I hate myself because I want vagina

[trenton]

I always wanted to find a higher purpose in life. I couldn't do it. Everything felt hollow to me. I wanted to change and become a better person, but nothing worked.

I don't want to be a shallow human being. I hate the implications it places on my moral character. It makes it hard to live with myself. I have such a headache and I feel a lot of anger as I repeatedly say "oh my God." This may be the root of many suicidal thoughts. I'll tell the therapist too.

I tried to pursue love, truth, and God. I see no higher purpose than pure understanding. I was terrible at it. I tried finding purpose in educating myself and others. Although I left a positive impact by teaching people about emotional mastery, I felt that it was never enough for me. The same goes for teaching my family about self deception and the nature of the mind. We are much more peaceful now.

Beyond that what am I doing? am I starting a business to get financial freedom? Am I going to college to become a politician? Am I staying at my dead end job that pays dirt? When am I moving out? How am I leaving an impact on the world? The amount of effort I must put in to get laid is ridiculous, especially when I see it as low purpose. I hate myself.

I know chess makes me happy, but the impact I leave on the world is tiny. Any other purpose I try is based on the fact that following what makes me happy wasn't an option. I want peace of mind and I can't find it elsewhere. Maybe I can do it but have limiting beliefs, but that's beside the point.

I feel like my illusions and fantasies are falling apart. I'm not the person I want to be. I'll tell my family about all of this soon. I still horrible. There is so much work I must do and so much I must change about myself just to get something so trivial and shallow. I want to be a better person and I hate myself for my desires.

Any thoughts?

[integral]

1 hour ago, trenton said:

I don't want to be a shallow human being. I hate the implications it places on my moral character.

Having sex is a vital human need like eating and sleeping, it is not possible to transcend the need for this at least not until you've exhausted it. Its perfectly healthy and normal to have sex and that will also come with a new type of intimacy you have not experienced and love. It is vital for your growth to have a relationship and have sex. There is nothing immoral about it. There are many stages of relationship and sexual development to be moved through, to get there go practice. 

Edited June 11, 2023 by integral

[Roy]

It sounds like you are putting the weight of the world on your shoulders, how old are you?

[Schizophonia]

Lmao

If it makes you feel any better, you're a waste of nothing at all.
A shitty residue of nothing at all who is completely delirious believing himself to be superior to others when like everyone else he likes to fuck asses and eat burgers and Coke fries.

You can continue in your delirium and torment yourself with your very very very important divine goals (not to say that you don't need a goal, of course), you will still die like shit in a few years in a bed in the hospital after you got kicked in the ass by your nurse because your brain was too destroyed to even wipe your ass on your own.

[integral]

Video starts at 1:34:48

Edited June 11, 2023 by integral

[Carl-Richard]

2 hours ago, trenton said:

I feel like my illusions and fantasies are falling apart. I'm not the person I want to be. I'll tell my family about all of this soon. I still horrible. There is so much work I must do and so much I must change about myself just to get something so trivial and shallow. I want to be a better person and I hate myself for my desires.

Any thoughts?

This is good that you're becoming aware of your desires, but there is no reason to hate them, even though they're not obviously in alignment with your higher values. In a sense, becoming more conscious is about becoming more aware of yourself and ultimately being OK with who you are. That doesn't mean you can't have aspirations or future plans, or growth or change. Those are also aspects of yourself that you should accept if you want to become more conscious. This to me seems like a sign of growth, and growth isn't always a linear upward trajectory. Growth sometimes entails coming to terms with something you've been neglecting and having to re-adjust course, and it can look like a loss in the short-term, but it will ultimately be a win in the long-term.

Edited June 11, 2023 by Carl-Richard

[UnbornTao]

Drop the ideals you're holding. You are generating unnecessary suffering for you.

Ideals are used as a justification for beating oneself and others up. They are fantasies about what should be but isn't. They are by definition unreachable. They're not meant to be reached, and holding ideals creates suffering. For example: "I should be able to lift 100 kilos at the gym but I don't, I'm so pathetic." Etc.

Edited June 14, 2023 by UnbornTao

[Carl-Richard]

25 minutes ago, UnbornTao said:

Drop the ideals you're holding. They create unnecessary suffering for you.

You can drop them at some point, but then you have to truly see their insignificance at a deep level. I don't believe there is such a thing as dropping something before you reach that point. Before that, you can only delude yourself that you've dropped it, but in reality you're dragging it behind you and letting it wear you down. You should rather pick it up and carry it with pride until you see the finish line. And before that happens, it's possible to carry both ideals and desires at the same time. You just need to balance them.

Edited June 12, 2023 by Carl-Richard

[trenton]

8 hours ago, Roy said:

It sounds like you are putting the weight of the world on your shoulders, how old are you?

I'm 24.

[Roy]

1 hour ago, trenton said:

I'm 24.

If you don't already know, 98% of 24 year old's in the world haven't accomplished shit.  Your life has really just started. Take your time, explore. It sounds like you already know a lot about what you like and don't like. That's pretty good for someone your age. You'll find stability and satisfaction making the things you love apart of your daily/weekly life. You don't have to shift the paradigm of 1000's of people or culture to be making a meaningful impact. Not everybody is Tony Robbins lol. 

In the meantime what are you practically doing to put yourself in a better environment, like moving out? Will your parents help you with rent if you left for a few months?

 

[trenton]

6 hours ago, Roy said:

You don't have to shift the paradigm of 1000's of people or culture to be making a meaningful impact. Not everybody is Tony Robbins lol. 

In the meantime what are you practically doing to put yourself in a better environment, like moving out? Will your parents help you with rent if you left for a few months?

 

I really struggle with making a meaningful impact. I don't see how I'm supposed to go about doing any major life purpose. I may be tearing myself apart by placing high standards on myself to be a majorly successful person who changes the world. I don't know what else a meaningful impact would entail. It makes me feel very confused about myself, my life, and my purpose.

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to change. I considered moving out, but there are a lot of problems with that.

First of all, dad is dead and he was a horrible drug dealer who fled the state to avoid paying child support anyway. Unfortunately, I never had a good role model in my life and I felt forced to figure everything out about life myself. I still feel like I hate myself. I truly doubt the rest of my family would help me pay rent because my grandma is already charging me 500$ a month. My mom can't help with rent because she not only blew through all the inheritance from grandpa, but even was desperate enough to take money from my bank account. She managed to put all the money back after my abusive step father was evicted. It looks like mom has changed. I don't want to ask her to help me pay rent though because it feels preposterous to me. I still feel like I want to kill myself sometimes, so I tried therapy. Its a long story, but I don't act on those thoughts.

In any case, I always felt that I was on my own. My relationships feel hollow because I never believed my parents to be good role models. I don't see good role models anywhere. This made me resistant to socializing with other kids at school, especially seeing how horrible they were as they bullied me, believing me to be a fa*****.

I wanted to move out, but it feels very hard to do. I still work at a dead end job that pays dirt and I have no passion for it whatsoever. The closest thing to a passionate life I ever felt was playing in chess tournaments. The only way for chess to be economically viable is to become a professional player. I wanted to do this, but now I'm not sure because I feel even more confused about life. How am I doing anything significant? What am I supposed to get out of continuing college? If there were a major about becoming a professional chess player, then I would have taken it in a heartbeat, but now I don't know. I stopped at an associate degree for lack of a vision. I still feel like I hate myself. I'm having doubts about whether I want to become a professional chess player or not now. I don't know. I'm confused.

I don't know what to do with my life. I always wanted to do my best to be a good person, but I have nothing to live for. That's why I try to find a higher purpose, but I never found one. I'm sorry if I make my situation sound dire or if I sound like a bit of victim. I feel like I hate my life because my intrinsic desires seem to be what causes me so many problems. There is no life worth living of your intrinsic desires make your life terrible because by default you will be a slave to extrinsic desires. Autism may also be a factor in my intrinsic desires being a problem to most people.

I want to be in control of my life, but I don't know what to do. I feel lost. Sorry for being the way I am. I want to change but I keep failing.

[trenton]

I have been trying to build a life purpose from scratch, but I can't do it. The life purpose course didn't help as much as I hoped it would. At least one of my highest values in life is peace of mind. I have been struggling for peace of mind through self education and emotional mastery techniques, but it was never enough.

[integral]

@trenton The solution is clear, you need a higher paying job you enjoy. Everything else will begin to fall into place after your basic needs are met, got to take things one step at a time. 

Edited June 12, 2023 by integral

[zurew]

I think what you need is deep self exploration and this could be one big reason why LP course couldn't really help you (you probably need to acquire much more experience exploring and challenging your self)

I think you need to accept and embrace this "self-exploration" stage and really lean into it, before you try to judge or give up on your own self. Self exploration could be done in many different ways (really hardcore contemplation [where you are in a highly concentrated and deep state and where you drop every thought and or assumption about your own self and try to start from scratch and see what branches of thought will come up and form] ; hardcore endurance workout/challenge where you really push yourself to the absolute limits and explore the raw nature and aspects of your mind and make your mind much more resilient to discomfort and suffering  [here I would mention David Goggins who used this method to find his own self and to face his own demons]

Its incredible how much we can change if we really accept all the pain and suffering that comes with a self mastery journey.

 

What you need right now (imo) is to try to build up some trust with yourself, and the way you do that is by setting up small challenges or tasks every day that you know you can finish but are still somewhat uncomfortable. As time goes on, and as you finish more and more challenges, your trust will grow and you will be able to attack bigger challenges and goals (and by all that, doing even deeper self exploration and trust building). if you manage to do that , then any time you feel unmotivated or when you feel down, you will be able to bring up that list in your own mind (or you can write all those things down on a paper if you want to) and bring to your awareness that you are actually capable of self control, self mastery and achieving goals and you have already managed to accomplish all those things on your list, so you can use that list as a trust builder and as an endless fuel for motivation ( and once you manage to create that list, the more things you put on that list, the more power you will be able to generate to make that list even bigger )

[NoSelfSelf]

You look it all backwards,if you doing things in the game to get laid get out of the game.

Make game about yourself its about becoming a man for yourself,then getting laid is byproduct of you investing in yourself ,where she wants to have sex with you because if she does not,she will lose on the opportuinity to be with the man...if you look it like: i need to become something to get laid, you already lost because you wont change, you will stay the same craving more sex and with same desperation...

Key takeway:become a man for yourself

dont become something to get sex its totaly losing mindset in the end..

[trenton]

@NoSelfSelf thank you. I realize that.

I am just dealing with a lot of intense anger at the moment. It is leading to painful headaches and seems counterproductive. I was going to try going for a walk or meditating for a bit. I'll see how I feel then.

[NoSelfSelf]

@trenton Again with mentality lets see how i feel, is a part of the problem because you operate based upon emotion,when you do that you are more and more developing feminine side to yourself and then you are defined by your emotions,make a concious decision to do whatever neccesary regardless how you feel..

There is no anger if you choose to be centered your mind is all over the place racing with 10 different things expecting something will change,no it will change when you get centered(again trait of a man) focused at task at hand not emotions which come from worry and juggling 10 different things i can guess,women,how should i be for women,im stuck,dont know how,im not where i want to be...it wont ever work sucess comes from focus,centered calmness...

Edited June 12, 2023 by NoSelfSelf

[trenton]

@NoSelfSelf good point. Thank you.

[trenton]

2 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@trenton Again with mentality lets see how i feel, is a part of the problem because you operate based upon emotion,when you do that you are more and more developing feminine side to yourself and then you are defined by your emotions,make a concious decision to do whatever neccesary regardless how you feel..

There is no anger if you choose to be centered your mind is all over the place racing with 10 different things expecting something will change,no it will change when you get centered(again trait of a man) focused at task at hand not emotions which come from worry and juggling 10 different things i can guess,women,how should i be for women,im stuck,dont know how,im not where i want to be...it wont ever work sucess comes from focus,centered calmness...

Quick update. Something good just happened.

My sister got locked out of her car. I was interrupted because I was the only one who could help her. Mom wasn't answering the phone and she had the spare key in her house. I was afraid of driving, so grandma asked me to run to mom's house and get the spare key. Instead I drove. I then got mom up so she can get the spare key. Mom said I could ride as with her as she drove out to get my sister. Instead I drove again! Unfortunately, I almost hit a car and that's why I'm scared of backing out especially. Ultimately, the mission was successful though. Mom offered to drive me home, but I just drove myself again! My sister was concerned that I didn't know the way back. I went on so many walks that I know a million ways back. so mission accomplished.

Onto my next task of getting a better paying job that allows me to be unavailable on weekends.

@NoSelfSelf thanks for the advice.

[Roy]

10 hours ago, trenton said:

I want to be in control of my life, but I don't know what to do. I feel lost. Sorry for being the way I am. I want to change but I keep failing.

Maybe your living situation isn't the most optimal, I know what it's like living with family into your 20's. But if you can carve out as much privacy as you can, you're in a primetime space to save money. $500 a month is quite low considering living costs in other places.

I know it seems you're striving for deep satisfaction and meaning, but the real test for you right at now at this point in your life is patience for those things. Satisfy your curiosity and learning in your spare time, but right now I'd put your nose to the ground and grind your ass off to secure your future and stability. Always be on the hunt for a better job, even if it means just a few dollars more an hour. It will make a big difference for your self-confidence. You'd be surprised the work you can get if you look for it, even with minimal qualifications. It's all about making an impression and charisma.

Even if you don't know exactly what you want to do, Gathering the resources and work/volunteer experience in the meantime will make you feel a LOT better about your future. Ideally you could bank $1500+ a month if you don't spend it on needless stuff. Work 45-60 hours a week for a few years and imagine where you'll be and what options you'll have.

You need to be making practical moves right now combined with faith that in the near future the puzzle pieces will fall into place and you will know what direction to commit to.

From everything I'm reading you are in limbo right now, and the best thing you can do for yourself is get grounded. It may feel shallow and too simple for a while, but it will build you back up I promise.