My Psychotic Breakdown

[trenton]

I just had an epiphany that ties everything together very well.

I understood for many years that objective morality requires an absolute truth. I saw all moral codes as imaginary constructions. If the truth is that all of morality is imaginary, then what is that which allows for the creation of all relative good and evil? I considered absolute goodness as something more fundamental than any imaginary good or evil.

I returned to a similar contemplation on the nature of love. I came to realize that love for love's sake is limited because it comes at the cost of disowning hatred. If love were truly complete than it could not disown hatred. Absolute love would have to recognize the relativity of all dualities including love and hate. I have been equating love and goodness for quite some time now.

I have been struggling with truth for a very long time now. I have been wrestling with my mind for years. I have been fighting with so many of my thoughts trying to understand what was happening to me. Anyway, if there were an absolute truth, then it would require the higher consciousness with which to recognize that true and false are imaginary constructions. It feels a little weird to think of absolute truth as that which allows for the creation of all relative truth and falsehood. What I am looking for is the source of all creation. What Truth, Love, and Goodness all have in common is that they can only be recognized through higher consciousness. If the pattern continues, then all dualities should collapse just like Truth, Love, and Goodness. These three things are ultimately the same thing. My mind still struggles with Truth though.

I always wanted to be good as a child. It is a long story, but my family was a terrible example given their criminal behavior. My grandpa got down on his knee when I was young. He put his hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye as he told me that he wanted me to be good. I never realized how much my grandpa loved me until his funeral. I collapsed at the funeral because I was an ignorant child who never had the chance to realize how much I loved him. He was the closest thing to a father figure I ever had in my life. It all felt so unfair. I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for over a decade, and I didn't know why. I have been trying to make my suffering stop, but I couldn't do it.

I am now coming to recognize that if I truly want to be good, then this can only be done through higher consciousness. If I truly value truth, then this can only be done through higher consciousness. If I truly value love, then this can only be done through higher consciousness. I wasn't conscious of my reasons for following Actualized.org after all these years. It took a psychotic breakdown in which I completely lost my mind. I turned myself into the police for fear that I would harm myself or someone else. The psychotic episode was caused by a combination of withdrawal from powerful anti-depressants and a lot of childhood trauma that I was discussing with my therapist.

A lot happened to me during this episode. I realized that all of my suffering in life had a purpose. The deep wisdom of suffering is that it teaches us to love. I would never wish my suffering on another human being. During the episode I felt as if God had chosen me for a special mission all along because God loves me. I also felt that God was completely unfair and it makes it hard for me to love as God would. It was like heaven and hell simultaneously.

I went on to meet the victims of life in the hospital. They felt that God had put us here for a reason. They were all the victims of unfair circumstances. There were several victims of rape with PTSD, one of which was homicidal toward her brother because he got out of prison after four years. There was a man who felt excessive guilt over the death of his father. We related to each other on many different levels. My deep suffering helped me to learn compassion for other people who suffer very deeply. I comforted the other people who stayed in nearby rooms as they recovered from serious trauma. These people did not deserve to suffer.

Although these were not psychedelics, they led to a lot of powerful insights. This was a life transforming experience that gave me a tremendous opportunity for growth. I have a feeling that I am discovering my true purpose in life. It has something to do with pure understanding. I was infatuated with chess because I saw the beauty of logic and pure understanding. I was interested in politics because I saw the beauty of being the best person I could be through open-mindedness as I strive to be as objective as possible. This requires setting aside my biases as I pursue pure understanding and a commitment to truth. Perhaps there is another possible path for my life purpose, and it seems to be the one God has set out for me.

[trenton]

I had another important insight. I value being good, but for the wrong reason. I value being good at least partially for fear of guilt. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. I will continue to observe what happens to me.

[Inliytened1]

@trenton these are all great insights, but ultimately to awaken you must realize that the self is an illusion.   Right now you are still stuck in ego.   Do self inquiry.   Deconstruct the ego.  Get in touch with actuality.  That is where Truth lies.  

Edited June 30, 2023 by Inliytened1

[trenton]

@Inliytened1 I'm on it. I do the actuality exercise as well.

There were a bunch of different perspectives from which the ego is an illusion that I'm aware of. I've been struggling to get these spiritual teachings to actually change my psyche.

My collapse is not done yet. I am currently working on a paper to discuss a ton of serious childhood trauma that my family is unaware of. I have a chronic self hatred because I have been holding onto excessive guilt to the point of suicidal thoughts for about 20 years. I'm starting to get hyper active and spontaneous along with a bunch of intense emotions. We plan on seeing a psychiatrist in two weeks.

No wonder I suck at spirituality. I'm still doing my best as always. We will see how much I love myself one month from now. I feel optimistic and hopeful and simultaneously deeply hurt because this kind of stuff can take a life time to heal. I've been struggling to love myself for my entire life and I have turned to so many different things with only partial success. It is starting to blow up like it did at my mom's birthday today. She still loves me though.

The problem is that I act as if I need to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of others. I'm trying to do something radically different from what I have been doing my whole life.

[Inliytened1]

7 minutes ago, trenton said:

@Inliytened1 I'm on it. I do the actuality exercise as well.

There were a bunch of different perspectives from which the ego is an illusion that I'm aware of. I've been struggling to get these spiritual teachings to actually change my psyche.

My collapse is not done yet. I am currently working on a paper to discuss a ton of serious childhood trauma that my family is unaware of. I have a chronic self hatred because I have been holding onto excessive guilt to the point of suicidal thoughts for about 20 years. I'm starting to get hyper active and spontaneous along with a bunch of intense emotions. We plan on seeing a psychiatrist in two weeks.

No wonder I suck at spirituality. I'm still doing my best as always. We will see how much I love myself one month from now. I feel optimistic and hopeful and simultaneously deeply hurt because this kind of stuff can take a life time to heal. I've been struggling to love myself for my entire life and I have turned to so many different things with only partial success. It is starting to blow up like it did at my mom's birthday today. She still loves me though.

The problem is that I act as if I need to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of others. I'm trying to do something radically different from what I have been doing my whole life.

You're not ready for spirituality yet - from what I am reading.  And that's fine.  Right now you just need self healing and self improvement.   Learn to love yourself, because you are worthy of that love, brother.  Spirituality will happen later- because it is death.  There is much of the ego that still needs to live in your life first- before that can happen.

Edited June 30, 2023 by Inliytened1

[trenton]

@Inliytened1 I agree. My ego is too wounded by the unfairness of life to be ready for spirituality. I was just so desperate to make the suffering stop somehow that I was willing to try anything. I am doing a lot of basic self help now. Maybe I will never awaken, but that's okay. At the very least I have a decent intellectual understanding of spirituality and various insights that changed my relationship with life for the better. I'm not ready to discover that I am God because I am just now rediscovering that I am human. Spirituality can make it worse if it turns into an escape for those trying to relieve intense suffering that they have struggled with their entire lives.