Thinking about my lost diaries.

[Sabth]

As I'm thinking about my lost diaries, I'd really be wishing those who take it the lowest of all lows in this world. 

I remembered something from 9/10 years ago. It's something like a memories from then in a book form 

where I will write a free flow writings. It keeps on until 2016 even. 

I remembered my writings are just full circle as I allowed complete freedom in my writings and it was totally satisfying to read

Especially after a long time when I've already forgotten it. I wish to keep it forever. But it was either (idk what happened to it. ) There was a lot of such diaries. 

I remembered those moments and I missed those moments and things I've written in those diaries. There was probably ,a lot of Godly things too when you allowed complete freedom /flow in your writings. A wholeness. I remembered when I read it again, and realized it was god. /Godly. As the younger me , are more conscious than the older me. So it was good to keep it all. They are the pattern

27th April 2023 10:51PM 

I Am Not At All Alright. 

Thinking back about what had happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sabth]

As a little kid I have already had a plan in my mind that I would want to store it in my own place. My goal was always to have a place of my own no matter how small, so that I could store all these things /collections.  But guess that never happens. 

I have even think of what I'll do to it if I die. My diaries. There's a lot of it. I always love my collection. One time(when I was young), I dreamed that my older sister was destroying my collections.  Open up the luggage that I kept all my things. My drawings. And it has always been my fear. But then I woke up. Feeling as real as it could get. It had always been my fear. 

But now, I haven't even died. My large collection of diaries had been discarded. It was even by the same type of notebook. (I buy the same thing everytime so I had a collection of the same type of book as my diaries. It was so good.)... 

My childhood dream was always to have my own studio apartment. Where I can store all these. Or an art studio. I love making arts. I want to live somewhere where it's address was unknown to anyone/my family. That's what I want as a child. But guess it didn't happen.. I went to a university. Never got a room of my own in my early years. But have viewed it as such

. I do get into art degree. But it was ..  it wasn't truly what I hv pictured of what I want. It was a short stay. Though there was a moment when I feel like I've accomplished my goal. But it wasn't really.   It was not a permanent stay and there was other people. 

I do hv set my goal like any other people would when I was younger more . But never achieving it. Till I was old. I don't finish my degree and I feel like it was never the way to my original goal and wishes.. and I don't finish it. 

I want to have as little money that I get from my parents as possible so that I wouldn't hv to repay much (as little as possible) to my parents. That has always been my thought . But I never was independent from them. And throughout my degree they had been paying me (I don't take any scholarship.). 

Edited June 15, 2023 by Sabth