Struggling with facing society and fear of failure.

[Think Leo]

Hello everyone, hope you're all doing well in your own ways. I come from a very conservative country and a very conservative family. I'm 30 years old, male. After I graduated from my college (not a big one), I did some freelancing (building websites, graphic design) here and there and earned some money to survive. 

After sometime, all the depression, PARENTAL ALIENATION, heartbreaks, and all the ugly things that were suppressed over the years exploded, and I went to severe depression, spent almost all my petty money to treat myself. Now I'm feeling a bit okay and I want to make a career in programming.

Now, as we have so many technologies, I'm struggling hard to learn everything and to make myself employable. Along with that, my eyesight is getting worse and worse day by day. Since all these years, I didn't have any socials, real life friends or mentors. What I just did was to find solutions online with different pseudonyms and coping up somehow. I only got money to survive for 3 months and to get a job.

Lately I'm trying to code every day and trying to speak up in some Clubhouse groups (to practice how to speak). I noticed that I can't handle bullshit from people and someone criticizing me without reason, when someone does that all my trauma comes back, whether it breaks me or make me angry and the most dangerous thing is, it punches me down which could hinder my coding journey.

How could I service in the society if I'm like this? Have had suicidal thoughts countless times, but again getting back up somehow.

Some of you might say, "I have to stay calm, work on my anger, socialize, open up, meditate" etc. But, my condition is more complex that, living in a third world country, conservative family, years of gaslighting, lost track of the past, I'm almost broke and what not.

I can't even have bigger aspirations in life.

[TheCloud]

That's all too much to deal with all at once.  While keeping up with your coding practice, try to focus on one issue at a time, whether it's your parental issues, your heartbreaks, or your conflicts in your Clubhouse groups.  I recommend starting with parental issues, since those tend to inform everything else.  Get your stories out here.  Don't bottle everything up.  Some ugly stuff will come out, and that's totally normal.  Keep sharing, keep trying, and get better.