How many of you have no tolerance policy when it comes to cheating?

[Princess Arabia]

@Ajax I like your viewpoint on relationships. Seems very unattached and non clingy. You value your space so you value others'. I wouldnt entertain @LSD-Rumi's idea much on how it must be your fault why she cheated and you must be doing something wrong and how you need psychotherapy. There are a lot of misconceptions about women when it comes to relationships. Women can cheat even if they're presumably happy with their partners and vice versa, even tho I find men are more likely to cheat if the opportunity reveals itself. You value yourself and, I believe, cheating on you is a sign she doesn't value you, nor the relationship. There are many reasons why people cheat. Men and women. No one size fits all. Some will tolerate and some won't. I don't know why it is so widely believed that women in relationships are more emotional than men. In my experience, men are just as emotional, they just tend to hide it more. They express it differently. This is why they can become more aggressive and channel that energy towards abuse, neglect or reckless behaviour. 

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, Ajax said:

What? Why?

I don't want staying with a girl who cheats on me hurt my reputation.

Sorry I wrote the wrong word, I'm not an English speaker.

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 I have been studying deeply into Agreements. Very Deep subject by the way.  It is the core component of any relationship. From animate to inanimate/ material/immaterial. 

Why do you think the relationship is the same?

It's not because you cheated on your spouse, or the opposite, that the rest of the relationship will mechanically unfold differently.
I can cheat on my girlfriend and still interact with her in exactly the same way as if nothing had happened, she won't suspect a thing.

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I don't get it. If you value truth, you don't appreciate lies. If truth is one of your core values and the one you allow to be closest to you is creating lies, well not only is your relationship being based on your lies, but you are being separated from your core values. The way you choose to live your life. Why?

I didn't say that accepting to live in a lie was the ideal situation.
Incidentally, even if I like the truth there are contexts where the lie, the omerta, is at least punctually preferable.

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Weak? What do you mean by that? Could you explain.  

Like the idea of having a person assigned entirely to them? Please explain...  Where did you get that idea? Who told you that? Why?  How did you come up with that idea? 

It is curious and I would like to explore more. 

 

People want a faithful partner because it makes them feel absolutely necessary.

If the person you love lets himself be fucked by another, kiss him, hug him, squeal while letting himself be penetrated by any guy, then you become replaceable and you find yourself faced with this narcissistic rage of being insignificant.

I say it is an illusion because you are indeed insignificant and replaceable, you see.

Edited June 25, 2023 by Schizophonia

[Ajax]

1 hour ago, Schizophonia said:

I don't want staying with a girl who cheats on me hurt my reputation.

Sorry I wrote the wrong word, I'm not an English speaker.

It's not because you cheated on your spouse, or the opposite, that the rest of the relationship will mechanically unfold differently.
I can cheat on my girlfriend and still interact with her in exactly the same way as if nothing had happened, she won't suspect a thing.

I didn't say that accepting to live in a lie was the ideal situation.
Incidentally, even if I like the truth there are contexts where the lie, the omerta, is at least punctually preferable.

People want a faithful partner because it makes them feel absolutely necessary.

If the person you love lets himself be fucked by another, kiss him, hug him, squeal while letting himself be penetrated by any guy, then you become replaceable and you find yourself faced with this narcissistic rage of being insignificant.

I say it is an illusion because you are indeed insignificant and replaceable, you see.

 If I am insignificant and replaceable, and so is he… why would I want to commit to him? What is my role in such an arrangement? To what extent are my obligations to him? If he is feeling sad and blue because he lost his mom, but I am really hot for this new guy, why show I care about my boyfriend? My new guy is making me feel great and my boyfriend is kind of dragging me down. He is replaceable and insignificant, if he loves me, he will be happy I am following my joy and living my best self.

If I am replaceable and insignificant, why should I marry him? Why should I live with him? That is really going to cause pain and trouble. It is better that we have a good time together when it is convenient and avoid dealing with the trouble.

He is replaceable and insignificant to me. I could find a better guy at any time. I should keep my eye for an upgrade. He has so many problems, annoys me, this new guy is just so more interesting, he makes me laugh and every time I am with my boyfriend, he is always complaining about something and making me feel bad, about something. I am starting to fall in love with this new guy, he doesn’t make me feel away. I want to spend as much time with him as possible.

How do I know if I really need him, he will be there for me? How can I have a child with him? How much trust is in a relationship such as this? Where is the commitment you can trust this person implicitly? Can I trust such a person with my inner deeper secrets. How do I not know he is not talking behind my back, sharing my secrets? All of this stress, complication and uncertainty is bending my sanity. How can I give myself fully to my partner? My child? My profession/life purpose, my friends, My spirituality. How can I raise my child right if I can’t even get my relationship right?  if all these difficulties are coming at me?

My big question to you is how can such a perspective form and maintain trust and survive almost any challenge that comes your way and maximize your long-term goals including the optimal raising of children, financial security and fulfilling any personal dreams and attaining your material desires?

 

 That is why I have a no tolerance policy. I don’t need trouble; I won’t deal with that kind of trouble. From a certain perspective, it can appear to be a fact that you are insignificant and replaceable. What we need is somehow powered agreement that we can always follow. It needs to be super simple, so that you can follow it and easily return to if you fail. Rules are made to be broken especially if they are forced on you. That is why religion is so pervasive in civilization. It addresses certain problems and provides the solution. 

 That is why I choose the no tolerance policy.  We make a very, very simple agreement at the inception of the relationship. To me it is a simple commitment of trust. Not quite marriage vows, but close. If you want to see other people, break up with me. What do you wanna be with me for?

[Ajax]

2 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:

@Ajax I like your viewpoint on relationships. Seems very unattached and non clingy. You value your space so you value others'. I wouldnt entertain @LSD-Rumi's idea much on how it must be your fault why she cheated and you must be doing something wrong and how you need psychotherapy. There are a lot of misconceptions about women when it comes to relationships. Women can cheat even if they're presumably happy with their partners and vice versa, even tho I find men are more likely to cheat if the opportunity reveals itself. You value yourself and, I believe, cheating on you is a sign she doesn't value you, nor the relationship. There are many reasons why people cheat. Men and women. No one size fits all. Some will tolerate and some won't. I don't know why it is so widely believed that women in relationships are more emotional than men. In my experience, men are just as emotional, they just tend to hide it more. They express it differently. This is why they can become more aggressive and channel that energy towards abuse, neglect or reckless behaviour. 

To understand something, one has to view it as something that has revolving facets, when you get stuck on one side, that is when the trouble starts. Of course, I understand the temptation of cheating.  It is thrilling and exciting. I imagine that the experience is so amazing compared to the boring and mundane world. It feels so good to loved, cared and treated so well. It is wonderful to escape the harsh realities. There is nothing better to feel truly special and for it to be all about you for once, you give and give and it's nice to feel acknowledged and appreciated. It is so good to have all the dreams that live in your mind come out to play and can fantasize about the possibilities and feel joy and bliss even if it is for a fleeting moment. 

Yes, I know the appeal. I can emphasize with it. I can appreciate it. Even admire it. Atrractive to men and women alike. 

However, no matter how great something is to him.  It can damage whatever is around him. You build a house, insects, plants and trees and animals that depend on that tree are going to die. What you do has a footprint.  When people are involved, you got to watch where you're stepping or you are going to damage something you love. 

Therefore, to build something lasting, it is imperative to conduct yourself in ways that cause the least amount of damage. That means building a relationship on trust. If there is a simpler and easier concept that builds a relationship, I would be so happy to explore and examine it. Concepts like love and compassion and selflessness are nice but esoteric and complex and require years of contemplation to get, by the time you get it, the relationship is long gone and your have to work it out with a new partner require even more years or cocreating the concept.  Trust is simple, you believe in that person, you rely on them, you know they got your back, it provides a purity and simplicity, Most important is has utility, it is useful. 

Accordingly, you have a concept that builds a relationship. Trust.  I simply assign faithfulness as a symbol of that trust, because sex is a core part of a relationship for being connected and for having a family. Therefore, faithfulness is non-negotiable. 

[Yimpa]

12 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@Schizophonia Go love yourself ❤ that will change everything...

I find it quite fascinating how when I’m stuck hating myself, it feels like I deserve it and need to constantly do something to fix it/me. When I love myself, I don’t need to do anything, as everything occurs in its own perfect course. 

Of course, the hater will say that that’s irresponsible and lazy. But perhaps it’s irresponsible and lazy to not love yourself 

[Yimpa]

13 hours ago, Ajax said:

Thank you for sharing. What if you put you entire trust in someone. I mean everything. Relationships is based on trust and every facet of that relationship is based on that trust. Complete and utter faith. To the point that if that trust is shattered, so is everything about that relationship. Reduced to rubble and smashed into ash. How can you stay if there is no relationship? What in the world is there to discuss? What was is no longer, it is gone. Nonexistant.

If the trust is shattered, then that was meant to happen. It was for your own good, as well as for the other person. This does not mean that you and the other person can no longer learn to trust again. It’s up to you to do it in your own time.

[Ajax]

14 hours ago, Yimpa said:

I find it quite fascinating how when I’m stuck hating myself, it feels like I deserve it and need to constantly do something to fix it/me. When I love myself, I don’t need to do anything, as everything occurs in its own perfect course. 

Of course, the hater will say that that’s irresponsible and lazy. But perhaps it’s irresponsible and lazy to not love yourself 

That really is beautiful. To deny love is to limit yourself. A limited being has limited willpower.  Limited willpower means he can only serve his impulses which in turn hurt the ones he loves. To hurt the ones you love, is to deny more love to yourself and the cycle continues...

To love yourself, is the way to not limit yourself and keep hurting the ones you love.

 

Yet another reason to implement a no tolerance... I love myself too much to let my partner hurt herself on my account!!!  Oh man I am dying!

[Tenebroso]

Men seem to be hellbent on destroying their lives in the name of being one of the so called 'good men' not understanding that the goalpost for what a good man is are constantly shifting. You owe nobody anything, put your self respect first in all situations. Everyone grows at a different pace but I feel men are being gaslighted, enlightenment and growth is not accepting deceit and disrespect wake up.

[Amit]

@Ajax totally feel you man, going through a similar experience in my life but I have felt worst in life. Trying to impress woman and grab on to her is an impossible task.

As a man you need to talk to your heart and love yourself more in this kind of phase. It’s time to work on yourself, it doesn’t matter if you still love her or not, you still have to do whatever it takes to attract another women in your life, because women doesn’t care about anything more that how you make them feel.

it’s all hearts and that’s why they can leave you just like that and trying to hold on is a mistake. Give her freedom and that will give you space from her and she will also feel better.

never make someone so important in your life who have failed you again and again, it’s a huge risk for your self, you need to move on..