Friendzone Confusion | Help

[Twega]

So there's this girl I knew when we both of us were in a relationship, so we first met each other with no intention of having sex/intimacy. Fast forward 2 years, we both broke up. I went out with her a couple times, and I was of course friendly, then she told me she broke up. Then I slowly began showing more interest in her, but I didn't do anything bold or risky.

 

I invited her to my place and she came, I started getting more closer to her physically, I complimented her persoanlity. But nothing outright sexual or even bold. It seemed to be going just fine, she would send messages, call me, and even send me videos of her in work looking pretty. Idk but it was clear that this was going somewhere.

 

Then, I got "the message" stating that I would like to make things clear that I see us as friends and nothing more. Of course I responded very casually and didn't make a big deal out of it. But she still continued to call me late at night... I just find it weird idk. Am I missing something? I mean yes maybe she actually just wants to be friends, and of course I understand that.

 

But the way things were going I didn't expect it at all.

 

TLDR; Girl was showing signs of interest, then got friendzone. I accept it, but want to know my error so I can learn

Edited June 15, 2023 by Twega

[mr_engineer]

First of all, you got rejected. There's no coming back from this. Move on. 

If we reflect back on the mistake you made, I think you should've done the 'bold' and 'risky' things if you wanted to get with her. 

If you tell me that 'it would've been the wrong move, she has an avoidant attachment-style and I didn't want to bulldoze that', I get it. You wanted things to flow more smoothly. In that case, you have a bigger issue to resolve. You go for emotionally unavailable women. For this, you go to therapy and do inner-child work. 

And, one final point about her calling you late at night and stuff - all of that is her being friendly. And, quite frankly, sucking on your attention, getting too close for comfort. If I were in your position, I would distance myself from her because I would have bigger, more important life-commitments than wasting my time with her. And, if you want to take this a step further, I would not pretend to take it casually. It would be better for her too to understand that moving on is going to be a challenge for you. 

[Twega]

11 hours ago, mr_engineer said:

I would distance myself from her because I would have bigger, more important life-commitments than wasting my time with her.

Without even trying, that's what was happening, and she asked yesterday if I was okay because I was distant. I said yes but I'm not excited to talk to you as I was before.

 

11 hours ago, mr_engineer said:

I think you should've done the 'bold' and 'risky' things if you wanted to get with her. 

I know you're 100% right. My only excuse would be that we started as friends, and both of us had partners at that time, so quickly changing the frame is a lot more complex than starting with that frame outright.

 

 

But what about the sending videos/picture part of her looking good. I think thats kinda weird tbh...

[integral]

14 hours ago, Twega said:

I invited her to my place and she came, I started getting more closer to her physically, I complimented her persoanlity. But nothing outright sexual or even bold. It seemed to be going just fine, she would send messages, call me, and even send me videos of her in work looking pretty. Idk but it was clear that this was going somewhere.

In this situation you had to bring up the idea of you guys dating. Not everything has to be a mystery, clear communication is a thing. 

Edited June 15, 2023 by integral

[meta_male]

17 hours ago, Twega said:

But she still continued to call me late at night... I just find it weird idk. Am I missing something?

There's women out there just collecting orbiters. That's pretty much it. Next time just kiss the girl to make it clear what this is about and to find out whether she's in or not.

Edited June 15, 2023 by meta_male

[mr_engineer]

3 hours ago, Twega said:

But what about the sending videos/picture part of her looking good. I think thats kinda weird tbh...

They do this with their girlfriends all the time. It'll be along the lines of 'I have a date with this other guy. Do you approve of the dress?' 

[Dauntment]

@mr_engineer Yeah OP, I think this guys first message has a great theme that I think would work best for you.

 

My quick ass summary: You weren't (sexually) attractive enough and didn't "catch the hook". Girls tend to make these decisions VERY quickly upon MEETING you so if you want her, GO FOR it, otherwise it will likely stale out (into the "friendzone")