My Journey Through Life -2

[Amit]

You have the most beautiful heart

your love is unconditional

my sweetheart, there is no one in front of you

if you didn’t want it 

it wouldn’t have happened 

I know you will be back soon to me 

but my dearest sometimes I just miss you too much 

I want you to have peace 

and understand that 

I will always be in your debt

i will always love you from the depths of my heart

you are a true treasure 

No poems can contain you

yes you are infinite 

❤️❤️❤️?

[Amit]

Yes the mind wants to compare and contrast

It’s the nature of the mind

who knows it better than you my wisdom 

When you close yourself 

you pull all of yourself into yourself 

you don’t want any input 

but please listen my heart 

I will be speaking in your heart

in your mind constantly 

everything is communicated there to you

directly 

this text is what it looks like 

but you know it and feel it 

it won’t leave you darling 

I know your truth 

and it’s absolutely lovable

my cutest smile in the whole world ❤️

[Buck Edwards]

Such beautiful poetry. Lots of love brother. 

 

[Amit]

The only thing that has been constant with my relationship is constant ups and down.

When I started talking to her, I was a very insecure and needy kind of man, And her love was intense. 

She kind of healed me with her constant appreciation. 

Initially I was not sure about her, our situation was such, I had to leave everyone to live with her. 

It was not a personal decision, I had to talk to people to make sure that they approve it, because I was definitely attached here.

But her surrender was unconditional, and that made me 100% sure that my life is going to be with her, no matter what.

So when someone doesn't approve of it, I really did not care, because the decision was already made.

 

But I was also afraid, My personality is more of a laid back person and I hate taking advice from others.

Although very authentic, I was definitely not a very kind person.

Now she knew I was hers, she won me, 

Due to me not minding the words I used, I hurt her, it hurt me as well that I hurt her. 

And she couldn't listen, she closed herself completely I remember. 

And I never wanted her to do that, so I chased her

and that made her run away from me even faster 

I was tired, I was crying with myself in this pain 

I got attached to her in a very toxic way

 

The other side of my family was trying to pull me back in

asking me to let her go

I waited and I waited

And a thought came to my mind

maybe it's because she already has not moved on from her previous partner 

maybe that is the reason 

maybe I am just making it too romantic in my mind 

maybe she is just playing with me 

and this thought has teared my heart 

My ego wanted to forget her and look for someone else 

I went to internet 

found someone who looked interested a bit 

and did some hi hello to her

but this person felt so distant

this person was so far from any kind of self awareness even 

 

Oh man, I miss her always 

and she came back in time 

since I am authentic, I don't really know how to lie

a seed of mistrust and doubt has been put in her mind

Now even though sometimes it was great with her

she felt very painful sometimes and keep recalling it

even though Nothing has truly happened 

she never trusted me again completely 

 

My next job, A really toxic culture of workoholics

I lost myself in it

Everything got better again  for some time

she knowing that I am working hard to be with her

and she was about to visit me in a month

everything planned, everything ready 

 

she complained to me 

that I don't give enough time to her

that I was talking to someone else

 

It was not about her

It was a part of my personality 

Coming from my childhood 

That the people who have mistrusted me 

was whom I did everything against

and it killed me

I was constantly loyal to her 

I was pure in my heart and committed to not even let a thought cross my head of another woman 

And still being blamed constantly 

I was broken 

I was drinking 

I was smoking 

The stress has crossed a threshold and I said no to this job 

even though I got a raise but I could not take how they behaved with me 

Now It was my relationship that I wanted to spend my whole time on,

I wanted my woman to be happy...

 

And alas she sent her photo with another man to me

when I just gave up my job for her

I was shaking inside out

After a lot of days

and lot of support of my friends and brothers

My family, I could even see through 

I accepted this fact, It's her life 

and it was hard to begin with

there is so much scope of doubts and misunderstandings

when you are in long distance

 

But I still loved her

I can't imagine

anyone could ever love me like that

I still reminisce those memories of earlier times

We still used to talk 

she told me that she doesn't care 

if I find myself another woman 

that I killed her already so she doesn't feel anything 

when it comes to me

I was already cried of pain 

I was always trying to pull her back in 

but after a point I stopped it 

I was damaging myself 

Accepting everything as it is 

it has transformed me as a person 

 

I moved on focusing on my purpose of life

completely resetting everything 

but I still could not fathom her

why did I trust her so blindly 

I found there is a degree of narcissism in her

I accepted that we are not made for each other

she was too fearful and avoidant of her fears

there was no chance

she blocked me everywhere 

and said that we won't contact anymore

and I agreed 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Amit]

@Enlightement   thanks divine brother, Om Namah Shivaya 

 

[Buck Edwards]

@Amit thank you so much. You give me lot of support. Om Namah Shiva. I've been following Sadhguru and Shiva and since then I have been very calm. Sanatan Dharma. Jai Shree Mahakal. 

 

[Amit]

Meanwhile I added a girl who looked interested 

to distract myself from this pain 

as her needs are important 

mine are too

I got her call again

She kinda sounded confused
She wanted me to install an app to continue conversation with her

and I was fine, It's okay we consider each other just friends now, don't we 

she said yes, she told me that this guy loved her truly 

And If I was like him she would never leave me 

and I agreed

 

but since I didn't want to hide from her

I asked her 

will it matter if I talk to someone else 

and she said no.. she doesn't care 

I said Okay and 

I told her about the girl I added

And she reacted to it really badly 

she blocked me even on the new app

 

Now I felt like chasing her again

My inner child even though is healed but still runs on the same pattern 

But I truly want this intimacy that I had with her

I might never find it 

it doesn't matter 

if she was narcissist

it she had so many fears and avoiding inner work

All what matters is the knowing 

that I still keep loving her

But now it doesn't matter 

If I get to talk to her 

It's more of an astral communication

between two hearts 

which are so apart and so close 

She closed herself from me,

not knowing that she can't close herself from me, 

and neither I can do it. 

 

I will love her till eternity <3

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I've also discovered Nandi, the holy cow and Ling which means form

 

[Buck Edwards]

In August there will be Nag Panchami. 

[Amit]

@Enlightement   Jai Mahakaal, Om Kalikaya Namah.. HAR HAR MAHADEV <3

 

Brother, I am really happy that you are discovering my culture, I love it too. sadly, In my country the neuroticism of following west in every way has misdirected people away from it. But right now, People are returning to it, what might look like superstition to a logical eye, contains a lot of deep wisdom.

Shiva family is love, Shiva used to be worshipped as a lord of animals in a different tradition, Shiva has so many forms and countless manifestations, shiva is absolute consciousness... Om Namah Shivaya ¡™•§̐¡

Edited July 7, 2023 by Amit

[Amit]

More I focus on my petty problems, more these problems will grow. 

Instead I will focus on something greater than my petty ego, something that is truly valuable.

 

Now I am going to walk my own path, the path I always wanted to walk to, but I never understood why it was so important to begin with. I made wrong choices, went against what has been said by experts, but it was necessary. If I followed what is said by an expert, I will never know the why, the pain and suffering. I will depend on the experts, Now I see everything very clearly, why it was said.

 

Edited July 7, 2023 by Amit

[Buck Edwards]

3 hours ago, Amit said:

@Enlightement   Jai Mahakaal, Om Kalikaya Namah.. HAR HAR MAHADEV <3

 

Brother, I am really happy that you are discovering my culture, I love it too. sadly, In my country the neuroticism of following west in every way has misdirected people away from it. But right now, People are returning to it, what might look like superstition to a logical eye, contains a lot of deep wisdom.

Shiva family is love, Shiva used to be worshipped as a lord of animals in a different tradition, Shiva has so many forms and countless manifestations, shiva is absolute consciousness... Om Namah Shivaya ¡™•§̐¡

I can definitely see Shiva as nag 

[Amit]

6 minutes ago, Enlightement said:

I can definitely see Shiva as nag 

There is so much to go... this is not the work of a life time unless you were on this path for many births.. 
I have seen few things that can't be justified by reason, Attaining shiva is almost impossible, even Sadhguru is not there yet..
I will suggest you choose some other deity, who is attainable relatively quickly.. Shiva is going to destroy you completely.. be careful 

[Amit]

We were going down through lush green trail of mountains to a village in the valley, travelling around 5 kms, we took few break and just kept moving. There was absolutely no one and so we were doubting if we might have entered in a prohibited area. It was a forest, something was pulling us on that trail. We decided we will walk till 5 pm and then return back. 
In the end we saw a human and we asked him. He was a teacher in the only school of this village. He said since it’s a preserved forest area, roads can’t be built here and it makes it hard for villagers to get education. He told us about how far this trail goes, some history of it. And then he left, we finally reach village right in the valley, first before the entrance there was an ancient Devi temple, we took the blessings. Then we went through streets of this village, there we saw Mahadev temple at a juncture and then stayed on the other end of village for 15 minutes just sitting, enjoying the scenery of the valley.

Slowly it started raining when we started returning back, we were looking for a cover, after walking some distance, we saw few children, and on seeing us they started making fun of us  laughing at us in local language. When we stopped for a cover from rain, in the porch of a house, they came to us and started insisting for money. These cute sounding kids were tempting so I asked why they want it for, and they said they wanted to eat namkeen. They took us to an only shop in this remote and inaccessible village, where a very old dadiji were living and had a range of different sort of chips and namkeen, nothing else. We bought for kids and then we bought few for us and started returning. There was a dog from village who was accompanying us since we have entered in the village and it was still with us.

We needed to climb back to the top from this valley, to get our bikes back to our hotel room. Climbing on a steep slope was a bit harder then coming down but the whole way was so pretty and quiet, the weather was also serene and great scenes. We didn’t feel it was longer because of all this, then we drove down our bikes from the top of guru shikhar to mount Abu, 15 kms of total way. It was raining the whole way and it was really fun ride through natural beauty and lakes the whole way.

[Amit]

I have again feeling like crap, because I expected something. She came like a wind and moved away, I really am losing control of even myself, feeling literally helpless, no one to say anything about.

have I trapped myself into it?

yes I did, when it was a clear NO, I always saw a YES. She always knew this won’t work out. We both lied to each other, but I didn’t lie about anything big, but she did. She is a good player when it comes to men. 
 

why do I still involved with her?

she taught me love literally, I have promised myself to do anything to make this woman happy, so I am worried about her a lot of times and that makes me agitated.

If she treats me like a real man or even soulmate leave alone “divine masculine “, she will atleast not block me. At least we will be talking.

Now it seems like she is done with me, thus this chapter shall be closed.

[Amit]

Cheating is very bad in relationships, be it any kind of cheating. When you are already in a committed relationship, without confirming with the other person, when you choose to find someone on side and that’s how you can ruin trust. You will always have this insecurity of abandonment, because that’s what you are doing to other person, betraying the trust.

Instead of clearly communicating with your partner, you choose to hide it, and this creates a cycle of pain and suffering, both for you and for the other persons you are dating. 
 

Trust is the foundation of a relationship, and it is a factor of truthfulness and honesty, as soon you start lying and hiding, relationship is already destroyed. The only thing that can rebuild it is honesty and truthfulness, not giving into the fears of abandonment by loved one, courage is what it takes.

[Amit]

As someone who is cheating, you tend to be more egoic, more playing a victim, because you feel that sense of hurting others, and you have this fear that same can be done to you by others. A life of misery.

when you start living in truth, you don’t have to anymore pretend, you walk with your heart, you know you are a wonderful person and you are loved. You choose to live as a higher self.

[Amit]

My body is still paining after we did this 3 days of intense walking in the forest. Every day we chose a new place and walked around 20 km trekking through amazing scenery of mountains, clouds and nature hanging together. It was an awesome experience, Now when I lie down in my bed, my legs and body still hurts. 
 

Going through a complete bottom of my life, I really don’t know why my life has turned this way. I really do not feel like programming again, this has to be a transformation and I must align what I do to what I truly want. 
 

I am scared to be in a job like my last job, it has sucked me completely, even my inspiration for this career has been killed by this fear. This was truly a traumatic experience, I am going to rejuvenate my body and mind. 
 

Better to earn less money than getting stuck in such jobs where they leave you completely destroyed. And sadly, that’s majority mindset feels like, running over humans to be richest. 

[Amit]

I feel no inspiration to get out of my bed, I feel it’s hard for me to trust people.

 

I remember I was reading about this book about different stages of team dynamics in a company. Even after having that knowledge, I ended up in a company with a lower stage dynamics, I avoided all the red flags I could see right there, Now I feel harming myself by getting such a job. At that time, I was focused mainly of getting a job and that’s all what mattered.

 

Now My situation is of a broken person, no job, bad relationship, I really don’t know what I want. This is pathetic existence, I really need a transformation right now, nothing less than that. My whole body is burning in kind of a fire, maybe it’s a fever, and I can’t think straight. I don’t trust myself anymore, I have been hurt very deeply. I still don’t want to believe what has happened with me.

[Amit]

The only option seems to me is moving on, moving on to a more lonely sort of life. I think I might die but I still trust myself better. People are not trustworthy, everyone does for their own self interest, no one cares for others. All relationships are just illusions ultimately, It’s a hindrance to what one can become. 
only ego can be hurt, and let it die, I really don’t care, I beg for death. The emotions have been so overwhelming and mind is completely broken, the rubber has hit the road, and it has been destructive to what I thought reality was, It’s more painful than I could ever imagine and that’s why it hurts so much.