My perspective on huge FOMO whilst in long term relationship

[woohoo123]

Sharing an insight I had with other guys who may be in similar situation that I’m in - in a long term relationship but want to leave it to burn through karma and bang hot women. Then maybe find the same relationship again in a few years once you got it out of your system. This is not to discourage or discredit other views, just sharing an alternative view

I was ruminating how great it would be to leave my gf and have an orgy. Then I realised ‘you know what, I’m not in an orgy right now, but I still feel pretty good’

Then I paused for a sec and was like ‘wait what?’

I realised I had a narrative in my mind - I have to bang X number of women and have X sexual experiences to be happy, but in my direct experience this was not true. I’m just sat here on my own, and I’m good!

Even if you have 0 experience, everything is still perfectly good the way things are now! (although I appreciate its hard to realize from the other side)

The other narrative is you need to have X number of sexual experiences before you can find 'the one' and be confident in that choice

I feel the general narrative from the spiritual community for young men is to let go of attachments, fulfil all your fantasies, become the hero of your journey and you do this by going from an incel to gigachad. 

This transformation means you need to do pickup and having lots of sexual experiences so you’re not a social retard.

There is some truth to all the above and for me this DOES intensify my FOMO because I recognize the truth in it. I am one of those guys who never had many girls before my long term relationship (it’s not perfect though) and it makes me wonder what if….

One of my issues with commitment (in relationships) is this big WHAT IF….. and I am beginning to doubt the doubt itself.

I can feel it’s not really necessary for me to have lots of sexual escapades to feel happy or fulfilled. Yet I do see a lot of the material I consume is making me feel like the experience I already have is somehow not enough and I could be doing better (and I accept they may be right in some sense).

In terms of sexual experiences, sure I WANT it, but I realise I don’t NEED it. The desire is there, but I don’t feel tortured because I don’t have it (and may never experience it). For me I realized this unconsciously became a 'requirement' that I expected from myself in order to feel fulfilled in the dating world.

I believed I could never feel satisfied with my current relationship unless I had X number of experiences behind me.

‘I must sleep with 10 women and pick one’ - if you’re a guy who met your sweet heart at 16, you may have some doubt in your mind and want to explore. But at the same time realise you don’t HAVE to do this.

I realized I was treating it like a rigid rule system where you need to go through so many women to truly ‘know’. But really, life is so complex and varied, this may not be the case for you. Just because you haven't slept with 10 women prior doesn't mean you can't enjoy and commit to your current relationship right now.

You don't need to necessarily need to be always looking for that next thing. The person in front of you now could be all that you really need.

I think its important to look for that doubt within yourself and acknowledge that it does need to be explored. But at the same time there isn’t anything wrong with committing to what you already got - even if you don’t have all that ‘experience’ that the pickup artists and Leo seem to exude. You don’t need to have a rigid narrative where your sex life needs to go X way because someone else said so.

I acknowledge that that following this FOMO can lead to growth, but so can committing and developing a deep relationship with someone. FOMO can be good, but it can also cause unnecessary suffering and sometimes break good relationships unnecessarily; because it highlights the fear and doubt in you, then blows it up into something much larger than it really needs to be. 

It can make you feel inadequate, based off your limited number of sexual encounters you feel like you've not seen enough and somehow it means you're settling for someone below your potential (arghhhhh dun dun dunnnn)

In some ways, its like you're letting someone else undermine your reality, and make you think you need something you probably really don't - but only you can decide that. 

Again there is validity in following FOMO, but I wanted to share the other perspective as I don't think I have seen it anywhere

[Roy]

If you're serious about seeking out a certain type of person to spend your life with, then it would be wise to gain some experience and variety. So you get a better understanding of yourself and what you want. As well as it's important as a man like you mentioned to gain social confidence and skills so you ARE able to attract and lock down that specific woman when you come across her.

Women have the opposite experience where they are limited on time because of declining looks and fertility, but they can't be rushing through too many guys too fast or they'll lose their perceived value or even worse, get knocked up with someone that is a bad match long term. That's why it's in their best interest to be picky.

The key here is not to use people as a means to and end or for certain things. Learn to appreciate every experience and relationship as they will bring you closer to what you truly desire.

I'm at the point now where I'm somewhat jaded but realistic about relationships and the lifestyle I want. I understand that it's incredibly unlikely that any given relationship will last a lifetime, so I enjoy their uniqueness and let my intuition guide me. I maintain an appropriate level of attachment and am no longer deluded by love at this point. "Blinded by love" as they say.