Letting Go Of Pain

[Guest username]

There was one girl I never managed to get over, and to this day, I haven't managed to recreate the happiness I felt around her. I have failed at replacing her, and I need help?

 

Should I just keep doing consciousness work and be patient with the quality of my life? I'm afraid I'll never be that happy again. 

I happier on average now then back then, but nothing has matched the ecstasy of being around her.

 

Edit: To clarify, I don't want her anymore, or even someone to replace her. I just want to feel that good without needing something external, and I haven't even come close to replicating that feeling.

Edited March 19, 2017 by username

[Bend_and_Sway]

How long were you with her?

 

[Guest username]

@Bend_and_Sway I wasn't even with her. I was naive. I fell hard and not having her only made the feelings more intense. I conceptually it's stupid and there's so much more about finding other girls or being aware of how I created it.

 

In practice, however, I still struggle with this very much. Nothing has ever made me feel so good.

[Bend_and_Sway]

The lusting and unknown, have made those feelings. Those feelings are things you created with the fantasy. No one is ever the perfect specimen we create when it is all an unknown.  Those feelings of loss you are having are common, I think, because you didn't get an opportunity to see it through. 

Place your focus somewhere else. Respect the present time. That's the only advice I have. Good luck.

[Guest username]

@Bend_and_Sway Thanks for the advice. I acknowledge the fantasy, and that's basically what I've been doing. 

 

 

[Sevi]

@username if it makes you feel that good why don't you pursue her and realistically deal with the situation? At least it would help the fantastic reflections to disappear? Then you'd be relieved anyways..

[Guest username]

@Sevi I did. I got rejected. I feel the same, even after she treated me poorly.

 

It's sort of pathetic, I know, but there's a part of me that would do anything to feel that pleasure again, even if it would destroy my life.

Edited March 19, 2017 by username

[Sevi]

Oh. Okay, if you feel this much intensity then you know what, do that again, but this time first find a way to find out what her reason was (I don't know her character but, of course I'd say best way is to talk to her directly)

Honestly if I'd feel that way, I'd brute force myself to push every limit till I get like taken by cops.

Good luck.

[Nahm]

  @username

Just give it time. Take your vitamins. Do fun stuff.

 

 

 

 

[Guest username]

@Nahm It's been two years. I still haven't felt the same.

[Nahm]

I don't know how long it will take, more than it has I guess. It could take a minute, it could take another year. It's up to you. It always has been. You can find happiness. The entirety of your experience of her, all happened in you.  You're not going to go from where you are now to that kind of exhilaration in one day, but over time, you most definitly can feel like that again, without her or anyone. 

[Guest username]

That's my hope. Do you think enlightenment is the quickest way? I hate to be this groveling person who just wants to feel good, but if I'm honest-- yeah  I just want to feel better than I did back then. That's all I truly care about at the end of the day.

[abgespaced]

@username

You have been idealising her, holding her up on a pedestal as if she were some perfect Goddess.

But she is not perfect. No woman is.

You need to understand this for yourself though. So here's what you can do:

1. Make a list of all the ways that she is not perfect;

2. Visualise the kind of woman that has these problems sorted;

3. Work on improving yourself so that you can attract that kind of woman (life purpose, working out, building self-esteem);

4. Go and approach women who you think fit these preferences.

It will also help if you can cut off all communication with her and distance yourself from her as much as possible.

Good luck.

[Bodhi123]

@username I can relate to your situation. I've had relationships that ended and affected me for a long time.

The problem is you haven't "let go".

You are still obsessing over this person, you are still wishing that you could return to the past, you probably have some regrets that you wish you could fix. This fixation with the past is what is keeping you from moving on.

You have to accept in the very depths of your heart that the past is done and there is nothing you can do to bring it back.

Once you have reached this level of acceptance, you will be able to "let go".

 

[Guest username]

1 hour ago, abgespaced said:

@username

You have been idealising her, holding her up on a pedestal as if she were some perfect Goddess.

But she is not perfect. No woman is.

You need to understand this for yourself though. So here's what you can do:

1. Make a list of all the ways that she is not perfect;

2. Visualise the kind of woman that has these problems sorted;

3. Work on improving yourself so that you can attract that kind of woman (life purpose, working out, building self-esteem);

4. Go and approach women who you think fit these preferences.

It will also help if you can cut off all communication with her and distance yourself from her as much as possible.

Good luck.

It's not about her. It's about the feeling. I just want to feel that good or better all the time.  I want to be able to do that without depending on someone or something external. So far, I'm no where close.

[Guest username]

@Bodhi123 I accept it, but I don't feel nearly as happy as I was back then. I don't want to be at someone else's mercy for feeling so amazing.

[Sevi]

2 hours ago, abgespaced said:

@username

You have been idealising her, holding her up on a pedestal as if she were some perfect Goddess.

But she is not perfect. No woman is.

You need to understand this for yourself though. So here's what you can do:

1. Make a list of all the ways that she is not perfect;

2. Visualise the kind of woman that has these problems sorted;

3. Work on improving yourself so that you can attract that kind of woman (life purpose, working out, building self-esteem);

4. Go and approach women who you think fit these preferences.

It will also help if you can cut off all communication with her and distance yourself from her as much as possible.

Good luck.

@abgespaced hi kitty cat?

So nice to oppose you again!

But this time I'm gonna agree with your descriptions.. See, right there we call it 'proGresss'

[Bodhi123]

1 hour ago, username said:

It's not about her. It's about the feeling. I just want to feel that good or better all the time.  I want to be able to do that without depending on someone or something external. So far, I'm no where close.

I get it… you want your happiness to be independent of any external factor. Well then my advice would be… choose to be happy… everyday… every moment.

I know easier said than done.

You asked is enlightenment the answer, the answer is no. Enlightenment can’t be used as an escape. I understand the reasoning, “maybe I can transcend my ego and then I won’t feel this pain, this desire for happiness”.

I’m sorry but as long as your underlying desire for enlightenment is escape then I believe transcendence will remain elusive.

Also, becoming enlightened is a hell of a lot harder than just choosing to be happy

I also think you have unrealistic expectations. You want to be in a state of bliss at all times. Not going happen. Even enlightenment won’t provide this type of everlasting bliss.

What is realistic is to feel a consistent level of peace and contentment independent of external factors. This will be possible when you begin to exert control over your mind. Direct your mind towards positivity and happiness will follow.

Once this baseline level of happiness has been achieved then love will only enhance it.

[Guest username]

2 minutes ago, Bodhi123 said:

I get it… you want your happiness to be independent of any external factor. Well then my advice would be… choose to be happy… everyday… every moment.

I know easier said than done.

You asked is enlightenment the answer, the answer is no. Enlightenment can’t be used as an escape. I understand the reasoning, “maybe I can transcend my ego and then I won’t feel this pain, this desire for happiness”.

I’m sorry but as long as your underlying desire for enlightenment is escape then I believe transcendence will remain elusive.

Also, becoming enlightened is a hell of a lot harder than just choosing to be happy

I also think you have unrealistic expectations. You want to be in a state of bliss at all times. Not going happen. Even enlightenment won’t provide this type of everlasting bliss.

What is realistic is to feel a consistent level of peace and contentment independent of external factors. This will be possible when you begin to exert control over your mind. Direct your mind towards positivity and happiness will follow.

Once this baseline level of happiness has been achieved then love will only enhance it.

Hmmm, interesting. I'm not sure I'd want love to enhance it though. Can't I get the best without a relationship?

 

Also, doesn't meditation boost mood? Can I beat what I experienced with romantic love with a long-term mediation practice? I don't even feel close to that good yet.

I've been looking at things more positively, being more grateful, but if I'm honest with myself, the crazy, intoxicating romantic love was the best feeling I've felt.

Edited March 19, 2017 by username

[Bodhi123]

You don't have to seek love that is your choice.

My point is that you can create a baseline level of happiness.

Once this happiness has been created then external factors will only enhance it... not determine it.