Lsd Trip Report: Life Is God's Masturbatorium.

[jjer94]

INTRO.
    I took LSD yesterday, and I'm integrating the insights today. Here's what I learned. 
    Disclaimer: These insights are from my perspective. They're not absolute. But I think a lot of you will resonate.

KNOW THYSELF.
    An hour after popping the tab, I didn't know who I was. 
    Literally, I did not know. There was nothing to define me. I was nothing, had nothing, and everything was leftover. I felt like I had arrived, which is the feeling I've been looking for my entire life without realizing. Death didn't matter, because the distinction between death and life didn't apply. When there's nothing to hold onto, what dies? 
    I laughed and cried. "Thank you for my life" cannot even come close to the level of gratitude I felt.

ACCEPT THYSELF.
    I agree with Freud when he says that societies are fundamentally neurotic. Civilization is full of "should's". It needs to be in order for things to run smoothly. We forget, however, that humans are animals, and to moralize an animal is to cage it. 
    The zookeeper, the thing that keeps the human animal in its cage, is often called the ego or the lower self. I like to call it the Guardian. The human animal has no knowledge of death, but the Guardian does. He thinks he has the animal's best interests in mind by protecting it from the Darkness, by keeping it in a cage, by not allowing it to get hurt. Sure, he allows the animal to survive, but he doesn't allow it to live. 
    The human animal has a primal urge to connect. To share. To give freely without taking. To feel. To be naked and vulnerable. To have wild and crazy sex. To look someone in the eye and acknowledge that they're here together on a leaky boat in a shoreless sea. 
    I realized that my Guardian has been using spiritual ideas to deny these things. Leo has revolutionized my life; I thank him dearly. But his prioritizing of spirituality/truth has also convinced me that spending time with friends is useless. That connecting with other people is a waste of time. That I should instead work endlessly on self-actualization alone. 
    Stack that on top of the spiritual purification idea, that sex is somehow bad, that you shouldn't feel anger or sadness. Then watch all of those Rupert Spira/Mooji videos to see how peaceful they look, and then to try to be that way all the time. 
    It's ironic how I've used the very tools for uncaging the human animal, to cage it even more.
    I've been isolating myself. Avoiding social interaction. Reading books for mental masturbation. Masturbating to porn, using one hand to block the view of my other hand. This is the Guardian, sedating the caged animal before it gets stir-crazy again. 
     For as long as I can remember, I've had little to no circulation from my waist downwards. Cold feet. Premature ejaculation. Constipation issues. It's like the bottom half of my body's been lifeless and I've been "full of shit."
    But once the LSD kicked in, the Guardian was obliterated, and the human animal escaped its cage. Circulation came back to my bottom half. I could actually breathe again for the first time in years. I felt relaxed. I felt my primal urge to connect, to give freely, to be horny and beastly. I was alive! 
    When this happened, I started growling and walking around on all fours. I did somersaults, something I only did in my childhood. I took all my clothes off and went in an ice bath. I laughed and cried and smiled. 
    I took a walk outside and laughed that I had to wear clothes. I felt like a chimpanzee in a tuxedo. Looking at other humans was the most fascinating spectacle. This place is just a massive costume party. I realized that I take my costume way too seriously.
    Leo talks a lot about holism, about accounting for all of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Now I see the value in that. Focus too much on spirituality, and it becomes a sedative for the caged human animal.
    
FORGIVE THYSELF.
    This bit is more personal, but I figure I'd share. 
    In my journal, I mentioned that my friend killed himself a couple years ago. What I didn't mention was that I felt it was my fault. No matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise, I felt guilty. I recently discovered that this guilt runs deeper than his suicide. It's been a constant theme all throughout my life. "You don't deserve to be alive. There's something wrong with you. Go away and hide. You're defective. You don't deserve anyone's time and attention." 
    At some point in the trip, this guilt hit me like a freight train. I was writhing on my bed, sobbing like a child. I couldn't stop saying, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" 
    Here's the weird part. I split into two personalities. There was that one, the child, and there was the mother. The mother let the child sob while she comforted him. I put my hand on my leg and started rubbing it with my thumb, the way my mom used to do it. "It's okay, it's okay." the mother said. 
    Then, something snapped. I forgave myself. The tears washed the guilt away. It felt nice to not need anyone else but me to...

LOVE THYSELF.
    That's right. I said it. 
    I'm not a new agey kind of guy, and I think it's an overused word. But now I understand the meaning of "self-love." 
    It can't be half-assed. It can't be faked. It can't be put into an affirmation.
    You need to feel it in your innermost being. 
    It's easy to forget. Civilization conditioned us to believe that love comes from outside sources. We spend all of this time seeking a girlfriend/boyfriend, achievement, success, enlightenment, and other things because we think they will provide us with the love we so desperately need. But these are finite resources, and as with anything finite, we fight to keep them. We get competitive, greedy, self-centered in order to keep the love we think comes from these sources. 
    The masses of men lead lives of quiet desperation because they believe love is scarce.
    But we are all sadly mistaken.
    After I forgave myself, love was gushing out of me like an unclogged hose. It was endless. I loved my body, my legs, my personality. I loved my voice, my hair, my dick. The love couldn't contain itself. I loved the bed I was lying on, the ceiling, the sheets. I loved the trees outside, the sky, the water. 
    Then I realized...wait for it...ALL is love. There's no difference between life and love. Go ahead. Laugh it up.
    Then I realized that the only obstruction to this abundance of love was...wait for it. Fear. We accept the love we think we deserve.
    Fear is the Guardian. When the Guardian is obliterated, love remains. Thus, in a paradoxical sort of way, love = death = life = God. In the state of love, every second is an extra second. A privilege, not a right. Life is a heavenly epilogue to a melodramatic farce.
    Life is God's masturbatorium. God just wants to jerk Himself off with his own love.
    All you want to do, is share it. There was so much love to give that I didn't know what to do with myself. So I took that walk outside, called my brother for once (I don't normally reach out to people). I complimented a girl in a shop. I looked all of the passers-by in the eye, hoping that they would at least receive some of the love I was trying to share. Most of the time, they looked away in a split second. But it didn't matter to me. I didn't need anyone to love me. I WAS love itself.

OTHER NOTES.
    LSD is a very cerebral psychedelic. There weren't as many visualizations as shrooms. I was mostly in my head. I consider myself fairly creative, but this drug multiplies your creative capacity by 1000. I couldn't stop writing and talking. Insights were spewing out of me at a million miles an hour. 
    LSD is an opportunity to ask yourself deep questions, especially about your psychological issues. Here's a sample of some of the questions I asked myself:
    What do I want?
    Why do I isolate myself?
    What purpose does my constipation serve?
    What am I so afraid of?
And so on.
    You ever see the movie Limitless, with Bradley Cooper? It kind of felt like that. 
    The trip lasted more than twelve hours. I popped the tab at 10 AM, and I was still tripping at 1 in the morning.
    The Guardian is back. Circulation to my bottom half is cut off again. But at least now I know what I can work towards.
    This song was the theme to my trip. I listened to it more than 15 times:

OUTRO.
    If you made it this far, thanks for reading! Words can only do so much justice. I can write for hours about this trip and it would have 1/100th of the impact compared to actually taking LSD. 
    My suggestion? Give it a try. Just know what you're getting into. Do the research. Be meticulous. And, most importantly, enjoy.
    
Cheers,
Brett
 

[Echoes]

@jjer94 

nice report! How much ug did you take?

[nightrider1435]

Good report, I enjoyed reading it! I've been on a mushroom trip and learned alot from it, I can't wait to take my first LSD trip.

[Visionary]

Beautiful dude.

I've experienced this Absolute Unconditional Love. It loves the biggest pedophiles and mass murderers the same way as it loves the holy figures in our societies. It's completely indiscriminate.

Ever since that day, my objective is to spread that love to everything and everyone as much as possible. But this really reminded me, that i shouldn't forget to apply it to myself first. The most difficult part.

Enjoyed your post

[100rockets]

Thank you for this I enjoyed the read

[jjer94]

@Echoes Forgot to mention that. One tab is...I believe somewhere around 100-125µg? I'm a lightweight, so it was plenty for blastoff.

Edited March 19, 2017 by jjer94

[Dodo]

I remember someone saying that by taking drugs we can see the truth uninvited, as an intruder, we can look at it through a window, only to be kicked out afterwards. I myself am guilty of that. I feel like this is all a chase for experience (be it God, infinity).

After my most recent "insights" or realisations I feel that dwelling in this forum or saying anything about spirituality is counter spiritual (btw these came from watching Mooji, not from my weed practise which makes me feel like I am the shit). Shouldn't the truth be always here and now? No matter whether you get the insights or not? No matter what experience? Do you need to have 10000 orgasms in a minute to feel like you're enlightened now?

Does the Ego's pain or unhappiness even matter? It matters only to the Ego itself, it's a self referential knot, but it is based on illusion so is not real anyway, even if it feels real to the one that is not real.

Indulge me in the following: How can one that is not the body/mind take a pill designed for the body/mind and be affected in any way.

The one typing is the Ego that feels it was enhanced because of the experience of no Ego - this is paradoxical. It feels like the Devil to me, the Devil that deceives. I don't know if my post makes a lot of sense to anyone, but just wanted to say my meh..

Edited March 19, 2017 by Dodoster

[Shin]

With that kind of mindset, every tricks and tips that Leo gave us, is like cheating too.

I would still be a virgin nerd without any perspective on life if I didn't "cheat".

[Echoes]

@Dodoster I see your point and agree to the window analogy. However, I think it can be a great catalysator for motivation towards positive habits like meditation or contemplation. Once you have this glimpse even for just a limited time, it can never really be unseen (especially if you take it for truths sake and not for enjoying a festival) 

But for me the even more important aspect of psychedelics is the permanent therapeutic healing power. You get access to the unconsciouss, whole web of beliefsystems and trapped emotions get revealed, energy gets released. Of course you have to process and analyze all this and one session is probably not enough. 

[Leo Gura]

@jjer94 Now try to imagine that experience x1000, and you've got 5-meo.

Good work.

[SLICKHAWK]

@Dodoster  true for myself. I have done no mushroom or lsd trip. 5-meo leo always refers too intrigues myself. 

However i understood truth and awaken with out psychedelics. 

Maybe being an avid pot smoker helped in some way. Possibly it was just the process of life and awareness that opened my book into outer world. 

Example. I took my son to work today i do this to bond with him. We were walking to the truck and we spoke to the stars and moon. I love you ?. Just after i said this a star moved or shot across the sky. Amazed i only know the truth and it was an answer.

Thank you fir reading if you did or chose not to i love you.

[jjer94]

 

36 minutes ago, Dodoster said:

Shouldn't the truth be always here and now? No matter whether you get the insights or not? No matter what experience? Do you need to have 10000 orgasms in a minute to feel like you're enlightened now?

That's what I thought too...until I took this psychedelic.

You're not receiving 10000 orgasms a minute when you take it. You feel pretty much the same...except for one thing. The part of your thought-system that CONSTRAINS, that PROTECTS...is gone. You feel so ALIVE and FREE that you wonder how you've been able to live your whole life in that somnambulistic state. 

Sure, God/enlightenment/truth/whatever is right here, right now. But this is not a God thing. It's a human thing.

Do you want a good dream or a bad dream? Do you want to be a half-alive, borderline depressive hermit? Or do you want to take advantage of this human body? Do you want to be fully alive in this no-stakes open-world sandbox game?

In a sense, the journey is the destination. This is it, but there is always work to be done in the human realm. Taking a psychedelic will instantly reveal this fact to you.

51 minutes ago, Dodoster said:

Does the Ego's pain or unhappiness even matter? It matters only to the Ego itself, it's a self referential knot, but it is based on illusion so is not real anyway, even if it feels real to the one that is not real.

If it feels real, it is real. Sure, you can tell a depressed person that depression just a bunch of thoughts and feelings. But to the one actually having depression, it feels very real, and it's not pleasant. To that person, feeling happy would matter a lot. Illusion may not be true, but it is real.

Be careful not to spin these spiritual/nihilistic/Jed McKenna things you've read into an excuse for inaction. Just another sedative for the human animal.

55 minutes ago, Dodoster said:

Indulge me in the following: How can one that is not the body/mind take a pill designed for the body/mind and be affected in any way.

Like I said before, illusion is not true, but it is real. Death feels very real to the body/mind experiencing it, even though life and death are pretty much the same thing on an existential level.

56 minutes ago, Dodoster said:

The one typing is the Ego that feels it was enhanced because of the experience of no Ego - this is paradoxical. It feels like the Devil to me, the Devil that deceives.

Again, it goes back to whether you want a good dream or a bad dream... and there's no choice in the matter. This is all paradoxical stuff. But you'll understand what I mean if you ever decide to take the psychedelic plunge.

[aurum]

Sounds like you're really evolving man, congrats.

To deny the material is just another form of separation. Finding that balance has really become the challenge for me as I let go of more and more, and it sounds like you're there as well.

Interesting that you say you were hypercreative on LSD. I actually found when I took it that my practical creativity very little. I either wanted to just sit and look at a sunset or I was being pummeled with life / existential insights. Totally in my head.

 

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, Dodoster said:

Indulge me in the following: How can one that is not the body/mind take a pill designed for the body/mind and be affected in any way

You gotta be very careful in your reasoning here. When you say, "How can one that is not the body/mind" you are referring to the Absolute Self. And it's true, the Absolute Self does NOT change even if you take a pill or a bullet to the brain. But that is not your experience of yourself. This is only hearsay for you. Because you ARE very deeply identified with that body/mind, when a pill radically changes how body/mind is experienced, that will make a HUGE difference to your current identification, which is occurring at the body/mind level. Your entire body/mind/experience is chemical. If we magically transformed you into a kangaroo, you would have a kanagroo experience, and it would make a HUGE difference to you. Because you think you're a human body/mind. But the Absolute Self would remain untouched even if you became a kangaroo.

The whole problem here is that you're deeply identified with experience and you don't know it yet. You don't hold it an identification with experience, you hold it as "reality". A radical change to your experience will rob you of this illusion. For example, if you took a pill that literally changed you into a kangaroo, you would no longer be able to think of yourself as a body/mind.

The mistake people who haven't taken psychedelics make is that they assume a psychedelic will make you hallucinate you're a kangaroo. When in fact, it's more like, a psychedelic will LITERALLY turn your body into a kangaroo body. So when you come back down from your trip, it's not like you hallucinated being a kangaroo. You ACTUALLY were a kangaroo! All experience is hallucination. There is no special set of experiences which are "real" and others which are hallucinatory. ALL OF REALITY IS A HALLUCINATION! Your current body is a hallucination.

The reason this is still not making much sense to you, is because you're locked in the naive realist paradigm and spirituality/psychedelics are a totally opposite paradigm, yet you are trying to understand them without making a discontinuous jump. So your old paradigm's assumptions are infecting the spiritual/psychedelic paradigm, which makes it sound impossible or crazy. You must make a discontinuous jump. But you don't know how. So you're stuck. You're not really motivated to work for years without results. Which is where psychedelics are helpful.

One way or another, you must make a discontinuous jump in this work. And only then will you realize how stuck you were. Like a fish in water, you can't see the water until some fisherman hooks you and drags you ashore. Try to imagine how big of paradigm shock that is for the fish. His entire universe changes once he sees some real land.

Notice very carefully: when you are inside a dream, you do not know it's a dream. You hold it as REAL! Only by contrast, after awakening, can you look back on it and say, "Oh, yeah... of course that was a silly dream."

[WaveInTheOcean]

15 hours ago, Dodoster said:

Does the Ego's pain or unhappiness even matter? It matters only to the Ego itself, it's a self referential knot, but it is based on illusion so is not real anyway, even if it feels real to the one that is not real.

Indulge me in the following: How can one that is not the body/mind take a pill designed for the body/mind and be affected in any way.

The one typing is the Ego that feels it was enhanced because of the experience of no Ego - this is paradoxical. It feels like the Devil to me, the Devil that deceives. I don't know if my post makes a lot of sense to anyone, but just wanted to say my meh..

Your writings seem to indicate that you on a deep level believe that there actually exist a person/ego/mind ...?

"even if it feels real to the one that is not real."

Feels real to the real that is not real? ...  

Personality / ego / -being a seperated self capable of gettin hurt-  feels real to that which IS real (= Awareness, you, me, everything, nothing), while truly the ego is not real: It's no-where to be found, it's a concept. Even the body is a concept, it doesn't exist either. That which doesn't exist can't be you.
You do exist, but not as anything your mind can imagine or logically comprehend. You exist as self-aware nothingness, and even THAT is a concept. "nothingness" is a concept. "self-aware" is a concept. Everything we speak of on this forum is concept, concept, concept. It's ALL relative. It's not absolute/eternal.
 

"The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao". !!

"Indulge me in the following: How can one that is not the body/mind take a pill designed for the body/mind and be affected in any way."

No one took any pill. None took the LSD. You assume something that is not the body/mind is actually capable of taking a pill? If we say that "someone" is taking "a pill" then we are speaking relatively. There is no pill. There is no human being to take the pill. There is no body/mind to be affected.

There is only you to perceive the game of life. In this game of life interesting experiences can happens when a body takes LSD. The body or mind is not affected by it though. The only one that is affected by it is YOU! And at the same time you are not affected by it at all. Reality is a paradox. You are both deeply affected by all experience you experience and at the same time not affected at all by any experience.

"The one typing is the Ego that feels it was enhanced because of the experience of no Ego - this is paradoxical."

There is no ego typing anywhere. There is no ego that could be enchanced or not enchanced. Relatively speaking, yes, the good guy jjer94 here wrote a post here about his LSD-experience. You can say it is the ego typing, sure, but it's just relatively speaking, there is really no ego if we speak in terms of absolute truth.

"Does the Ego's pain or unhappiness even matter? It matters only to the Ego itself"

There is no owner of any pain or unhappiness or happiness. There is experience of pain, there is experience of unhappiness, there is expierence of anxiety, there is experience of love. That which experiences all these things is 'The Absolute Self'/Nothingness/Awareness/blabla , it's not the ego, because there is no ego! Therefore it can't matter to any ego! It can only matter to the Absolute Self. In truth it doesn't matter at all to the Absolute Self, and yet at the same time it matters a lot to the Absolute Self, because who/what else could it possibly matter to?  When you feel pain and unhappiness it surely doesn't feel nice, so of course it matters (and yet it doesn't).

It's all a dream. Within the dream everything matters, at least as long as you're not aware of the fact that it's a dream. When you realize it's a dream you see that nothing matters inside the dream... However, to follow along with the dream analogy, if all you did was dreaming (you never woke up), and there was nothing else besides the dream, then the dream must matter in itself. Cos there is nothing else that could possibly matter. So the dream both matter and doesn't matter. Life/reality is a dream that you can't wake up from, except for short periods of time ("no-self experiences/ego death experiences/"enlightenment experiences). However, you can become conscious of the fact that it is a dream (through these no-self experiences), or you can live your whole your life not ever becoming conscious of it. The dream remains in either case, you can never wake up from it. The dream is all there is.

Edited March 20, 2017 by WaveInTheOcean