Same thoughts about past trauma over and over and over

[enzyme]

I'm actually fucking sick of this.

Done everything I know in the book so far.  Meditation, learning forgiveness, mindfulness practices, letting go.

I have constant flashes in my day to day about shit with my mother and violent arguments that transpired.  It doesn't matter whether I'm in good spirits or having a really depressive episode - it always happens.

I've watched almost every actualized video related to this predicament.  I can understand things like letting go and that the past is a concept on an intellectual level.  But I don't feel it.

I can't FEEL.  All I feel is VIOLENCE and SHIT day after day.

If I'm truly this far gone then what else can be done?  Are some people just lost causes?

At this point in time I feel I can either check myself into the emergency room for the fucking fifth time for having a manic episode like this.  Or if suicide isn't part of the equation I can just self-medicate on alcohol/drugs and become a zombie again.

What am I doing wrong here?  I keep telling myself just to stop thinking about it all.  When that doesn't work I tell myself to let it in/just allow it.  Neither seems to work.  My default state is a fucked up loser who just physical juts and reacts as if the fights are happening for real over and over again.

[hyruga]

Hi bro, there is no right thing to do in life. 

You can only do things more joyously and with more intensely, then things will turn out great or better than expected. 

You are creating your own misery with your thoughts. You cannot let go completely. Let go of letting go lol.

[Raze]

Try mdma therapy and ifs therapy 

Edited June 22, 2023 by Raze

[enzyme]

Thank you both for the replies.

I'm noticing a pattern where I feel pretty alright for a few weeks and then certain memories bubble up to the point where I start to spill out emotionally.  I don't wanna turn into someone who only comes on a forum just to rant so I'll be sure to more vigilant in future.

The past happened and some things I can't change, better to just accept the here and now and let go as @hyruga said.

[TheCloud]

It's your relationship with your mother that is toxic, not you or your mother.  So what's wrong with it?  Do you call each other bad names?  Do you drag up past mistakes as weapons to use against each other?  Do you verbally compare each other, unfavorably, to other people or an ideal?  Do you stonewall, refusing to talk about certain subjects, and forcing the topic to change when the discussion goes in an unfavorable direction?  Do you mock each other?  Do you preach, or scream, at each other without stopping to listen and consider?

 

These are all hallmark toxic communication methods.  Do any of them describe how you two relate, from either one or both sides?