I Can't Let Go Of Her

[AlexB]

Ok, I never met anybody as mad as me or as my right now ex, we broke and got back in the last 6 years for like 8 9 times, after a while we always got back together. Right now we're broke up again. And I miss her and want her back.. I don't know if we will ever be able to make it actually work one day. I don't want anyone else except for her, I just wanted to see whats your opinion on this. Have a nice day

Edited March 20, 2017 by AlexB

[Loreena]

Why do you guys break up so often 

[Magic]

Yeah, really hard to say anything with such a generic description of the situation.

[Shin]

The fact that you choose to try again 9 times with the same person, shows that you didn't grow at all during these 6 years.

I would be more concerned by your lack of growth than your ex, your ex is just a good excuses to shift your focus elsewhere from what you really need (and if you broke up 9 times, you REALLY NEED IT), which is to focus on personal developement.

You might think this girl is the one, what I'm going to say will seem horrible to you, but this is the truth,

This girl is just another girl, there is billion of them, no, she's not special, she's quite average, otherwise she wouldn't accept to get back 9 FUCKING TIMES TO YOU.

Watch these video entirely (especially the first one), force yourself to, this is what you have to do if you don't want to feel the way you do now, because this is how you'll feel your all life if you don't take serious actions:

 

Edited March 21, 2017 by Shin

[egoeimai]

Dude your last sentence really annoys me and its so,black or white. What do you mean "I dont want anyone but her" Whaaat... dude? What did you just say? This is sick. First of all noone belongs to us.Just because you were together for a long time doesnt mean you are different individuals with free will theres no contract so chill. Plus you dont actually need her. You have told yourself that you need her. Your feelings are your own responsibility.. And secondly,everything happens for a reason and...its always a good one. Please think about it again. What do u tell to yourself? Maybe some silly stories that cant serve you well and theyre making you miserable.

[Guest Annetta]

I was with a man for almost ten years and we had a similar dynamic of getting angry over things, breaking up, getting back together and then doing the same thing again... and again... and again.  The roller coaster ride can be very addictive and those chemicals can often convince people that they're right for one another.  What is going on in your relationship sounds like (possibly) codependency, but I can't be sure.

You guys will probably get back together, so I'll give you some advice for that.  
If you want this relationship to actually last this time around the both of you should seriously consider couple's therapy and learn about attachment styles.  Usually what happens is one person has an anxious attachment (usually the woman) and the other has an avoidant attachment (usually the man), and there is a gap in how to communicate needs and how to enforce boundaries.  On top of that, codependent couples tend to merge into a single semi-functioning unit rather than two independent people.  One has aspects that the other is missing in themselves, and the try to fix these deficits through the other.  This creates dependency.  On top of the addictive chemicals that roller coaster relationships tend to provide.

The good news is, if you can level yourself out while you two are separated, then she will level out as well when you eventually decide to reconnect.

If you really want to keep this woman, then I would suggest:
Researching attachment theory and codependency
Looking into your own childhood patterns, and patterns that you might have picked up from family or past lovers
Exploring what your boundaries are - and how to communicate them in a relationship
Let go of her, don't need her.  At all.

@8 minutes in

[jse]

@AlexB , I feel your pain...  You may need to go through some more of it to resolve the relationship one way or another.  Each time you break up and get together again, is another nail in this relationship's coffin.

Please don't take this in a negative way, but in some ways this kind of painful attachment is not that different from being addicted to heroin.  As painful as it may be, try and give it some space for now - move your focus elsewhere (travel/retreat?) for a month or two.  And then perhaps come back with a clearer mind, and maybe a solution which may endure this time around.

[ajasatya]

@AlexB review your reasons to be with someone else. the set of reasons that works for you has to have a huge amount of elements in common with the set of reasons that someone else has to be with you.

if your set of reasons doesn't go much further than sexual satisfaction and financial conformity, then i can already say that you're still in trouble and need to work REALLY HARD on your spiritual purification.

you need to be brutally honest with yourself. every single lie counts to ruin your life.

[Loreena]

Try to work out your relationship woes. Frequent breaking up is not a good sign. There are deeper problems plaguing the relationship. Not resolving them adds to the frustration. Such relationships can manifest into vicious cycles of codependency and love-hate battles. You're thinking in your mind it's love, its not love but only drama and frustration.  Real love or even normal love is healthy. This type of relationship only leads to madness and misery. Either resolve it or break it. 

Try 

Couple therapy

Retreat

Vacations

Counselling

Face to face conversation and resolutions

If nothing then break 

[AlexB]

Wow thank you guys for the sobering words

[Loreena]

@AlexB you're welcome and take care

[Shin]

Sorry to be an ass, but it's because I care

EDIT: Ok, so now it's time to date this girl who looks like Loreena ...

Edited March 21, 2017 by Shin