My Journey Through Life -2

[Amit]

It has been a lot of time now, since I have discontinued from this forum. Leo's teaching has influenced me a lot in every phase of my life since I have started following him first time around 2015. After more than a year just watching his different videos which had the knowledge and deep understanding of about almost everything.. I have started being a part of this forum. Whenever I had time, I used to very curiously read the new posts in almost all sections of the forum and read the answers Leo gives or any other person. 

Being an introvert initially, I was not good at expressing myself and it was more about following the content and listening to different voices. At one point of time, it felt like I was following him too much that I was saying the same words that Leo says in his videos.. And It was just too much so gradually I found other great masters to listen to, and that also gave me a new perspective of Leo's work, Now I could see deeper layer of his work.

I started writing my journal of this forum and made a lot of posts there, I was trying to express intense emotions I felt while on meditations. One day I found a person who felt like my own part in a feminine body and It has never been boring with her since then. After she came to my life, everything has been completely transformed.. Who I was then and who I am now is complete different, She has grown me not just spiritually but also helped me push through scores of barriers in my emotional and material growth. 

I really thought this forum to be not useful for me anymore, so I discontinues. I also had to learn through experience about my orange and green phase of spiral dynamics. At that time I strongly associated myself with orange values and since most people on this forum seems like green stage, got into conflicts with me just for the ideology and ego. I also had a lot of ego.

I had a little spur of enlightenment before her, but now I constantly live in an enlightened flow experience. I constantly get out of these experiences, yet again find it soon, It's like i know that place of nothingness, where I can rest in calm of solitude, or sometimes even remain alert in the crowded noises.

Everything feels so new and a lucid sense of experience starts to touch you, where you feel completely accomplished, and there is complete bliss. But even after seated in such an experience, My mind still returns to its castle and still sometimes can demand like a child, my mind certainly has not been a very disciplined one. Sooner or later it starts to feel pain for desiring one thing or another, things that it has experienced and which were more addictive to any drugs. When you are experiencing bliss at all times, when you pursue a new pleasure, it also mixes in this bliss, making this intensely more pleasing and addictive. that's why it become harder and harder for an enlightened person to push their boundaries. Everything starts giving a new experience, body has a different kind of energy and mind has already found its most natural state of bliss.

 

 

[Amit]

Why am I writing this journal at all?

Do I want to attract some attention?
Since this is the only such kind of forum, I know and are familiar with. I want my most intimate feelings to be hidden from people around me, because I know they do not have any chance to understand. Societal conditioning is so lethal to a human mind, it leaves them crippled.. they become completely unable to understand something which is from a different paradigm. They think that there paradigm is only true paradigm, they might not think it consciously but all their beliefs hinges on it. And when a new or different paradigm is introduced, they lose their mind because they have believed untruth their whole life and now it hurts them. So there is no point to teach to others, or tell it to someone who doesn't truly want it.

On this forum on other hand people want to understand each other and themselves, and mostly people that remains seems more sincere. The attention of this community can definitely make my conversations with myself more interesting and at least can serve as a feedback mechanism from a more conscious circle than I would usually get. 

When I write in solitude, it still works, I can still express but there is a important difference of audience. writing to only oneself is being in your shell, it does not challenge you as much, although it can.. but for me it doesn't, when you get some feedback on your post, it works like a positive stimulus, and constantly keeps you alert, and this is exactly I want. anyway there are always some influences, as I am not living in a cave alone.. It's good to have an influence of this forum, because it have been authentic, sincere and awesome for me most of the times. 

[Amit]

Immense suffering that I feel 

What does it say to me 

It points me to a direction 

It punishes me for kind of thoughts I have 

And still I want to have such thoughts

Definitely it’s a lack of self love 

But heart feels it and mind can’t stop it 

It’s addictive, for both mind and heart

But heart suffers so you need to stop this 

You need to stop your mind 

To go somewhere where it will only get suffering 

And that’s almost everywhere 

Because Mind carries it’s subject everywhere 

Nothing will help only 

A genuine give up and let go of the subject

However dear it is to your mind 

Let her go 

And inner peace follows

[Amit]

Something has to go away from your life 

To new beginnings to start 

A tree has its time 

When it becomes a poison tree

Whose thorns have hurt you already 

Destroy its root from your earth completely 

Then there will be new possibilities 

A new beginning

Fear not of having wasted time 

To having been expected sweet fruits 

Because this wisdom is hard to come by 

Just completely remove this tree 

And let the ground be ready for

A new sapling, a new beginning 

A new faith, a new love 

Time to create a new universe 

And destroy the old one 

[Amit]

What makes sex such a taboo

What’s wrong about sex

how much time will humans take 

to understand and openly discuss their sexuality

I don’t think it can happen soon

it will take thousand of years to reach to this point 

human ego keeps us so ignorant 

it doesn’t let us talk about such an important topic

this kind of topic is feared because of what it triggers 

it triggers jealousy, fear and literally a psychosis response 

and human doesn’t understand this enough to have a healthy conversation about

a thing that you can not talk about will always haunt you down the road

no matter how deep your meditation ever was

[Amit]

@Sidra khan  thanks

[Amit]

There is this question which always bothers me, I seem to like women more than a normal person would do, definitely scarcity principle is on work, but apart from them I also end up overthinking.

The spiritual states of higher consciousness makes it even more painful. Seems like my heart is trying to speak to me through suffering, suffering is definitely the greatest teacher. I really have to go through this for what I want. 

if it was easy to come by, then there will be millions in the line. There are so few people here and that tells a lot about how difficult this path is.

people come here, the vent and then they provide some opinions on some current affair. Some people are looking for even dates, all of them are here to get either this or that. why am I here?

am I here to find a sex chatter ?

Maybe that’s what I needed so badly when I used to be here previously but after so many years of gap from the forum. I truly am not looking for sex or anything else. It’s more about the exploration deep within. 
 
When you are on a forum, it’s almost always because you want to share with a community, it might or might not be seeking for advice, but it definitely is about sharing experiences. 
 

also I am looking for some attention as well, I have been in pain for a lot of time and writing is a great tool for me to talk to myself and explore it from within. 
 

so Am I looking for a woman?

no, but definitely she will help me in my inner journey. 
 

am I looking for attention?

yes, I want people to know about my experiences and connect with me in a genuine way. So that I see myself in their reflection, it’s not necessary but definitely something I would appreciate.

[Amit]

When you invest too much emotionally into someone else, you suffer when that person is gone from your life.

because you expect them to be like how they were with you,

but truly they were with me in that way when they didn’t know all my ugly parts and they could only see what they wanted to see,

The truth is they didn’t ever love me 

they loved their idea of me,

and as soon as their idea of me got destroyed

their love evaporated 

a new path is not always inferior

giving myself some time is the whole trick is all about 

now I don’t have restrictions on myself that I already had 

it’s good to come out from such a bond.

[Amit]

It’s amazing to be alone again

all the weights being taken away

you literally feel like flying 

you can choose anything 

life at crossroads again 

even your conscience is clear

you won this time 

you made a new and healthy pattern 

you loved yourself 

there is no hurt at all

proud that you remain determined 

Even in the midst of powerful cyclones

everything was a learning 

and life gave me a new road 

to drive onto

[Amit]

You are your only true person 

the Shakti that you chase outside 

is within to chase 

All attachments eventually turn into sorrows 

A marriage is not a choice of a free man 

making children is not contingent of her being your lover 

twin flames, soul mates are just hoax 

the words without any meaning, any truth

who seem happy right now 

will be very sad 

it’s just looks and pretentions 

 

[Amit]

Writing to think, can a reader steal your thoughts, your writings?

certainly they can but it will be shared, they can take advantage of a new idea, but most probably they won’t be interested.

people are so much lost in their own heads, in their own worlds that it doesn’t matter for them. They don’t care what you write unless you establish that what you write is valuable to them.

and then they will come like flies in a crowd, it’s so freeing to realise how exponentially your followers grow when you cross the threshold of what is called valuable.

getting popular is a remedy to failure, to fail in your mission of what you truly want to say, what you want to say most probably not going to be valuable for the masses and hence low probability of being popular.

so the goal is to not be popular, goal is to attract the type of audience you want, quality audience, who you would love to talk, and only those few matter.

[Amit]

A calmness floats in my heart, freedom replaces all the anxieties and extra thinking, it is all absolute love which doesn’t care to think.

she will still be my love, but I will not be waiting, I know it’s more about getting that emotional support and love and my mom has plenty of it in the stocks for me. 
 

also I myself can generate this sort of love for my own self, there is absolutely no need for someone who doesn’t want me anymore.

I am surprised why jealousy and enmity not even crossing my mind, no such emotions at all, just a bit of hurt to be lied to. 

[Amit]

Normally, I will be sad on a news like this from her, But today seems like special blessings of divine mother on me. Because of divine mother’s inspiration I told her my feelings and I actually thought of it as a test to her. I would actually never do such a test but it was divine blessings, mother doesn’t want me to suffer when she has a presence in my life. I would never even know and keep suffering because she thought she can handle it that way, but mother exposed it from her.

Divine mother doesn’t want her in my life because she is not good for me and I am completely sure about it now. 
 

thank you mother ? 

[Amit]

With mother’s blessing all my wound seems to disappear, it’s just a calm peace in my heart. 
sometimes few thoughts perturb the mind but all of them are moving to the direction I want them to be, not in the direction of the older patterns of anxiousness, something very strange has happened, something outside of logical domain, seems like blessing of mother.

O mother, I always asked you to give me evidences and you have thrown one at me every single time I asked. I just want to devote myself completely in your feet, for dharm raksha. 
O mother, you will never abandon me, I know O healer of my heart, I know O greatest therapist of my mind, take me deeper into my own subconscious and let me love this amazing creation of astral and subtle bodies. 
 
O mother, put me to your use, I don’t want anything else, just to be your devoted child. 
 

[Amit]

THE TRUELOVE
by David Whyte

There is a faith in loving fiercely
the one who is rightfully yours,
especially if you have
waited years and especially
if part of you never believed
you could deserve this
loved and beckoning hand
held out to you this way.

I am thinking of faith now
and the testaments of loneliness
and what we feel we are
worthy of in this world.

Years ago in the Hebrides,
I remember an old man
who walked every morning
on the grey stones
to the shore of baying seals,
who would press his hat
to his chest in the blustering
salt wind and say his prayer
to the turbulent Jesus
hidden in the water,

and I think of the story
of the storm and everyone
waking and seeing
the distant
yet familiar figure
far across the water
calling to them

and how we are all
preparing for that
abrupt waking,
and that calling,
and that moment
we have to say yes,
except it will
not come so grandly
so Biblically
but more subtly
and intimately in the face
of the one you know
you have to love

so that when
we finally step out of the boat
toward them, we find
everything holds
us, and everything confirms
our courage, and if you wanted
to drown you could,
but you don’t
because finally
after all this struggle
and all these years
you simply don’t want to
any more
you’ve simply had enough
of drowning
and you want to live and you
want to love and you will
walk across any territory
and any darkness
however fluid and however
dangerous to take the
one hand you know
belongs in yours.

[Amit]

This is such a synchronicity, that I came across above poem just out of the blue. No, I was not searching for any poem, I was just doing this course, which took me to this link and there I found it, how strange. At this time, when I have decided to let go completely, I read such a poem.

However untimely, this poem quite beautifully expresses the passion I held so strongly. The one hand you know that belongs in yours, Or I thought that it belonged to me, but that hand now has been withdrawn from me, and the finding that it never belonged in mine, just give me some more pain, but this pain is what I wanted to know that hand never was mine.

[Amit]

All the mind wiped clean 
Watching clouds fly and weather getting serene
Words will flow as poem if you are keen 
This is a place where you have never been
 

A place of no dream

reality as it is, without any powder cream

nothing to abandon and nothing to redeem 

I am not alone, I am the whole team

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

@Amit I'm having a lot of anger inside me because similar things have happened to me. 

[Amit]

@Enlightement  what has happened bro?

[Amit]

First why did you lie,

Then why did you cry,

Was I ever dry,

Or did I die,

Then why did you die,

Why did you not try 

Why did you not try…