I like men

[trenton]

Um, this is a lot. I know I seem like somebody who deeply traumatized because I am. Trust me, I am doing everything in my power to be good and I will see psychiatrist in about two weeks. At least my mother's side of the family is tolerant of homosexuality.

So here's the thing. Ever since a traumatic incident that happened when I was six, I had a very closed attitude toward sex. I viewed sex as something of lower purpose, but I struggled to find a higher purpose all my life. I have been hyper vigilant to the point that I have suicidal thoughts when I do much as try to approach a woman. I'm too self conscious and it makes me lose sleep at night.

I can't stand the fact that I am attracted to women's bodies. I hate myself for being reminded of how they seem like sexual objects. I like boobs, but it simultaneously repulses me. I can't stand my own character being like a pig. I want to have an emotional connection with another human being, but it is too psychologically taxing to pursue sex from women. It makes me hate myself. Maybe it will change when I continue therapy. I have a hard time loving myself.

I can't stand seeing women as sexual objects. I want to connect with a human being. Women that look kind of like men might be easier, so it's not a lost cause. Got any tips for attraction to women who look kind of like men?

I have questions about same sex relationships. One of questions is how to have safe sex? How do I have safe anal sex? How do I have safe oral sex? How else can I have sex with other men? Most importantly, how does the psychology of gay and bisexual men work? I feel like it's so much easier to take a relationship with a man seriously. Does Leo have any tips on how to get laid for LGBTQ? I might be able to stomach watching his series on how to get Laid, but it's all just so painful.

I keep wanting to change, but the best I can do is accept myself.

[Schizophonia]

Are you anxious/obsessive?

[trenton]

@Schizophonia Yes, I'm working on it. I work on it all the time everyday.

[Schizophonia]

19 minutes ago, trenton said:

@Schizophonia Yes, I'm working on it. I work on it all the time everyday.

I see.
Are you close to your mother? you have a sister?

[trenton]

@Schizophonia I don't live with mom anymore. I have two sisters. One sister lives with me and my grandma and the other lives with mom.

[Schizophonia]

4 hours ago, trenton said:

@Schizophonia I don't live with mom anymore. I have two sisters. One sister lives with me and my grandma and the other lives with mom.

I can't make an uncertain psychoanalytical diatribe, all I can tell you is that you deprive yourself of desiring what you love and vice versa.
Perhaps the trauma unconsciously causes you to believe that you have the world on your shoulders and feel unworthy to desire, and generally to indulge in a lustful and potentially "self-destructive" endeavor.
I spoke of the mother because I suppose that comes, or of you even I do not know.

It may sound pretty harsh, but maybe you would gain a lot by trying to understand that your mom is responsible for being submissive to your father and that in general the victims are responsible for their chronic abuse (including you).
Also accept that your opposition to your father as a "phalic figure" is an illusion and that your enterprise is also fundamentally libidinal in nature.
In other words, it's not you who are a kind of asexual ideal being against your libidinal nature father, you are also a libidinal nature which includes a form of kindness that does not like your father's behavior.
There is no hypocrisy or inconsistency in wanting to fuck a girl by pulling her hair and being nice on the side, life is a total walking paradox and any belief to the contrary is delusional.

I don't know if what I wrote is coherent, true or false, complete or incomplete, or even if it's going to be of any use.
Just my two cents to break up my free time. lol

Edited June 30, 2023 by Schizophonia

[TheCloud]

You might be overemphasizing the necessity of dating and sex.  You are complete.  You don't need some physical connection with another body to be whole.  Sure, sex can be great and fulfilling and memorable.  So can seeing the Grand Canyon.  So can an LSD trip.  So can achieving a goal.  So can making a friend.

 

Sex can also be a quagmire.  Don't start a history of toxic relationships with broken people, or incel desperation.  Heal yourself.  Society judges sex (and reproduction) to be so much more important than it is, and in doing so the true values of sex are greatly undermined.  All this judgement has done is creating generations of "incomplete" people who somehow haven't been having enough sex, or the right sex, or sex with the right people, or enough sex that makes babies.  It's ridiculous, and you'd do well to be rid of it, because it's just one more obstacle to you being "enough".

 

Of course, having read about some of your history in a different thread, I can understand how you desperately want to move on with your life in a positive direction after having had your way forward being impeded and misdirected for so much time.  Naturally, you want to have sex right away, early and often.  First lesson;  everything worthwhile takes more time than you want to give it.  If you have a lot of fat and want to lose weight, it can take months of rarely having a satisfying meal.  If you want to start a business, it can mean years of living near poverty and/or working sweatshop hours.

 

So it goes for any worthwhile endeavor.  That includes healing yourself, or finding sexual contentment.  It's a long-term commitment, and until you've done it, there are going to be a lot of hindrances.  Just as a person with a lot of fat won't be lighter until that fat is gone, just as a person starting a business won't be wealthy until their business wins customers, a person who's healing their mind won't have a harmonious spirit until they've made themselves right.  The results come after the effort.  You have to be stubborn as hell and keep at it.

 

It maybe isn't what you want to hear, that a satisfying sexual encounter may be months or years in the future.  Or, it might not be.  It's possible that if you can see with clear eyes, that you'll have a fateful encounter sooner or later, long before you've healed on the whole.  It's not as if life stops when you're unwell.  But opportunity isn't something that can be recognized through a haze of self-recrimination.  You need some kind of clarity.

[puporing]

On 30/06/2023 at 3:24 AM, trenton said:

Women that look kind of like men might be easier

LOL you don't wanna know, might be too freaky .

Though it's exceedingly rare for any man that can appreciate the masculine side of a woman, it takes someone who not only can mirror it to some extent, but also extremely secure in their own masculinity, (and femininity ).

Edited July 2, 2023 by puporing

[Schizophonia]

4 hours ago, puporing said:

LOL you don't wanna know, might be too freaky .

Though it's exceedingly rare for any man that can appreciate the masculine side of a woman, it takes someone who not only can mirror it to some extent, but also extremely secure in their own masculinity, (and femininity ).

No way

[MarkKol]

I like WO-Men, sometimes cute, sometimes bitchy. They're great.

Maybe try muscular gym girls if you like to be thrown around like a towel.

[puporing]

@trenton I feel like the main problem for "LGBTQ types" is finding each other. I might be missing something but this is the main challenge. Most people will almost always try to fix you/box you in to their preferred version of you, and that doesn't usually work in the long run, not even that fun in the short run if you strongly do not identify with heterosexual normatives, there are exceptions (if they're just more tolerant and open minded), but those are kinda rare in my experience. So you gotta go to places that might have more "weirdos", dress/carry yourself in a way that represent you, maybe move to a place that has a higher concentration of them. 

Edited July 3, 2023 by puporing

[integral]

On 6/30/2023 at 5:24 AM, trenton said:

I can't stand the fact that I am attracted to women's bodies. I hate myself for being reminded of how they seem like sexual objects.

Do you hate that you can see, smell, taste and touch? Do you hate the sight of a sun set? Do you hate every positive feeling you've ever experienced in life?

All these things are things you where designed and born to experience.

A woman's body is beautiful. Experience it fully.

Edited July 3, 2023 by integral

[trenton]

My issues seem too deep for the forum to understand. I thank you for trying to encourage me though. I will try to make a brief summary.

I recently got out of the hospital after a psychotic breakdown. It was caused by withdrawal from anti depressants combined with childhood trauma that came up with my therapist. I had been struggling with suicidal thoughts, meaninglessness, and various other issues for over a decade.

Not only was I traumatized by doing something sexual with my sister when I was six, but I also struggle with the psychological effects fatherlessness. I never had a decent father figure in my life, therefore nobody ever taught me how to be a man. I simultaneously don't want to be man. I associate it with being a shallow pig who is supposed to be attracted to boobs rather than a person's character. I can't stand being sexually attracted to women. 

The rest of my family does not understand what I'm going through. I have not trusted my thoughts and impulses for a very long time. It makes me hate myself when playfulness and spontaneity is punished by the myth of morality.

I am trying desperately to open myself up. It is just very taxing to do so. I doubt that a relationship with another human being will even make me happy. My relationships feel hollow and depressing anyway. I don't feel love when people try to love me. I struggle to love myself and I have been wrestling with this my entire life.

I hate being the person I am because life is fucking unfair. The whole thing is unfair and it makes me want to die. It would suck to go back to the hospital again. I found the group therapy very effective, and it is hard to make it two weeks to see the psychiatrist finally. It feels like an eternity.

I have been trying to heal for my entire life, but nothing is good enough. I'm doing my best but it's never fucking enough. There never was guidance in my life. I was forced to guide myself all along.

[integral]

@trenton Less then you realize is actually in your head. Do you exercise 2 hours a day consistently? Do you go to bed at 9pm and sleep a solid 8 hours with good sleep hygiene? Do you eat big healthy meals within a restricted window of 10am-4pm? Are you pursuing things you enjoy like rock climbing, business ideas... fun activities?

Are you doing anything besides dwell on your problems? 

Edited July 4, 2023 by integral

[trenton]

8 hours ago, integral said:

@trenton Less then you realize is actually in your head. Do you exercise 2 hours a day consistently? Do you go to bed at 9pm and sleep a solid 8 hours with good sleep hygiene? Do you eat big healthy meals within a restricted window of 10am-4pm? Are you pursuing things you enjoy like rock climbing, business ideas... fun activities?

Are you doing anything besides dwell on your problems? 

Yes. I have found many paths forward in my life. I am getting better at chess and I am trying to be more open with my family. They barely know who I am. I am also playing chess. My sleep is fine. I get plenty of exercise. My diet is improving but could be better.

My entire life I have been struggling with this deep suffering. If I want it to mean anything then I can make my purpose to ensure others don't suffer the same way as me.