is bad. I have no support. The systems are fucked up. This product is not good. Nobody likes my company, etc>> And with some perspective, I know those thoughts are usually not totally right. I should focus on what I can do better instead of blaming others. I have become kind of good to feel those thoughts and rapidly acknowledge that they are bullshit, but they are still there. Like if my emotional side and rational side are not synced.

I see myself now having no choice but to have a plan B. I will probably be fired. And at this point i do not think it is my anxiety that is kicking in, but I think it is totally true. I mean, I am on an improvement plan that i signed, saying that I would become better. And I am actually worst.

I will do everything possible at work to not get fired. I will work my ass off tomorrow and try to close that 3 sales I need, and I will come overtime on the weekend too and make at least 100 calls a day. But at the same time I will look for another job on the internet. Just to make sure that if I am fired I have a plan B.

 

Addictions and anxiety

 

I am an addict. Too almost everything but mainly to stimulations. And it is slowing me in my pursuit of fulfillment. I constantly check my cellphone to see if something happen (This is pretty recent), I always want to put something in my mouth (food or beverage), I always have my headphones on because I can’t just take 2 fucking minutes in silence. It is like i fear the void. I do not want to feel the absence of stimuli. Without them, I am really anxious. But from experience I know that the feeling of anxiety dissolve pretty quickly. I should check my cell phone only twice or thrice (is that even a word) a day. Like I used too.

 

Is it a sign that i do not like to live with myself? I do not know, But for sure it is a sign that i cannot live the present moment. And in that way meditation helps me a lot. I know that right now at only 4 days in my commitment, meditation is really hard, but at some point it will be easier and actually it will be agreable.

 

I know that for me addictions is a constant problem, I used to have a drug and alcohol problem, I used to drink 6 to 8 liters of diet coke a day. I used to be addicted to validation. So I know that it can be done, i can overcome those addictions.

 

I feel like having those addictions is just a way for me to escape my constant anxiety. This constant emotional grinding. I am used to feel this way now but I sincerely hope it will someday disappear. And I will never give up until it will because this is not a nice way to live. I never feel like things are enough, I am always on the edge, everything means something negative, any little dent on my ego can just switch my whole reality and it fucking hurts. And I trick myself into thinking that i am only rational, and not negative but this is bullshit, this is truly emotional and nothing else.  I really want to be this positive guy, nothing shakes him, nothing can change his fucking way of thinking, while still being open minded and kind to others. I know i will become that man. That fucking dude.

 

I have read everywhere that general anxiety cannot be cured. That it will always be there. I do not want to believe it. Maybe I can just accept that i will always be like that. Is it a part of self acceptance that i am missing? Maybe by accepting that i will always be negative, I will finally let go of it?

 

If i accept that anxiety is not curable, I can’t accept that it will always feel this way.

 

Things to work on tomorrow:

• Do at least 100 calls at work.
• Close my cellphone from 10 am to 2 pm and from 2:30 to 6
• Count the exact calories I will be eating
• Do my morning ritual exactly how it is supposed to be

[Afonso]

Shit, way to go! I wish you the best!

[Pursue]

4 hours ago, Afonso said:

Shit, way to go! I wish you the best!

Thanks for the support man!

[Pursue]

 

Day 5

 

Weight: 227 (What??)

Time to wake up: 8:30

Days left: 21546

Feeling: Rested, Calm, good

 

A little vision for the day

I feel like today is a day where I will have a lot of motivation. I see myself at work being world class epic salesman and to be concentrated the whole day. I see myself following the commitment to the letter. I see myself being proud of myself at the end of the day, i see myself being able to counter all the bad impulses I get.

 

Things to work on today:

• Do at least 100 calls at work.
• Close my cellphone from 10 am to 2 pm and from 2:30 to 6
• That will help me with anxiety too, help me to not fill the void all the time with stimuli, but only live with the present
• Count the exact calories I will be eating
• I will be using my fitness pal.
• Do my morning ritual exactly how it is supposed to be.
• I already failed in a way because I have not enough time to do my meditation before going to work. However, i have enough time to do my
• REMAIN POSITIVE

 

What went great today

• Unguided meditation 15 minutes
• Concentration period 1 minute (As shown in actualized videos)
• Visualization (A little 2 minutes) I have a hard time to concentrate while doing visualisation.
• Closed two sales!!!!
• Able to reject all my bad impulses for fast food or diet coke!
• Able to manage my anxieties
• Ate properly

 

Communication is the key

 

I started the day being really negative. I came at work like it was my last hours, like the worst was already happened. I projected myself having difficulties to find other work, and so on and so one. At some time I was so stressed that I emailed my boss and explained to him the situation. That i feared i was going to get fired if I do not  do the sales necessary this month

HE called me back and told me he is not going to fire me before trying to help me first. That gave me a lot of motivation to work on. I called a lot after that and was able to close one sale.

 

Negative Motivation

The previous situations made me realize I am really not open to negative motivation. Actually, I have the tendency to be negative and to always expect the worst. At some times, I think it helps me out because I always have an alternative even when the worst happen.  But i think it is a matter of focus. When i focus too much on a negative alternative I have the impression it is already true!

 

I wonder if I could think of the worst an a eventuality and not a reality and still remain positive.

 

Things to work on for tomorrow:

• Again. Totally dismiss my cell phone during work (Which I did not succeed yesterday)
• Working hard at work, i need to close 4 sales

[Pursue]

Day 6

 

Weight: 223.5 (Makes more sense than yesterday)

Wake up time: 9h (Allowed on weekends)

Feeling: Rested, Calm, Some sporadic anxiety

 

Things to work on for today:

• Again. Totally dismiss my cell phone during work
• Working hard at work, i need to close 4 sales

 

A glimpse of feeling free

This morning I wake up and I felt really good. Even though I had to go to work, I felt free for some time and it was a good feeling. I know for sure it is because i proved myself that I can do 6 days of good habits without backsliding. It is crazy how simple things can change your whole perceptions. I am not richer than I was 6 days ago, I am not skinnier, I have the same type of anxieties, I still face being fired at my job. But those 6 days just proved me that those obstacles are not beyond my power.

For maybe 10 to 15 minutes after i woke up i felt serene and good with myself. And only that is something to look forward too. It gives me hope.

I know that this half a year will be an emotional roller coaster probably and I keep this feeling as a reference for when things will go harsh in the future.

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Things that went great today:

• I went to work on a Saturday (Self discipline)
• I went at a big family dinner (Facing my fear)
• I was tired and decided to go to bed early on a weekend (Self discipline)
• I was really assertive with my father while still being courteous
• I had a good time with my family!

 

Resistance

I am constantly fighting against resistance. Every day. It is a good thing tho. That means that i do not fear, logically, going against Status Quo. When I want to start something, there is always a part of me that wants to stay at the same point I am right now. Let’s say even to write those line, I procrastinated a lot. I searched what music to listen to (Even tho I know my music will restrain me from being productive), i sent messages on facebook to my roommate, etc. I had to say, Okay, ‘’Let's go now and put myself back up’’.

I mean, I think it is pretty normal because I am only at day 6 and a habit takes a lot of time to acquire so I do not mind feeling this resistance for now.

The worst part about the resistance is the anxiety that comes with it. Per example, I feel physically tired and unconcentrated when i get at first in a new task. So it takes me a while before having any efficient work. The thing is, for the first 5 minutes I tend to think it will always be hard like that, and then i start to think i will never become the person i want if I do not break this resistance. So i start over analyzing my resistance instead of just taking action with taking things lightly, I have to make a conscious effort every time to let go of the desire to resist the resistance or it just makes me fucking anxious.

 

Anxiety with family

I feel so anxious when i am with my extended family. We are a pretty big family maybe 20 to 30 and i do not see them often, The last time I saw the whole family was 15 months ago. The thing is, when I see this family i often comes back to my old self, i do not talk much because I am too nervous and I do not want to invest into any type of conversation that would be too long. I still feel like i should not behave like the little hyperactive obnoxious kid (as I was when i was young). At the same time, i feel like there is a part of me that wants to prove them that i am improving. And that is kinda bad because i am supposed to do this journey only for myself. And on paper there is not a lot that i can say to tell them that i am going way better than i used too.

What can I tell: ‘’Yeah you know since last time you saw me I am no more a drug addict, i do not drink anymore. Heum, I used to have social anxiety\paranoia but now it's all fine. Also, I banged a dozens of chicks in the last months, which is really surprising if we look at how confident i was two years ago.’’

In perspective, i just think it is not important for me to show how better my life is. Because I will not gain anything from their approval. Nothing. It is pretty egocentric to go to a family dinner in hope that people will see how my life is going better. How the hell could that be the purpose of a social gathering? So I just focused on having a good time with them, listening to their stories, to their lives, and tried to have as much fun as I could.

I tried as hard as i could but sometimes I was still crippled by my anxiety. It is a pretty interesting thing that I used to be like that with a LOT of people before. But now i am only like this with my family and to be honest, remembering this old feeling only gives me hope. Because i remember how hard I struggled back then.

 

Things to work on:

• I was offered food so I ate a lot at the family diner
• I do not do my journal at the end of the day as i should

[Pursue]

Day 7

 

Wake up at: 11 o'clock (Okay during weekends)

Weight: 226

Feeling: dazed, unconcentrated, calm, no rush

 

Morning ritual on the weekend = Procrastination

 

The morning ritual used to be so easy to do (In my last commitment) and now it is so hard! I am supposed to wake up, eat, sit down, do my journal for the beginning of the day, establish what i will be working on, meditation, and then visualization. But that is not really what i am doing at the moment.

What really happened when i woke up this morning is i ate and then I seat in the front of my computer, and i just browse the internet to look and new self actualization concepts, I played a little of guitar, i browsed the forum, I looked what would it cost to come back to school etc. It took me 2 hours to finally stop procrastinating and finally write those sentences.

Theoretically there is nothing wrong with what i did this morning, i would probably would have done those researches another time, but this is not what i needed to do this morning. This morning, i wanted to directly do my morning ritual and having that done for the day.

You see right now, only having been concentrated for 3 minutes writing what is above I have already killed off all the resistance of writing stuff. In 200 words. I should remember that every time! Only 200 words, and I will feel better writing after that!

So here I am,

 

What to work on today:

• I have a family diner, so i will practice to be present in the moment and listen to people, try not to hide myself
• I will not order anything big at the restaurant
• I will work at least 2 hours on my online store
• I will practice at least 2 hours of guitar

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Things that went great:

• Meditation: 10 minutes
• No bad spending for the whole weekend

Meditation and anxiety

So i started doing meditation today and I stopped after 10 minutes. I felt a lot of anguish that i was suppressing from yesterday. I saw myself into situations with my family when i was conversing with people and I was not really listening, where i was only waiting for people to finish talking so i could say what i had to say. Situation when what I was saying was not clear, etc. I remembered there face and i am now attaching negative reaction from them. I imagined them thinking: ‘’ fuck this guy is so not socially calibrated’’ ‘’ fuck this guy is weird’’, ‘’he probably doesn’t have any friends’’, etc. Which I think it may not be totally true.

Since those thoughts brought me a lot of anxiety, I decided to stop after 10 minutes. I will try again tonight.

For future references, I will only notice the feelings and not attached any feelings to them, i see the images coming through and go, and coming through again, and go.

 

Diner with my family again

It was my mother’s birthday and at the same time we celebrated mine. I took a glass of wine. I think that is perfectly fine since it was with moderation. I enjoyed being at the supper even though i felt like everyone was there only by ‘’tradition’’ and not really to have fun. My sister and her boyfriend was there. Again, With my family i feel like I am my old self, the one that is socially anxious and not confident, there is still a part of me that is like that and i should accept it.

 

Things to work on tomorrow:

• Let go of the Monday resistance at work
• Give my 100 percent
• Do my morning ritual exactly how it is supposed to

[Pursue]

Day 8

 

Weight: 226

Wake up at: 7:30

Days left: 21 543

 

Things that went great

• Great cardio at the gym
• I ate really well the whole day
• 4 sales!
• Managed my anxiety

Already easier

Okay wow, so it is already the second week. I see a lot of improvement already. I am more conscious of the choice i make and what i feel at any moment. It feels like I had a brain fog that I did not realize before.

It has been only one week and my overall feeling is way better. I would say I know I am on the good path and I know I will accomplish more than I want to.

Also, the habits are getting easier than they were. The writing in the morning, the self esteem exercise, working harder at work. All of those seems like they swift more easily.

I am less hungry all the time, I do not care for diet coke so much.

I still feel a lot of resistance before doing things, but they seems easier to do when i first get at them.

 

Waking up in bed

I realized when I wake up i take at least 10 minutes in my bed that i could use differently. I should do something about that starting next morning. I commit to myself to get up of my bed after only 5 seconds and straight up go to the kitchen pour myself a glass of water. It will also help me if I have already a pair of pants besides me so it doesn’t take a lot of time to put them on.

 

Concentration music

Wow, I just realized how Study Music helps me a lot to write! I would never have expect that. It calms my nerves and I do not feel like going anywhere else. It eases my anxiety and I feel like it is amazing. It is literally something to look more into.

 

Good Vibes and Work

Today I had a good vibe going on. A relatively positive energy at work. I could see all the mistakes I was doing but i did not care. Despite of taking them too seriously, I laughed about them. While still try to learn from them. I worked harder than any day from last week, and it gave me results. I did 4 sales today.

Concentration

I have a hard time now concentrating when i get back from work.

 

Things to work on tomorrow

1. Work harder at work
2. Not touch my cellphone for the whole day,
3. Have a good time at my date tomorrow!

[Pursue]

Day 10

Weight 227 (Omg that is too high)

Days left: 21541

Feeling: Tired, Calm, at ease no anxiety

 

What went great today:

• I was more at ease with people
• Very low, almost none, anxiety
• Did not buy anything
• I was able to resist my bad habits
• Unguided Meditation (16 minutes)
• I ate really well
• Was not a cell maniac like the days before
• I had a nice date

Resistance and fatigue

 

For the last couple of days it has been really hard for me to get into any kind of work that is not my 9-5 job. When i come back home, it seems so hard to begin anything a just have my eyes that drops on me and it is really hard to concentrate. I wrote on the forum here for some advice and I think it is because of all the anxiety that I live throughout the day that I do not deal with. Therefore, I will take 2 to 3 break today only for that, to deal with my anxiety. I will use the taming the gremlin technique and see how it goes after at the end of the day.

 

Infrastructure

For me it is hard to write my journal at the end of the day because my computer is in a common room for everyone. So i bought a desk to put in my room. But my laptop just broke and doesn't get the internet. This is something i need to fix in order for me to be easier to work more during the afternoon.

 

Impulsivity and anxiety

I am becoming less anxious as the days pasts by and I feel it is making me way more impulsive socially. I feel like i fear less what people think of me and i tend to take over conversations and shout stuff that is not necessary. Literally, i say things I do not mean or i do not really think.

I think this is good and bad at the same time. It is good in a sense where I now let myself go more in the moment, but it is bad in the sense that I am less aware of my surroundings, of what is appropriate at any given time. I feel like i can find the right balance of being impulsive and intuitive and still be appropriate.

 

Date

Went to a date with a girl, it was the second time i see her. First time was at the club.It was pretty fun. Although we laughed together and we had a good time I could see we had no sexual chemistry between us two so I do not want to move things forward.

 

Things to work on:

• I did not visualize
• Be more aware of my surroundings
• Do hand stretches and exercise

[Pursue]

Day 11

Already feeling better

 

Weight: 225

Days left: 21540

Feeling: rested, calm, peaceful

 

What to work on today

• Do my full meditation and visualization
• Do concentration exercise
• Do stretches for my hand.
• Try not to vomit thoughts I am thinking of

 

Things that went great

• Did visualization and meditation like wanted
• I ate less than 2000 calories!
• I had a ego boost and think i am really intelligent
• I worked on my things after my work (Still need to be more concentrated at it)

 

It is working so far

So far, I am only at day 10 and far from doing every little things to the letter. (My morning ritual is not really followed all the time, I eat a little more than 2000 calories, I do not visualize everyday, ect) But I already made a lot of progress in many areas, and i see the switch my life is making already. I feel way less anxious, I feel like I have a path, like everything I do as a reason. I feel more conscious of what will happen. Like if I have power over my life. I feel more grounded

It shows in the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I dress now and especially the way I feel. I swear just at the moment writing those lines. I do not think about the millions things to come during the day, If I will have enough time to accomplish all of them, what will i do next so I can feel more accomplished.

I already am less hungry all the time, I do not crave fast food, I do not crave diet coke!! I still crave spending money though and that is hard to resist.

Of course it is a really subtle change, i did not become someone else in 11 days. But i just have a glimpse of a vision, and it is really motivating. I can’t even imagine when all of this will be a second nature for me.

 

Hard time to meditate

Okay, I was doing a lot of meditation in the past and I was able to do 20 minutes, sitting with my back straight. Now that I do my meditation at work, it is hard for me to stay straight more than 10 minutes at a time.

So basically the idea to stop meditating is overwhelming about 8 minutes in. I try to just notice it and I guess this is where the juice is, if I can resist the idea the urge to stop and be able to relax myself. It would mean i am able to let go of strong resistance which would be of great use in the future. I feel like the ‘’problem’’ is that my back is sore when I am meditating, this is something that time will make stronger so I have no worries about that.

 

Things to work on tomorrow:

• Full concentration at work
• Eating 2000 calories again
• Try to be positive all day. (Last day of my improvement plan at work so a lot of negative thoughts might come in)

[Pursue]

Day 12

 

Wake up at: 9:00 (too much sleep)

Weight: 223.6 (Good)

Days left:

 

Things to work on today:

• Big and extensive work
• Do not fear calling those numbers
• Be concentrated as fuck
• Eat only 2000 calories.
•  

Not getting fired

So, I was on this improvement plan for 3 weeks at the job and I was not getting the results expected. I was seeing myself getting fired and I was pretty anxious about the idea.

When I came in this friday, One of my colleague, also on the improvement plan, got fired. She came in with the suspicion that she was going to get fire on monday and couldn’t stand the idea so she called our boss. She came back and said it was over for her. Now, In my head I knew me and her and about the same result and i began being scared about getting fired too, So i called the boss myself and he told me it was not the same situation for me.

It was a relief and honestly it just gave me an extra boost to work harder. I think negative motivation is one of the worst thing for me because i accept the worst outcome and already try to plan for it instead of making my 100 percent so it doesn’t happen. It is like I accept the worst scenario to already be a reality.

 

Things to work on tomorrow:

• Find a way to be able to write about my day in my room (My internet is not working)
• Eat properly
• Do my goals and vision

[Pursue]

Day 13

Weight: 222.5 (Wow it’s getting down)

Wake up at 10:19 (more than 10 hours of sleep)

 

Things to work on today:

• Being really much concentrated at the work today
• Go to the gym after work
• Create my vision, goals for the month and my monthly report.
• Work on my anxiety
• Going out tonight and do at least 15 approaches.

_________________________________

What went great today

• Had a really peaceful meditation 16 minutes
• I had an amazing gym session
• I fixed a problem (I have now a desk in my room with a laptop and internet)
• I drank only one beer
• I ate really well today
• I fought resistance many time during the day
• I had great concentration at work
• General feeling: Sometimes stressed, Sometimes peaceful a lot of resistance.

 

More assertive

 

I feel like I am way more assertive now than I use to be. Since everything I am doing is important for me, I have no shame of saying to people that I do not have time to listen to them, or that what i am doing is too important to stop. I have realised also that the more assertive I get, the more I do not take personal when people are, and that is a great thing. I feel like i understand where there assertiveness is coming from and it has nothing to do with me but only with them.

 

Why so much sleep?

 

It is really interesting to see how much sleep i need right now. I sleep more than 9 hours everyday. I think this is pretty normal. I just started a whole new routine, and I have a lot of things going on in my head. It is emotionally and physically demanding. I decided to not beat myself up about the sleeping and just wait and see.

 

Fighting resistance

Okay, At first I had a huge problem of fighting this resistance, it would take me a lot of energy to start something and to continue doing it. However over the time it became much more easy but it is still there. It seems like the feeling of resistance is still present. I can acknowledge the feeling and decide to move on. Everytime I see the feeling I just tell myself that taking action at this moment will only make me grow and my reach will become wider. Of course, it is still something i need to work on sometimes it takes me 15 minutes to fight the resistance, but i never give up and think that everytime I kill it, next time it is going to be easier.

 

Alcohol

 

It is 7 pm and I am currently drinking a beer. The impulse of buying beer is pretty strong sometimes and I feel like it is almost impossible to control. I had a lot of “rational”” thoughts going on. First, I can’t do that, i promised to myself i wouldn’t. Second, It is not that bad if I only buy a beer. Third, I will still be in my commitment if I drink a single beer, the problem is not that i drink beers once in awhile, the problem is that usually i can’t stop when I drink. Forth, I will buy one and this time I will be able to control myself and not buy one.

I hope this time I will really be able to control myself. You see at the moment, there is nothing that stops me to pour my beer in the sink and be proud of myself. But my mind doesn’t want to. The part that wants to get the buzz is stronger than the one that wants me to succeed. The problem is that I still believe that both can coexists, even when I had the proof a fucking thousand time in the past. And this little part of me that still believes that I am able to

Maybe I am too dramatic. Maybe if I would think that i can successfully drink a fucking beer without becoming a fucking hooligan it would be perfect. Maybe the part of me that wants me to believe I am doomed every time i take a single sip is not right. Maybe I made that my reality. A self fulfilling prophecy.

Anyways, I will just try to drink that one and not drink any other ones.

It is now 2 am and I succesfully did not drink more than the beer. I am really proud of myself.

What to work on tomorrow:

• Lots of time on both music and shop online
• Work on things as soon as I wake up
• Do my evening ritual 

Edited April 2, 2017 by Pursue

[Pursue]

Day 14

 

Wake up at:10 am

Weight 223.4

Feeling: Rested, Calm, Complete, content

 

What I will do today

• Go to the music store and buy things to fix my guitar
• Practice guitar
• Work on my online shop
• Reading
• Create my vision
• Will do a recap of my self esteem exercise
• I will make this day the most productive day so far

 

A full day free

 

I feel so good right now that I have a full day free. I have nothing planned with others and it give me a great vibe. It means that today i can essentially work on myself exclusively. I have to keep in mind that this is a perfect practice to kill resistance every time it comes. I will try to make this day the most productive one I have done since the beginning of the commitment. I think I will then have a really good idea of what a good productive day looks like.

 

--------------------------------------------------------

What went great today

• I worked so damn hard
• I admitted to my friends (That follow my commitment) that i had drink a beer yesterday
• I did at least 3 hours of music
• I worked a lot on my shop online
• I ate properly
• Fixed my guitar (Already one goal down for the month)
• Did my routine at the end of the day

Do nothing Meditation

That was a really curious experience. It is the first time i am doing this type of meditation and it was a harsh time, full of anxiety and stress for 15 minutes. Literally I had to fight my impulse to stop the whole first 15 minutes, i was thinking about nothing else than what time it was, and when it was going to stop. I just wanted to look at the time but I did not. The whole time I kept my back straight and i was looking at the wall in front  of me. But! After 15 minutes I suddenly became calm and peaceful for a minute. The change was so instant that i said :”Woo”. I was not stressed anymore, not anxious. There were shape in my view and my mind was only concentrating on them. Then, after this minute, my mind slowly came back to my stressed mind until my watch rung off.

This sensation was really cool I felt much more peaceful than what I used to feel and It is a feeling to remember next time I meditation when it is hard. I should remember that this feeling right at the corner and i just have to trust it.

 

Side business

 

Working on my side business was really interesting today. I enjoyed a lot learning about Photoshop and I think i did a pretty decent job for my store. I have some friends that supports me going through this.

Writing

I found that I do not have as much patience to write down all my thought as i previously did in the past. I think it is less important than i use to think so. A little summary is sufficient.

 

Things to work on tomorrow:

Getting fired up at work and make some sales

Get up at 6 and do all my ritual

Create my vision that i did not do today.

Find the things i need to improve from the self  esteem method.

[Yugender]

Good luck brother.

[Pursue]

Hey thanks man,

I Really appreciate the support.

[Pursue]

Starting over again

 

Yes, yes, yes. Fuck. I start again.

Why? Because for two days after my birthday I did not follow my commitment. I ordered food because i did not plan ahead and I procrastinated a little bit. In my rules, it is way enough to start all over again.

Although really good things happened to me in the last couple of days I do not feel really fulfilled, just of the fact that I slipt from my commitment. Per example, on the 5th of April  I landed 18 sales, this is a groundbreaking record for me, I never had that much sales in a week and I had 18 in a single day. Also, the same day, I met an interesting woman, had sex with her and spent the night at her place.

That is pretty good from an external point of view but my focus is not on that at the moment. My focus is on self control and on following my commitment, this is what is the most important to me right now. So even if I had really good things going on for me I was not able to appreciate them 100 percent because I have slipt from my commitment.

 

100 percent commitment

In the last tries, I had a lot of excuses on how i could . A little diet pepsi here, a little 10 minutes of procrastination here, a day without visualization. This time, I need to go 100 percent commitment. This means, No slipping of my commitment not even once. By doing this, my mind will not debate if this is going too much over my commitment to start over or if it is still acceptable. No deviation will be acceptable. Too hard? No. Obsessive? Yes. I think i can be unbalanced for 180 months for the better good.

So let’s start at noon today the 7th of April 2017. 180 days again. At 100 percent commitment. It will be hard, but I have to remember all the gooooood feeling I had from the last tries when i was at a peak. I have to remember that.