How to deal with people who see fault in everybody but herself?

[somegirl]

This girl used to be my closest friend but turned into negative person who gossips and finds fault in everybody but herself. And never admits her fault. 

When I point out hurtful thing she made towards me, she deflects and turns it around and blames me for something else that I did. Something small that she emplifies so she can have a good enough reason to blame me and make herself a victim. 

I am the "bad guy" in her story.

Yes, I made mistakes, I am human, I apologized. But what hurts the most is that she forgets everything good I did to her and throws it all into the water and remembers mistakes I did. 

I noticed she sees bad and something negative in everybody. 

How do I deal with these kind of people? 

I work with her in group project in university. 

[PurpleTree]

Just let her rant

it‘s something like a mental disorder

of course that‘s easier said than done

[somegirl]

@PurpleTree Well I work with her on a project so I just want to get it over with.

And also, what if she starts spreading negative things about me to others? Lol since she is obviously capable of that 

[TheCloud]

1 hour ago, somegirl said:

This girl used to be my closest friend but turned into negative person who gossips and finds fault in everybody but herself.

Something seems odd about this.  You were best friends, but suddenly you can't even cooperate to do a group project?  Something happened, either with her or with you or with you both.  If you could explain what happened, it would be easier to advise you.

[somegirl]

24 minutes ago, TheCloud said:

Something seems odd about this.  You were best friends, but suddenly you can't even cooperate to do a group project?  Something happened, either with her or with you or with you both.  If you could explain what happened, it would be easier to advise you.

What's odd about it? We were best friends for 4 years. Those 4 years were not all great, she never communicated when something bothered her about me, she would just stay quiet until I noticed. Though I cared so much about friendship that I wanted to talk things through with her. But then I noticed she does this "non-communicating" thing again, and again, and again, and I eventually gave up on her. I refuse to constantly force someone to talk to me, and got tired of questioning my every move and whether she is mad because of me or because of something else. So I just gave up trying to make things right anymore. 

Meanwhile, when I distanced myself from her, she became extremely negative person overall. She would trash talk about other people (wouldn'tbe surprised if she talked bad about me too), would get mad over little things people do and narrate a whole story about the person from that one thing,  would have this negative, bad aura around her very often when I see her etc... I don't know why and how she became this person. It happened gradually because I noticed she had that tendency before too. Like she would interpret some of my actions as evil, even though they were often neutral or good. I never had bad or evil intentions towards her but she interpretted my every little move as such! Like for example if I went quiet at one point, she would interpret me being quiet as me "calculating" something, like a villain. It's so exhausting tbh. 

She's just very dissatisfied person today. I don't think she has inner peace.

Edited June 9, 2023 by somegirl

[integral]

Female Narcissist? 

[integral]

[somegirl]

@integral lol that post is gold. 

but I don't think she is a narcissist. I think she is hyper sensitive and has big ego.

[TheCloud]

What's odd to me is that there don't seem to have ever been any grounds for friendship between you two.  How did you ever conclude that you were besties?  I suspect that one key to resolving this situation is figuring out how you got into it in the first place.

[integral]

1 hour ago, somegirl said:

@integral lol that post is gold. 

but I don't think she is a narcissist. I think she is hyper sensitive and has big ego.

Reasonable, she has strong victimhood. Its not something that can be challenged for any reason. The option is to avoid confrontation and do your own thing, next time pick a different partner. 

[Sugarcoat]

Be so deeply unbothered by it that she cannot help but to turn it inward on herself 

[somegirl]

4 hours ago, integral said:

Reasonable, she has strong victimhood. Its not something that can be challenged for any reason. The option is to avoid confrontation and do your own thing, next time pick a different partner. 

Will do. 

This is really disturbing me to my core, this type of behavior of hers. 

Like it's all black to her, she forgets everything good I have done to her.

[somegirl]

5 hours ago, TheCloud said:

What's odd to me is that there don't seem to have ever been any grounds for friendship between you two.  How did you ever conclude that you were besties?  I suspect that one key to resolving this situation is figuring out how you got into it in the first place.

We concluded we were because we both said it on multiple occasions. 

But yeah, I'm wondering too how we ever were friends. It was unstable from the very beginning.

She bas always had this attitute that everybody was bad and wrong and she was always the right one in every situation. But this time, she turned against me. 

Very disturbing...

It's as if I never did anything good to her. She behaves that way at least.

[integral]

4 hours ago, somegirl said:

Will do. 

This is really disturbing me to my core, this type of behavior of hers. 

Like it's all black to her, she forgets everything good I have done to her.

I feel the pain. I was in a similar situation, they have selective negative memory and there memory tends to be pretty bad. In her case she is deflecting blame because that's what she had to do to survive her childhood and parents (likely her mother), they put false accusations on her growing up and she had to learn to deflect criticism. Now older the unresolved trauma remains. 

[somegirl]

41 minutes ago, integral said:

I feel the pain. I was in a similar situation, they have selective negative memory and there memory tends to be pretty bad. In her case she is deflecting blame because that's what she had to do to survive her childhood and parents (likely her mother), they put false accusations on her growing up and she had to learn to deflect criticism. Now older the unresolved trauma remains. 

I am grateful for your compassion. It's a breath of fresh air.

I knew a happy, fullfilled person wouldn't behave like this, I knew something must be bothering her on a deeper level. 

She might also have very fragile ego and admitting that she's wrong is too threatening to her sense of self-worth. Because "me being wrong=me being a bad unlovable person"

However. We all have problems we face. I am trying to become aware of my own shadows as well. Just because I understand where she might be coming from doesn't mean she should not take any action to become aware of her own shadows as well. I know, it's uncomfortable. And freaking painful. But if she doesn't, I am not willing to work with people who are not trying to improve themselves. And who are not self aware.

 

[GLORY]

19 hours ago, somegirl said:

This girl used to be my closest friend but turned into negative person who gossips and finds fault in everybody but herself. And never admits her fault. 

When I point out hurtful thing she made towards me, she deflects and turns it around and blames me for something else that I did. Something small that she emplifies so she can have a good enough reason to blame me and make herself a victim. 

I am the "bad guy" in her story.

Yes, I made mistakes, I am human, I apologized. But what hurts the most is that she forgets everything good I did to her and throws it all into the water and remembers mistakes I did. 

I noticed she sees bad and something negative in everybody. 

How do I deal with these kind of people? 

you cry about how bad others are while being evil and thinking others are
i guess you are worse than her, work on yourself

[somegirl]

17 minutes ago, GLORY said:

work on yourself

Will do. 

[integral]

6 hours ago, somegirl said:

I am grateful for your compassion. It's a breath of fresh air.

I knew a happy, fullfilled person wouldn't behave like this, I knew something must be bothering her on a deeper level. 

She might also have very fragile ego and admitting that she's wrong is too threatening to her sense of self-worth. Because "me being wrong=me being a bad unlovable person"

However. We all have problems we face. I am trying to become aware of my own shadows as well. Just because I understand where she might be coming from doesn't mean she should not take any action to become aware of her own shadows as well. I know, it's uncomfortable. And freaking painful. But if she doesn't, I am not willing to work with people who are not trying to improve themselves. And who are not self aware.

For our mental health and happiness it can help to reframe things. In this case it can help to recognize you guys are not standing at the same level of development and awareness, its like if a child was having a tantrum would you take it personally? At some point we can view most people as children lost in lala land. Interacting with a dog we don't expect them to be smarter then a dog, its easy to forgive them for anything they do but with humans we freak out if they cant match up to our human standards. A double standard and ego trick. 

Edited June 10, 2023 by integral

[somegirl]

17 minutes ago, integral said:

In this case it can help to recognize you guys are not standing at the same level of development and awareness,

Yeah, I get it. 

You know what's interesting though? It seems like I have developed over time since we used to get along before (probably because we were on a same level of development). This just means one of us developed more and can't relate with the other one anymore. 

[integral]

1 hour ago, somegirl said:

This just means one of us developed more and can't relate with the other one anymore

Very likely.