I would rather kill myself than turn into dad

[LSD-Rumi]

@trenton Let your affirmations be positive. Instead of saying these negative things and filling your head with fears, start saying positive things to yourself, like "I will be an amazing person. I will not hurt anyone. I will be a responsible individual. I will live a great life.". These affirmations are healthier than than negative ones.

[Princess Arabia]

13 minutes ago, LSD-Rumi said:

@trenton Let your affirmations be positive. Instead of saying these negative things and filling your head with fears, start saying positive things to yourself, like "I will be an amazing person. I will not hurt anyone. I will be a responsible individual. I will live a great life.". These affirmations are healthier than than negative ones.

Nice. But saying I Am.... is more effective than I WILL BE. Affirmations are for the subconscious mind which only knows the present moment. Saying "I will" is keeping himself in a state of "I will" and never reaching there. The I AM is the operant power. Saying I WILL has no power because it is suggesting that you are not; and since it is your state if being that matters when it comes to change, reaffirming the I AM state is where all the power lies. I WILL is a state of waiting.  Saying I AM an amazing person with intention and feeling is more effective than saying I WILL BE an amazing person. But just saying affirmations with no feeling or intention behind it is useless because the logical mind will interrupt the flow if its not aligned with what the subconscious believes. He won't believe it at first but with enough repetition and feeling the subconscious will slowly begin to accept it be true. Saying affirmations alone can take a while for results to occur unless there's a drastic shift in consciousness. From what he's describing, he needs a massive shift which can maybe help with meditation along with some major inner work. But doing this is better than staying negative and not aligning his thoughts with Truth. I wish him well. 

[LSD-Rumi]

@Princess Arabia I prefer I will over I am because in most cases you are not yet what you claim to be. I will, give a vision, something to seek and to work forward to.

Edited June 16, 2023 by LSD-Rumi

[trenton]

6 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:

@trentonI feel your pain. I will say nothing else to you other than you are loved. The Universe loves you. You are overflowing with love, so much, your container cannot hold it. It's feeling like hate to you but its actually love. I love you, we all love you, everything will be alright. I'm not just saying this to comfort you, nor trying to make you feel better, because it won't. I was led by my heart to say this to you. How you feel about this message is up to you, but it was meant for you to hear. That's it.

The emotional support of others feels hollow to me. My father's love felt hollow and empty me so to does my mother's. I never for a second believed that they were good examples. I wanted to be good so I separated myself from them to minimize their influence. I don't want to be like them, but this led to emotional neglect. Although they tried giving me hugs and saying they love me, it felt like nothing. I have been depressed since I was a young child and it all felt meaningless.

when people send love my way, it feels hollow. I interpret it as a good will gesture that makes no difference to me. Thanks for trying to be good, but I don't feel the love. I don't know how to feel your love, thus I feel the same. I feel empty and hollow. I'm trying to love, but it's hard to love. I have been struggling with this my entire life.

[trenton]

I find it interesting that my dad was also a star wars fan. Given his behavior, he sets himself up perfectly for the analogy of Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. It's an exaggeration to call him the most evil man in the galaxy. At the same time his Xbox name was DarthG13.

[Princess Arabia]

7 hours ago, LSD-Rumi said:

@Princess Arabia I prefer I will over I am because in most cases you are not yet what you claim to be. I will, give a vision, something to seek and to work forward to.

Its ok. I will not take that away from you, but when it comes to how the mind works it's not about what the ego prefers, it's about programming. Affirmations aren't needed if you're already that which you wish to become. My brief explanation to you isn't enough for you to fully grasp what I'm saying but I'm not coming from a place of what I prefer, but from a place of how the subconscious works and that's what affirmations are targeting. Goal setting is different from what I'm speaking of. Setting goals is great but, in this case, we're speaking of changing how you view yourself and that can only be done by targeting the subconscious which knows nothing about the past or future, only the now moment. You're speaking about actions, something to work towards. I'm speaking about a way of BEING. If you are an angry person, you can take action by going to anger management classes, but if you are trying to use affirmations to try to change yourself, you have to target the subconscious and saying I WILL is keeping you in a becoming state not the actual state. Study the Universal "law of assumption" and you will understand more of what I'm saying. I'm speaking about affirmations, not setting goals, there's a difference.

[Princess Arabia]

6 hours ago, trenton said:

The emotional support of others feels hollow to me. My father's love felt hollow and empty me so to does my mother's. I never for a second believed that they were good examples. I wanted to be good so I separated myself from them to minimize their influence. I don't want to be like them, but this led to emotional neglect. Although they tried giving me hugs and saying they love me, it felt like nothing. I have been depressed since I was a young child and it all felt meaningless.

when people send love my way, it feels hollow. I interpret it as a good will gesture that makes no difference to me. Thanks for trying to be good, but I don't feel the love. I don't know how to feel your love, thus I feel the same. I feel empty and hollow. I'm trying to love, but it's hard to love. I have been struggling with this my entire life.

I told you it wouldn't make you feel better, but I was led to convey that message to you. I wasn't trying to do anything and I didn't expect you to feel the love from reading words on a computer screen coming from a stranger. That was not my intention. My sending that message to you came from the Universe working through me. I hesitated to send it because I knew it wouldn't make a difference to you, but my heart kept saying please do. So I did. I wish I could learn to follow my heart more in my personal life but my egoic mind keeps getting in the way. It's a bit harder when I'm in the trap to free myself but I'm working on mental freedom by removing myself from myself and seeing myself from a meta perspective so I can free myself from the mental trap the mind has grown so accustomed to. I'm learning how to feel from the heart and not listen to the mind but to use it as the tool it was intended to be. I wish you all the best and I will still send you love and more love, because I have lots to give.

[jimwell]

On 6/15/2023 at 5:41 AM, trenton said:

thank you very much. I considered killing myself because of the fear that I would murder my step father. I understood that I would rather die than become a monster.

Are you living with your stepfather now? If so, move out as soon as possible. Heal from a distance.

If it's not possible to move out, stay away from him as much as possible. For example, you can stay in your room most of the time and just go out of the room if he's not in the house.

I don't know why you felt like murdering your stepfather. If you really want to murder him, just punch him in the face or hurt him in other ways. Never murder him. Yes, his life will end literally. But, your life will also end metaphorically. I hope you understand.

Just express your anger to him if you really need to, but never murder him unless he's in the act of murdering you and you're forced to defend yourself.
 

On 6/15/2023 at 5:41 AM, trenton said:

It seems that I felt like I was a terrible person due to some kind of childhood imprinting. I believed I didn't have the freedom to not be like my father. There is the whole narrative about me carrying on my father's name, but it's ridiculous, I never believed it.

I also didn't have the freedom to be free from physical, mental-emotional, and verbal abuse from my father. All kids don't have this freedom. You're not alone. That was why I mentioned a parent's license for parenthood.

It's good you never believed it. It's dumb to carry your father's name if it's metaphorically dirty. If it's metaphorically clean or noble, no problem, go ahead and carry his name.

 

On 6/15/2023 at 5:41 AM, trenton said:

Basically, the entire family has been full of criminals for a very long time. He  and his father were hoping that one day the cycle would end. They placed their hope on me. I'm not carrying their name though.

This is transgenerational trauma. And it's very difficult to break.

But what a big opportunity to be the first one to break it. You have your independent mind and life. You must exercise your will and do the correct thing.

You're more conscious than your father and grandfather, which is good. You're in the correct direction. Just continue your journey until you reach where you want and should be.

[TheCloud]

On 6/13/2023 at 4:17 PM, trenton said:

In order to forgive my father I must also forgive myself. The similarity I am afraid of is selfishness. Throughout my life I have hurt others and enjoyed it. I bullied a mentally disabled kid and made him cry when I was in daycare. I did something sexual with my sister when I was six. I tortured the cats when I was a teenager. I beat my sister upside the head with a boot. I got into a fight with her in the car when I was in high school. I was afraid that I would murder my step father over a complicated situation, likewise dad said he would kill him. I didn't call the police on my mother, father, and step father because I loved them. I'm now confused about my feelings toward my step father. I'm confused. The list goes on. I used spirituality to avoid facing life.

Maybe I'll try the forgiveness exercise later. I've got a lot on my mind. It's crazy. I think my life purpose is to be a better dad than dad.

You're very clear about the things that you've done, but nowhere do you mention the things that were done to or that happened to you.  Resolving trauma isn't just a one-sided ordeal where you admit fault, then admit fault. then admit fault.  To be at peace means being able to dispassionately observe, which means seeing BOTH sides.  Not just the side where you're the monster, but also the side where you were and are living with monstrous relationships.

 

It's admirable that you're not making excuses for your behaviors, but I don't believe for a second that you did all those things you mentioned with nothing ever having been done to or around you to reinforce it.  Don't just bring the hammer down;  actually, stop bringing the hammer down at all.  Look at both sides.

[trenton]

On 6/25/2023 at 2:37 PM, TheCloud said:

You're very clear about the things that you've done, but nowhere do you mention the things that were done to or that happened to you.  Resolving trauma isn't just a one-sided ordeal where you admit fault, then admit fault. then admit fault.  To be at peace means being able to dispassionately observe, which means seeing BOTH sides.  Not just the side where you're the monster, but also the side where you were and are living with monstrous relationships.

It's admirable that you're not making excuses for your behaviors, but I don't believe for a second that you did all those things you mentioned with nothing ever having been done to or around you to reinforce it.  Don't just bring the hammer down;  actually, stop bringing the hammer down at all.  Look at both sides.

@TheCloud I talked with my mom. I just discovered that my father was even worse than I previously believed. First of all, when Mom and Dad had sex it was statutory rape. Furthermore, my father coerced me into committing multiple crimes including felonies. He threatened to disown me if I did not swear to secrecy as he committed several crimes to avoid paying child support. All I wanted was to be good, and I was emotionally manipulated into lying on behalf of my father. I still feel a lot of resentment toward myself. I logically understand that my dad is a horrible person, but I love him anyway. I am starting to sound mad at my dad though.

My defense is that I was forced to figure out life for myself because I never trusted my family. I had no guidance but my own. My family was never a good example, but I wanted to be a good person anyway. I'm slowly starting to see how human I am as I loosen my unrealistically high expectations of myself. The function of me hating myself is to prevent me from doing anything wrong by creating a lot of suffering for myself. This is why I'm miserable. I just feel like such a victim and I desperately want to be in control of my life so I blame myself.

I sometimes feel mad at God for being unfair. At the same time I really value the truth and being the best person I can be. I know its hard to love as God would, but that is what I want to do. I wrote about some of this in the spirituality section, and I don't seem to be ready for spirituality. The reason my mind is so inflexible is because my harsh self judgements are designed for my survival. I could not live with myself if I became like my family.

I'm trying to open up to my family. Its going to be hell in the short term, but I have been suffering hell all my life. I have been trying everything to make the suffering stop. My family is completely oblivious to a lot of trauma. They seem to be partially open to me finally coming out of my shell and expressing myself. My relationships will always feel hollow if nobody knows who the hell I am. They act like they don't want me to bottle up my emotions until I stop bottling up my emotions.

I swear to God I'm always doing the best I can, but I hurt so badly and I don't want to be a victim. The truth is that I feel completely depressed and defeated. I don't have any control over my life. Suicide gives me a sense of being in control. Hating myself also gives me a false sense of being in control. I have been lost in a meaningless existence for my entire life struggling to find purpose in anything. I have been walking around with suicidal thoughts for over a decade. Nobody knows a damn thing about me.

[TheCloud]

@trenton I don't know you in person, but from what you say, I think of you as being among the better possible outcomes for your situation.  This is because, despite all the pain and abuse in your past, done both to you and by you, you have developed and retained the most important thing;  the capacity to self-reflect.  Usually, the greater a person's misdeeds, the greater the lengths they will go to to deny them and deny their victims.  Self-reflection becomes impossible, because they could never bear to see what is there to be reflected.

 

Think of your father, and what he would have had to go through to look into the mirror and realize his wrongs.  Once someone reaches the point where they can't self-reflect, where it's so painful to look in the mirror that they forget they even can, their bottom line deteriorates.  Adding to the wrongs becomes easier, and admitting them becomes harder.  That's one reason that self-reflection is so vital.  It's the only way up, and it works no matter how deep you've gone.

 

In this situation where you have so much personal turmoil, and so many traumas, I recommend you try to focus on one thing at a time.  The most painful traumas are often the ones we inflict on ourselves through our wrongdoing, so figuring how you should make amends to those you've wronged (if the victim wants your amends, and doesn't want you to just leave them alone) is a great place to start.

 

Remember, you aren't always the only one in the wrong;  many situations have multiple contributing factors and individuals.  For example, the felonies you committed under your father's guidance;  you might have to admit some responsibility, but you are by no means the only responsible party.  The part you played may end up being surprisingly small and easily amendable.  In other situations, two people wrong each other at roughly the same time.  It still matters whether you were first or second, but in neither case are you the only one.

 

This isn't where you have to start.  Any trauma is worth resolving, and every trauma must eventually find resolution if you want to see your way through all this.  It's a skill set you will not regret developing.  It's a form of empathy and self-compassion.

[Sucuk Ekmek]

On 13.06.2023 at 1:41 PM, trenton said:

This is a long story. Dad was a fucking horrible person. I hate myself because I don't want to be anything like that monster.

 

On 13.06.2023 at 1:41 PM, trenton said:

I'd rather die than be like him.

Don't you think he is a great teacher? Now you know how to be a dad?

[trenton]

On 7/2/2023 at 2:36 PM, Sucuk Ekmek said:

 

Don't you think he is a great teacher? Now you know how to be a dad?

A possible life purpose for me is to be a better dad than dad. The problem is that family values feel empty to me. If I want to be a good father, then I have to account for parental depression because I refuse to pass it on to my children. Furthermore, I don't see why it is worth the effort to build a relationship. A relationship can't make me happened I am fundamentally unhappy with myself. I have been struggling to love myself my entire life. I refuse to move forward because I want to love myself.

A good father would therefore forgive the sins of his previous father to ensure that others are not hurt. I refuse to use my trauma as an excuse to hurt others. I want to be the person that my father and grandfather wanted me to be. I don't care if they are complete fucking hypocrites. I choose love. It's just a painful process of opening up to my family. My relationships feel hollow and meaningless. It makes me want to die.